My mother has been living with my younger sister for 16 years and just found out they have been robbing her checking and her savings is gone.

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My mother has been living with my younger sister for 16 years and just found out they have been robbing her checking and her savings is gone.

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I love and trusted my sister and her husband but found out they have stolen all of my mothers money for the past 16 years, except for a trust account which has me and my sister's name on it. But she has stolen way more than her half. She also has a credit card in my mothers name that is maxed out. Charged vacations. computers, gas, haircuts etc... to the tune of $14,000. and was paying the minimum every month from my mothers checking account.
She is in a home since Aug and I hired her elder care lawyer to get her on medicaid, she just got approved. But from Aug till January the bill is $53, 000. and the home is trying to get me to pay half. Over the course of the 16 years I calculate my sister took over $300,000. dollars and doesn't admit to any of it.
I see this as credit card fraud and elder financial abuse.
I'm out of work and need some legal help here.
One other thing is my mother has no clue what's been done to her.
Do i tell her?

Elder Abuse

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Did you expect your sister to carry the load alone for 16 years with no compensation? It is too bad there wasn't a contract for care drawn up at the beginning so that nobody would be surprised. And it is too bad that mother's expenses weren't clearly separated from other expenses. But think carefully through the matter of letting this ruin a formerly loving relationship. You will have your sister in your life longer than you'll have your mother. "Stolen" is a pretty harsh word. The fact that Mom qualified for Medicaid must mean that the review board didn't regard the money your sister used as inappropriate gifts, at least in the last 5 years. Where else could your mother live for $360 a week, all expenses and care included?

As to the NH wanting you and Sis to each be responsible for half the initial costs -- of course they'd like that. But if you have not signed something taking responsibility, you are not responsible. They can try to guilt you into it, but they have no legal basis for it. Next time they contact you ask them to fax or mail you a copy of the contract you signed agreeing to be responsible.

Talk to the lawyer about all of these issues.

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My sisters accuse me of that and my mother has only been with me 6 years. My mother only had $35,000.00 total, it has cost me every year out of my pocket and my mother lives with me and is very healthy except for her memory. Do some serious looking into what the true cost of taking care of someone for that long. Doctors, dentist, clothing, food,shelter, utilities, diapers, pads, laundry,and sitters just to name a few. I will be honest I would have felt like you because I did not truly understand what was all involved. Don't be upset be thankful she has done things you will never truly understand. Be caring and supportive sister.

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Who has Power of Atty? Also, have you done the math? $300,000 would not last but about 4 years in an assisted living situation. Was your mother happy, safe, comfortable during these years with your sister? Did your mother ever live with you for an extended amount of time? If you are out of work and have no money, you can claim it is a hardship to pay the nursing home. It will work out. I don't know if I consider what your sister did "robbing". I would like to hear her side of the story.

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Bob: If your sis and her hubby had your mom living with them for 16 years, the first thing that pops into my mind is "Wow, that's a long time". Also, Medicaid has a 5 year look back period and yet your mom was just approved. There would be penalties if Medicaid felt your mom's funds were used to benefit your sister.

I hope your mom was happy and well cared for during the many years she lived with your sister. Maybe there is more you can share regarding the financial situation, but give this some serious thought before you end a relationship with your sister. Ask yourself if your mom was happy and examine what you did to help your mom during those same years.

I'm sorry for your unhappiness at this time. Take care. Cattails.

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I must ask where you were during these 16 years? It's not easy or cheap to care for a loved one 24/7. If your mom had been in a nursing home all these years it would have been even more expensive. Who put your mom in the nursing home & who has POA? Don't tell your mom anything of this, why upset her? I say let it go. Use your energy to concentrate on your mom's health & happiness.

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"except for a trust account which has me and my sister's name on it. But she has stolen way more than her half."

Until mom dies-- it is all moms......

You can not divide an unknown by 2 and get a number... you still get an unknown. Who am I? A math teacher.

This is what I see. Mom got a regular check and had some savings. The daughters are fortunate that the family formed a trust to shelter some assets. The trust is untouched. The mother ate and enjoyed life while living in sisters house. The mother and daughter had a life together that was no one but mom's business. Getting old is not cheap. Now the money that was lose in the saving is gone and the regular income is not quite adequete to cover the costs of the higher level of care that mom is getting, so the family has hired a lawyer to help them apply for tax money to pay for mom's care.

They have successfully achieved that goal and mom's bills forever after are not their care, we tax payers will be paying that bill through social security and medicare. The trust is intact so now they have a numerator for their fraction and they can divide by two. They have two outstanding bills. The nursing home and the credit card. They can go to a lawyer or arbitration to settle who pays each of those expenses. Or actually since they are all in mom's name and she has been declared a ward of the state they will be expunged. So roll with it however you want.

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I understand why you would think the way you do about the situation. Unfortunately, taking care of a parent isn't about getting a big financial windfall. If that were the case your sister wouldn't have lasted as long as she did which was for the entire time that your mom needed the care. Your sis did you a favor. Parents don't deserve to be in nursing homes unless there is no alternative. They should be used only as a last resort. Your mom was a fortunate soul that she had a child who was able and willing to step in. I think that sometimes it is difficult to put ourselves in someone else's position. My mother lives with my husband and I and we never take any of her money for anything., BUT and it's a big BUT, my husband makes a decent living and if we can do this for her then we want to, but none of my siblings offer any kind of financial help, in fact they act like we are stealing her money when we aren't. They walk around our house and look at our valuables like our mother bought everything we own (she bought none of it by the way), spread gossip that is meant to get back to us, and just generally allow their feelings of sibling rivalry color their opinions. Hour for hour your sister did alot of work. I get no time to myself unless my mother is napping. I have dreams of being a writer which I have had to put on hold for only God knows how long. I get tired and depressed from not having the loving support of my siblings. Try to see the situation as if you were her. She probably saved your mother's estate tons of money and providing for your mother was what you both needed to do. The sis is on her own now though. Don't make it a battle...it's not worth it...and it may not be the right thing to do.

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If someone (besides me) were taking care of my husband as he is now for 16 years, they would have spend $416,000 in drugs alone. (I did that for over a year and then got him qualified for Medicaid.) Bob, you haven't told us anything about your mother's health or her special needs or why she needed to live with someone. I assume that Sis acknowledges that the money has been spent, but is not "admitting" she stole it. Is that the case?

Sis was guilty of poor judgement about not having a care contract, and not separating Mother's accounts from hers. But few of us non-lawyers would think of these things when family is concerned. Bob, truthfully, would you have thought to do those things? If so, why didn't you give your sister some guidance?

But poor judgement and lack of knowledge is not the same as evil intent or fraud.

How much of your mother's money did you think was going to be spent, over 16 years time? Of the $300,000 that was spent, how much do you think did not go directly to her needs? Food, shelter, hair appointments, dentist visits, her vacations, someone to stay with her when your sister was away, incontinent supplies if that is applicable, perhaps some safety upgrades like grab bars, medicines, doctor visits, dinner out and other entertainments, clothes, shoes, makeup, bed linens, towels, laundry, transportation to visit friends, maybe a few lottery tickets and magazines and crossword books and other simple passtimes, and perhaps painting and redecorating a room over that length of time. Estimate what percent of that $16,750 a year were direct costs for your mother. Now consider the amount that was spent over and above what you estimate to have been directly for Mom. Is that amount excessive compensation for your sister devoting a huge chunk of her life to caring for Mom? Is it an amount you are willing to severe ties over? Call in the FBI? Reward all your sister's efforts with legal trouble?

You got a bargain you could not have matched if Mother's care had landed solely on you and you had to either bring in care or place her in a care center.

I can understand your horror and dismay to see that money gone. Like your sister about the legal aspects of setting up accounts, you are probably not familiar with what caregiving entails. But if you like you can quickly educate yourself about what caregivers face by browsing and reading posts on this forum.

And incidentally, if you did manage to get some of that $300,000 back, it would all go to the NH, as Medicaid spenddown.

Do talk to your lawyer. And then decide what your goals and priorities are.

My hope for you is that your family rifts can heal.

(And don't pay the NH unless you agreed in writing to do so!)

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A friend' mother had a major stroke about 5 years ago. She now lives with a Granddaughter who provides 24 hour care. All the woman has is her social security, but my friend and her husband made the comment, "Yeah, I'm sure they use her social security." Now, my friend and her husband are retired and have a very nice retirement income, well over $100,000.00 per year. And they are complaining that her mother might spend some of her SS in the household that provides 24 hour care for her. WTF is wrong with some people?

Cattails.

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Have you done the math? Considering the cost of assisted living and nursing homes, your mother's money would not have lasted that long...maybe 4 or 5 years. Was your mother happy during that time? Was she comfortable and safe? How do you expect a care giver to care for someone without spending their money to care for them. Some of this amount could be considered a gift from your mother to

My mother has been living with my younger sister for 16 years and just found out they have been robbing her checking and her savings is gone.

31 Answers

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