With Mom in MC and Dad in AL, there is a crisis every week. I have breast cancer and will have surgery soon. What about my health? My life?

You need to pull back. You cannot continue to worry about every little thing. A tylenol won't kill Mom. And the fact is that your parents are of an age that if one passes at some point soon no one will write the obit that starts "He (she) was SOOOOO young".
You should express your fears for yourself to family pulled together for a meeting, and you should tell them you are "stepping back" now. You should consider hiring a Licensed Professional Fiduciary to pay bills and work on things. Use their money to do this. You can even choose to resign your POA and tell family you will pass care to the State if none of them want to step up.
You understand your obligation is to yourself now, I hope. Only you can make these changes. See a Professional Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice a few times to give up the habitual control over things that cannot be controlled any long, but CAN destroy you.
I wish you the best. I am more than 35 years out from breast cancer that had spread to the nodes. You CAN do this.

I’m sorry that you are struggling with this situation. It’s stressful caring for our parents. Maybe you should consider taking a break for awhile.

Can you elaborate a bit more please? Your mom is in memory care. Aren’t they doing the bulk of the hands on caregiving? What exactly is your mom dependent on you for?

Why is your dad giving your mom Tylenol and supplements? Is she in pain? Where is dad living?

Your siblings have made their decisions about this situation. All that you can do is accept their position. What do you expect them to do?

In regards to not being involved in your mom’s care. This is your prerogative if you choose not to have this responsibility.

What alternatives have you considered? Would you be willing to hire someone to handle what you are doing for your parents?

Do you have to visit every weekend?

You sound exhausted and stressed. Have you thought about speaking with a therapist to help gain a new perspective on your situation?

Best wishes to you and your family.

Your dad and sister have made it clear that they don't give a damn about you. I am sorry you had to learn about who they really are with your cancer diagnosis.

Knowing this if i were you I would stop all assistance to dad. Tell dad and sister you have to focus on you and beating this cancer so dad will have to help himself or sister will have to step up and help both dad and mom.

Now if sister refuses to step up then please keep in mind mom us being taken care of in memory care. Dad is obviously capable of helping himself for the most part with assistance - thus the name assisted living and the reason he is there. Let him utilize the staff for what he needs and your sister for the rest.

Now the question is are you going to be able to back off and take care of yourself? I can guarantee you if you die your dad and sister would find a way. Let them find that way now and walk away.

Sorry your dad and sister are selfish and cold human beings.

MamaBearlyThere, keeping my fingers crossed that your breast cancer surgery goes smoothly.

Been there, done that, have the t-shirt. The surgery was the easiest part, Recovery was difficult. You will be exhausted for a few weeks, if not longer. Have brain fog for a month or so. I had to have rehab to gain mobility in my arm on the side of the surgery. Rehab was well worth it.

Therefore, let the senior living facility take care of any drama, that is what your parents are paying them to do. If your parents or the senior facility call you, just say "I cannot possibly do that". In fact, practice that over and over until it becomes comfortable to say.

You need a major "time out". You are NOT on-call for a duration of time. In fact, let the senior facility know you won't be available, give them a name of one of your siblings.

I'm curious what sort of "obligation" you think you're under to your parents.

Your obligation right now is to yourself to get well which means putting everything else aside.

Call the facility tomorrow; talk to the social worker and tell them that you are off duty for the next 6 months, possibly longer. There are plenty of folks in AL and Memory Care who have no one.

This is what you can do. Seems like Dad is OK. He needs to step up to the plate. If Mom falls, he goes to the hospital. Can he make decisions for Mom, then let him. If not, your a phone call away.
You speak to the Nurse at the AL and tell her you are going in for surgery and will need to recuperate with no stress. That Dad will be on his own. Unless an emergency that she feels he cannot handle, please do not call you. Give her the day of surgery and how long you will be in the hospital. Give her the closest sibling's phone#

Then you need to call Dad and tell him calls will have to stop. He will have to solve his own problems because you will be in the hospital and don't know when u will be discharged. Then u will be home recuperating and you do not need the stress of him calling you. Actually, you will not be answering ur phone. Then tell ur siblings the same thing, you will not be available. If Dad has a crisis one of them will need to handle it.

Your siblings need to realize how serious this is. That you may need chemo and radiation so you will not be able to do for your parents. That you need no stress during this. You need to concentrate on you.

Your parents are safe where they are. Its time for siblings to step up to the plate. And if they don't...you have one s****y family.

Boundries, u don't pick up calls from Dad. The whole reason they are where they are is so you don't need to be there for them 24/7. All you should be doing is visiting when you can and bringing them what they need. Dad has to rely on the staff.

Your health and life are your priorities. Inform your family you will be stepping back to take care of your own health. No compromises.

I wish you well.

Any possibility that dad would be willing to move into MC and help "take care" of mom? He could still come and go as he would like from the MC part of the facility. (this way they could also control what he is giving her.)
Tell your sisters that you are going to make them the "First Call" for the duration of your Surgery, recovery and any follow up treatment that is needed. That way they can put out the fires, they can get a taste of what it is like to be on the "front line" And you can take care of your health as that is your priority at this point.

Mama, if your dad doesn't have dementia, then he is mentally ill or cognitively impaired in some meaningful way, or both.

The social worker should arrange an assessment so that his needs can be met as well.

You have NO obligation to them in reality, just in his distorted thinking.

I have read some of your responses to us below, Mama, and I am now truly worried about you, and about some of your thinking about all of this.
In response to someone asking why you are obligated to abusive parents, you said it was because your father blames you for things. If you truly feel that you are obligated because your father blames you for things, I would suggest you seek counseling for yourself, Mama.
Another dreadful decision is you and your husband paying for these parents. If you are paying their bills, what about your own needs in old age?
You need help now, I am thinking. It is time to seek the guidance and advice of an elder law attorney. I think that you and your husband need to consider your own lives and to resign POA for ungrateful parents. Sorry, blood is not enough thicker than water to cause all this.
It is also time for you to consider counseling for yourself with a psychologist or a licensed social worker in private practice as a counselor to learn healthy ways to break old habits, old ways of thinking that clearly are not working now and never did work for you. You have new challenges to meet and your life may depend upon them.
I wish you and hubby the very very best moving forward.

MamaBear

This has to be very shocking news for you and your DH regarding the cancer. I am very sorry.

It is hard for elders to not be affected by change and change you can count on regardless of your own health.

Dementia or no. I would expect your dad to act out as he has a mental disorder of some type. I wouldn’t be telling him too many details. He is like a mischievous child who thinks he is getting something over on the establishment. Unfortunately, as the POA, you fall into that category.

Look for someone to run things for you while you tend to your health. Of course, using the parents funds.

You have protected the parents and your sibs from the pitfalls of old age and elder care when no one else was willing to. Like most of us, you didn’t know the price you would pay nor have a crystal ball to warn you that it is all too much.

I wouldn’t waste time with the sibs if they are not stepping up already. You don’t have time to deal with folks who don’t want the job.

Give yourself a promotion. Do as Alva suggested and find someone to pay the bills, provide the supplies and run them to the doctor. If there is a facility doctor you might do that for the interim. See what services the ALF has to offer that perhaps you weren’t utilizing before.

Use the resources that are available. This way you are prepared for the duration. The bases are covered. If the siblings start visiting. Great. I just wouldn’t want to be worrying about whether they actually would.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

Family caregivers so often seem plagued with IRRATIONAL guilt ! The following words were copied from this site, since I found them extremely comforting.

“Guilt is for felons and evil doers. It infers that you CAUSED this and you are for your own evil purposes keeping it going.
The word that pertains for you is Grief.
Grief understands that there is no answer to many things, that not everything can be fixed, and that some things must just be endured.
Endurance doesn't mean you give up your own life on an altar to others. It means that you will have to learn to build your own life despite the grief you feel for others.”

copied from;
~Alva Dear, on Aging and Caregiving site. Feb 2023. About Misplaced GUILT !

I posted earlier but I wish to add that I would feel extremely fortunate if I were in your shoes and my mom was already placed in memory care.

Mom is being cared for by a professional staff! You CAN step away. What on earth is stopping you from taking care of YOUR needs?

I did hands on care in my home. That’s more confining than having a parent in a facility. Let them do all of the heavy lifting. That’s what they are being paid for, isn’t it?

Wishing you all the best. Take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place.

You DO NOT have to “problem-solve weekly.” What are you paying these facilities for, anyway? Let them handle it. Back away, back away. I can’t believe the people who post here that they (or, I hope, their parents) are shelling out obscene amounts for managed care, then still feel they have to get all involved and show up all the time. If you aren’t getting your money’s worth, well, your fault. Make the Golden Harvest Rainbow Sunshine Rest Haven do its damn job! Sheesh…

I have finally learned to let the facility handle these issues. My health must come first. The more we handle problems the less they handle. I am letting them earn the $5000 a month. And I have my brother now doing doctor appointments and more visits. Other family members need be involved and we need to pull back. Always tough let go of control. Good luck. Take care of yourself..

I’m sorry you have received a frightening diagnosis. Now is the time to put your treatment and recovery on the front burner.

You identify as your parent’s “go-to” person, but with one parent in MC and the other not inappropriately living in AL, recognize that you do not have to act as their “primary caregiver.”

Step back from these self-imposed duties or no one else will step up. Listen to the pilot and take care of your own emergency situation before assisting others.

You can’t control your siblings or your Dad’s behaviors and be glad you aren’t expected to.

I know you are fraught with worry, but a need for concern will increase and persist throughout their lifetime.

Let some of this stress go in favor of concentrating on your own healing.

The answer is just as you have stated "I have my own family that needs me"!

Contact your siblings and tell them exactly that, pick one to be the contact from the home and let it be.

Time to use a complete the sentence, "No" .

Believe it or not you can be done with being the "Go To", the ball is in your court, the next move is yours make it the right one for you and your family.

I used to take vacations out of the country and offline. I could handle the bills when I got back. In your case, this would not be an issue. I had a couple of cousins that I could count on who could step in to make medical decisions if something happened. They were given instructions on DNR status and not to feel guilty about it. If one of the sibs can help you then great.
As part of the process, I would send a notarized paper to the facility indicating the emergency contact. You can tell dad of your plan and remind him not to bother the contact about moving out.
If mom goes to the ER and needs a ride home, the sibling lives far away, then the sibling can tell staff that she would need a medical transport back.

I am curious as to what your therapist has advised you to do.

Well, you certainly explained your situation vividly.

Take a deep breath and be ready to set some boundaries with everyone you mentioned in your report.

Start with your siblings and have a group meeting with the theme being "Why Me". and then delve in to the fact that you too have a life and can use a lot of help. Tell them that you are pre-occupied with happenings in your life too and can use the help. And why do their lives matter more tthan yours?

Dads's not going to be of any assistance (sounds like) and you don't need his kind of help. You should strongly consider turning your dad in to the floor managers at the MC....he's going to cause some physical problems for poor Mom. Have them threaten to ban him or at the least - withstand a "frisking" when he visits. By the way, your Dad probably doesn't even know how insensitive his response to your cancer diagnosis was.

You are killing yourself and could use a friend to help you....anyone at work of neighbor that you might "lean-on" for some compasionate help? You got a lot on yhour plate and even having a social worker listen to you would probably help a lot.

Dementia is the worst of the worst as it does harm those that care and try to comfort. But you got strength and again, could use a local friend to share your challenges with.

Good luck and I hope you can turfn things areound to your advantage, health and well being.
G

By the way, who's paying for the MC? That may have something to be leveraged if need be.
G

Your mother is in MC for a reason. MC needs to more closely supervise what your father brings into the unit. It is not your place to argue with your father about your mother's needing to be placed where she is. Her (their?) Doctor can tell your father that is way it has to be.
Don't rely on your father for sympathy for your own health or scheduling issues. Is the facility calling on you to solve "emergencies?" Someone is paying the facility for your parents' care. The facility needs to solve care and safety problems. They may not much spend time trying to convince your father that your mother is where she needs to be. Any time or attention you or your siblings offer in addition is an "extra.". You are only " on call" b/c you continue to answer.

My heart goes out to you. I know exactly what you are going through with your breast cancer diagnosis. My daughter was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and she had the treatments and the surgery. The expanders were placed, and she will be going back into surgery in a few months to have the breast implants placed. Her diagnosis was a harrowing experience for our entire family, but through prayers she is doing well.

In order for you to overcome this cancer, you need to put yourself and your diagnosis first over anyone else. Your mother is in MC and your father is in AL, so they have people keeping watch over them and taking care of them; this is one thing less that you should worry about. Get your family and your siblings to help out with visits to your parents in order for you to focus on your cancer treatments and surgery. You can do it, but you need to stop stressing about your parents and focus on your health and doing everything to overcome the cancer. Make sure you keep all of your doctors’ appointments and follow their instructions, eat healthy, avoid smoking, do yoga, and exercise by simply walking a few times a week.

You will get through this, but you need to focus on your health at this time. Prayers for your successful treatments and surgery, and for your speedy recovery.

If your mom MC and your dad also had AL, and you too had breast cancer you couldn’t help, please all you need to do is look for care companies and speak to them, if they can provide you carer who can take care over them, and go for your treatment. 
Matilda

Maybe your father thinks he can be your other's lone caregiver b/c he expects AL to assist with more than AL can do. He may also need to feel he is capable of taking care of his own wife. Being told he "cannot," must be crushing to his self-esteem.

POA doesn’t make you responsible or require you to do anything it enables you to, you and only you “require” yourself to take on responsibility. That is not to say there is anything wrong with taking any of that on, most if not all of us here have done the same. It’s a fine and hard balance because we take on what we do from mowing the lawn and making dinner, managing the bills and medical appointments to doing the hands on caregiving, out of love and generosity. Love for them as well as for ourselves, I get pleasure from doing things for my mom not just helping her but from taking care of the things she can’t in the way I either know she likes it or is best for her, it’s similar to the joy I get out of giving someone a gift. This doesn’t mean I’m always enjoying it all not feeling burned out or questioning why I am spending all of this time and energy on hold dealing with bureaucracy or cleaning urine soaked bedding, I don’t love any of it but I do love her. I have learned now to pace myself a bit better though, it’s impossible to do everything and do it well and becomes thankless trying to do that at the total detriment to my own life and happiness. There are some things that I have to keep up with but for the most part those happen no matter what and largely take care of themselves so when she gets really difficult with me and basically won’t acknowledge me for a while I stop putting in the extra effort and am reminded to put myself and my family in the forefront. Each time I do this I feel less guilt about it, relax about doing it because I know I only have so much control over her happiness anyway. Now I also have the benefit of siblings who are very involved as well and happy to let me take that “time off”.

I don’t believe your father doesn’t care about what you are and are about to go through, I think he just isn’t able to empathize the way he once was, it’s probably the same reason he isn’t accepting of his wife’s diagnosis and what this actually means, I believe it’s the same sort of driver that makes elders become so self involved. I would guess he also has some undiagnosed dementia going on along with the fact that as we become less able (physical or mental) our world gets smaller and our tunnel vision grows until it’s a matter of survival that all we can see is what affects us not the world around us.

Your father must have gone along with the plan to sell their house and make this facility their new home, maybe not excitedly but he saw the writing on the wall. Now that his world has become smaller he needs to blame someone, you, for the decision rather than take the responsibility himself but all he is doing is solidifying this was the rite decision. You could look at it as proving everyone rite. You are the scape goat because it’s safe, in his soul he knows you are always going to take care of them and you have. You have accepted this job because you know they trust you. Stepping back while you take care of yourself isn’t leaving them, you can still supervise knowing they are in the best hands possible when you let the facility know they will have more of the burden and your siblings can take the responsibility for putting out fires and visiting more, if they don’t that’s on them, you still have both parents safe and cared for even if it might not be what they are used to with you.

You can’t however expect others to step up if you don’t tell them what you need. It’s scary, they might say no but it has to be done. A family meeting sounds like a great idea, in fact if you can do this with the facility even better. Don’t give up POA just appoint someone your representative while your not available and someone in charge of updating everyone, parents too on you and how you are doing. Teach them how to be you even if it takes several people collectively to do what you do, it will and then when you are better maybe it won’t all go back to falling on you. Start your journey with as much peace as possible, stay strong.

I believe the breast cancer is there to slow you down and give you a chance to get your parents placed so that you can rest. Knowing they're cared for is a good start to your healing process. Please consider respite placements until you're ready to make a change.

Contact an Elder Law Attorney.


https://www.komen.org/support-resources/support/support-groups/

Your parents are placed in Memory Care (Mom), and AL (Dad), just to be clear.

Remove yourself from the person to contact in an emergency and replace with your sisters. Just stop altogether now.

Allow the care facilities to take care of your parents. Have them explain things to your Dad. Have them monitor your Dad (when he visits Memory Care) with Tylenol and supplements.

Can Dad be moved into MC with Mom?

Take a year off to recover from surgery and the healing necessary to survive the breast cancer diagnosis. You come first, you really do.

Your parents are in a facility so there is no real need for you to handle every crisis. Inform the facilities that you are having some health issues so you will need to step back a bit and if they need family assistance give them all your siblings phone numbers. Email all your siblings and tell them that due to your current health issues you are taking a 6 month break from being the point person for your parents. In 6 months, you will revisit your ability to retake that duty.

You can't really set boundaries with people who will never understand where the line has been drawn in the sand. Talk to your siblings and be very frank with them. For now you need them to participate and assume the duty of being on call for their daily phone calls or needs. You said you visit weekly and call during the week. If your treatment is not too harsh, you can still do those things...possibly. Don't visit in person if immune system will be compromised with chemo or radiation.

The other issues that come up, I assume, come in the form of phone calls. Your siblings can handle those calls from anywhere. Once you turn it over to them during your healing, don't interfere or it will all land back on your own plate.