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I am not sure how to best deal with the saying goodbye thing.


One time I said I am going to my Alzheimer's parent. They became a bit distressed and said ok lets go then and tried to follow me out the door. A number of times. Was quite stressful.


So I have started to say I am going to the bathroom, then I go to the bathroom and then sneak off. But this I feel bad about doing. I hope that they don't remember I was meant to be coming back, but I don't know whether or not for sure. I'm worried that they might be upset that I don't go back. But their upset for me saying I'm going could be worse. So I am just not quite sure what to do.


What's the best way to approach this issue?

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You can't spend your entire life worrying about whether you upset someone or not. You are not doing anything wrong, you do have the right to decide when and how you will leave. Don't over think this, just do what is right for you.
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I always timed my visits to be an hour or so before lunch or dinner. The residents went to the dining room to eat, so I would take my mom there, get her situated at her table and if her other table mates weren't there yet, I'd sit with her until they arrived. As soon as they sat down, she was usually distracted enough for me to say goodbye and leave.
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My mother understands having an "appointment" with someone else. So if she wants to leave with me, I tell her I need to work or have a doctor's appointment
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I did what tired did. My daughter would tell Mom she had to go to work. Mom would say OK.
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I’m so sorry that you feel badly about saying goodbye. Since she doesn’t get upset about you having to use the restroom and it is less upsetting to you then I wouldn’t be too concerned.

You could try saying what others have posted, such as having an appointment or going to work.

Best wishes to you.
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Make sure your parent is comfortable and has something to occupy his/her attention, such as a mealtime or a tv programme or best of all someone else to talk to.

Say goodbye in your own mind by giving parent a hug or a kiss or a pat on the shoulder, whatever comes naturally, and then slip out of the room. If your parent notices your going, you can say that you're going to the bathroom (this is fine! and you ARE so it's even true!), or you can say "don't worry, I'll be back [on Sunday/tomorrow/very soon]" and keep going.

The crucial thing is to appear to take it for granted that your parent is staying there, at home, which is what it is now, and you are going but you will very soon be back. If you're not stressed or sad, s/he is less likely to be.
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Have you tried giving her a doll to look after and maybe a small blanket to wrap it in. She might not feel so lost if she has something to look after.
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I don't think you should feel bad about this. Its harder having them being upset that you are leaving, than "sneaking" out. I unfortunately, have to do this with my Mom most of the time. In fact, there are times when she is involved in a activity that I just talk to the aide or nurse and go home. When she sees me she always thinks we are going somewhere. Its much harder on me than it is on her in the long run. You need to tell yourself you are leaving him in a safe place, were he is happy and cared for.
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Bless your heart! It is so hard to leave when our loved one is so very weary and afraid upon our departure. Unfortunately, I use to become so apprehensive about spending time with my mom because I knew when I had to leave she would become adamant that she was leaving too. She was so afraid! She would want to go home (although she was already in her home). I wish I had solutions but this disease is a roller coaster, what might work one minute may not the next. Everyone is different so finding what works can be difficult. Perhaps a non verbal goodbye-hug, kiss, hand holding, etc &/or maybe a distraction like a snack, music, tv, magazine, photos. Sometimes simply telling my mom I had to go pick up my daughter and that I would be back worked. Also, having someone else come visit (replace me) was a huge help!
My mom no longer ask to go home nor does she become afraid when I have to leave-bittersweet for sure. May God bless you, your family and your situation. Best wishes!
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If leaving to go to the bathroom works, keep going and try not to feel bad...it's all a game of figuring out what works for each person...other alternatives are if there is enough staff to get one of them to be a distraction. With the dementia won't she soon forget anyhow?
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Stay a little longer. Talk to her some more. Tell her that you'll be back soon and set a date. In my case, I went almost everyday when she was in rehab. The separation anxiety is greatly reduced because she knows you'll be back. Even if she has dementia, she will remember things that are done repetitively and reinforced.
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ArtistDaughter Feb 2020
This is true for my mom. I always tell her I'll be back tomorrow, even if I can't be back the very next day. She'll forget, so no harm done in the lie. When I start walking out the door, she asks what time I'll be back tomorrow. She actually has no idea of time anymore, but it somehow comforts her to have me give her an exact time. Then she might say, "call me when you get home", especially if it's snowing or raining. Her mothering instincts are still intact, even though she no longer knows how to answer the phone. I say "Okay" and leave. In the moment she has something to look forward to and since she only lives in the present now, I don't see there is anything wrong for me to do whatever I can to help her in each and every moment.
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It's so hard! My husband is in assisted living and when I need to leave I ask one of the caregivers to take him for a walk and I just go. It works and the caregivers tell me that it is a really easy way for all of us.
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When I would leave my father with the caretaker I would tell him that I needed to go do some errands and I would be back later while visited with his caretaker. This worked for us fairly well with little to no anxiety on his part.
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I feel for you as I go through this every week. I've decided I will bring my dad for a visit to my house every Sunday that way he can't tell me can I go home with you when the other caretaker comes in. I also scolded him in front of my mother-in-law who is also at a assisted living facility and I think that maybe he finally got it as he wasn't too upset when I left him with caregiver yesterday. I was sneaking out before and it became that he wouldn't take a nap anymore so I could do so. I always felt like a crumb when I left. Yesterday was the first time after the scolding that I didn't feel as bad leaving him. Guilt trips are so bad for our own health! I simply told him when I left that I would be back on Tuesday and that My sister would be there first thing in the morning. I told him I loved him and left. I don't like to lie as that also bears badly on my mind. Today was the first time in a very long time that my blood sugar was 100. I have pre-diabetes so that is a very good number. I have to relate this to leaving with him not being so upset. Please take care of yourself! You are a very important and loving person in your parent's life! God bless you!
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Here is what I do with my husband. I say “I am going to the drug store, do you need anything?” (He always says no, but if he said yes you could say you will get it for him.) If he wants to come with me, I say he doesn’t need to bother to come, it’s just a quick trip and I will be back soon. Then I go. It is very unlikely he will remember. My husband always says “it’s been so long” when I arrive to see him, but he would say that no matter how long it has been!
The wife of my husband’s roommate once helped me greatly by telling me that when you come to see your loved one, you are entering the dementia world for a bit, then when you leave you go back to the “real” world. The patient is in a different world and you are just visiting.
Also this stage of my husband where he wanted to always go with me only lasted a few months. Now his disease has progressed a bit more and he really doesn’t want to come with me anymore. Sad, but a relief in a way.
The whole process is sad, but all you can do is your best! My best wishes to you.
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My sister in law with Alzheimer's doesn't want to see her husband leave for work, but he tells her he must make money. Very horrific illness.
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Hard as it is to "fib" to make your exit, it is one of the alternatives that many of us use. Generally it works, and the person doesn't remember. In the early stages of dementia they might, but short term memory is usually (not always, depends on the type of dementia) what is lost first, so they do forget quickly. Our mother's first signs were repeating herself, questions, requests, statements, multiple times within very short periods of time (minutes!)

Other alternatives include ensuring the person is occupied/distracted (meals, snacks, activities) before you try to leave. IF they are distracted, don't say your goodbye, or give hug/kiss at that point. It is also hard if this is how you always parted in the past, but it will only reorient them to you leaving and cause the issue again. Give your hugs and kisses during your visit, not at the time you plan to leave.

Staff can sometimes be used to distract the person, if any are currently available to help. Mentioning appts, bathroom, work or what have you for excuse to leave might work, but it might not - they could still insist on joining you or ask for you to drop them off somewhere of their choosing! If that happens, defer their request with "later" or "after" you do your business, no real time frame given, Usually their sense of date/time are not in sync with reality. The one time my mother asked me to drop her off at her mother's on my way home, I glanced at my watch, said it was a little late in the day and not on my way home, so maybe tomorrow? Her reply was OK. (Note: her mother has been gone at least 40 years now!) She then promptly asked if I had a key to their house (previously owned over 25 years ago) - checked my lanyard, said no, maybe at home, I will check. Again, okay was the reply along with 'If I had a key I would go stay there tonight!' Not sure the current owners would appreciate that!

I am also one who prefers not to lie, but lies to hurt someone vs fibs to avoid hurting or upsetting someone are NOT the same. We do this to keep our LOs calm, not to hurt them.
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Same happens to me. We tell mom that we have to go back to work and there is no heat there. She is better where she is. I Never tell her goodbye just that I will see her again. I never tell her when I will see her again. We have her go to the bathroom and then the caregivers take over and we leave.

She doesn't always remember that we were there. It works for us. She is happy where she is now.
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When I visited my mom in early afternoon and left before 3:30-4, she was fine. But if I stayed one minute past 4:30ish, she would be sad and sometimes even snarky but mostly sad -- who will take care of me -- you could spend the night but you probably didn't bring you nightgown -- I'm sure we could find a place for you to sleep -- and things like that.

Sometimes I would tell her my ride was waiting (and that was true) and she would ask if that person could also give her a ride home. She really hated that nursing home.

I told her my brother and I had to leave soon before the fog was really bad, and she got that. She told the CNA several minutes later, while we were still standing there -- my kids are leaving now so they can get home before the fog sets in. She got it. She even elaborated on the dangers of driving in fog.

I told her I had to leave now because the bus (Dial-A-Ride) doesn't run after 5 -- well, you better leave then because you don't want to miss it -- she got it.

Another time I was there the physical therapist came to take her to therapy -- a perfect transition for us both. He stood in front of her to help her into her wheelchair and I was behind her then, mouthing to the therapist that I'm leaving now. She caught a glimpse of me peripherally and said to the therapist -- oh, and now my daughter is here. So in that little span of a few minutes she was distracted by the therapist that "her daughter" was even there. I made my leave as soon as I was behind her again and they were on their way to therapy.

My mom could sense that I was getting ready to leave before I actually said anything, like when I would put things in my cart that I dragged around -- my notebook, etc. -- It looks like you're getting ready to leave.

Sometimes she would say things that were actually cues to me that I SHOULD leave. Cues that said she wanted to be alone. That she wanted to nap, or just close her eyes.

So, there are many ways to say good-bye. I think distraction with staff is the best. It's all about paying attention to what is going on, on that particular day.
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