She has been this way as long as I can remember. I started researching her symptoms a while back but along with her dementia she is really good at manipulating me. I lived alone and I don't have kids. She however didn't care much about me until she needs something. I feel used up. I am burned out. I lose my cool with her because of the constant questions about anything and everything and her not listening to my answers. She talks over me. Interrupts, manipulates and guilts. Insults. Taunts.
Meanwhile, I take her to the Drs. she's had cataract surgeries and God, just name it. There is so much more to this story and I fear for my health. I work and when I'm gone, I think she is fine.
I have been 'ON' for 24/7 for six months. No changes in sight. Thank you for listening.
What I want to say is, my mother in law is 90 years old, frail, dependant and needs us. It wasn't always like this.
He has told me stories of this adopted mom who from the time he moved into their home at 5 years old, beat him and his 4 other adopted brother and sisters, whenever she felt. From a can smashed on his head, to welt marks on his body, you name it, she was very abusive. She manipulated everyone. She was choir director at her church where everyone thought she was an angel. But when she got the kids home, she would fly off the handle.
Fast forward to his father dying 20 years ago, and making my husband promising to take care of mom. Which my husband made the promise.
To keep this promise, he had to set boundaries.
When he and his children visited, if mom started an argument, even after only 5 minutes, they would pack up and leave. One time she came after him with a newspaper to hit him, and he stoped her. If mom 'needs' you, she has to live by your rules. Either in your home, or if she goes home after the hospital. We all want to do what is right by the people who raised us. We all want to respect them. We are instructed biblically to 'obey' them. But as an adult there are now some equality. You should respect, but you don't have obey.
Set boundaries. You are not required to stand for abuse or manipulation though.
It is very important that you do this with an attorney so you are not charge with abandoning an elderly person. I totally understand the hell you must be going through.
You will be bitter, angry and resentful and it will only get worse over time. What if she lives another 20 years? Can you put your life on hold to take care of this mean selfish woman?
Please find help with your local senior service and have them direct your steps to get Mom on medicade and put her in a home. I know you will be frightened to do this, you will be abused and accused of abandoning her and many other things. You will guilty I am sure, but no one should have to live with this type of treatment. Saying prayers for you.
I too have a mother who only cares for me when she needs something... never calls me or even show intrest in me or my husband unless she wants something.
she is in the hospital right now... and I have moved my parapaligic father in with me... Her house is horrid shes a hoarder... My dad has been neglected for years. I never really knew how bad until I started to clean him up.... I was so very upset he had gotten into the shape he was in... My mother and I have never been close and I have always been her beating post... growing up she always yelled at me and I was always made to do all the yard and kitchen work... I cooked well when I was 11.
I guess what I am saying is your not alone in feeling this way... and I struggle so hard and resent my mother and her treatment of me... I suffer from deppresion and anxity. she was on to me so hard one time I broke out in hives.... shes made me cook when I had a broken ankle.... and she treats both of my daughters like crap too...My brother does nothing for them not even calling them but maybe once or twice a year and he lives in the same town that we live in....
My sister lives about an hour away and she wont answer her telephone or come down to help take care of them....So it leaves all the care up to me and my husband... whom are the black sheep of the family. My mother has even told people that I am crazy because I take mental health meds... It is hard as heck to make myself care for her... and my poor dad he really catches it from her.... He is at her mercy as he cant drive and get away from her... I know when she comes home from the hospital she is going to be a hand full on top of caring for my father....
she is demanding, nasty, and talks over you and doesnt want to hear what your saying... she is dying ( she thinks no body has had pain like hers ) I have had three back surgeries and two bladder... and I know part of it was caused by liftting my dads wheel chair when I was nine...I had two back surgeries in april of last year... she didnt even come over to visit me when I got home from the hospital... she never made us food or even called me on the phone... my neighbor was better to me then my own mother....
I am sorry for ranting but it sounds like you and I have lots in common. I guess venting and talking to other people with the same problems helps..
Oh I forgot to mention I had to take leave from my job to care for them.... and one of my moms friends told me that it was easier for me to leave my job then for my sister or brother... She made it sound like my job just wasnt that important...I told mom and dad that what she said was very hurtful and I know it came from my mom. I am dreading the day mom gets out of the hospital....
we are trying to get mom and dads house livable. But I know without her getting mental health ( she would never do ) its pointless to clean... we did that once and it wasnt a month later and it was the same as before... its like spitting into the wind....
Really? And if you didn't exist, where would she have gone then?
There is *always* somewhere else for people to go; the trouble is they may not like it. But that's different.
Let's start again: why did your mother need to move in with you? How old is she? And what are her formally diagnosed health issues?
By the way - feel better. It is normal and reasonable to feel sick with anger, frustration and anxiety when you have been this badly stressed for this long. Hugs to you.
It's generally not considered safe for a person past the very early stages of dementia to be unsupervised.
What do you mean " she had no place to go"? Where was she living and what happened that she had to leave?
Call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a needs assessment. They will evaluate her needs and tell you what services she is eligible for. Perhaps she can get on a waiting list for low cost or Medicaid funded Assisted Living or Memory Care. And yes, Adult Day Care would provide her with much needed socialization.
She doesn't want answers to her questions. She wants to be heard, and you want to wind down from work.
You do not want to be bombarded with questions, and she really doesn't need answers.
ASk social services if there are any kinds of senior day care or activities in your area. Perhaps she can do something out of the house one or two days a week.
Maybe there is a volunteer group you can ask to come by a couple times a week while you are at work, perhaps your church or community library or park may have something?
Take her for a walk when you get home..???
You said it all when you said she had no use for you, until she needed something from you.
You have nothing to feel guilty about and just because you don't have children doesn't mean she can move in and take over your life.
Call the counsel of aging in your area and they can direct you to available services and aid.
Please do not let this person you call mom ruin your life, she has shown you over the last six months how it is and it will only get worse.