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Get her moved. The details are just that, details. Once she's out, please let her fend for herself, or arrange for a case manager from the Area Agency on Aging figure out how to get her needs met.

When she claims that there is something "wrong" with you? That's called "projection". Look it up. Shes projected her own unacknowledged mental illness onto you.

You're fine. She's a sick puppy.
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CantDance May 2019
Love the comment on projection. So very, very accurate!
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RB - I feel for you. I had to move my mom out, too, before I went insane. Rest up, then roll up your sleeves to move mom out. It has to happen, for your survival. Once it's done, we'll celebrate it with you.
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RBuser1,

You've got some really good advice here. May I just emphasize that there's no treatment for NPD, and you may be doing your own emotional and physical health a huge favor by finding an alternative living arrangement for your mom. This option doesn't mean you're a "bad" or "uncaring" daughter, it's just having someone else to do the hands-on care.

Daughters of NPD mothers (including myself) are typically emotionally enmeshed with their mothers. It's a lifelong endeavor to extricate themselves from the complicated entanglements of an NPD mother. They (the daughters) have an awful time establishing and maintaining boundaries. Low contact or no contact (the ultimate boundary) may be a viable option for you. Or not. It's worked for me.
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RBuser I hope you're okay and doing something about your predicament before you get too depressed to help yourself. Mine has npd with many flying monkeys--she gets a sadistic kick out of watching them be mean to me. I don't live with her but just visiting makes me sick and I've gone no contact for the second and last time. It's sad but anything less than that ruins me.
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Mine lives with me... 94. I am so stressed and taking time off from work. She's been sick for a week with a gi bug, and something so simple like taking extra fluids she won't do.... I am so sick of nagging her about, and 2 days ago, I said I wasn't going to nag anymore, yet I take her to the dr. today (she finally agreed to go) and to the lab. Watched tv this afternoon together, I noticed she had only had a little to drink and asked her how much out of the cup she had actually finished.... maybe 4 oz...... and I blew it, and said she needs to finish that and get some more, that it's the end of the day, and didn't we just go to the dr today and she's been having diarrhea for over a week and she KNOWS she has to drink more liquids, and she just shrugged her shoulders and then .... wait for it.... wait for it..... raised her shoulders and her nose and huffed that if she was too much trouble for me, she would go back to her home and went to her room and closed the door!!! Believe me, I would love to have her go back, but it is a couple of hours away and she has NO support system, no one over there, and I will NOT go back and forth.

I have got to get her house sold, and then down the line when she does this, find an ALF. She does not have dementia and trying to sell her house has been such an issue... she wants to go back there to go through things and I simply cannot do that. She clings to each item, and it would be horrible to have to be there. And I will NOT take that much time off from work. I have POA but of course since she is sound of mind (even tho it's NPD mind), I don't want to go behind her back, and am at a loss of how to do this.
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Mercedes2020 Jun 2019
I work with seniors to whom I'm not related. You could talk until you are blue in the face. They will not drink water most of them. They take two sips and say I have been drinking the water. Don't know any solutions except to model behavior the way you get children to read by reading a book so they copy you. Sometimes I tell them to let see who can finish a glass of water first. Have to be careful, don't want anyone to choke, so you go slowly but consistently like every ten minutes. As you watch (we) watch those silly cooking shows just keep sipping a little bit at a time.
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GOD bless you. That's tough. Get some respite fast. In other words she needs someone to come in who is a non-medical caregiver for a few hours a day when you are home, so you can go be alone, and get things done for yourself. They can take her out, even trips to the doctor, play a game with her, go for walk, watch TV with her or just be a companion for a while. Someone she can talk with who she won't insult.
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Rbuser1 Jul 2019
Thank you for your response. She won't let anyone else take her anywhere, she doesn't want to bother them.
I do go for rides to be alone, but usually she will send for me to bring something back. I stayed late over at a neighbor's the other evening and she accused me of trying to kill her from making her worry.
Meanwhile she is supposed to moving back to her apartment she was displaced from several months ago and she said she wouldn't be worried about me then??
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I am also being used by my parents... my father is a perapaligic and my mom is his care giver.. when she was admitted to the hospital my father had no where to go...
His home was a hoarding mess... so had to move him into my home... set a hospital bed in my living room. and for 12 weeks we took care of him. I have a sister and a brother who would not care for our father yet didnt want him to go into a nursing home... My sisters appointed job ( she took it upon herself ) to clean their house... at the time I was working and I had to take a leave from work to care for my father... I was bitter because...
1) when I came home from the hospital after surgery my mom didnt even call on the phone to talk to me... never brought me food or came to visit me
2) My mom never cares about my feelings hers are the only ones that count
3) doesnt care that I have had three back surgeries
4) and could care less about me having to stop working... One of her friends told me basically my job was not important so I could leave it anytime and take care of my parents
5) my mom when I grew up she did nothing but yell at me.. I had to cook mowl and even go with dad to put his wheel chair in the trunk of the car at age nine....
6) when I had a broken foot... my mom told me it would be good for me to walk on it to cook suppper.
7) I broke out in hives one day during her rants and raves...
8) her and my father ruined my daughters wedding and made her cry because my daughter didnt invite my sister to her small wedding. they were nasty and I was ashamed of them both
9) I have terrible flash backs about things my mother has done.... One was to throw a box of kittens into the burn barrel. another was holding my head under the fauset in the tub...
I know its not healthy to dwell on things and did I mention I am on three meds for my mental wellness. I just have come to hate her.... more and more.... she puts on this big show for everyone and they feel sorry for her because of dads condition but they dont know the true her....
we told them both they needed to make arrangements for when my mother had to go back in the hospital... I just cant take in dad again. not only that but l never ever get a phone call from her until she is needing somthing... I keep feeling guilty about my dad and me not caring for him.... I worry about her abusing him.... she fired all the care givers I had lined up to take care of dad. and I know he is not getting the care he needs from her.... He cant bath himself but she seems to think he can and that we just spoiled him while here... but we only took care of him the proper way. sorry for being so long but needing input. they are not talking to me now because my husband told them we could not take care of dad again... i have a bad back and my husband has use of only one arm... plus i dont want to leave my job again.... help please....
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ACaringDaughter Jul 2019
ASmith, you answer your own question. Both you and your husband are in agreement, you can’t do it anymore. So don’t. Don’t allow yourself to be abused. Don’t let anyone stay with you who destroys your happiness. Don’t do it and don’t feel guilty.
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This isn’t healthy for anyone. You say you lose your cool and she taunts. This is your home.

She he has nowhere else and now you have nowhere.

Reclaim your cool. Be honest. Say, “Mom, this isn’t working for either of us.” Find her a place where she can attempt to be happy.

If if you have to, move to a different city.

Reclaim your home and your life.
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ASmith - don't ever do that again.

If your father is paraplegic and you fear that your mother is emotionally abusive to him or neglectful of his needs, or even just not able to meet his needs reliably, then a nursing home is safer and better for him from *every* point of view.

Your sister and your brother need to wake up. Never mind, just for a moment, whether you can or can't manage it. It's a question of what is best for HIM.
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Given the relationship with your mother, she does not deserve to live with you and you have got to be strong and move her out into a facility. You do NOT have to put up with this bad behavior, regardless of why she does it. I am standing firm - when behavior starts impacting others in a very negative manner, changes must be made at once. You can't wait - it will destroy you. Do not put up with this any longer or you are a fool.
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good luck
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