She has been this way as long as I can remember. I started researching her symptoms a while back but along with her dementia she is really good at manipulating me. I lived alone and I don't have kids. She however didn't care much about me until she needs something. I feel used up. I am burned out. I lose my cool with her because of the constant questions about anything and everything and her not listening to my answers. She talks over me. Interrupts, manipulates and guilts. Insults. Taunts.
Meanwhile, I take her to the Drs. she's had cataract surgeries and God, just name it. There is so much more to this story and I fear for my health. I work and when I'm gone, I think she is fine.
I have been 'ON' for 24/7 for six months. No changes in sight. Thank you for listening.
You said it all when you said she had no use for you, until she needed something from you.
You have nothing to feel guilty about and just because you don't have children doesn't mean she can move in and take over your life.
Call the counsel of aging in your area and they can direct you to available services and aid.
Please do not let this person you call mom ruin your life, she has shown you over the last six months how it is and it will only get worse.
She doesn't want answers to her questions. She wants to be heard, and you want to wind down from work.
You do not want to be bombarded with questions, and she really doesn't need answers.
ASk social services if there are any kinds of senior day care or activities in your area. Perhaps she can do something out of the house one or two days a week.
Maybe there is a volunteer group you can ask to come by a couple times a week while you are at work, perhaps your church or community library or park may have something?
Take her for a walk when you get home..???
It's generally not considered safe for a person past the very early stages of dementia to be unsupervised.
What do you mean " she had no place to go"? Where was she living and what happened that she had to leave?
Call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a needs assessment. They will evaluate her needs and tell you what services she is eligible for. Perhaps she can get on a waiting list for low cost or Medicaid funded Assisted Living or Memory Care. And yes, Adult Day Care would provide her with much needed socialization.
Really? And if you didn't exist, where would she have gone then?
There is *always* somewhere else for people to go; the trouble is they may not like it. But that's different.
Let's start again: why did your mother need to move in with you? How old is she? And what are her formally diagnosed health issues?
By the way - feel better. It is normal and reasonable to feel sick with anger, frustration and anxiety when you have been this badly stressed for this long. Hugs to you.
I too have a mother who only cares for me when she needs something... never calls me or even show intrest in me or my husband unless she wants something.
she is in the hospital right now... and I have moved my parapaligic father in with me... Her house is horrid shes a hoarder... My dad has been neglected for years. I never really knew how bad until I started to clean him up.... I was so very upset he had gotten into the shape he was in... My mother and I have never been close and I have always been her beating post... growing up she always yelled at me and I was always made to do all the yard and kitchen work... I cooked well when I was 11.
I guess what I am saying is your not alone in feeling this way... and I struggle so hard and resent my mother and her treatment of me... I suffer from deppresion and anxity. she was on to me so hard one time I broke out in hives.... shes made me cook when I had a broken ankle.... and she treats both of my daughters like crap too...My brother does nothing for them not even calling them but maybe once or twice a year and he lives in the same town that we live in....
My sister lives about an hour away and she wont answer her telephone or come down to help take care of them....So it leaves all the care up to me and my husband... whom are the black sheep of the family. My mother has even told people that I am crazy because I take mental health meds... It is hard as heck to make myself care for her... and my poor dad he really catches it from her.... He is at her mercy as he cant drive and get away from her... I know when she comes home from the hospital she is going to be a hand full on top of caring for my father....
she is demanding, nasty, and talks over you and doesnt want to hear what your saying... she is dying ( she thinks no body has had pain like hers ) I have had three back surgeries and two bladder... and I know part of it was caused by liftting my dads wheel chair when I was nine...I had two back surgeries in april of last year... she didnt even come over to visit me when I got home from the hospital... she never made us food or even called me on the phone... my neighbor was better to me then my own mother....
I am sorry for ranting but it sounds like you and I have lots in common. I guess venting and talking to other people with the same problems helps..
Oh I forgot to mention I had to take leave from my job to care for them.... and one of my moms friends told me that it was easier for me to leave my job then for my sister or brother... She made it sound like my job just wasnt that important...I told mom and dad that what she said was very hurtful and I know it came from my mom. I am dreading the day mom gets out of the hospital....
we are trying to get mom and dads house livable. But I know without her getting mental health ( she would never do ) its pointless to clean... we did that once and it wasnt a month later and it was the same as before... its like spitting into the wind....
You will be bitter, angry and resentful and it will only get worse over time. What if she lives another 20 years? Can you put your life on hold to take care of this mean selfish woman?
Please find help with your local senior service and have them direct your steps to get Mom on medicade and put her in a home. I know you will be frightened to do this, you will be abused and accused of abandoning her and many other things. You will guilty I am sure, but no one should have to live with this type of treatment. Saying prayers for you.
It is very important that you do this with an attorney so you are not charge with abandoning an elderly person. I totally understand the hell you must be going through.
What I want to say is, my mother in law is 90 years old, frail, dependant and needs us. It wasn't always like this.
He has told me stories of this adopted mom who from the time he moved into their home at 5 years old, beat him and his 4 other adopted brother and sisters, whenever she felt. From a can smashed on his head, to welt marks on his body, you name it, she was very abusive. She manipulated everyone. She was choir director at her church where everyone thought she was an angel. But when she got the kids home, she would fly off the handle.
Fast forward to his father dying 20 years ago, and making my husband promising to take care of mom. Which my husband made the promise.
To keep this promise, he had to set boundaries.
When he and his children visited, if mom started an argument, even after only 5 minutes, they would pack up and leave. One time she came after him with a newspaper to hit him, and he stoped her. If mom 'needs' you, she has to live by your rules. Either in your home, or if she goes home after the hospital. We all want to do what is right by the people who raised us. We all want to respect them. We are instructed biblically to 'obey' them. But as an adult there are now some equality. You should respect, but you don't have obey.
Set boundaries. You are not required to stand for abuse or manipulation though.
If a hospitalization looks to be too long down the road, does she have a declaration of incapacity, in which she is unable to make her decisions? Do you have POA? Visit some memory care assisted living facilities, and have her go there.
Remember, YOU have the control. If you LET her come back to your home, you are giving the control back to her; and you will continually be miserable. YOU can stop this cycle of abuse, and not allow her to live with you any longer. No amount of venting will give you the peace you deserve and need as much as living by yourself and no longer be on the receiving end of the abuse.
Not everyone has the "blessing" of a lovable parent. This woman who is posting probably loves her mother, but the relationship is sinking and by the time mom dies, likely she won't even LIKE her, much less love her.
You were very lucky to have had a loving, good mom..
Read some of the other posts on here and telling these sad folks who had abusive parents to "appreciate" the time with them is like pouring salt in a wound.
Just think before you post, maybe. These people are trying to do their best...and guilting them doesn't help.
JMHO.
My father in law has lived with us for over 40 years. He was ok the
first 20 years, but these last 10 years have been hell. He is 89 years
old. The total interruptions he has put us through. So we have a nurse
come in the house 3 times a week to help not only him but us also. He
will not let us in his room to clean, dust, check up, and etc. He annoys
my husband with stupid questions, and will not stay in his area. We gave
him two bedrooms and he is slowly taking over the third. He thinks I have
not notice, but I have. He has his own bathroom, but must take his showers
in our bathroom because he doesn't have a walk in shower. He does not
believe any doctors and what they say. Like he has 2 hematomas on the brain.
Does not believe he has the early stage of dementia. Does not believe he
has glaucoma because he kept saiding the doctor was a tech not a doctor.
He has gone through cancer treatments and in remission for over 2 years.
The cancer treatments put his body through heck.
Now if you decide to take in a parent you put the burden on yourself.
My suggestion is to put them in a nursing home, I know that sounds mean,
but for someone who has worked in a nursing home. I know that great care
is taken, activies, food, and etc. is provided. My suggestion is do not
forget to visit them 2 times a month. Yes, they will throw guilt on you, but
you will have time for your family and spouse. I call it freedom, I
been waiting for time with my husband for years.
Bounties is not in my father in law book.
But I can tell everyone this: It will usually be the daughter or possibly a daughter in law who will bear the physical burden of taking care of the parents (or parents in law).
If it is a daughter (most likely) she can destroy her health and her siblings will still want to receive what they consider to be their equal share of the inheritance of the parents.
I knew a friend of my grandmother'( both long since dead) who was allowed to finish high school but then she had to go to work to help put her brother through college and law school. Do you think that when her parents died, she got an extra amount of the parents inheritance to make up to her for the money her parents spent on her brother and she herself spent on her brother? Do you think that her rich successful brother told her "I'm going to give you my share of mom's and dad's small estate because you have had to work as a hairdresser while I was a lawyer? Of course not! Especially if there are other siblings around and especially if they refuse to do anything because "they're too busy" "they have to take their kids to soccer games", etc. , the sacrifices of the main caregiver will be trivialized to the point that the other siblings will say that "well, you had access to mother's money, so you have been paid for what "little" you did.
Any post that you read on this site saying something like "your mother took care of you, now it is your time to take care of her" is usually written by a adult child (usually a son) who has no idea of the sacrifices that the main caregiver (usually his sister) is making. He would die if he had to change a diaper one time for the parents! And perhaps he is the one who wants the sister to keep doing what she does for free so that he himself will get a larger share of any remaining inheritance when the parents die.
I firmly believe that the stress I was living under when my mother moved in with me and my husband led to me having cancer. I eventually left both of them. As I put it, I ran away from home.
I needed and got therapy for myself. I recommend that you get into some therapy. You might need to try out a few therapists before you find one that clicks with you. Don't give up if the first one or two don't fit. In my journey I had 3 different ones. Each one could help me with a particular part of my life.
((HUGS))
Please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing. We are a wonderful resource.
If neither you nor Mom has money to hire help, jobshare with a friend so you can both take time off occasionally.
I am continuing with my 93 y.o. Mom who has advanced Dem/Alzh. She also has 3rd stage kidney disease. If she were to have to start dialysis, chances are she would be too weak to do dialysis at a lengthy time. She is still physically good though if it were not for Dem.
I experience much of the same from my mother. Unlike you, I get relief since she is no longer in my home. My siblings participate and we moved mom back to her house. We go there to take care of her. But now she needs 24/7 care. I am single and live alone too and my siblings have their own families. To some this sounds horrible but I can't have my mother back in my home. I won't get any rest or break. Sounds selfish and I understand how you feel. We really want to help and not see our parents homeless. I feel guilty lots of times because I hate and resent doing this job. It's seems weird to feel this way about "mom". But good that you recognize your feelings. I hope for you to find some place in your home, with a friend, or some place for you to run. Some way for you to regroup from insanity. Even if it's only to go to your room, shut the door, close your eyes and escape.............😁✈️🤗🙏