I am the younger sister who is a p/t care giver. I am overnight 4 days a week. I help them around the house, take them to doctor's appointments, go with them in the examination room to ask the doctors questions and make certain I understand the issues thoroughly (parents first language is not English and don't understand what's told them), take them grocery shopping, to the bank, etc. I've repeatedly asked my other brother, my only sibling, to assist. He lives 10 miles away while my home is 40 miles away. He says he will, but never shows. He's been passive-aggressive to me for years and years.
When I called him to help when my dad fainted and split his ear in half. Blood was gushing all over the kitchen. I thought dad had died. I was beside myself and called him to come by. He didn't. Dad had a heart issue and had a hairline fracture in his neck due to the spill. My brother did come to the hospital when I asked my mom to call him to come by.
I did "persuade" him to take my mom to the doctor's once. I asked my brother to sit in on the exam (no disrobing for mom) to understand her health issues. My parents told me my brother didn't want to go in and didn't.
I have asked my parents why he doesn't seem to help. They tell me he worked 12+ hours a day (starts work at 7am and goes until after 9pm every evening & weekend). He's a high school teacher at a private high school. I doubt his workload is this heavy. I could be wrong, but believe he is out with friends instead.
He's 60 years old, divorced and has a 30 year old daughter who is on her own. He does come once a week for two hours for Sunday dinner my mom cooks. He takes gifts of cash from my parents.
Has anyone had any experience with a sibling who refuses to help? I've asked nicely, I'm asked angrily, I've set boundaries. It's like talking to a rock.
What is the financial situation for your parents? Can they afford caregivers? Can they afford a facility? What's going to happen as they need more and more help? Right now, it seems like you are going to be expected to be the one to provide more and more help. Are you willing for this to happen? If not, better start making plans for another outcome now.
When you say, "I've set boundaries," what do you mean? Set boundaries with your brother? Or with your parents?
And I think for all intent and purpose you do not have a sibling to help you, either. Knowing that he is unwilling to help you is the same as having no one. You are on your own with this. And all that you take on (4 overnights is a LOT if you have family), you take on on your own.
It is hard enough to do all you are doing without adding on the flailing at the windmill of your brother. He is NOT GOING TO HELP you. And you understand that on a deep level. So just leave it. You don't have to hope and beg and weep then. You just can leave him out of the equation unless he offers help.
What DOES matter now is how much longer you can take in all the responsibility for all of this. You have two elders in need of care, and I am assuming/presuming your own family as well. It may be time to think of things that WILL be or MAY be of more help for you. Such as hiring some help to do the work to be done.
I think that fighting the brother is somehow holding you back from realizing you cannot do this much longer. I suspect even with a more willing brother, perhaps the time is drawing near that this cannot be done without 24/7 care or placement.
I have utterly no idea the assets involved for your parents or their ability to provide some more care, but time to think in a more productive manner I think, leaving your bro out of the equation. Treat the whole thing as though he doesn't exist.
Perhaps write him a begging pleading LAST LETTER and let him know it is the last you will speak of this. Tell him that the amount of care your folks need now is overwhelming you, and almost impossible for you. Let him know that placement is likely in the near future, without more help. Tell him that you UNDERSTAND how hard he is working, and that he and his family need his time as well, and you are pleading with him for any help he can provide you. Tell him "If it is ZERO, do let me know; if you want to meet and arrange some availability, let me know; if you can help in an emergency or for a few overnights, let me know". Sign nicely and move away from expectations of the brother, concentrate on what you will do about/for your own life in light of what is happening with your parents.
I hope you will update us if you have any ideas that might work, or that do not.
Understand that he is not going to be involved in your parents' care and move on without him.
As he is a teacher, it is unreasonable for you to expect him to take time off work to take the parents to appointments.
I am concerned that he is receiving gifts of cash from your parents, that could spell trouble if you have to deal with a look back period.
I want to discuss this as two children helping their parents. He doesn't even want this. That's what's so bizarre. At this point even Buddha would get a little hot under the collar. I really give up.
I will let him know that. I'm sure he will deny that he received any money knowing him. I appreciate you letting me know.
I think we all have different ideas. He truly needs to help his parents. My brother, to be utterly polite here, is lazy.
I think this forum is all about hiring caretakers, and you guys making money. I realized that after reading quite a few posts after I wrote my message.
The "posters" are blaming me for my predicament. If I was a man complaining about a lazy sister, it would be poor guy. Oh well. Dumb me! Make your money here. Someone has a conscience & it's not you.
Whether that is a male carer or a female one - my sibling was female.
You can’t make a silk purse out of a sows ear - any more than you can make your sibling be as caring as you.
I remember the principal at our college saying he thought 72 hrs a week was reasonable. Personally I worked from 7.30 to 1700 then cared - got home at 2300 and wrote up reports etc till 0130. Weekends were taken up with caring all day as were term holidays and I did “my work” during the late evening/ night. Looking back I’m not sure how I did it. (Must polish my halo -not - I made plenty of mistakes ! )
Do you think your parents don't value what you do for them? I'm only asking, because that was definitely what my mother told me. My time wasn't worth anything, I was told. One time I suggested that one of my brothers do some ridiculous research task she was ordering me to do (regarding call buttons), and I was practically screamed at that HIS time was valuable, how dare I, etc. This was the brother who came to visit (from a few states away) as little as possible, of course.
I have two other brothers who didn't come much, either (also a few states away), but one of them tried to make it down here more than the others.
At one point I mentioned compensation, and my mother was furious. "You don't pay family!" Well, that was her belief, and it was my belief that you don't then expect one family member to do far more than the others. During her 17-day hospitalization (then rehab, then NH), I told the POA brother that I didn't think I could continue without compensation. He agreed, and even suggested back compensation, also, on an agreed-upon hourly rate of $20/hour. The money made me think of the caregiving (which became caregiving during the remainder of the hospitalization, then rehab, then permanent NH placement) as a job, and I was able to tolerate it.
I don't know if money enters into your equation or not. Maybe the money doesn't matter to you, and your financial future is secure. But I am wondering what's going to happen when your parents need even more help. Is it the plan that you move in with them fulltime? Do they have the funds for an outside caregiver? A facility?
Is it your parents' belief that the daughter has to do the caregiving? I think that was my mother's belief (also because I have a flexible job; I would have refused, otherwise). I didn't live with her, nor her with me. I did have to drive her places, though (and this took hours....), but I set strict limits on that (which she didn't like, but did adapt to). She lived by herself for longer than she should have (in a one-story condo seven minutes from me). She took a long time doing ADLs and only showered once a week, because it was difficult to climb into and out of the tub. She refused to hire someone to help. She refused to go to an AL facility.
I think you might be worried about what will happen in the future. Here your brother is doing nothing (and I don't believe he's working that many hours, either...and what about the summers off???), and you will only be expected to pick up more and more of the burden as your parents need more help, right?
What are your thoughts about that? Are you destined to become their fulltime caregiver at some point? Are you okay with that? If not, then what can you do now so that doesn't happen?
I've hung around this forum long enough to know two basic facts
1/ the level of care needed always increases, and
2/there is no way to force anyone else to step up and do more.
Your brother could be lazy, he might even be an evil selfish prick; the only hopeful possibility is if he is just totally clueless and needs a wake up call. In the mean time you are slowly being sucked into providing increasing levels of care and you've come here because that needs to stop. So, if he can't be made to step up and you or your parents are unwilling to consider hiring help or moving what other kind of magic solution do you expect from us?
My husband and I walked that same road for years taking care of my in-laws. My BIL was useless. Even with six weeks of vacation from work each year, he couldn't/wouldn't be much help to his parents although he was happy to take help from them. Because we lived closer and I was a SAHM, 90% of their care was on me (my husband and his sister did the rest). I do believe that family takes care of family and wanted to be that example to my kids. Their needs started small but became very time consuming as the years passed.
Early on, we called for a family meeting to discuss his parent's needs. BIL said he would be there and then "forgot" to show up for it. When his dad was facing a surgery that he had a 50/50 chance of surviving, BIL told him that he wasn't going to be at the hospital because it was "just a bunch of sitting around waiting." Who thinks that way much less saying it out loud to a person who might die?
This is the same man who didn't visit his dad the week that he was in hospice (a 45 min drive). He didn't see his dad until he was unconscious and died a few hours later. It may make a small person, but I will admit that I think that was karma at work.
My MIL lived with us for two years. A year into it, BIL visited her and then proceeded to tell us how much care she needed (like he knew everything after spending a few hours with her). When my husband asked how BIL was going to help, he replied, "She lives with you, she's your responsibility." My husband called him an a##hole and kicked him out of the house.
All this to say, you are losing time and energy trying to change a brother who isn't going to help. I wasted that time and energy and am still dealing with the resentment. It doesn't go away easily. I wish I had found this forum earlier to hear of other's situations to understand that it's a lost cause to hope that this sibling will have a "change of heart."
We have very little contact with the BIL today. Only enough to be able to see his daughter. She turns 18 next year so the need for BIL will be gone then. It's doubtful that we will speak to him after she graduates HS.
As others have said, you may as well consider him MIA and make the necessary choices yourself (get the POA paperwork in order if needed - protect yourself!!). I understand that you are reluctant to look into outside help. I was also but that was a mistake on my part. There is nothing wrong with knowing that you can't do it all.
Looking back, I realize just how much caring for my in-laws impacted my family - good and bad. My kids saw us taking care of family and had so much time being treasured by their grandparents. They also lost a lot of their summer time being dragged around to take care of the grandparents. In hindsight, I should have told my in-laws "no" to their needs/requests more often so they would have widen their circle of support.
While I mostly lurk on this site, the people here are amazing with their wisdom and advice. No one replying to your letters is looking (or able) to make a buck. They honestly want to help in any way they can. It may not be the advice that you want to hear, but they have the experience to go with their words.
I hope the best for you and your parents. It may take a while but you are going to look back on this time in your life with pride and gratitude. The love, support, time and caring that you are giving your parents will come back to you.
I have to go now. Will return later today to read the rest. Take care all of you who responded!
- you can't control anyone but yourself, so give up on your brother as ever providing any help and don't hold it against him -- it's his right to choose how he lives.
- release yourself from the "old-world" notion of caring for aging relatives (I'm from an immigrant family so I get this). It's not about what parents expect, it's about what is best/realistic for everyone (this means you and brother).
- you said your mom has borderline personality disorder. Yes, boundaries -- and very strong and clear ones.
- make sure your parents have all their legal matters taken care of: making you durable PoA for each of them, creating a Medical Directive for each, signing HIPAA release so you can get/give critical medical info, Last Will & Testament, etc.
Also, your parents must be very careful about "gifting" money to your brother (or even to you). In the possible event they need to apply for Medicaid the govt has a 5-yr "look back" period and will take this gifting into consideration which may delay their qualification. From now on your need to do very careful record-keeping, for this reason. Wishing you strength and peace as you walk down this path!
I think you mean well by saying not to hold it against him. I think you mean to move on from it. Not to burden my life with a grudge and to forgive him. I do.
However, I am done with him. If someone acts without a conscience towards me, I mistrust him and will never have anything to do with him again. I have to protect myself.
Thanks again for you helpful post!!
This forum and the endless amount of help, understanding, and Education you will receive from the most Caring People in the world, you will find right here by pursuing this site and it will be an enormous help for you going forward if you give it a chance, I promise. You will find everything from humor (believe it, you will need it), to health, (Mental Health!!!), finances, legal, boredom, cooking and gardening, and most importantly a place to vent on the longstanding "Whine Thread", as That is the place to go to blow off steam about your deadbeat brother. Everybody here understands your plight, so, so many people have been there, it is a very familiar topic of discussion, so please do not think that we aren't on your side, as we most definitely are!
ALL of the posters here are Only here to help you, and for the most part that comes from many years of experience, and often from having made mistakes along the way, which they are trying to have you avoid, but you have to be open to the fact that you cannot do this job of caring for your parents long term without substantial help going forward, and the one certain thing in all of this is that their needs are only going to increase, and you will need more help!
You need more help, your brother isn't giving it to you, and that is unlikely to change, it is difficult to change someone's basic nature, and that is his, I'm sorry but you are going to have to work around that, and as suggested, you need to put him out of the equation, and just think of him as an occasional visitor, and not a reliable resource for helping you with your folks, it is what it is, and it will only bring you frustration and pain, and you need help now.
Make sure your parents legal ppwk is in order if it isn't already, DPOA, POA, Wills, Living Wills (sometimes called POLST or MOLT, you can get these from their Drs), and if it becomes nessasary for you, get/do a Caregiver Agreement if they are paying you Any money to care for them, yes it is done and the pay is terrible but sometimes nessasary to live, it is to protect them and you should they ever need Governmental Assistance such a Medicaid! The money grabbing from your Brother Must Stop Now, as it could put you folks unable to receive Government Assistance now and in the future (this is REAL and SERIOUS) .
Caregiving is the hardest job in the world, and the vast majority of us here do it out of Love and Commitment, but not everyone is made that way, plus as many here believe, Expecting your kids to take care of you is not fair to them, as it so often comes at a time when the kids are working their damndest to sock away for retirement, or are retired and expecting to sort of enjoy it, are still raising kids and putting them through college, and even having health issues of their own, but in some cases (like mine), it is/was kinda expected, my parents were immigrants and we were just raised that way through the generations, thankfully I am one of 6 and We All helped them and each other, so every family and situation is different.
Take Care, and read, read, read up on this subject and so many more threads here which will help you along your very own personal path of Caregiving! Do reply, and Ask tons of questions, we all learn from one another!
It's hard, multiple emotions and a roller coaster
There sure is not a book on "How to be a Caretaker".
I should have shared this: My husband passed away two years ago. Between that and my parents hospitalizations, I've been in deep shock and not socializing.
I feel the grief over my late h has subsided and my parents are stabilized. I want to start dating again and being social with friends. I have asked my brother to watch my parents one night every weekend. He refuses even that.
I believe he's taking advantage of my situation to unburden himself of our parents. Also, I do realize he will never help. I'm very angry at him due to those factors. There's nothing I can do to make him as many have smartly said.
I will be reading around how others have dealt with a care giving gap. I will also make certain that POA and all other pertinent documents needed for care taking and end of life issues for my parents will be in my hands, not his.
I appreciate the answers. They help a lot!!
MMasonst, good luck with your Caregiving experience, everybody's is different and you just need to find one that works for you, without dealing with your brother, as clearly he is too selfish to participate, sadly! Don't waste your energy trying to figure him into the equation, it will only bring you pain and frustration!
Did anyone mention checking out your Counties AREA AGENCY ON AGING? Do look it up and see what programs might be available to help you with your folks. The will send out a Social Worker to evaluate your parents and see what specific help is available to them. They do great things!
You made a choice to help your parent. Your brother made a choice not to. Everyone has free will. Including your parent who is refusing out side help.
See this how it really is. Your anger is directed at your sibling. If you should be angry at anyone it should be your parent who refuses to have anyone but you do all the heavy lifting.
Going forward figure out what you can do and just do that. If it falls short of what your parent needs then it is up to them to find a way to cover that shortfall...either with hiring help or going to assisted living. There will be a point that you are unqualified to assist your parent with all their needs. There is no shame in that. Think that if your brother would just help out with an appointment or two everything will be ok is on the same line as bailing out a sinking ship with a dixie cup. There is also a point where your parent can't have things the way she wants them....is your life like that? No, then why do you think hers should be any different. It is only going to get harder and you need to think in the long term.
You may be exactly right that your brother is lazy. He gets to live his life the way he wants. The money your mother is giving him does need to stop immediately.
We all wish you the best and hope you find a solution that works for you.
Is this the case? Are your parents refusing to hire any help?
i have looked after my mom, dad or both for 19 years. I’m currently lying on my 97 yo father’s couch next to his hospital bed during his final days. Could I have put them in assisted living? Yes. But the decision to keep them in their family home until the end was MY decision. It’s easy to speak of putting them somewhere but it’s NOT free.
I had gotten all my facts together, reached out to an elder care attorney, got all the documentation together and I have a very accommodating employer who allows me to work from here when I need to, previously take off for doctors appointments, etc.
i cannot express how urgent it is NOW to go to an elder care attorney and get the facts of what needs to be done (Trust fund, etc) to protect your parents and yourself. You need to be named their power of attorney ASAP.
My my father was a LAWYER and took care of everyone else’s business. I was the one to make sure to get the POA, healthcare POA, etc. When I started, the look back period was 3 years, then became 5. I got everything taken care of and when I needed it, 7 years had gone by.
All that said, you need to move NOW.