My mother has been living with my younger sister for 16 years and just found out they have been robbing her checking and her savings is gone.
I love and trusted my sister and her husband but found out they have stolen all of my mothers money for the past 16 years, except for a trust account which has me and my sister's name on it. But she has stolen way more than her half. She also has a credit card in my mothers name that is maxed out. Charged vacations. computers, gas, haircuts etc... to the tune of $14,000. and was paying the minimum every month from my mothers checking account.
She is in a home since Aug and I hired her elder care lawyer to get her on medicaid, she just got approved. But from Aug till January the bill is $53, 000. and the home is trying to get me to pay half. Over the course of the 16 years I calculate my sister took over $300,000. dollars and doesn't admit to any of it.
I see this as credit card fraud and elder financial abuse.
I'm out of work and need some legal help here.
One other thing is my mother has no clue what's been done to her.
Do i tell her?
31 Answers
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I hope your mom was happy and well cared for during the many years she lived with your sister. Maybe there is more you can share regarding the financial situation, but give this some serious thought before you end a relationship with your sister. Ask yourself if your mom was happy and examine what you did to help your mom during those same years.
I'm sorry for your unhappiness at this time. Take care. Cattails.
As to the NH wanting you and Sis to each be responsible for half the initial costs -- of course they'd like that. But if you have not signed something taking responsibility, you are not responsible. They can try to guilt you into it, but they have no legal basis for it. Next time they contact you ask them to fax or mail you a copy of the contract you signed agreeing to be responsible.
Talk to the lawyer about all of these issues.
Sis was guilty of poor judgement about not having a care contract, and not separating Mother's accounts from hers. But few of us non-lawyers would think of these things when family is concerned. Bob, truthfully, would you have thought to do those things? If so, why didn't you give your sister some guidance?
But poor judgement and lack of knowledge is not the same as evil intent or fraud.
How much of your mother's money did you think was going to be spent, over 16 years time? Of the $300,000 that was spent, how much do you think did not go directly to her needs? Food, shelter, hair appointments, dentist visits, her vacations, someone to stay with her when your sister was away, incontinent supplies if that is applicable, perhaps some safety upgrades like grab bars, medicines, doctor visits, dinner out and other entertainments, clothes, shoes, makeup, bed linens, towels, laundry, transportation to visit friends, maybe a few lottery tickets and magazines and crossword books and other simple passtimes, and perhaps painting and redecorating a room over that length of time. Estimate what percent of that $16,750 a year were direct costs for your mother. Now consider the amount that was spent over and above what you estimate to have been directly for Mom. Is that amount excessive compensation for your sister devoting a huge chunk of her life to caring for Mom? Is it an amount you are willing to severe ties over? Call in the FBI? Reward all your sister's efforts with legal trouble?
You got a bargain you could not have matched if Mother's care had landed solely on you and you had to either bring in care or place her in a care center.
I can understand your horror and dismay to see that money gone. Like your sister about the legal aspects of setting up accounts, you are probably not familiar with what caregiving entails. But if you like you can quickly educate yourself about what caregivers face by browsing and reading posts on this forum.
And incidentally, if you did manage to get some of that $300,000 back, it would all go to the NH, as Medicaid spenddown.
Do talk to your lawyer. And then decide what your goals and priorities are.
My hope for you is that your family rifts can heal.
(And don't pay the NH unless you agreed in writing to do so!)
Cattails.
Sounds as if you have been left in the dark a bit. If your sister was taking care of your mother, that doesn't mean she could just take things unless your mother approved. That is just stealing.
And in most states you are not responsible for your parent's nursing home bill. There is a law called the filial law in some states where they will try to collect. But I am sure it is from those with wealthy children and large estates.
Let us know more, this is interesting. Good luck
Until mom dies-- it is all moms......
You can not divide an unknown by 2 and get a number... you still get an unknown. Who am I? A math teacher.
This is what I see. Mom got a regular check and had some savings. The daughters are fortunate that the family formed a trust to shelter some assets. The trust is untouched. The mother ate and enjoyed life while living in sisters house. The mother and daughter had a life together that was no one but mom's business. Getting old is not cheap. Now the money that was lose in the saving is gone and the regular income is not quite adequete to cover the costs of the higher level of care that mom is getting, so the family has hired a lawyer to help them apply for tax money to pay for mom's care.
They have successfully achieved that goal and mom's bills forever after are not their care, we tax payers will be paying that bill through social security and medicare. The trust is intact so now they have a numerator for their fraction and they can divide by two. They have two outstanding bills. The nursing home and the credit card. They can go to a lawyer or arbitration to settle who pays each of those expenses. Or actually since they are all in mom's name and she has been declared a ward of the state they will be expunged. So roll with it however you want.
I want to point out that "we taxpayers" included Mother and probably Father for many, many years. Mother is not benefitting from something she never helped pay for.
I like the line in the Descendents "We want to give the kids enough money that they can do something good, not so much that they can do nothing"
I've never been in a position where my parents had anything to leave. I've taken care of them for 7 years this October. My mom has passed away and my dad had a major stroke this past July and now lives under our roof and needs 24/7 care.
It's often a question of normal for each individual. What they have acquired, how they live, how they spend. Having a parent in your home for 16 years has got to be a sacrifice and I can see how two households become one. You see that too.
I think the trust should go to mom's continuing care via taxpayers. Seems fair, but what do I know.
Nearly all the discussion and fights that happens to folks on this site come from people who are angry that their parent's nest egg is only enough to take care of the parents and not an inheritance as they had hoped for. Functional families try to figure out how to share the work and care in a way that the resources go as far a possible. My brothers realize that I am losing pension and salary for doing this work. We are depositing money into my retirement even though I am on leave from my job so I do not get too far behind. Luckily for me my kids are getting old enough that they have begun to share some of the babysitting aspect of the care so it is actually currently getting a little better for me. I have negotiated with my brothers that they can get paid the same wage they would have picked up watching the neighbors kids.
The key is we must keep talking and saying what we feel and worry about.
My grandpa remarried for the third time and took his new bride on $100,000 worth of vacations. The nshe did $100,000 worth of remodeling of her home, and finally, she paid for her granddaughter college. I know the bitter feeling of someone spending the money you thought would come to you. It is a bitter pill. But it is their choice. At that time I realized I did not want to travel with grandpa, or wash his clothes or make his dinner, and I certainly did not want him living in our home... so I understood when my mom said, just consider how well Lillian loved and cared for Grandpa and let it go.
It is natual that dysfunctional families are disproportionately represented on forums such as this one. Functional families are often moving forward under their own power and may not think of reaching out to a community of strangers. But I assure you, their are people from well-functioning families on here, and in our culture.