My father is gone. Mom is 90 as mentioned above. I don't see brother or sister or talk. See my mom 2-3 times a year if that. I am 68 retired, don't have a lot but live comfortably. Want to go to Alaska. Mom is in good health just doesn't know any of us.
When my DH & I travel, we always purchase travel insurance so if need be, we can either cancel the trip or cut it short for an emergency & get reimbursed for the cost.
Good luck to you, whatever you choose to do, and have fun in Alaska!
No one can decide this for you, this is a completely solo decision. You will be the one that has to live with it for the remainder of your life, regardless of what anyone else thinks, does or says.
Enjoy your trip to Alaska!
Granny started to decline and on Boxing Day was admitted to hospital She was in the ICU and because she was dying, family were allowed to visit.
This was in December 1992, the internet and email barely existed.
There was an uprising in India and Mum and SD decided it was safer for them to return to Canada early. Mum left a message on the house phone, I was at the hospital, no cell phones for us back then either.
So Mum was returning home, but did not know Granny was in ICU.
We managed to arrange to get Mum on a connecting flight back home and she saw her Mum 5 hours before she died. If Mum had stayed in India, she would have been at peace with that too.
Mum's sister lived on the other side of Canada. She decided not to come during Granny's last days, but to come later for the funeral. That was OK too.
So the answer is you have to continue to live your life and feel comfortable with your choices.
You don’t say how imminent her ending might be - my mom (same age as yours) has been telling me she’s going any day, certainly in the next couple weeks, for ten years now. She also knew someone who cut short an expensive trip, paid a fortune to fly home, when that person’s mother passed away unexpectedly. My mother thought that was stupid as they couldn’t do anything for her as she was dead. But my mom is more practical than sentimental. She would rather someone came to see her when she was still alive. Make your choice for you and for her and be at peace with it.
I'm not sure why you'd want to "say goodbye before I leave," though. Will you be very much surprised if she's still with us when you get back from your expensive vacation?
I despise everything about funerals and funeral customs. I think they’re nonsense.
The last family funeral I attended was for someone whom I dearly loved who had wanted no funeral or at least something very VERY simple, with a closed casket.
The opposite occurred. It was Hollywood. I was appalled. BE YOU.
I will tell you in 2019, my husband and I went on an Alaskan cruise for our 25th anniversary; my mom, who lived with us was declining due to CHF. She (willingly) went into respite while we were away. When I was fretting about possibly cancelling our trip because of her health, she looked at me like I had 12 heads and said "don't be ridiculous! Go on your cruise!". So we went and had a wonderful time, and mom was well looked after in the respite facility. The only thing I did was take out some extra travel insurance, in case she took a turn for the worse and we had to cancel last minute.
Honestly, unless your mom in the active dying phase, I think you should go. There are no certainties in life. You never really know if the last time you see your loved on is going to be the absolute last time you ever see them. My husband has had relatives die suddenly, with no real warning. You can't live - or not live, as were the case - your life based on "what ifs". That's not fair of anyone to expect of any of us. Go, enjoy the trip. If you feel the guilt might get to you, make plans to see mom soon after you get back.
Make your plans. It could work either way. You don't make them and she doesn't pass, You make them and she passes. See her before your trip and tell her goodbye then. Like said, Funerals are for the living. I grieved for my Mom long before her funeral, she suffered from Dementia.
Get travel insurance just in case and go on the trip. Funerals are for the living and a funeral can wait until you get back.
When I face these kinds of decisions, I think of what I would tell my own children. I would tell my children to go on the trip and have fun. I would not ask them to put their lives on hold for an unknown number of years.
Say goodbye early? Yes.
As long as in your heart you are ok with that & don't expect to go down the guilt road later.
I was given a blessing many years ago to go, live my life, goodbye if I am gone by the time you return. I was blessed to see her smiling face when I returned - but was grateful for the permission.
That same wise lady stopped visiting folk once they lost recognition. She let common sense rule.
If it would bother you to miss the funeral, arrange to have it when you return from Alaska.
My father died while I was on vacation. I was overseas and got an email that he'd suddenly become ill 2 days after I left and was terminal. By the time I reached someone at home, he had died. No way I could have gotten home in time, and no way my father would have wanted me to try. My consolation was that he had visited me a couple of months before we left (we lived some distance apart) and photos were taken. Those photos took on new meaning when I look at them now and I have NO REGRETS about taking the vacation -- death comes when it comes -- live your life.
if you want to go on your trip, then do so. We can’t plan our lives around all the what if's in the world. And by the way, your life isn’t guaranteed either. None of us know what tomorrow will bring. Covid has proven that if nothing else.
I went away for 6 weeks to take care of grandchildren when my daughter expected to be incapacitated. Mom is 94 with dementia. I spoke to brother and sister before leaving, and made it clear that rapid international travel would not be possible in an emergency (it took me 4 days to get there). The funeral home has all of the instructions. If Mom passed, they were to take care of her appropriately, and not wait for me to return. That would mean that I would miss her funeral, but I decided it would be more respectful of Mom to inter her and not wait for what could be weeks.
If you are responsible for making Mom's arrangements, do it before you go. Make sure your siblings are on top of things. (Most of) our parents want us to live our best lives, so do it.
Essentially, it all comes down to priorities - what compels you?
If you are 'expected' to be there, then this is a red flag for coercion and guilt complex; if you have any deeper personal feelings, then the value to yourself increases proportionately.
The long term effects of denying your feelings could outlast the trip away.
It's not about the departed, the bereaved, or family obligation - just you, and how you reconcile your emotions.
I tell you all of this to explain that if I was in your place, I would go after doing whatever you think you should do for your Mom in case she does die while you're gone (see her, hug her, bring her a favorite food). In the end, you must make the decision that is best for yourself so when you look in the mirror you are ok with yourself. Hugs.
Who knows when one will pass- she could live another few yrs.You could have in place with the funeral home to have your Mom cremated & have a service with your siblings when you return from your trip!
Just my thoughts!
Whatever you decide that you will have peace with is your choice, nobody else's.
I feel.people should visit, send cards and flowers while a person is alive and can enjoy it instead of doing it when their dead and no nothing.
If one or the other parent dies, you are really going back out of Respect and to console the other living parent.
But, if neither parent knows you or their spouse, then they wouldn't miss you not being there.
Of course you might here talk about how awful you are for not showing up but if talk doesn't bother you then that's nothing to worry about.
I would say if your choice is seeing them before they die or after the by all means see your loved ones before they die.
Who knows, they may not die while your on vacation and then you can see them before and after you go.
When my maternal grandmother was “close” to death but still coherent, my mother and I flew 500 miles to see her and say our goodbyes. It was, of course bitter sweet. My grandmother was a very important person in my life.
I have zero regrets in doing this. It was well worth all the time, energy and effort involved. Even though we did not see her for lengthy periods of time it helped give mom and I closure when grandmother passed.
I am from a close-knit family. Our mom passed away on the first day of summer vacation for my grandchildren. Neither of my sisters was able to be there when she died because her final decline was so quick, but both had been able to visit since Covid restrictions eased, and after my mom was on hospice.
Everyone had vacations planned. We delayed the funeral on purpose until my sister took her vacation. Because of that, everyone was able to attend. We would not have delayed it for my mom's grandchildren, but would not have been upset if they decided to go on a long-planned vacation instead of the funeral.
Because of my mom's age and condition, there were few mourners at the funeral, but I figure there must have been quite a party up in heaven.