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She has been this way as long as I can remember. I started researching her symptoms a while back but along with her dementia she is really good at manipulating me. I lived alone and I don't have kids. She however didn't care much about me until she needs something. I feel used up. I am burned out. I lose my cool with her because of the constant questions about anything and everything and her not listening to my answers. She talks over me. Interrupts, manipulates and guilts. Insults. Taunts.


Meanwhile, I take her to the Drs. she's had cataract surgeries and God, just name it. There is so much more to this story and I fear for my health. I work and when I'm gone, I think she is fine.


I have been 'ON' for 24/7 for six months. No changes in sight. Thank you for listening.

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Given the relationship with your mother, she does not deserve to live with you and you have got to be strong and move her out into a facility. You do NOT have to put up with this bad behavior, regardless of why she does it. I am standing firm - when behavior starts impacting others in a very negative manner, changes must be made at once. You can't wait - it will destroy you. Do not put up with this any longer or you are a fool.
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ASmith - don't ever do that again.

If your father is paraplegic and you fear that your mother is emotionally abusive to him or neglectful of his needs, or even just not able to meet his needs reliably, then a nursing home is safer and better for him from *every* point of view.

Your sister and your brother need to wake up. Never mind, just for a moment, whether you can or can't manage it. It's a question of what is best for HIM.
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This isn’t healthy for anyone. You say you lose your cool and she taunts. This is your home.

She he has nowhere else and now you have nowhere.

Reclaim your cool. Be honest. Say, “Mom, this isn’t working for either of us.” Find her a place where she can attempt to be happy.

If if you have to, move to a different city.

Reclaim your home and your life.
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I am also being used by my parents... my father is a perapaligic and my mom is his care giver.. when she was admitted to the hospital my father had no where to go...
His home was a hoarding mess... so had to move him into my home... set a hospital bed in my living room. and for 12 weeks we took care of him. I have a sister and a brother who would not care for our father yet didnt want him to go into a nursing home... My sisters appointed job ( she took it upon herself ) to clean their house... at the time I was working and I had to take a leave from work to care for my father... I was bitter because...
1) when I came home from the hospital after surgery my mom didnt even call on the phone to talk to me... never brought me food or came to visit me
2) My mom never cares about my feelings hers are the only ones that count
3) doesnt care that I have had three back surgeries
4) and could care less about me having to stop working... One of her friends told me basically my job was not important so I could leave it anytime and take care of my parents
5) my mom when I grew up she did nothing but yell at me.. I had to cook mowl and even go with dad to put his wheel chair in the trunk of the car at age nine....
6) when I had a broken foot... my mom told me it would be good for me to walk on it to cook suppper.
7) I broke out in hives one day during her rants and raves...
8) her and my father ruined my daughters wedding and made her cry because my daughter didnt invite my sister to her small wedding. they were nasty and I was ashamed of them both
9) I have terrible flash backs about things my mother has done.... One was to throw a box of kittens into the burn barrel. another was holding my head under the fauset in the tub...
I know its not healthy to dwell on things and did I mention I am on three meds for my mental wellness. I just have come to hate her.... more and more.... she puts on this big show for everyone and they feel sorry for her because of dads condition but they dont know the true her....
we told them both they needed to make arrangements for when my mother had to go back in the hospital... I just cant take in dad again. not only that but l never ever get a phone call from her until she is needing somthing... I keep feeling guilty about my dad and me not caring for him.... I worry about her abusing him.... she fired all the care givers I had lined up to take care of dad. and I know he is not getting the care he needs from her.... He cant bath himself but she seems to think he can and that we just spoiled him while here... but we only took care of him the proper way. sorry for being so long but needing input. they are not talking to me now because my husband told them we could not take care of dad again... i have a bad back and my husband has use of only one arm... plus i dont want to leave my job again.... help please....
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ACaringDaughter Jul 2019
ASmith, you answer your own question. Both you and your husband are in agreement, you can’t do it anymore. So don’t. Don’t allow yourself to be abused. Don’t let anyone stay with you who destroys your happiness. Don’t do it and don’t feel guilty.
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GOD bless you. That's tough. Get some respite fast. In other words she needs someone to come in who is a non-medical caregiver for a few hours a day when you are home, so you can go be alone, and get things done for yourself. They can take her out, even trips to the doctor, play a game with her, go for walk, watch TV with her or just be a companion for a while. Someone she can talk with who she won't insult.
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Rbuser1 Jul 2019
Thank you for your response. She won't let anyone else take her anywhere, she doesn't want to bother them.
I do go for rides to be alone, but usually she will send for me to bring something back. I stayed late over at a neighbor's the other evening and she accused me of trying to kill her from making her worry.
Meanwhile she is supposed to moving back to her apartment she was displaced from several months ago and she said she wouldn't be worried about me then??
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Mine lives with me... 94. I am so stressed and taking time off from work. She's been sick for a week with a gi bug, and something so simple like taking extra fluids she won't do.... I am so sick of nagging her about, and 2 days ago, I said I wasn't going to nag anymore, yet I take her to the dr. today (she finally agreed to go) and to the lab. Watched tv this afternoon together, I noticed she had only had a little to drink and asked her how much out of the cup she had actually finished.... maybe 4 oz...... and I blew it, and said she needs to finish that and get some more, that it's the end of the day, and didn't we just go to the dr today and she's been having diarrhea for over a week and she KNOWS she has to drink more liquids, and she just shrugged her shoulders and then .... wait for it.... wait for it..... raised her shoulders and her nose and huffed that if she was too much trouble for me, she would go back to her home and went to her room and closed the door!!! Believe me, I would love to have her go back, but it is a couple of hours away and she has NO support system, no one over there, and I will NOT go back and forth.

I have got to get her house sold, and then down the line when she does this, find an ALF. She does not have dementia and trying to sell her house has been such an issue... she wants to go back there to go through things and I simply cannot do that. She clings to each item, and it would be horrible to have to be there. And I will NOT take that much time off from work. I have POA but of course since she is sound of mind (even tho it's NPD mind), I don't want to go behind her back, and am at a loss of how to do this.
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Mercedes2020 Jun 2019
I work with seniors to whom I'm not related. You could talk until you are blue in the face. They will not drink water most of them. They take two sips and say I have been drinking the water. Don't know any solutions except to model behavior the way you get children to read by reading a book so they copy you. Sometimes I tell them to let see who can finish a glass of water first. Have to be careful, don't want anyone to choke, so you go slowly but consistently like every ten minutes. As you watch (we) watch those silly cooking shows just keep sipping a little bit at a time.
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RBuser I hope you're okay and doing something about your predicament before you get too depressed to help yourself. Mine has npd with many flying monkeys--she gets a sadistic kick out of watching them be mean to me. I don't live with her but just visiting makes me sick and I've gone no contact for the second and last time. It's sad but anything less than that ruins me.
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RBuser1,

You've got some really good advice here. May I just emphasize that there's no treatment for NPD, and you may be doing your own emotional and physical health a huge favor by finding an alternative living arrangement for your mom. This option doesn't mean you're a "bad" or "uncaring" daughter, it's just having someone else to do the hands-on care.

Daughters of NPD mothers (including myself) are typically emotionally enmeshed with their mothers. It's a lifelong endeavor to extricate themselves from the complicated entanglements of an NPD mother. They (the daughters) have an awful time establishing and maintaining boundaries. Low contact or no contact (the ultimate boundary) may be a viable option for you. Or not. It's worked for me.
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RB - I feel for you. I had to move my mom out, too, before I went insane. Rest up, then roll up your sleeves to move mom out. It has to happen, for your survival. Once it's done, we'll celebrate it with you.
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Get her moved. The details are just that, details. Once she's out, please let her fend for herself, or arrange for a case manager from the Area Agency on Aging figure out how to get her needs met.

When she claims that there is something "wrong" with you? That's called "projection". Look it up. Shes projected her own unacknowledged mental illness onto you.

You're fine. She's a sick puppy.
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CantDance May 2019
Love the comment on projection. So very, very accurate!
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Your living arrangements are not working. Only you can change the situation. Find out what resources are available for her in your area. Life is not a dress rehearsal and life is too long to be miserable. If you start making plans to move her out of your house, you may start to feel like there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel in which you find yourself.

And it does not matter that you have no children and live alone. If that's how you want to live your life, that's your choice.
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update:
I had a medical scare last week and was in the ER for chest pains. Determined not to be my heart. I came home really weak from the chest pain and it was a not long after she was wanting me to do this and that and I knew soon she would be having some of my symptoms and be sick too. But more.
We have found her and apartment to move to but most of the details will fall on me. And she needs to go.
I don't know if I can take much more stress. I ache all over. I've also missed work for almost a week.
She has always said there is 'something wrong with you' that means mentally. I am so tired. Tired and have no anything left to give to this toxic mom of mine.
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Jean1808 May 2019
I am so so sorry. The same kind of bizarre health scare happened to me March 31. I am Catholic and received anointing of the sick on May 1. I am also in the process of an annual physical since April 29 and am now being referred for needle biopsy in the right breast - first of my life, but there is a huge breast cancer history in my family.
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Get some professional help to handle the manipulation. You have great insight into what is happening. If just may be that you two cannot be in a living together situation, and that placement is the only answer. You do not owe your very life to caring for your Mom. You clearly are seeing warning signs for your mental and physical health. If you are hurt beyond repair then your Mom is left completely alone without you. Get help with handling the guilt.
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I am very knowledgeable about NPD. My mother and sister have this. I completed numerous studies and read many books on this. There is no cure for this and you are unable to reason with them at all. I deeply sympathize with your situation. For your own health, both mentally and physically, you need to try to find her a place to live such as assisted living or nursing home. You have no obligation to financially support her. If she is unable to afford it, I am quite sure there are programs such as Medicaid or Elderly Waiver programs that will assist in financial cost of a care facility. Look into your local or state social services. Again, I totally understand what you are going through. The best is really to remove any contact with a NPD person, even if they are your parent. Don't ever feel guilty for cutting off contact. It is the only way to help and respect yourself.
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Davina Apr 2019
SeniorsHelp--Perfect advice. What type of studies did you participate in?
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Has anyone heard from the OP? I see one response from long ago.
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Rbuser1 Apr 2019
I am still here. Just tired. I appreciate all of the advice.
(9)
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There are manipulative people out there but only to people who allow themselves to be manipulated.
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Myownlife Apr 2019
Well, I agree, if you are an adult, but when it is ingrained in you and you don't realize it until your are in your 60's and that you were patterned this way from childhood, it is a different story. And after coming to that realization within the last two years of mom living with me, it is really hard to figure out the boundaries to set and go forward. It has a lot to do with never having time to oneself to be objective and realize what the plan of action needs to be vs. what I am capable of.
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Hey Countrymouse :) , actually I didn't mean technically or legally, I meant sarcastically, go figure! I did just mean "on the border" .... that there is truly no border, someone with NPD is full-fledged narcissistic, at least for those I know.
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Actually, RBuser1, not sure there is a borderline NPD. I think "borderline" comes from the nice ones, such as yourself, who tries to be nice and not tag someone with the full deal. I only think there are some good days, and in my case, lately way more bad days than good.
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Countrymouse Apr 2019
NPD is one type of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Borderline, in this context, does not mean on the border between normal and nuts - verging on being abnormal but not quite. It means on the border between neurotic and psychotic, i.e. the two main subsets of nuts.

And to give the classic definition of those two terms:

A psychotic has lost touch with reality.
A neurotic knows only too well what reality is, and can't stand it.
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I don't have a solution except to say you're not alone and it's hard.
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DarkWolf013 Apr 2019
I was about to say the same. Not that it helps ease much of the pain we suffer when there's no exit.
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Don't do this to yourself, RBuser. Narcissists don't truly love and you're letting yourself be damaged and depleted. No one should have to endure taunts and insults. I hope you quickly find someplace to put your mother!
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Go and find out how you can put her on Medicaid (if she has little or no funds) and if she does, go ahead and arrange to place her somewhere. Someone like this has no concern for anyone except themselves and the resulting abuse and horrible behavior will destroy you if you keep them with you. No one ever deserves that from anyone and when it starts, it must be stopped and if it doesn't stop, out they must go. No one should put up with this type of relationship. You must not feel guilty - just go and get help - and move her out.
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to myown life. i do understand npd. my mother suffered from it. and my wife has dementia, it's a full time job warching over her,but i loved them both ,so i never felt that caring for them was taking anything away from my life. it allowed me to try to repay my mother for the times that she had to care for me without resentment. now i hope that you realize that i have and continue to understand other peoples frustrations. when my mother died i was not relieved ,but i missed the times that we had togeather. my wife is 84 years old and i'm 85 years old .and we have been married for 66 yrs. i just pray that i live long enough so that i'm sure that she is taken cared of.. we raised 127 foster children ,so you see that she gave also of herself without questioning the times that we had to give up. she was, and still is a beautiful and a wonderful wife and mother although she continue to have dementia. i believe that this problem of dementia is the hardest on the care giver and the other membes of the family. i do understand your feelings. and i think that you should have another person to care for her. you have to set boundries and see that she quits trying to be the boss. your life matters too.i sign this off by telling you that i do understand your problems and i give you credit for taking care of her,it's not easy , but don't let it destroy your life.
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Myownlife Apr 2019
sonny7, your wife with dementia is 180 degree difference from a mother with NPD. I admire you for the the love and compassion you afford your wife. But a mother with NPD is totally different. She sucks the life out of me, a daughter, maybe it is different with a son, I don't know. But her upper lip snarls as if she is Miss High and Mighty and KNOWS what is best for everyone. I pulled myself together and planned a wonderful 94th birthday for her today.... and everything was fine until close to the end, and I just needed to "run away" and left the very end for my daughter, which I acknowledge and agree was not right of me, but it was the best I could do. Just like she is a young 94, I am a young 65 yr. old, and find it so hard to continually placate to her wants (not needs, big difference).... I need more out of life than taking care of what my mother wants... which is mostly to stay home and do nothing...... she does suck the life out of me... I am her doll... her playmate.... she knows how to do nothing on her own, she is someone who needs handholding to do whatever she does.... if I don't go to the living room to watch tv, she doesn't want to go (and stays in her room).... if I don't want a baked potato for dinner, she does not want one...... if I don't want to eat right now, she does not want to eat.... and so on..... so tiring to have a "copy cat" .... no separation.....maybe it is different for the son of NPD that it is for a daughter..... but you have absolutely no idea what it is like......
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now you know what she had to go through when she was raising you. if she loved you then , it's your turn to love her now. love knows no boundries.
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MaryKathleen Apr 2019
I don't believe it is the same at all. having a child around is completely different than having an adult with dementia around. Just think about changing the diaper of a child vs an adult. Totally different.

On my computer line on line 3 RBuser1 states, "She however didn't care much about me until she needs something". That isn't love. I don't see how your post built RBuser up.
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I could have written this myself. I feel your pain. And I know the story is so much deeper. My mother is 91 - moved in with me 1 year ago and I look 10 years older. She is so nasty and manipulative. And she is also borderline, NPD, and histrionic PD. I even recorded her once and sent the recording to my siblings. They were shocked, but can't or won't help. She has no more money left so to put her some where is going to be bottom of the barrel. Not sure what is worse - living with her or the pain I would feel watching her in one of those places.
I told my one brother I need a break - what does he do? Brings me over some "weed" and says I should smoke it and chill out. Really?
My sister and daughter are wonderful listeners, my daughter helps when she can, but she has 2 babies and works full time. Sister lives 1000 miles away and has kids and a job. I recently went on disability due to severe arthritis. So I am home with the wicked witch a lot. I don't do a lot physically for her, it is the mental torment that is so disturbing. I am so tired and drained.
You are not alone.
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Myownlife Apr 2019
Hi Sarah, the thing is, if you could just pull yourself together and think of yourself and your needs and have your mom go to one a "facility", most likely they would make sure she has the right medications and she would not "push their buttons". Any of us on the receiving end on NPD are the ones who get our buttons pushed and can't seem to manage. But, others not close to the NPD person won't be "managed". I hope this is coming out clear; it is past my bedtime :). Just know that you are important, too!!!
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RBuster1 you have no idea how similar your story is to mine. I have been living with my mother for 3 years. Before that I have always been close by to my parents, literally within two blocks of them. I am 53 with a 25 year marriage and 2 adult daughters 22 and 20 and she has always wanted me to jump at her every command. My Dad passed in 2015 and after about a year of me picking her up after work, taking her to my house for company and dinner, taking her back to her house at 10:30 - 11:00 at night, getting her meds, getting her to take the meds then she would cry that she did not want to be alone for a half hour, just to have her start calling me at 6am to tell me she did not want to be alone. We finally decided to move in as her tenant upstairs was moving out and it would be a quiet place for my girls to have their "apartment" and be able to do schoolwork and have some privacy. She does not even really talk to me except when I go out to run errands, or try to have a dinner with my hubby or friends, then she plays the victim. I know she has some dementia, but my sympathy is really done. I have been caring for her my whole life. We immigrated here from Italy and she never drove, never wrote a check, always had me to take her to doctors, never really made me feel loved or special. I just feel like her slave to fulfill her every need. I so understand you and I am sorry for venting, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone and if you ever want to message me and vent, feel free to do so. It really does provide good therapy for us caregivers. There are many caring people here who understand and do not judge us for being human and loosing it. You are a wonderful daughter and she is lucky to have you, but you need a break. Try to get away for a weekend. It is worth the money to have some of you back. Even if you check into a hotel nearby and just use the pool, gym, read, catch some movies, take a drive, walk, watever, you need to be able to be you...Prayers to you and good luck.
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Jean1808 Apr 2019
"There are many caring people here who understand and do not judge us for being human and losing it. You are a wonderful daughter and she is lucky to have you, but you need a break. " Will try to commit this to memory. I appear to be overwhelmed.
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I don't know what state you live in and how old is your mom, you can apply for Medicaid and long-term Medicaid and can have in home 24 hr care for her. Lifts some of the burden off of you and she won't feel abandoned by you.
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Myownlife Apr 2019
Oh big FYI.... Medicaid long term care will absolutely NOT provide 24 hr. care!!! If someone needs that level of care, they should be in a nursing home or assisted living.
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This sounds horrible. You need to make some serious changes, for yourself. Caring for a reasonable person is challenging enough. This sounds insane and just not OK for you to allow your life to be demeaned and neglected like this.
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It is very, very difficult. I have the same issue so I got into therapy. I was losing my mind. I’m an only child and my Dad passed away when I was in my teens. Mom is Mom. She’s too old to change. Listen, you’re mother is on borrowed time. She only has you. Our mothers are imperfect, we are too. Be gentle with yourself. Find time to be away from her. Get respite care. Seek help. You will notice that you’re strong and you can handle this.
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Myownlife Apr 2019
Genevieve, NOOOO!!! If someone is truly NPD, you are right that they won't change, but an NPD parent has never "been there" for a child, and each person needs to decide how much they want to "take" before they call it quits, and let an assisted living take over. No one should ever ever ever try to guilt someone into taking care of a parent who is NPD, or even not NPD when that person knows their own capabilities.
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Perhaps it is Time while you are Still "Alive and Semi Kicking" to Get MOM into a Nursing facility....
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Myownlife Apr 2019
AMEN, Parise!!! Yes, if anyone acknowledges they are unable to care for another, for whatever reason, then that person should remain guilt-free to decide in his/her own best interest to "let go".
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