I am the younger sister who is a p/t care giver. I am overnight 4 days a week. I help them around the house, take them to doctor's appointments, go with them in the examination room to ask the doctors questions and make certain I understand the issues thoroughly (parents first language is not English and don't understand what's told them), take them grocery shopping, to the bank, etc. I've repeatedly asked my other brother, my only sibling, to assist. He lives 10 miles away while my home is 40 miles away. He says he will, but never shows. He's been passive-aggressive to me for years and years.
When I called him to help when my dad fainted and split his ear in half. Blood was gushing all over the kitchen. I thought dad had died. I was beside myself and called him to come by. He didn't. Dad had a heart issue and had a hairline fracture in his neck due to the spill. My brother did come to the hospital when I asked my mom to call him to come by.
I did "persuade" him to take my mom to the doctor's once. I asked my brother to sit in on the exam (no disrobing for mom) to understand her health issues. My parents told me my brother didn't want to go in and didn't.
I have asked my parents why he doesn't seem to help. They tell me he worked 12+ hours a day (starts work at 7am and goes until after 9pm every evening & weekend). He's a high school teacher at a private high school. I doubt his workload is this heavy. I could be wrong, but believe he is out with friends instead.
He's 60 years old, divorced and has a 30 year old daughter who is on her own. He does come once a week for two hours for Sunday dinner my mom cooks. He takes gifts of cash from my parents.
Has anyone had any experience with a sibling who refuses to help? I've asked nicely, I'm asked angrily, I've set boundaries. It's like talking to a rock.
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2ndly, I have no good advice to give you, but a lot of the people who have written to you about what they would do have many great things to consider advice wise. Stan Z. ( Tazzman )
Don't give your brother one more ounce of your energy. He doesn't deserve it and you can't afford it.
During the 5 years I lived with mom (was forced to retire from 35 yr. career, the meltdown of a 30 yr+ relationship, mom deteriorated very quickly and dramatically. numerous 911 calls, following ambulances (usually in the wee hours of the morning) , 6 admissions, countless dr. appointments [never a letup]. Younger sis (by 7-8 yrs.) has always detested me (only Freud could begin to try to figure that one out), so even though she'd retired and did not need to work financially, she kept getting new full-time jobs while I was getting CRUSHED psychologically and physically, and refused to ever come over to visit my mom because "I" was there.
The older sister has always been icily selfish and self-absorbed, and not ever much interested in family.
At some point, they each sent e-mails telling me flat-out to stop contacting them with my 'hysterical' reports (each time following ambulance rides, surgery for broken bones, strokes, constant UTIs, full-time doc appointments). Just MEAN.
SO, MMadison, I finally gave the sisters 30 days notice that I was leaving. This was emotionally devastating for me, and in NO way gave me any satisfaction. But I knew (intellectually) it was the stronger thing to do given the facts. Expectedly, the one in town is experiencing what I went through, and is now the #1 caretaker. It's been a year now, and I'm gradually, slowly healing. I've had a gift of a GREAT therapist who I've worked with for many years, and always knew of the situation and supported me big time throughout that period.
I am sorry that I couldn't provid a more hopeful experience. You'll continue to learn how absolutely classic the sibling scenario is, so knowing you are NOT alone may help you. Thinking about it, though, I am serene that I have absolutely 'clean' karma because I never said an ugly word to either of them [they are how they are, nor would they respond to a scolding from me]. I did my best with my mom [and did a damned good job], kept my peace, and am now working on healing, which will never be complete for me. My therapist tells me that I need to work with PTSD from the experience, now that I'm 'out' of the situation.
In the end, I hope that you will also know that you did your best, and never slacked off your commitment. The support from this forum kept my head above water the entire time! My best wishes to you. Namaste.
I really wish you the best, but you are between a rock, and another rock...him.l
taz0921 (Stan Z.)