I am the younger sister who is a p/t care giver. I am overnight 4 days a week. I help them around the house, take them to doctor's appointments, go with them in the examination room to ask the doctors questions and make certain I understand the issues thoroughly (parents first language is not English and don't understand what's told them), take them grocery shopping, to the bank, etc. I've repeatedly asked my other brother, my only sibling, to assist. He lives 10 miles away while my home is 40 miles away. He says he will, but never shows. He's been passive-aggressive to me for years and years.
When I called him to help when my dad fainted and split his ear in half. Blood was gushing all over the kitchen. I thought dad had died. I was beside myself and called him to come by. He didn't. Dad had a heart issue and had a hairline fracture in his neck due to the spill. My brother did come to the hospital when I asked my mom to call him to come by.
I did "persuade" him to take my mom to the doctor's once. I asked my brother to sit in on the exam (no disrobing for mom) to understand her health issues. My parents told me my brother didn't want to go in and didn't.
I have asked my parents why he doesn't seem to help. They tell me he worked 12+ hours a day (starts work at 7am and goes until after 9pm every evening & weekend). He's a high school teacher at a private high school. I doubt his workload is this heavy. I could be wrong, but believe he is out with friends instead.
He's 60 years old, divorced and has a 30 year old daughter who is on her own. He does come once a week for two hours for Sunday dinner my mom cooks. He takes gifts of cash from my parents.
Has anyone had any experience with a sibling who refuses to help? I've asked nicely, I'm asked angrily, I've set boundaries. It's like talking to a rock.
Do you think your parents don't value what you do for them? I'm only asking, because that was definitely what my mother told me. My time wasn't worth anything, I was told. One time I suggested that one of my brothers do some ridiculous research task she was ordering me to do (regarding call buttons), and I was practically screamed at that HIS time was valuable, how dare I, etc. This was the brother who came to visit (from a few states away) as little as possible, of course.
I have two other brothers who didn't come much, either (also a few states away), but one of them tried to make it down here more than the others.
At one point I mentioned compensation, and my mother was furious. "You don't pay family!" Well, that was her belief, and it was my belief that you don't then expect one family member to do far more than the others. During her 17-day hospitalization (then rehab, then NH), I told the POA brother that I didn't think I could continue without compensation. He agreed, and even suggested back compensation, also, on an agreed-upon hourly rate of $20/hour. The money made me think of the caregiving (which became caregiving during the remainder of the hospitalization, then rehab, then permanent NH placement) as a job, and I was able to tolerate it.
I don't know if money enters into your equation or not. Maybe the money doesn't matter to you, and your financial future is secure. But I am wondering what's going to happen when your parents need even more help. Is it the plan that you move in with them fulltime? Do they have the funds for an outside caregiver? A facility?
Is it your parents' belief that the daughter has to do the caregiving? I think that was my mother's belief (also because I have a flexible job; I would have refused, otherwise). I didn't live with her, nor her with me. I did have to drive her places, though (and this took hours....), but I set strict limits on that (which she didn't like, but did adapt to). She lived by herself for longer than she should have (in a one-story condo seven minutes from me). She took a long time doing ADLs and only showered once a week, because it was difficult to climb into and out of the tub. She refused to hire someone to help. She refused to go to an AL facility.
I think you might be worried about what will happen in the future. Here your brother is doing nothing (and I don't believe he's working that many hours, either...and what about the summers off???), and you will only be expected to pick up more and more of the burden as your parents need more help, right?
What are your thoughts about that? Are you destined to become their fulltime caregiver at some point? Are you okay with that? If not, then what can you do now so that doesn't happen?
I remember the principal at our college saying he thought 72 hrs a week was reasonable. Personally I worked from 7.30 to 1700 then cared - got home at 2300 and wrote up reports etc till 0130. Weekends were taken up with caring all day as were term holidays and I did “my work” during the late evening/ night. Looking back I’m not sure how I did it. (Must polish my halo -not - I made plenty of mistakes ! )
I think we all have different ideas. He truly needs to help his parents. My brother, to be utterly polite here, is lazy.
I think this forum is all about hiring caretakers, and you guys making money. I realized that after reading quite a few posts after I wrote my message.
The "posters" are blaming me for my predicament. If I was a man complaining about a lazy sister, it would be poor guy. Oh well. Dumb me! Make your money here. Someone has a conscience & it's not you.
Whether that is a male carer or a female one - my sibling was female.
You can’t make a silk purse out of a sows ear - any more than you can make your sibling be as caring as you.
I will let him know that. I'm sure he will deny that he received any money knowing him. I appreciate you letting me know.
I want to discuss this as two children helping their parents. He doesn't even want this. That's what's so bizarre. At this point even Buddha would get a little hot under the collar. I really give up.
As he is a teacher, it is unreasonable for you to expect him to take time off work to take the parents to appointments.
I am concerned that he is receiving gifts of cash from your parents, that could spell trouble if you have to deal with a look back period.
Understand that he is not going to be involved in your parents' care and move on without him.
And I think for all intent and purpose you do not have a sibling to help you, either. Knowing that he is unwilling to help you is the same as having no one. You are on your own with this. And all that you take on (4 overnights is a LOT if you have family), you take on on your own.
It is hard enough to do all you are doing without adding on the flailing at the windmill of your brother. He is NOT GOING TO HELP you. And you understand that on a deep level. So just leave it. You don't have to hope and beg and weep then. You just can leave him out of the equation unless he offers help.
What DOES matter now is how much longer you can take in all the responsibility for all of this. You have two elders in need of care, and I am assuming/presuming your own family as well. It may be time to think of things that WILL be or MAY be of more help for you. Such as hiring some help to do the work to be done.
I think that fighting the brother is somehow holding you back from realizing you cannot do this much longer. I suspect even with a more willing brother, perhaps the time is drawing near that this cannot be done without 24/7 care or placement.
I have utterly no idea the assets involved for your parents or their ability to provide some more care, but time to think in a more productive manner I think, leaving your bro out of the equation. Treat the whole thing as though he doesn't exist.
Perhaps write him a begging pleading LAST LETTER and let him know it is the last you will speak of this. Tell him that the amount of care your folks need now is overwhelming you, and almost impossible for you. Let him know that placement is likely in the near future, without more help. Tell him that you UNDERSTAND how hard he is working, and that he and his family need his time as well, and you are pleading with him for any help he can provide you. Tell him "If it is ZERO, do let me know; if you want to meet and arrange some availability, let me know; if you can help in an emergency or for a few overnights, let me know". Sign nicely and move away from expectations of the brother, concentrate on what you will do about/for your own life in light of what is happening with your parents.
I hope you will update us if you have any ideas that might work, or that do not.
What is the financial situation for your parents? Can they afford caregivers? Can they afford a facility? What's going to happen as they need more and more help? Right now, it seems like you are going to be expected to be the one to provide more and more help. Are you willing for this to happen? If not, better start making plans for another outcome now.
When you say, "I've set boundaries," what do you mean? Set boundaries with your brother? Or with your parents?