I'm 37, single, no kids. I have finished my Master's degree few years ago and now work in a field that I love and for a great agency. My dear mom, who I live with, was diagnosed with dementia about 1.5 years ago. She is declining quickly. I have siblings, but of course since I'm the "youngest" and the one "not married and living at home with mom" I took most of the caregiver job. I have one sister that helps me so much above and beyond her capability, but again, she lives 1 hour away from us and still she commutes daily to take care of mom while I work. I don't want to put mom in a nursing home.
My job is pretty demanding, they are flexible with me, but demanding and requires 300% of my attention when i'm on the clock. Ever since my mom was diagnosed, my attention and performance went down---I reached a point where I gained a whopping 30 pounds, I started to freeze everytime I want to apply to another job within a different team that is a bit less demanding and miss deadlines of the application, I don't know why I've become like that...it's like I'm afraid of getting a new job or too exhausted to apply. My colleagues are growing and moving to other better opportunities and here i'm stuck, exhausted, I feel like i'm an empty battery with no power and still pushing myself to work. Seeing my mom decline, the pressure of my job, being a caregiver, fighting with my other siblings to be involved, doctors appointments, just made me unable to think clearly and miss on work/professional growth opportunities---i literally freeze every time I see a job application. Is it time for me to resign? resigning means losing an income, but I feel I will walk out of my work with dignity rather than being that one under-performing worker.
The work environment is one that is so demanding and they favor people with no families. My supervisor knows I have a sick mother at home and they are flexible with me, but im' also exhausted and I feel like i'm lying to myself for keeping like this and I feel it's time for me to call it quit.
May I suggest that you need to expand the caregiving team. You and your sister need a few more helping hands - other family members, friends, members of faith community, paid help - to give you a little more "time off" daily and weekly from caregiving and working.
May I suggest that you use your "time off" to meet your needs. Get a thorough physical from your primary care doctor. Get your dental health check-up. Make sure you get plenty of rest (7-9hours), healthy meals, and exercise in sunlight. If these don't help to "recharge" your battery, then consider seeing a counsellor to work through issues that keep you from progressing.
Congratulations to you on your Master degree!🎂👏🏾 .✅
You stated that you are doing the work you love;and with a “great agency” ✅
Sounds like to me that you are are living your LIFE on purpose.
Your Mom is blessed to have you has a caregivers ;as well as her youngest child.
Caregiving is a life changing experience which does need as many family members as possible to be involved. Especially working together as Mom life will change dramatically. Form my experience with my BF caregiving for his Mom of 88 years old. Dementia is rollacoster journey for family,friends,doctors,and all involved.
Can you take a leave of absent from work? Having some quality time and a limited amount of distractions will help you to “THINK” before making a major decision of quitting your job that you love ,and work hard to get.
Space from distraction has a way of letting you hear,and not feel with high emotions. Decisions should be a process weighting all options before making final decision. I have learned this!
I know you want the best life for your Mom ; but
you must must consider your needs first. Mom is pulling from you therefore you must take care of your soul,spirit,and your body!FIRST
Think first,journal,and pray to God the higher power for direction for all decision. “Trust in the Lord with all thy heart and lean not to thy own understand and in all thy ways acknowledge him and he will direct thy path. Proverbs 2:5,6
Stay will this web site;great resources and support.
Have a peaceful Day!
Love your mother, care for her to the best of your abilities, and hire home care if she has some money to draw upon. If she is broke, all the better. Apply for Medicaid and she will qualify for caregiving, meds, etc.
I was in a similar position, now close to retiring. So I get the multiple stressors. Your siblings are burdening you because they are applying "singlism". That's the idea that an uncoupled, unchilded person should be the sacrificial person upon whom all burdens are placed. Nonsense. Your mother has several children. They need to pitch in. Advise them you will see an eldercare lawyer to decide what is best for your mom. They will perk up at that. You are not their default slave because you didn't spawn.
There is help and good news! You’re not alone as most of us here in position of years of caregiving…and resentment. You have the power to change your life for the better…instead of continuing to go down the dementia foxhole..with your mother. If you continue the “self destructive “ path, you will be fired from your current job, put on more pounds, never have a social life..& you will be abused by your mother. Dementia gets worse. My mother is 94 & I’m 62. I wish I was 37. I would do things so differently. I’m leaning towards placing my mother very soon as her agitation increases & now she don’t recognize me at all. You must NOT ruin your life anymore. Things are opening up & so is life. I just gave similar advice to another woman close in age to you. I told her not to make the same mistake I did. She wanted to not take a job opportunity in return for being a caregiver for her mother…
About me: Here I am 62 and still with my mother..94 with dementia..& getting worse every day. Career on hold ..never married & no children. I often wonder…how did I screw up so bad? Or sacrifice MY LIFE?!? I made my mother my life …my bad decision.
Take some time off with family leave to tour facilities.
If you want her to stay home, hire full time 24/7 live in caregivers. Get your own apartment.
If you stay home with her, she won’t let other caregivers touch her & will only want you to change her diaper.
HUGS 🤗
A new job at the moment could compound your troubles and may not offer the escape you are hoping for. It is awkward for them to let you go under FMLA, so get that protection if you have not already.
The question coming up in my mind is whether your mother has much wealth or assets that will help you if you quit your job. So that you have something to fall back on. If she doesnt, then you wont be able to keep caregiving for her and I think you will need to put her in a care facility. Please please DO NOT do it yourself.
II am the same age as you and with a parent with advanced alzheimer's. I also have a demanding job and cannot afford to work. So I cant imagine that you can afford not to work. Unless as I questioned, whether your mother has lots of assets which you can use which will allow you to quit your job.
You really need to think about self preservation. Parents do not have kids to have them suffer, crash and burn. A parent wants their children to thrive and flourish, A good parent does anyway. I think you really need to look after yourself as the primacy focus.
What will you do for health insurance (assuming you live in the US)?
You'll have a massive gap in you work history when she dies.
Resign from being a caregiver, not from your job. Find her a facility.
It isn't your decision. How many siblings do you have? What would you like them to do that they aren't doing (not including the sister who helps you). You won't be able to change them. But the one you can change is YOU.
The current situation is causing you great stress (rightfully so!). You are only 37, and canNOT sacrifice your health and your financial future to the altar of elder caregiving.
What is your mother's financial situation? Can she pay for a facility? Could she become Medicaid-eligible?
Please keep us updated.
And, coming from / being a corporate lawyer, you know what you're talking about. I hope the writer listens / heeds your wisdom.
I esp like the analogy about the airplane: Put your own oxygen on first.
In life . . . and so many on this site do not do that and wonder why they are frazzled, burnt-out, anxiety ridden, falling apart. One MUST take care of their self FIRST before being available to another. And, my analogy not as nice as yours "don't go down with a sinking ship."
IF you think MOM is not gonna have a good time-- wrong-- she willhave a table full of friends to interact with 3 times a day at meals !
TO find a good one-- go there visit them at lunch time-- check out the food-- look for good well prepared food-- be prepared to pay for what you get.. check out the rooms... the size of them whether she'll be sharing one or if you can afford a private one. And of course meet one on one with the entertainment director--
DO this NOW -- do not wait til she declines further... she will want to be where she is safe-- unable to escape and get hurt and totally break your hearts.
SO stop thinking about how you feel-- do the right thing. Good luck,,, GOD bless you and your family.
You are far too young to be caregiver to your mom.
And I bet if you had asked her 5 years ago if she would want you to give up all that you have worked for, gone to school for to care for her if she became ill I will bet you that she would have said under no circumstances should you do that.
With moms assets hire caregivers to come in and care for her while you are at work.
OR
Find a Memory Care facility where she will be cared for in a safe environment that was built for that purpose. (what changes will you have to have made in your current house to care for her when she can not go up stairs, walk into a shower, climb over the side of a tub to take a shower. Or get a wheelchair through a hallway or door way)
Placing mom in a MC facility may give her more stimulation, more activities than you or a caregiver can give if you are working. Can you get her involved in a game, take her to lunch or a ride in a van to see the color change in the fall?
(By the way, the weight gain you have had..I have blamed mine on COVID and am now calling it the COVID-19-21..was 19-20 last year!)
As far as freezing when applying for a job, everyone does that. It is difficult to make changes. It is nerves. Sorta like first day of school jitters.
Before you make ANY changes please consult with an Elder Care Attorney and make sure you have an idea what is in store, make sure you have all the paperwork you need.
If you were my daughter I would say to you...
Live your life. I will be alright. I do NOT expect YOU to care for me. MC or hired caregivers but I do not you to put your life on hold for me.
Many thanks for sharing. You are a lovely woman.
"...Live your life. I will be alright. I do NOT expect YOU to care for me. MC or hired caregivers but I do not you to put your life on hold for me."
You will/may not have spousal income to help you if you choose not to marry.
Talk with an elder attorney to get your mother's affairs in order, advance directives, power of medical attorney, power of financial affairs, if she owns her home hospitals and care facilities could take it to cover (exorbitant) expenses, so it might leave you both homeless and without funds from its sale to purchase your own home. I cared for my father an toward the end I was so burned out we (my brother and I) put him in respite for a month. Part ( a week?)might have been covered by Medicare but his share was $6000 for that one month.
It might be possible and affordable to have 24/7 in home care to leave you free to work. If her funds don't cover this, look into all siblings splitting the costs.
You might consider billing her estate for the care you and your sister have provided already. Plunk that into you and your sister's own accounts after you pay taxes, social security etc. Consider a money making investment for the long haul.
If you choose to live in her house even with 24/7 aides, I don't think you should have to pay rent as you will, inescapable be a care manager for the care team.
I quit work at 62 to care for my parents in my home, drew from social security and another retirement account earlier which cost a loss of monthly benefits for the rest of my life. I am never married, so that's all there is. I'd probably do it again, because 1) I was toward the end of my career (maybe), and 2)
it was the right thing to do.
Above all, take good good care of your own physical and mental health. Walk every day, have someone you can talk honestly to because it's dark and darker at times.
Check with your EAP program at work, see if they have resources that might help. If your parents were in the military USAA might be an option for both your mom and you, they do more than just good insurance.
Blessings.
9-5 work - mom needs help
5-9 you ?
9-5 overnight
Mom is lucky to have so much love around her - taking her into the future.
If you love your job, don't quit. Instead find a great care facility or in-home caregiver for your mother.
Keep in mind that your mother is only going to get worse, not better. And, the caregiving is only going to get harder. It is better to find a facility now, than when things really go downhill.
Keep your job.
I have been taking care of my mother for almost 22 years and I did leave my job to care for her. It is a 24/7 job and it is exhausting at times, especially when I do not get enough sleep. Not taking real good care of myself, grabbing quick foods that are not the healthiest and stress from other family members plus all the other stress that goes along with caregiving caused me a serious health problem, but I am well now and making wiser choices, taking time for myself. I am glad you have support from your sister. It will get harder and get more stressful as your mom declines. I have help for the last 14 years of which I am very grateful. If I had to do over I would make sure I had long term disability insurance. I had it at the time I was young and healthy but cancelled.. Hire outside help. I did and had a very good high school student that was reasonable. I also hired a housekeeping service for 7 years. I got on a Foster Care program about 6 years ago to help with the expenses. I will be collecting soon my SS. I worked since I was 15 years old and my pension and SS limited. I would advice working at least part time or try to get a home based job if you want to care for your mom. I know many people who are working from home and make a good salary. You need some time for yourself, I would make sure you take some time for yourself to regroup. Maybe your sister can stay with your mom for a few days per week. You are extremely fortunate to have such a wonderful sister to help out. Have a family meeting and discuss future plans for your mom. I know both you and your sister want to keep your mom home and take care of her so I will not advice on other options. I have no regrets, but would plan better. It will be a long road ahead for all of you. It can work with help if you plan well. I wish you the very best.
If you think you feel you are "losing it" now, being a full-time caregiver is ten times the stress. When my mom died, I had no sense of identity because every moment I had to care for mom so do that for YEARS and YEARS it depersonalizes and you no longer are your own, but a caregiver. Mom was 100% dependent on me including her insulin, changing diapers (about 7 times a day), and every Tues, Thursday and Sundays were bowel movement days. I had to induce bowel movements or she would get impacted -- what that means the stool is so hard and round it is like a baseball stuck in there and nothing can come out so it is an emergency room visit to disimpact her. That is why I kept a strict bowel schedule. Feeding tube in the end. She lasted 90 years, 3 months. Alzheimer's did not kill her--but the complications of diabetes and kidney and liver diseases. Mom died comfortably, without discomfort in her own home...at sacrifice to myself. At 60 years old I am forced to "start over".
You need to find out what kind of dementia she has. Lewy body is much more aggressive. You should plan on nursing home placement and get her Medicaid ready which means a visit to an eldercare attorney. With Lewy body, she won't last long. And get prepaid funeral arrangements. Estate planning.
JOBS ARE HARD TO GET. Don't blow it. Keep your job, but you may want to take a leave of absence under the Federal Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) to get things sorted out and organize estate planning, prepaid funeral/cremation, or if you cannot afford a funeral/cremation have her body donated to science which is 100% free including cremation, transportation and death certificate.
There are many services that do that, such as https://www.sciencecare.com
I hope your family helps you with these arrangements instead of leaving it all up to you.
When she dies, the money will cut off. Instantly. But the bills never stop. If you quit you will greatly regret it later.
I hope this helps
1) Are you already at a point at which you are independently wealthy or close to it? If not quite, are you at least at a point at which a fairly minimal source of income (either from your mother and/or from siblings) would enable you to maintain your current financial position?
2) If the answer to #1 is no or "not quite" then does your mother have sufficient financial resources such that if/when she had to go into a nursing home, she could afford to do so, and her financial resources would outlast, let's say, at least a decade (or at least what is a reasonable prognosis for her condition) such that there would be a substantial inheritance (even after division among siblings)? Do you know your mother's financial situation, and has anything ever been discussed about what assets she has or what she intends to do with them? If so, do you, your mother, and siblings get along well enough that this situation is not likely to change?
3) You are single without children at age 37. Are you hoping to get married and/or hoping to have children, or do you plan to remain as you are? If you plan to stay as you are, your own financial needs are somewhat more predictable (assuming, of course, that you remain healthy and independent for a long time).
4) What is your housing situation? Depending upon your lifestyle and desires, this could have considerable impact when considering various options.
But if you can afford to quit work and you and your mom get enough income in to pay the bills then that would be an option.
BUT, it is Very Very Very hard being a 24 7 Caregiver which you will become once you quit work.
At least going to work is an out for you right now, I think you should do whatever is best for you.
If you don't care fir yourself, no one will.
Start with working Part Time if that's not possible then change jobs.
Also, sign up at a gym and start working out, you will feel better once you loose the weight that all the stress has brought.
Prayers
I recently moved my mother from AL to a nursing home and it was the best decision I made. The nursing home has really managed her care better than any other option I tried.
If you resign from your job, you will have a gap in employment and income. You need to insure that you are saving for your own retirement and future. You need to be able to enjoy your life. You say you love your field and work for a great agency. Don’t use this situation as an excuse to fail. Resigning from your job won’t help your mood long term or make your mother’s care easier. You need to plan for a life beyond your role as a caregiver. Resigning won’t make it easier to re-enter your career in the future. Your mother will only continue to decline. Set strong boundaries. Therapy can help you do that.