i am a newbie to all this, but it looks like I am about to have my mother somewhere nearby. Her doctor has not diagnosed her with anything, but my brother has been caring for her and when she visited me last year, it was clear that she has many, many of the signs of dementia. Recently, even her doctor acknoweldged real trouble when her bloodwork indicated her meds are really out of whack. SO, she will be coming here, one way or another, and I don't have a clue where to begin. My husband says that she can't come here unless she goes to some kind of assisted living, but my mother absolutely refuses.
I could rent her a small home near where I live, but I have to be honest--there is no way I can stop in daily, or spend most/all of my weekends with her, both logistically (my job involves lots of travel) and emotionally --I'm one of those that loves her, but doesn't like her.
So, I guess I would like some feedback as to how do I know what is the right choice for her? How do I know what my own limits are?
How do I know I will survive this!!!
You will not know what your own limits are until you are faced with them. I have personally found that my limits in this situation are quite a bit farther out than in other situations dealing with the same aspects of personality/life. This has been a nice surprise and a welcome relief. I am grateful for the loving relationship I have with my mom because I think that is what extends my limits without effort. So far, I really haven't met a brick wall too high to climb over or too long to go around.
May the same be true for you!
As far as what will be the best situation...you have three people's wishes and desires and even sort of demands to deal with...to try to make it so that all three of you are happy and not sorry later or resentful soon is a monumental task.
But I am sure you can do it. The thing is...all three will have to compromise. No one is probably going to get the picture perfect image they have in their mind and heart. No one is going to be completely happy *at first* but I think with communication, patience, and open-mindedness, you can find a solution that will enable everyone to be happy not long after its settled. The main thing is listening to everyone and realizing that what each of you wants might not be possible but that everyone is equally important in this situation and involving your mom and husband in your decisions and even, if possible, making the decisions as a group so that no one feels disregarded or less than important in the situation.
You've all three got to live with whatever you decide so don't be rushed and don't let outsiders try to pressure you no matter what happens. Read up all you can so that you are informed and can inform the others so that you all make the best decision, together, that you can!
And good luck!
You WILL survive because there is no other option!!!
LIFE GOES ON.
So shall ye.
My name is Tom and I own a home care agency in Scottsdale, AZ, Integrity Nursing Services, Inc. I have been running corporate home care companies since 1979, so I have worked with many people who face your situation. First, do not allow yourself to feel responsible or guilty for your mother's declining health. All you can do is assure that she has access to good health care and find a safe place for her. Your first step is to call her doctor and tell him what is going to happen. Hear for yourself what her current condition is and what you can expect to happen over the next twelve months. Also, have copies of her medical records sent to you as soon as possible. Obviously, his professional opinion will assist you in making the right choice for your mom. He may also be able to recommend a physician for her in your community. Make sure you know what type of health insurance she has. Is she on Medicare? Has she opted out of Medicare and gone with a different provider ie. Humana, United etc. If you don't already know, find out her financial situation. My mother, as an example, lived on social security and therefore qualified for an apartment in a HUD subsidized building where her rent was based not only on her income but also took into account the expense for medications etc. Many communities have these type of apartment buildings that are actually designed for seniors and might be referred to as Senior Apartments or some term like that. They are nice because the residents have a lot in common and tend to establish strong bonds. The building where my mother lived arranged various activities, none of which she participated in but that was her nature! I would also advise you to call your local Hospice Organization and seek some advice from them. Hospice is a great organization and is no longer just an "end of life" provider and as my company does, serves as a community resource.
I hope this will give you a place to start and I would be more than happy to provide additional information as you venture forward. As much as we love our parents you have to remember that in life we are an adult once and a child twice! You and your husband have a life and cannot let your mother distract you from building your future.
Tom