Is it the time for me to resign from my work?

It is time to quit...but not your job. Place your mother in a living situation where she will get the type of care that will allow you to live your best life, and she will be cared for appropriately. You are already staggering under this weight. Act now before you collapse.

I think that you need to get a handle on what mom's needs are. Does she need a nursing home for a serious and chronic health condition? She won't be eligible for NH setting based solely on dementia.

Have you considered a Memory Care facility?

Do you have a sense from mom's neurologist what her prognosis is?

How many years can you afford to be out of the work force before it makes it impossible for you EVER to retire? Would your mom want that for you?

When my mom developed dementia after a stroke, had CHF and broke her hip, it became clear that she needed fulltime care.

My brothers and I all had mortgages to pay and no ability to stop working for more than a day or two when there was an emergency. Mom did very well in her Nursing Home...for 4 1/2 years.

Your 37 years old, has your current job been so lucrative that you can afford to retire? Read your second paragraph again. Are you considering resigning to look for another job or to become a full time caregiver? The best time to look for another job is when you're currently employed. So do that if you want. You say you love the company you're with, but the demands are stressful, so look for an intra-company position that's not so taxing.

Unless you're anticipating caring for your mom until the very end, which may be an overreach of your caregiving limits, and much longer than you expected, she may need care facility placement at some time. Sometimes a LO will adapt to placement in a care facility more easily early in their disease. Think about it. And what income would you have during your caregiving years?

Having been a caregiver for several, and possibly many, years is not one of the qualities or the experiences a prospective employee is looking for in a resume'. Your master's degree means nothing as a caregiver, but does have credence to an employer...stay employed.

You are too young not to work; you cannot get paid for caring for your Mom. You are living with her. When we see this happen on forum often the caregiver ends up homeless, jobless, desperate and without a job history. You need to have your own life, your mother having already had hers.
I think that it is time for you, once you know your Mom needs someone 24/7, to consider her placement in LTC so you can continue to work, have a life and a home and a family of your own.
I suggest you see a Licensed Social Worker trained in counseling (often they are highly trained on life transitions counseling.)
This is a decision that is full of grief for all involved, but there is no fix it here. There is no way you can both sacrifice your own life to your Mother and still HAVE a life of your own, and we all deserve to have a life this our one and only go around in life. You are only 33. The time will come when your OWN children will face this same dilemma; would you want them to sacrifice their lives to you? I am 79. It would deeply hurt me to think that could happen to my children, and I have worked hard and saved big to prevent my children taking this responsibility on.

I have a slightly different perspective: find a combination of the two.   But first, loss of confidence is I think one of the primary aspects to affect career women.   And it does take awhile to recover.   If you quit full time work, recovery of your self confidence will be more challenging.  I speak from experience.

I'm wondering if you've explored part time  or work from home opportunities, either in the same company or same field.   Both would allow you to continue caring for your mother and work at the same time.   Working at home seems to be growing in popularity as a result of the pandemic.   I kind of suspect from what you've written though that this is a firm that requires a lot of interaction and "face time" with other employees as well as management.

Does your company offer family leave opportunities?   If so, that might work for a limited period of time while you plan you and your mother's future.    I'm wondering if your mother's or your financial status can support in home care.  (And for all those who insist that you aren't obligated to financially support your mother, I offer that we're each entitled to our own opinions, and if you want to assist her financially, that's YOUR choice.)

And as to being discriminated against  (and that's what it is) for taking time out to care for your mother, two of the best firms for which I work felt that my going to school at night "interfered" with my own prospects for advancement.   (I was working on my BA.)   Employers can find anything to use as a tool against advancement.

Please don't become me -- you're far too young.

I've put my life on hold to care for my parents for the past seven years, but that's mostly OK since I wasn't working anyway and still had a couple of kids at home early on. (I'm 60 now.) However, I have no friends where I live, don't let myself get involved in anything where I would need to be there every week reliably, and I rarely agree to go on a vacation. My husband retired a year ago, and thanks to Covid, we haven't really done anything anyway, but now that things are opening up, we'd like to travel and move to another state, but I just can't do it, because literally every time we go so somewhere, a crisis befalls Mom and/or Dad. My husband has been a saint about it.

You'd think from the description above that I'm caring for my mom (Dad's gone now) full-time, but no, she's in a memory care. I cared for both my parents in their house for the two months my dad was sick, and I knew immediately that the situation would never improve and would only get worse. Both my husband and brother suggested we move into my parents' house so I could care for Mom full-time, but I nixed that idea immediately. The memory care place has done an infinitely better job of caring for her than I ever could. I still worry about her a lot and have kept my life on hold, but at least we were able to leave town on short notice last week to deal with a crisis with one of our kids.

Your mom's situation is not going to improve, and it doesn't matter that you don't want to put her in a nursing home. You will simply be unable to care for her soon, because dementia doesn't kill people and she could go on a long, long time. (My mother is on Year 7 of dementia PLUS congestive heart failure.) Ultimately, you will likely have to put her in a nursing home, and then your career will be in tatters when you try to return to it. That's not a good plan for your future when Mom's no longer around.

Your marital status nor your place in the birth order do not require you to sacrifice your life. You have exactly the same responsibility to your mother as every one of your siblings has, and that's to ensure she's safe, fed, and cared for as best as possible. That doesn't always mean staying at home. The staff of a nursing home, especially a memory care, can do so much more than you could ever do alone, and that will add to your mom's quality of life -- and yours as well.

Tell your siblings that the current situation is untenable, and changes need to be made. Stand up for yourself, and don't let yourself feel guilty for deserving to have a life of your own, a job you like, and the satisfaction that comes with those things.

I don’t think that you should quit your job. It’s very hard watching a parent decline. You have cared for her for a long time. It is most likely best for you to look at placement. It may be fearful for you because you don’t know what to expect but you can start by speaking to a social worker to see what your options are.

You can still look after her by being her advocate in a facility. She isn’t going to improve but you don’t know how long you would be away from your job. You do have to look out for your own future needs too.

I don’t think your mom would want you to give up your job and jeopardize your future.

Wishing you peace during this difficult time in your life.

I took leaves of absences from my work to care for my dad and stepdad. However, it was definitely not a long term solution. The hands on caregiving will increase. The needs will become much greater and unpredictable in some ways. I would seriously consider finding a long term care facility for your mom. If you enjoy your work...it will truly help you cope with dealing with your mom’s aging and decline. These are just my own thoughts and may or may not be helpful to you. I understand the uncertainty.

These next ten years are your peak career years, and important to your future as well as your present. Don’t quit your career, even if you do seek a different job.

I don’t know where you are, but if you are in the US you can take FMLA, family medical leave (unpaid after you run out of paid sick time and vacation time) that protects your job. A month of that, or similar, might help you get some perspective on how you need to proceed.

Starting a new job is tremendously stressful, which is why I suspect you are reluctant to do so now. You have a lot of stress going on now, so it’s not the best time to do something major like that. Try for a break, not an ending.

Don't quit your job. You're exhausted for a good reason. Give yourself grace. You have every right to feel drained. I hear hopelessness in you and I'm so sorry. I would highly consider starting the process of finding assisted living or a nursing home for mom. You won't be able to care for her until the very end. Your mom might also need her assets (house / property) to fund care. Like what others have said, your mom wouldn't want you to give up your life for hers. You sound like a great daughter. A thought...isn't it also loving to put her into a home with professionals that can better care for her? Visit daily or weekly. Give her your utmost care and love when you visit, rather than pure exhaustion and frustration and possibly resentment.

I understand your not wanting to put mom in LTC, but saying that - placing your mom in an appropriate facility is NOT failure - and you will still be her caregiver by advocating that her needs are met and again being her loving daughter. Your mother is not going to get better, but devolve further into her dementia causing more stress and more exhaustion and more burnout.

Remember - someday you will be an elder and you need to plan for your future now. So I wouldn't quit my job - maybe when you are less stressed and less exhausted you can re-evaluate whether this is the job you want; then make plans for your future.

Placing your mom is not a decision you should make by yourself - even if you and one sister do all the caregiving. Call your siblings and tell them that you are exhausted - that it is time to place mom. See if you all can work on this together. When my MIL needed to go to AL all 3 of her sons and wives worked together - my husband and a SIL looked for the facilities and narrowed them down so the family could make the final selection. They then worked together to get MIL in the facility.

Good luck.

Dementia can go on for years. If you give up your job now, you might have a really difficult time getting back into employment after she's gone. No work experience for even about 6 months can make or break job offers. If you're talking years, "would you like fries with that" might be your job (actually, even those jobs would not be suitable, as you would be considered overqualified!)

"Seeing my mom decline, the pressure of my job, being a caregiver, fighting with my other siblings to be involved, doctors appointments, just made me unable to think clearly and miss on work/professional growth opportunities---i literally freeze every time I see a job application."

Your mom will continue to decline. There is nothing you can do to stop that. Staying in your job or quitting won't change it. Fact of life. Second fact is you NEED a job to pay for a place to live and food, minimally.

Job pressure is tough, but if you can resolve some of the other issues, it might give you more strength and fortitude to get back in the groove.

One thing mentioned IS going to drain you and WON'T change: fighting with the other siblings to get involved. You're fighting a losing battle. You can't make them do what they won't do willingly. You're using up energy and dragging yourself down with anger and/or resentment. Please put that on the shelf and forget about it. This isn't uncommon. Sad, but it happens. The BEST you can do is let it go.

"Is it time for me to resign? resigning means losing an income, but I feel I will walk out of my work with dignity rather than being that one under-performing worker."

Dignity is NOT going to keep a roof over your head or put food on the table. How can you possibly think you can care for your mother better if you have no income?

As to the care-giving - be sure to thank your one sibling who helps out. She needs your support as much as you need her to watch mom while you work. Just being the youngest and/or single and/or without children does NOT make one the ideal care-giver. Clearly the others are not cut out for it, as they refuse to help. Between you and your sister, you need to find an appropriate place for her.

That said, none of the links in your profile work, but I recall your screenname. One question - does mom speak English? I may be confusing your user name with another, as I only found these two recent postings doing a search:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/caregiver-regrets-am-i-wrong-for-asking-just-3-nights-a-week-to-sleep-466600.htm?orderby=recent

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-lovely-neighbors-and-my-dementia-mom-am-i-overthinking-this-467409.htm?orderby=recent

Based on those other postings, this isn't just about job pressure. You have a serious situation at home and although you took this on with the best of intentions after graduation, you are in WAY over your head.

If she only has dementia, you should find a place that does respite care. NOT a NH, but a care home or MC/AL. She may need medication to tone down the screaming (has she had UTI culture and blood work done? Has the doctor been consulted about her behavior and lack of sleep?) If you can find a place, sign her up for TWO weeks, minimum. A month if you can. When you've had time to sleep, and get focused, see how you feel. You can't think straight or make good decisions with no sleep/stressed.

Most people would rather not put their LOs in a "home", esp NH, but sometimes it's the best for both sides. They have expertise. They go home and rest overnight. They get weekends off. They get vacations. You are one person trying to hold down your career. You WILL need it and should NOT give it up.

If you absolutely refuse to put mom in a facility of any kind, then hire 24/7 help and go stay at the hotel you booked previously. You can't keep going on with this situation as is.

What's better, you end up seriously ill, unable to care for her at all, or her being in a safe place, with care and you can watch over her and visit?

First, what resources will you have for your own old age and retirement? Log into Social Security website and look at what you can expect to receive at age 70 if you quit now. What will you have to suppliment that amount?

Lots of feelings of loss & grief - as to be expected with you all now living with Mother's life-limiting diagnosis.

No-one can predict the future, but the known facts my help to make realistic plans. What is Mother's diagnose? What are the time frames?

Is this is a terminal situation? Or a living with an ongoing, worsening condition?

If terminal, is *end-of-life* likely within a short time frame (under 6 months)? If so, maybe you would want to quit (if you can afford to). To spend this time with her, fully focused on her needs & pick up your career later.

But if the situation is more likely to be longer term, it may be called *life-limiting*.

If so, care is required, then more care added, then maybe hospice support, then full-time nursing home care. Folk can stay in their home for differing times, depending on the illness, the care needs, the resources available.

Goals will change along this journey. A goal of *staying home* may change to *staying home as long as is possible*. A goal of *I will do the hands-on care* may need to change to *Myself + Aides will do the hands-on care*.

"I don't want to put mom in a nursing home".

It may be useful to shine a light on this statement & ask yourself the reasons WHY. Do that now.
Many carers become full-time carers, give up their careers, income, own housing & then face poverty & homelessness if the elder does need NH care. I admire their compassion & caring natures but the lack of a wider view or practical matters is a real hazzard.

It may be time to move your mother into a long-term care facility.

If you decide to quit your job, don't before you have a written agreement in place with your siblings about your financial support. That could include being paid out your mother's funds. But it should include both current monies, monies paid into a retirement fund.

It is highly likely, that if you go years unemployed, that you willhave difficult finding employment. Plan for that with your siblings before you make this life changing decision

Its your choice where your priorities and your NEEDS lie. Loving a loved one, and giving up one's life for them are different things - especially when they cease to recognise us. Can you get a period of respite for both you and your sister, and see if you can look at the problems from "the outside" whilst you are not under pressure.

Wondering if a home health companion for mom would help you during your working hours? Sounds like you are exhausted doing both jobs. Working could be a source of accomplishment, self fulfillment and socialization for you —and an outlet for you to grow and plan for your future. Full time caregiving brings its own set of problems. Take care of you properly so that you can take care of Mom. Don’t give up your life entirely if you can avoid it.

Absolutely do not quit. You will need the money for when you can't or don't want to work any longer.

When my mother declined I took a few months off under the Family Medical Leave Act. If you want to do that to get her affairs in order and to arrange for long-term care, I think that would be okay.

A nursing home would probably be best. When my 91-y.o. father in law arranged for in-home, 24-hour care for his wife who had Alzheimer's it was $20K a month. The caregivers mostly sat around looking at their cellphones or studying, if they were students. It was all-hands-on-deck when she had to go to the bathroom, and then back to the cell phones or studying. In a nursing home there might be some opportunities for socialization and I think the staff would be better equipped to handle incontinence issues, but that's just my guess.

Also, you can get her on Medicaid in a nursing home. Maryland only allows Medicaid in nursing homes, not home care. Do research on it online and you may need to contact an elder care attorney to arrange for her asset protection. If you don't do asset-protection and Medicaid, and you continue to work, as you should, long-term care will be really expensive.

It’s time for professional help. Get some counseling, take advantage of your EAP at work, and look to place your mom in a facility. I had to go on antidepressants for a period of time until I got back to my baseline functioning. No shame in that. I was experiencing high levels of depression and anxiety due to my role as a caregiver.

I recently moved my mother from AL to a nursing home and it was the best decision I made. The nursing home has really managed her care better than any other option I tried.

If you resign from your job, you will have a gap in employment and income. You need to insure that you are saving for your own retirement and future. You need to be able to enjoy your life. You say you love your field and work for a great agency. Don’t use this situation as an excuse to fail. Resigning from your job won’t help your mood long term or make your mother’s care easier. You need to plan for a life beyond your role as a caregiver. Resigning won’t make it easier to re-enter your career in the future. Your mother will only continue to decline. Set strong boundaries. Therapy can help you do that.

You are so young for this journey with your mom. I’m sorry. I hate to see you quit your job. I retired at 62 way before I wanted to, but the stress was too much. Are there other options you could try first? Like getting help watching your mom, changing positions at work to a less stressful job, going to part time work temporarily, moving Mom to assisted living. At 37, how will you be able to love without income? Best wishes

I would first ask if I could work part time before quiting.

But if you can afford to quit work and you and your mom get enough income in to pay the bills then that would be an option.
BUT, it is Very Very Very hard being a 24 7 Caregiver which you will become once you quit work.

At least going to work is an out for you right now, I think you should do whatever is best for you.
If you don't care fir yourself, no one will.
Start with working Part Time if that's not possible then change jobs.

Also, sign up at a gym and start working out, you will feel better once you loose the weight that all the stress has brought.

Prayers

The fact that you love your work is an important consideration, and is a reason to keep working. If you had said you hated your job, that would have been an additional factor on the other side of the equation. However, here are a few questions, from a financial perspective, that need to be considered:

1) Are you already at a point at which you are independently wealthy or close to it? If not quite, are you at least at a point at which a fairly minimal source of income (either from your mother and/or from siblings) would enable you to maintain your current financial position?

2) If the answer to #1 is no or "not quite" then does your mother have sufficient financial resources such that if/when she had to go into a nursing home, she could afford to do so, and her financial resources would outlast, let's say, at least a decade (or at least what is a reasonable prognosis for her condition) such that there would be a substantial inheritance (even after division among siblings)? Do you know your mother's financial situation, and has anything ever been discussed about what assets she has or what she intends to do with them? If so, do you, your mother, and siblings get along well enough that this situation is not likely to change?

3) You are single without children at age 37. Are you hoping to get married and/or hoping to have children, or do you plan to remain as you are? If you plan to stay as you are, your own financial needs are somewhat more predictable (assuming, of course, that you remain healthy and independent for a long time).

4) What is your housing situation? Depending upon your lifestyle and desires, this could have considerable impact when considering various options.

Hello, I too am a working caregiver. I am single, only 63, I enjoy my job and, I am a home owner with no interest in retiring. Mom is 87, has Alzheimer's and has been living with me for the last 4 years. Have you looked into home aide services? Before the pandemic, I used home care aides. A good option but very expensive for the full time hours I needed them while I work in office. But they can come in for a few hours if not needed for full day. For over a year now, my company has most of the workforce working from home. I have been blessed to set a routine to combine work and attending to Mom. She is comfortable watching TV in her room during her "relax" hours. Check your local area for organizations that assist caregivers with financial aid they call Respite aide and are funded by annual govt grants. They can also assist other ways as needed. Perhaps you have type of job that can allow you to work from home. My work computer set up on my dining room table includes computer, 3 monitors, keyboard, mouse and, headphones. Oh, I am on anti depressents to as my Dr said help "take the edge off". I never knew how many others were taking them until I started. They help a great deal. You can also check talking with a therapist. Your employee insurance should cover it. I hope any of these suggestions help you. God bless you.

It’s time to place your mother. It’s the only logical option for someone your age and in your situation. You will regret quitting later.

I took care of my mom for 15 years, and the last 5 of those years demanded 24/7 care. Luckily I have a very understanding employer and let me work 4 hours a week and my best friend watched her while I was gone.

If you think you feel you are "losing it" now, being a full-time caregiver is ten times the stress. When my mom died, I had no sense of identity because every moment I had to care for mom so do that for YEARS and YEARS it depersonalizes and you no longer are your own, but a caregiver. Mom was 100% dependent on me including her insulin, changing diapers (about 7 times a day), and every Tues, Thursday and Sundays were bowel movement days. I had to induce bowel movements or she would get impacted -- what that means the stool is so hard and round it is like a baseball stuck in there and nothing can come out so it is an emergency room visit to disimpact her. That is why I kept a strict bowel schedule. Feeding tube in the end. She lasted 90 years, 3 months. Alzheimer's did not kill her--but the complications of diabetes and kidney and liver diseases. Mom died comfortably, without discomfort in her own home...at sacrifice to myself. At 60 years old I am forced to "start over".

You need to find out what kind of dementia she has. Lewy body is much more aggressive. You should plan on nursing home placement and get her Medicaid ready which means a visit to an eldercare attorney. With Lewy body, she won't last long. And get prepaid funeral arrangements. Estate planning.

JOBS ARE HARD TO GET. Don't blow it. Keep your job, but you may want to take a leave of absence under the Federal Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) to get things sorted out and organize estate planning, prepaid funeral/cremation, or if you cannot afford a funeral/cremation have her body donated to science which is 100% free including cremation, transportation and death certificate.
There are many services that do that, such as https://www.sciencecare.com

I hope your family helps you with these arrangements instead of leaving it all up to you.

When she dies, the money will cut off. Instantly. But the bills never stop. If you quit you will greatly regret it later.

I hope this helps

Hello Bint,
I have been taking care of my mother for almost 22 years and I did leave my job to care for her. It is a 24/7 job and it is exhausting at times, especially when I do not get enough sleep. Not taking real good care of myself, grabbing quick foods that are not the healthiest and stress from other family members plus all the other stress that goes along with caregiving caused me a serious health problem, but I am well now and making wiser choices, taking time for myself. I am glad you have support from your sister. It will get harder and get more stressful as your mom declines. I have help for the last 14 years of which I am very grateful. If I had to do over I would make sure I had long term disability insurance. I had it at the time I was young and healthy but cancelled.. Hire outside help. I did and had a very good high school student that was reasonable. I also hired a housekeeping service for 7 years. I got on a Foster Care program about 6 years ago to help with the expenses. I will be collecting soon my SS. I worked since I was 15 years old and my pension and SS limited. I would advice working at least part time or try to get a home based job if you want to care for your mom. I know many people who are working from home and make a good salary. You need some time for yourself, I would make sure you take some time for yourself to regroup. Maybe your sister can stay with your mom for a few days per week. You are extremely fortunate to have such a wonderful sister to help out. Have a family meeting and discuss future plans for your mom. I know both you and your sister want to keep your mom home and take care of her so I will not advice on other options. I have no regrets, but would plan better. It will be a long road ahead for all of you. It can work with help if you plan well. I wish you the very best.

Caregiving is a 24/7 job. It's almost impossible to be a caregiver and work at your best, full-time.

If you love your job, don't quit. Instead find a great care facility or in-home caregiver for your mother.

Keep in mind that your mother is only going to get worse, not better. And, the caregiving is only going to get harder. It is better to find a facility now, than when things really go downhill.

Keep your job.

I think you are too young to give up your career days for caretaking of your mom. Yes - hopefully some day we will all need nursing home care. 3 nurses @ 8 hour shifts. Plus supplies. You need to have your life, and she needs to have hers. Sounds like she is ready for that second nurse to come into her life. Days - while you are at work . And nights so you can sleep. That still leaves an 8 hour shift that you are doing after work before the night shift comes in.
9-5 work - mom needs help
5-9 you ?
9-5 overnight
Mom is lucky to have so much love around her - taking her into the future.

My dear soul - you see the writing on the wall but you don't want to read the words. You have succeeded so much in your life and your job - how many would love to have what you have achieved. Now due to your mother's mental illness, you are about to lose it all and for what. You cannot fix her, it is what it is and it will get worse. You can't eat your cake and have it too. I firmly believe and this is a perfect example - when the situation around you, like those with dementia and the burdens you must now carry, affect YOUR life and future, then YOU must decide. Do you want to be destroyed and lose it all and end up on the bottom of the heap or will you do something sensible and face the fact that this is YOUR time to live and YOU must come first. You either must get a full time caretaker for your mother or place her somewhere. There is no other choice. It is hard but you will regret it more if you don't care for yourself first. Don't wait - do it now.

Don't quit but DO think ahead and plan now. If you "retire" you will be so far behind when you try to return back to the workforce that it would be a thousand times more challenging for you, if not impossible. Taking family leave time is a great idea, but only if you use the time to set your mother up financially and medically. That would entail having a good elder care attorney to prepare a durable Power of Attorney, Will/Trust, Healthcare Proxy, and any other processes needed to protect her assets financially. This is essential. Have your sister go with you so she can help with decisions. Next step would be to apply for in-home care. You can pay privately - but if mom's not rolling in dough - it will most likely drain ALL her funds as the years wear on. So while you're at the lawyers, be sure to talk about setting Mom up for Community Medicaid. Once you've taken these steps, get back to work and allow yourself to enjoy life - you are way too young to sit home as a 24 hour caretaker. Your heart's in the right place, but take it from experienced and older caretakers on this site, don't cut your life short by taking on this endless and stressful and emotionally draining job by yourself. Living a happy and productive life will be the best thing you do for yourself as well as your mom, because you will be able to give her the best parts of you. I wish you many blessings.