My parents live together and are hoarders. My mom is very obese. Neither of them will go/ have gone to the doctor for their many problems, and became increasing paranoid about doctors during and since the pandemic. There's so much more...
They are 70, but in such terrible health that they seem much older.
They are both very sweet and loving with me, but my mom has something going on... we've all speculated over the years what, maybe bipolar? Not sure.
Anyway.
My dad has finally accepted that he can't drive, and NOW my siblings and I have to begin planning how exactly to proceed.
I dream of cleaning out their house and moving them somewhere smaller. I dream of them having medical care.
I really have no idea where to begin.
What a good opening line.
Your folks have been doing their thing, their way, no wish to change for a long time..
Dad has just accepted he can no longer drive. A big step.
Does Dad have a solution in mind yet to how they will get their groceries & go out?
I would start simple.
- Will they use taxis?
- Get things delivered?
- Is being as independent as possible important to them?
Or is he wishing to hand over the keys to everything so to speak & let you 'kids' drive everything now?
Do get their DPOAs and DMCPOAs and other legal documents in order. I explained to my dad, if you don't assign someone, you will be at the mercy of strangers. You tell me what you want and I make sure that is what happens, period.
If I was in your shoes, I would sit down with them and do a list of what they used the car for and figure out solutions, ie going to dinner = doordash, groceries = delivery, appointments = uber or you guys rotate who takes them.
It is really important to let them continue to live the way they want. This will build trust and help you when they really need intervention.
I am so sorry you are starting this journey. Remember, you and your siblings are not under your parents authority. If they need help, they need to be willing to make changes. If not, they lose choices and will end up in a facility sooner then needed.
Great big warm hug! This is a hard transition, parenting your parents.
What about a Social Worker and an appointment with an Elder Attorney. Also, perhaps a Geriatrician Neuro Psychologist. From what you tell us it doesn't seem like this situation is going to reverse itself.
Some type of an intervention needs to be done, gradually. The poor things they probably can't help it, they are aging, their bodies and minds are wearing out and they need help "before" an accident occurs.
Seventy today is not that old but if they haven't taken care of themselves that's a different story. But the good news is, it's never too late in life to change anything.
Trash bags, Dollar Store gloves and starting sorting, bagging, discarding and streamline. Chip away at it. Even if you take out one silverware drawer and start with that and gradually go through the entire home.
There are day respite programs in neighborhoods. Also a primary care doctor is a necessity for an assessment. I'm sure they see this a lot. Sign up for the portal for all the doctors so you know what is going on. Check out ALL of your parents doctors on your State Licensing Medical Board. This is important and should not be overlooked.
There are all kinds of dementias--Lewy Body, etc. Sometimes with the right medication, a good diet, exercise and a structured routine you can control the symptoms.
You want your parents to have qualify of life. No one likes to go to the doctors but if you went with them to their first appointment or one of your siblings, have a brother go with your dad for moral support.
I don't think stepping away would be a good move. It's sounds like it may too far gone for no one to do anything and then a little thing will become a big thing. I think they need your help and fast. Sit down, hold their hand, and look into their face and tell we will help you with whatever you need. You are not in this alone and we will find whatever you need.
I'm old school...honor thy mother and father. But you don't want to go down with the ship. There are a lot of resources out there that provide transportation--senior centers, respite programs that provide lunch, VNA--speech therapy, physical and occupational therapy, etc. Pharmacies deliver, the supermarkets deliver, there are lot of prepared meals today. Basically there are services for everything.
Good walking shoes and an UpWalker Lite. Plenty of water and cranberry juice and a CNA and shower chair for bathing. If you sell the house there is the $$$ for both parents to stay together at an Assisted Living. You can check out all of these places online, virtual tours.
You need to seek professional opinions. They both need an evaluation. They sound like they are in too bad of a state to just say they made their bed. I don't believe in that. If you can help ease their burden, not just yourself, but you need to BUILD A TEAM of people--lawyer, social worker, primary care physician, geriatrician, respite day program, Church people, VNA. Put a list of prescription on your refrigerator with all doctors names, numbers and pharmacy number.
You grab that any time they go out in the rescue. Have their ears clean then see if they need hearing aids. Hearing aids are crucial as people age, it can affect their brain if they go without.
Good reading glasses, comfortable pull on pants, white cotton briefs, get rid of all throw rugs.
You can do this. You sound like a wonderful daughter that just needs a little plan of action. Take a step and see how it unfolds. Hold a family meeting. Not everyone with agree on everything. See who shows up. If they don't want help, believe them and move on.
You are in my prayers...Amen Sister! Happy Thanksgiving.
Watch Teepa Snow and Dr. Natali on You Tube.
It truly is a mental illness and intervening against their will can have some serious, unforeseen consequences.
Just a heads up because I thought I was helping and it didn't help in the least, I think it caused damage based on the ultimate end result.
when I volunteered for as a shelter manager, I assigned to be in charge of 100+ people, 17 vehicles, health issues, mobile showers, A/C generator, trash, food, entertainment, mail, laundry, security, etc. during this period, we had to pack up operations & move to a temporary location only move to another location - still being in charge of all of this. I was overwhelmed; I was terrified. Before it started I got the best advice of my life. Someone asked me, “are you a mother?” It stopped me for a moment and I said well yeah I’ve got two sons. They replied, “then be a mother.” Funny, I instantly understood. To me, “A mother does absolutely everything whether she knows how to do it or not and she gets it done.” Then I had a little talk with myself. I said, “fear, I know I can’t get rid of you, so you know what? I’m gonna put you here on my shoulder and you’re gonna go for a little ride because I’ve got work to do.”
I managed. I did a-okay. Some days were great and another day somebody had to sit me down and told me to chill. So I learned to work and take breaks and laugh and cry. Sounds very similar to a caregiver.
you can only do what you can, BUT also you can look to the future and understand you must do what you need to do. Do it lovingly whether you want to or not because it will come back on you if you don’t. it’s good you reached out to people like this. Get face-to-face support as well.
Be smart, be tenacious, be pro-active (in a dancing way), never forget to think of them in the frame of giving them the dignity of being an individual who wants to keep their self-respect and act accordingly.
Eventually you’ll have to confront them lovingly as a parent to a child but then immediately you need to switch back to giving them the respect as the parent they deserve. It is a hard dance to learn!
bottomline, always hold on to the fact that you know what you’re doing is good and the right thing.
To his credit, he got all the legal stuff set up years ahead of his decline. He burned through one earlier POA and now it has fallen to me (living on the opposite coast) to manage his affairs. He’s a Vietnam vet, so I have filed an application for gov’t assistance. I arranged the clean-out and sale of his home (the realtor was AMAZING), and so on.
My point is, what YOU can do ahead of time may be very limited. Encourage your parents to make a will, an estate plan if possible, and choose POA or DPOA and Trustee(s). Even in denial about so many other things, they may be able to recognize the end is inevitable and it makes sense to make some arrangements now while they still can. It’s really good that your Dad gave up driving! There’s hope he can listen to reason..
Please make an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney who can walk you through the process of placing them in a city or village where they can walk to stores, libraries and other fun experiences. Please ask for a referral to a continuum Care Facility where they could stay and never have to move again. Continuing Care Retirement Communities: the cost might shock you, but selling the house and using financial accounts can make sense of a forever home that will eliminate the need to move your parents again. These facilities provide shopping and medical appointment vans and even take able bodied clients to events.
(copy and paste)
https://www.seniorliving.org/continuing-care-retirement-communities/
yeah, this is huge, actually. So much in mys parents' situation got worse during the pandemic, and myself & my siblings were nearly paralyzed as to how to help. I feel like I am still digging them out of THAT hole, let alone the holes they've dug for themselves.
If you are familiar with hoarding often hoarders will agree they need help; when however the push comes to shove it isn't happening.
I would caution you not to intervene and to leave them to themselves after offering and information on where they can get help.
I would suggest you see a Licensed Social Worker in private practice of counseling. They are often aware of these mental issues.
I would suggest you get and read the book Never Simple, a memoir by Liz Scheier about her attempt to help her mentally ill mother, along with the entire auspices of the City and State of New York, all to her own chagrin and all to no avail.
You didn't create this mess your parents have lived for some time. You cannot fix it. You should not sacrifice your own life to it.
I wish you the very best and if you continue down this road I hope that you will return and tell me "all fixed". I am 80, and that will be a first. Not everything CAN be fixed. I am so sorry.
It's hard to begin but you and your siblings can take action. Is anyone POA? If not, get them to an atty to get their paperwork in order. Will, living wills, POAs, etc.
Get appts with their docs. Good to see your dad is on board. Tell them they "need" to go for insurance purposes or whatever little fib works for you. Talk to the doctor's office in advance so that they have the information that is factual, so who knows what your parents will say to the doc. A sibling should definitely attend the meeting with your parents to know what is said and to fill in the blanks.
Best of luck.