She has been this way as long as I can remember. I started researching her symptoms a while back but along with her dementia she is really good at manipulating me. I lived alone and I don't have kids. She however didn't care much about me until she needs something. I feel used up. I am burned out. I lose my cool with her because of the constant questions about anything and everything and her not listening to my answers. She talks over me. Interrupts, manipulates and guilts. Insults. Taunts.
Meanwhile, I take her to the Drs. she's had cataract surgeries and God, just name it. There is so much more to this story and I fear for my health. I work and when I'm gone, I think she is fine.
I have been 'ON' for 24/7 for six months. No changes in sight. Thank you for listening.
i can not agree more with this person, but I realized as time is passing by, communication and calmness is the key for improved relationships.
I have a supporting family which is a great benefit, but realized I need to take care of me or neither will survive. I 'force' myself daily to do something that I like, e.g. painting, crafting, etc.
Initially she made nasty comments or queried my actions, but I persisted and it did improve my health as well as wisdom to guard myself against negativity by not really listening and making it my own (taking it from where it is coming)
Will keep u in my thoughts and prayers and know that u are not alone. Just receiving these daily already helped me a lot. Strongs
Take a chill pill and realize that Ms Universe is a fallacy at best, and that internally there is a realization that it is YOUR turn now to act with decency and accept responsibility to be nice, get nice and stay nice to Mother. Request, solicit and ask for help but again, SHE IS YOUR MOTHER
Dr Coppertino
Taking care of a parent doesn't mean having them live with you. RBuser can have her live somewhere else that is safe. All that is necessary is making sure that Mom has a roof over her head, food, and access to medical help. That can be done at a remote location.
Rbuser, take good care of yourself. You must come first. What would happen to her if you died? Someone would step in and take care of her.
((Hugs))
I know of young women whose fathers had abandoned them and their mothers. But when these young women are ready to marry, they say "I want my Daddy to walk me down the aisle"! They want to "dream" that their fathers who never even sent child support ,really loved them.
Al of us have been brainwashed to think that we are responsible for our parents even though I understand that the law says no adult is responsible for another adult.
A stepmother who beats her adopted children is not a mother and I don't think needs to be treated as a loving mother. I believe that the Bible says to "honor thy father and thy mother", not to obey them and in biblical times, I doubt if most parents even made it to age 50 or 60 so there was no dementia issues to even consider.
For the record, I took care of my maternal grandmother, and both of my parents until they died and it was an honor. But they never raised their voices to me. My mother who was an only child, wasn't emotionally able to care for her own mother (my grandmother). I was the only daughter in an Italian family so I stepped up. It cost me dearly in emotional health because I was doing it while coping with OCD, Clinical Depression and Adult ADD. but my mother did tell me about 5 years before she died at age 93 that she didn't want me to give up my life for her. It was a little late since I was already in my '60's but I'm glad that she said it.
I know I sound like a b***h but sometimes you need to be a little cold hearted when stuff like this happens.
Those three years were difficult and mom definitely had a narcistic personality disorder. As time elapsed her mobility issues became worse and all the responsibilities became too much for me. I had no help!
After three years of being her caregiver, mom developed a UTI and had to be admitted to the hospital for treatment. During her stay there, I talked to a hospital social worker and told her that I was finding it all too much looking after mother with no help. I also needed a knee replacement and was suffering myself.
The hospital social worker helped me find a nursing home for mom and she was admitted as a patient. This was wasn't easy because she became very angry that I was not taking her home.
A few months after her admittance to the home, I had my first knee replacement at the age of 60. Second knee replacement was at age 63.
Like you, I felt used up and burned out. She was never nice to me and didn't appreciate my self-sacrifice to see that all her needs were met. She went on to live another three years at the nursing home and demanded that I bring her home-made meals because she disliked the facility food.
Before mom passed away on my birthday, she did say she loved me. I had never heard her say that to me before. A week before her death she said "I don't want to go through this!".
There will come a time when you will need to ask for help. Your sanity and health is at stake!
I experience much of the same from my mother. Unlike you, I get relief since she is no longer in my home. My siblings participate and we moved mom back to her house. We go there to take care of her. But now she needs 24/7 care. I am single and live alone too and my siblings have their own families. To some this sounds horrible but I can't have my mother back in my home. I won't get any rest or break. Sounds selfish and I understand how you feel. We really want to help and not see our parents homeless. I feel guilty lots of times because I hate and resent doing this job. It's seems weird to feel this way about "mom". But good that you recognize your feelings. I hope for you to find some place in your home, with a friend, or some place for you to run. Some way for you to regroup from insanity. Even if it's only to go to your room, shut the door, close your eyes and escape.............😁✈️🤗🙏
I am continuing with my 93 y.o. Mom who has advanced Dem/Alzh. She also has 3rd stage kidney disease. If she were to have to start dialysis, chances are she would be too weak to do dialysis at a lengthy time. She is still physically good though if it were not for Dem.
If neither you nor Mom has money to hire help, jobshare with a friend so you can both take time off occasionally.
I firmly believe that the stress I was living under when my mother moved in with me and my husband led to me having cancer. I eventually left both of them. As I put it, I ran away from home.
I needed and got therapy for myself. I recommend that you get into some therapy. You might need to try out a few therapists before you find one that clicks with you. Don't give up if the first one or two don't fit. In my journey I had 3 different ones. Each one could help me with a particular part of my life.
((HUGS))
Please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing. We are a wonderful resource.
But I can tell everyone this: It will usually be the daughter or possibly a daughter in law who will bear the physical burden of taking care of the parents (or parents in law).
If it is a daughter (most likely) she can destroy her health and her siblings will still want to receive what they consider to be their equal share of the inheritance of the parents.
I knew a friend of my grandmother'( both long since dead) who was allowed to finish high school but then she had to go to work to help put her brother through college and law school. Do you think that when her parents died, she got an extra amount of the parents inheritance to make up to her for the money her parents spent on her brother and she herself spent on her brother? Do you think that her rich successful brother told her "I'm going to give you my share of mom's and dad's small estate because you have had to work as a hairdresser while I was a lawyer? Of course not! Especially if there are other siblings around and especially if they refuse to do anything because "they're too busy" "they have to take their kids to soccer games", etc. , the sacrifices of the main caregiver will be trivialized to the point that the other siblings will say that "well, you had access to mother's money, so you have been paid for what "little" you did.
Any post that you read on this site saying something like "your mother took care of you, now it is your time to take care of her" is usually written by a adult child (usually a son) who has no idea of the sacrifices that the main caregiver (usually his sister) is making. He would die if he had to change a diaper one time for the parents! And perhaps he is the one who wants the sister to keep doing what she does for free so that he himself will get a larger share of any remaining inheritance when the parents die.
My father in law has lived with us for over 40 years. He was ok the
first 20 years, but these last 10 years have been hell. He is 89 years
old. The total interruptions he has put us through. So we have a nurse
come in the house 3 times a week to help not only him but us also. He
will not let us in his room to clean, dust, check up, and etc. He annoys
my husband with stupid questions, and will not stay in his area. We gave
him two bedrooms and he is slowly taking over the third. He thinks I have
not notice, but I have. He has his own bathroom, but must take his showers
in our bathroom because he doesn't have a walk in shower. He does not
believe any doctors and what they say. Like he has 2 hematomas on the brain.
Does not believe he has the early stage of dementia. Does not believe he
has glaucoma because he kept saiding the doctor was a tech not a doctor.
He has gone through cancer treatments and in remission for over 2 years.
The cancer treatments put his body through heck.
Now if you decide to take in a parent you put the burden on yourself.
My suggestion is to put them in a nursing home, I know that sounds mean,
but for someone who has worked in a nursing home. I know that great care
is taken, activies, food, and etc. is provided. My suggestion is do not
forget to visit them 2 times a month. Yes, they will throw guilt on you, but
you will have time for your family and spouse. I call it freedom, I
been waiting for time with my husband for years.
Bounties is not in my father in law book.
Not everyone has the "blessing" of a lovable parent. This woman who is posting probably loves her mother, but the relationship is sinking and by the time mom dies, likely she won't even LIKE her, much less love her.
You were very lucky to have had a loving, good mom..
Read some of the other posts on here and telling these sad folks who had abusive parents to "appreciate" the time with them is like pouring salt in a wound.
Just think before you post, maybe. These people are trying to do their best...and guilting them doesn't help.
JMHO.
If a hospitalization looks to be too long down the road, does she have a declaration of incapacity, in which she is unable to make her decisions? Do you have POA? Visit some memory care assisted living facilities, and have her go there.
Remember, YOU have the control. If you LET her come back to your home, you are giving the control back to her; and you will continually be miserable. YOU can stop this cycle of abuse, and not allow her to live with you any longer. No amount of venting will give you the peace you deserve and need as much as living by yourself and no longer be on the receiving end of the abuse.