It's starting. I'm so nervous about this whole process. Any suggestions?

You are lucky you are just at the beginning of the inevitable train wreck, when you still have the chance to step away and let them live the life they have willingly created for themselves. Stay on the sidelines! Once you get all enmeshed, it will be hard to disengage. If you have siblings all eager to get up in this mess, well, let them! Don’t go making trouble. “Dreaming” of cleaning their house? Sounds like a nightmare. They made their life, let them live it. Otherwise, you could be in for 20+ years (or more!) wailing on this forum. It isn’t necessarily up to you to fix everything…or, anything, really.

One thing and I mean no disrespect to any other posters, do not go in trying to take control. Do not try to make them move, sell their home or anything else drastic. They will dig in and resist every effort to help if they think you guys are planning a hostile take-over.

Do get their DPOAs and DMCPOAs and other legal documents in order. I explained to my dad, if you don't assign someone, you will be at the mercy of strangers. You tell me what you want and I make sure that is what happens, period.

If I was in your shoes, I would sit down with them and do a list of what they used the car for and figure out solutions, ie going to dinner = doordash, groceries = delivery, appointments = uber or you guys rotate who takes them.

It is really important to let them continue to live the way they want. This will build trust and help you when they really need intervention.

I am so sorry you are starting this journey. Remember, you and your siblings are not under your parents authority. If they need help, they need to be willing to make changes. If not, they lose choices and will end up in a facility sooner then needed.

Great big warm hug! This is a hard transition, parenting your parents.

You really are at the beginning. OK, first take a deep breath. I’m just going to offer a story of encouragement:

when I volunteered for as a shelter manager, I assigned to be in charge of 100+ people, 17 vehicles, health issues, mobile showers, A/C generator, trash, food, entertainment, mail, laundry, security, etc. during this period, we had to pack up operations & move to a temporary location only move to another location - still being in charge of all of this. I was overwhelmed; I was terrified. Before it started I got the best advice of my life. Someone asked me, “are you a mother?” It stopped me for a moment and I said well yeah I’ve got two sons. They replied, “then be a mother.” Funny, I instantly understood. To me, “A mother does absolutely everything whether she knows how to do it or not and she gets it done.” Then I had a little talk with myself. I said, “fear, I know I can’t get rid of you, so you know what? I’m gonna put you here on my shoulder and you’re gonna go for a little ride because I’ve got work to do.”

I managed. I did a-okay. Some days were great and another day somebody had to sit me down and told me to chill. So I learned to work and take breaks and laugh and cry. Sounds very similar to a caregiver.

you can only do what you can, BUT also you can look to the future and understand you must do what you need to do. Do it lovingly whether you want to or not because it will come back on you if you don’t. it’s good you reached out to people like this. Get face-to-face support as well.

Be smart, be tenacious, be pro-active (in a dancing way), never forget to think of them in the frame of giving them the dignity of being an individual who wants to keep their self-respect and act accordingly.

Eventually you’ll have to confront them lovingly as a parent to a child but then immediately you need to switch back to giving them the respect as the parent they deserve. It is a hard dance to learn!

bottomline, always hold on to the fact that you know what you’re doing is good and the right thing.

Not everything has a good answer or an answer at all. I would, along with the rest of your family, discuss this issue with a Certified Licensed Social Worker in private practice. I think you will find that your choices are limited. I do not see an answer to this at all. Eventually something will come to the point of Emergency Services needing to be called. At that time I would also call in social workers, for the little good they can be in these situation. I would study up online for suggestions. I wonder myself if there is any forum specifically for families of hoarders. It is a very complicated and difficult situation. I surely do wish you the best. I cannot imagine you and the family have not tried things prior to this, and I think you already have seen how well your helping and suggestions have worked. My heart goes out to you.

For what it’s worth, here’s what happened with my older brother. He never married, lived alone. Resisted suggestions to think ahead and move into assisted living. Starting falling, became increasingly immobile. Used grocery delivery services, restaurant delivery, employed a yard care guy and had a good friend who would drive him to doctor visits. Health issues multiplied, more falls, became more immobile. Employed (at his own expense) home health aides to cook and clean and keep track of meds and help with personal hygiene. Finally suffered “altered mental state” from sepsis most likely that sent him to ER. Whole mess of things happened after that, ended up losing his right leg. Never got to go back home. Now living in a RCFE.
To his credit, he got all the legal stuff set up years ahead of his decline. He burned through one earlier POA and now it has fallen to me (living on the opposite coast) to manage his affairs. He’s a Vietnam vet, so I have filed an application for gov’t assistance. I arranged the clean-out and sale of his home (the realtor was AMAZING), and so on.
My point is, what YOU can do ahead of time may be very limited. Encourage your parents to make a will, an estate plan if possible, and choose POA or DPOA and Trustee(s). Even in denial about so many other things, they may be able to recognize the end is inevitable and it makes sense to make some arrangements now while they still can. It’s really good that your Dad gave up driving! There’s hope he can listen to reason..

See Certified Elder Law Attorney and get POA for financial and medical in place and find out what legal options you have for selling their home and getting them the medical care they need. If they are unwilling to give you POA there really aren't that many options for you. You could apply for guardianship through the court system, but that will cost several thousand dollars and take some time. The attorney can walk you through all the steps that you need to take.

"It's starting"
What a good opening line.

Your folks have been doing their thing, their way, no wish to change for a long time..

Dad has just accepted he can no longer drive. A big step.

Does Dad have a solution in mind yet to how they will get their groceries & go out?

I would start simple.

- Will they use taxis?
- Get things delivered?
- Is being as independent as possible important to them?

Or is he wishing to hand over the keys to everything so to speak & let you 'kids' drive everything now?

Good Morning,

What about a Social Worker and an appointment with an Elder Attorney. Also, perhaps a Geriatrician Neuro Psychologist. From what you tell us it doesn't seem like this situation is going to reverse itself.

Some type of an intervention needs to be done, gradually. The poor things they probably can't help it, they are aging, their bodies and minds are wearing out and they need help "before" an accident occurs.

Seventy today is not that old but if they haven't taken care of themselves that's a different story. But the good news is, it's never too late in life to change anything.

Trash bags, Dollar Store gloves and starting sorting, bagging, discarding and streamline. Chip away at it. Even if you take out one silverware drawer and start with that and gradually go through the entire home.

There are day respite programs in neighborhoods. Also a primary care doctor is a necessity for an assessment. I'm sure they see this a lot. Sign up for the portal for all the doctors so you know what is going on. Check out ALL of your parents doctors on your State Licensing Medical Board. This is important and should not be overlooked.

There are all kinds of dementias--Lewy Body, etc. Sometimes with the right medication, a good diet, exercise and a structured routine you can control the symptoms.

You want your parents to have qualify of life. No one likes to go to the doctors but if you went with them to their first appointment or one of your siblings, have a brother go with your dad for moral support.

I don't think stepping away would be a good move. It's sounds like it may too far gone for no one to do anything and then a little thing will become a big thing. I think they need your help and fast. Sit down, hold their hand, and look into their face and tell we will help you with whatever you need. You are not in this alone and we will find whatever you need.

I'm old school...honor thy mother and father. But you don't want to go down with the ship. There are a lot of resources out there that provide transportation--senior centers, respite programs that provide lunch, VNA--speech therapy, physical and occupational therapy, etc. Pharmacies deliver, the supermarkets deliver, there are lot of prepared meals today. Basically there are services for everything.

Good walking shoes and an UpWalker Lite. Plenty of water and cranberry juice and a CNA and shower chair for bathing. If you sell the house there is the $$$ for both parents to stay together at an Assisted Living. You can check out all of these places online, virtual tours.

You need to seek professional opinions. They both need an evaluation. They sound like they are in too bad of a state to just say they made their bed. I don't believe in that. If you can help ease their burden, not just yourself, but you need to BUILD A TEAM of people--lawyer, social worker, primary care physician, geriatrician, respite day program, Church people, VNA. Put a list of prescription on your refrigerator with all doctors names, numbers and pharmacy number.

You grab that any time they go out in the rescue. Have their ears clean then see if they need hearing aids. Hearing aids are crucial as people age, it can affect their brain if they go without.

Good reading glasses, comfortable pull on pants, white cotton briefs, get rid of all throw rugs.

You can do this. You sound like a wonderful daughter that just needs a little plan of action. Take a step and see how it unfolds. Hold a family meeting. Not everyone with agree on everything. See who shows up. If they don't want help, believe them and move on.

You are in my prayers...Amen Sister! Happy Thanksgiving.
Watch Teepa Snow and Dr. Natali on You Tube.

Please make an appointment for yourself with a Geriatric Psychiatrist and plan a group meeting to discuss Dad's acceptance of not driving and hoarding issues and Mom's mood swings, hoarding and anxiety about doctors.

Please make an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney who can walk you through the process of placing them in a city or village where they can walk to stores, libraries and other fun experiences. Please ask for a referral to a continuum Care Facility where they could stay and never have to move again. Continuing Care Retirement Communities: the cost might shock you, but selling the house and using financial accounts can make sense of a forever home that will eliminate the need to move your parents again. These facilities provide shopping and medical appointment vans and even take able bodied clients to events.

(copy and paste)
https://www.seniorliving.org/continuing-care-retirement-communities/

My very first suggestion above all else is a thorough, complete, medical evaluation, so your family knows what the deal is and the level of care required. Call it a check up.