My father is gone. Mom is 90 as mentioned above. I don't see brother or sister or talk. See my mom 2-3 times a year if that. I am 68 retired, don't have a lot but live comfortably. Want to go to Alaska. Mom is in good health just doesn't know any of us.
Essentially, it all comes down to priorities - what compels you?
If you are 'expected' to be there, then this is a red flag for coercion and guilt complex; if you have any deeper personal feelings, then the value to yourself increases proportionately.
The long term effects of denying your feelings could outlast the trip away.
It's not about the departed, the bereaved, or family obligation - just you, and how you reconcile your emotions.
I went away for 6 weeks to take care of grandchildren when my daughter expected to be incapacitated. Mom is 94 with dementia. I spoke to brother and sister before leaving, and made it clear that rapid international travel would not be possible in an emergency (it took me 4 days to get there). The funeral home has all of the instructions. If Mom passed, they were to take care of her appropriately, and not wait for me to return. That would mean that I would miss her funeral, but I decided it would be more respectful of Mom to inter her and not wait for what could be weeks.
If you are responsible for making Mom's arrangements, do it before you go. Make sure your siblings are on top of things. (Most of) our parents want us to live our best lives, so do it.
if you want to go on your trip, then do so. We can’t plan our lives around all the what if's in the world. And by the way, your life isn’t guaranteed either. None of us know what tomorrow will bring. Covid has proven that if nothing else.
My father died while I was on vacation. I was overseas and got an email that he'd suddenly become ill 2 days after I left and was terminal. By the time I reached someone at home, he had died. No way I could have gotten home in time, and no way my father would have wanted me to try. My consolation was that he had visited me a couple of months before we left (we lived some distance apart) and photos were taken. Those photos took on new meaning when I look at them now and I have NO REGRETS about taking the vacation -- death comes when it comes -- live your life.
If it would bother you to miss the funeral, arrange to have it when you return from Alaska.
Say goodbye early? Yes.
As long as in your heart you are ok with that & don't expect to go down the guilt road later.
I was given a blessing many years ago to go, live my life, goodbye if I am gone by the time you return. I was blessed to see her smiling face when I returned - but was grateful for the permission.
That same wise lady stopped visiting folk once they lost recognition. She let common sense rule.
Get travel insurance just in case and go on the trip. Funerals are for the living and a funeral can wait until you get back.
When I face these kinds of decisions, I think of what I would tell my own children. I would tell my children to go on the trip and have fun. I would not ask them to put their lives on hold for an unknown number of years.
Make your plans. It could work either way. You don't make them and she doesn't pass, You make them and she passes. See her before your trip and tell her goodbye then. Like said, Funerals are for the living. I grieved for my Mom long before her funeral, she suffered from Dementia.
I will tell you in 2019, my husband and I went on an Alaskan cruise for our 25th anniversary; my mom, who lived with us was declining due to CHF. She (willingly) went into respite while we were away. When I was fretting about possibly cancelling our trip because of her health, she looked at me like I had 12 heads and said "don't be ridiculous! Go on your cruise!". So we went and had a wonderful time, and mom was well looked after in the respite facility. The only thing I did was take out some extra travel insurance, in case she took a turn for the worse and we had to cancel last minute.
Honestly, unless your mom in the active dying phase, I think you should go. There are no certainties in life. You never really know if the last time you see your loved on is going to be the absolute last time you ever see them. My husband has had relatives die suddenly, with no real warning. You can't live - or not live, as were the case - your life based on "what ifs". That's not fair of anyone to expect of any of us. Go, enjoy the trip. If you feel the guilt might get to you, make plans to see mom soon after you get back.
I despise everything about funerals and funeral customs. I think they’re nonsense.
The last family funeral I attended was for someone whom I dearly loved who had wanted no funeral or at least something very VERY simple, with a closed casket.
The opposite occurred. It was Hollywood. I was appalled. BE YOU.
I'm not sure why you'd want to "say goodbye before I leave," though. Will you be very much surprised if she's still with us when you get back from your expensive vacation?
You don’t say how imminent her ending might be - my mom (same age as yours) has been telling me she’s going any day, certainly in the next couple weeks, for ten years now. She also knew someone who cut short an expensive trip, paid a fortune to fly home, when that person’s mother passed away unexpectedly. My mother thought that was stupid as they couldn’t do anything for her as she was dead. But my mom is more practical than sentimental. She would rather someone came to see her when she was still alive. Make your choice for you and for her and be at peace with it.
Granny started to decline and on Boxing Day was admitted to hospital She was in the ICU and because she was dying, family were allowed to visit.
This was in December 1992, the internet and email barely existed.
There was an uprising in India and Mum and SD decided it was safer for them to return to Canada early. Mum left a message on the house phone, I was at the hospital, no cell phones for us back then either.
So Mum was returning home, but did not know Granny was in ICU.
We managed to arrange to get Mum on a connecting flight back home and she saw her Mum 5 hours before she died. If Mum had stayed in India, she would have been at peace with that too.
Mum's sister lived on the other side of Canada. She decided not to come during Granny's last days, but to come later for the funeral. That was OK too.
So the answer is you have to continue to live your life and feel comfortable with your choices.
No one can decide this for you, this is a completely solo decision. You will be the one that has to live with it for the remainder of your life, regardless of what anyone else thinks, does or says.
Enjoy your trip to Alaska!
When my DH & I travel, we always purchase travel insurance so if need be, we can either cancel the trip or cut it short for an emergency & get reimbursed for the cost.
Good luck to you, whatever you choose to do, and have fun in Alaska!