Five years ago when my dad was well but obviously unable to keep up with the house after my mom passed, my husband and I asked if my dad wanted to move in with us in our newly built home with his own "quarters" (bedroom, den and bathroom). He said "yes." Gradually we noticed that Dad started forgetting things and getting confused often. He would drive off on his own and forget how to get home. We would have to go find him, or someone would call from his phone saying he was disoriented. Now, he doesn't remember anything, not even to shower or change his clothes. My husband passed away a few months ago, so I'm the only one to "watch" him. I can't leave him alone because he leaves everything unlocked, leaves the stove burner on, tried to put metal in the microwave. I'm afraid he will blow up my house. He is unstable on his feet and could fall easily. I need to attend Grief Share meetings for the loss of my husband and I'm having a hard time getting my sisters to take care of Dad for the two-hours each week. They only live blocks away. One sister says it is my responsibility since I offered to have Dad live with me five years ago. They are always ready with an excuse why they can't help with Dad. I'm not well myself and I'm afraid soon I will need help myself. I just need to vent because I feel it is just so selfish and sad that my siblings are acting this way.
Your sister has no interest in supporting you through loss of your husband because - I don't know how to put it - she thinks you brought this on yourself?
Wow.
I don't think selfish quite covers it. I think I'd say vicious.
But never mind her, you have more important things to give your time and attention to, so I should look for support elsewhere and leave your sisters to themselves. Have you tried your Area Agency on Aging for advice about caregivers' resources?
I'm very sorry for your loss. Five months is no time at all. Please do feel free to vent, you're definitely among friends here.
If dad has any money now is the time to get assistance for him and you.
Your sisters have shown you their true colors at the worst time possible. Believe them and grieve the loss of your sisters as well as your husband.
Hire a caregiver and start taking care of you. Hopefully dad has lots of money and you can use every penny to ensure you are both cared for.
Hugs!
I attended Grief Share meetings after my Mom died in September 2018, but I found that I had some unresolved issues of anger that I needed to take care before I could benefit fully from the Grief Share meetings so I dropped out after 6 meetings. I plan to attend the meetings again next year.
Your sister refuses to "babysit" her Dad so that you can go to the Grief Share meetings? Does she come to your house to visit her Dad at all? Or has she handed over ALL responsibility--including loving her Dad--to you alone? How sad for your Dad, for you and for your sister. Apparently there is some history between you and your sister that is getting in the way of her willingness to visit or babysit "HER DAD".
Contact the local Area Agency on Aging for assistance with finding additional caregivers and home health aides. Have the AAA do a "Needs Assessment" of your Dad.
Your Dad's behavior is getting dangerous for both of you. Although you might not want to consider it, it might be time for your dad to live in a long term care facility or Memory Care unit since he is getting so forgetful and doing activities that can cause fires, etc. and cannot be left alone anymore.
I wish my sisters would be more understanding and compassionate. However, it is all about "them" and what they are going through. Life is about giving and sacrificing. It is difficult and takes a lot of love. We had such a beautiful mother who gave so much and sacrificed all the time for others. You'd think they would want to emulate her. It's not just me...they have problems with others as well.
Since your family has decided you are the scratching post it is up to you to disengage from them and their ignorance.
Get to an attorney NOW.
Take control.
News flash.....your siblings are living their lives and letting you deal with it!!!!
I know!!!!
Going through exactly the same!!!
My best advice. No sugar coat from all previous answers.
It is what it is. Wake up.
Unfortunately, her father seems incompetent and what is an attorney supposed to do? He probably cannot understand and sign for a durable power of attorney.
The POAs have all his daughters, equally, listed. I know I have to do what is best for Dad and what is best for me. I hate to see him lose his freedom. I have a beautiful yard and scenery which he loves to sit outside and enjoy. Those times are okay. It's when he realizes something is wrong with him that he gets frustrated and angry. There are a lot of safety issues and potentially hazardous situations that could have been disastrous if I hadn't caught them in time. That is why he can't be left alone anymore. I need "sitter" when I need to go to Grief Share meetings, doctor appointments, etc. I have a lot of emotional and physical issues I'm dealing with myself. It would be nice to have help.
I agree it's important to work on a better care plan for Dad. I agree that doing that is the OP's responsibility. Does that make it fair enough that the sisters are completely unmoved by her bereavement and unwilling to offer her a shadow of support at this time?
I think "buck up" is a bit harsh, in the circumstances.
I don't know the dynamics of your family, but would it be possible to call a family gathering/meeting with your sisters? Perhaps you could sit down civilly and all explain your various perspectives and you could ask for more support?
I know some families are capable of civil discourse. Some.
{{{hugs}}} to you
Hope you find some relief soon. So sorry you are dealing with this alone.
I agree that it's time for your father to live in a facility and not in your home. I think the lack of support from your sisters is almost the least of your problems. The fact that you are living with a person who is dangerous and emotionally abusive to you and that you're in a particularly fragile condition having just suffered the loss of your husband, that's the core issue. It's time to move him out. Please take care of yourself. You matter too.
They haven’t walked in my shoes.
Life teaches us.
My grandmother went to a nursing home with her mother in the late 1970’s.
I asked my Aunt, did you take her in?
She told me 2 weeks was all she could stand.
So, in 2019, who takes care of ageing parents?
Assisted living?
To the tune of no less than $3600/month.
Siblings who ignore, not their problem, blame game you.....” You took him in, this is your problem???????”
Take comfort in we all answer to a higher power when HE decides we leave this Earth.
I am not a religious fanatic, but I am certain we have to answer for all decisions we made.
Did we do our best, did we give as much of us as possible, were we kind?
You should be able to rest your body every single night for the rest of your life, if you did your best.
I know my conscience.
That is all that matters.
God knows the rest.
Is there short term emergency respite you can access for Dad? Eg if you broke your leg, where would he go?
If he is safely looked after (in short term immediate care) you can start to breathe, get more advice & start to plan.
While it appears very selfish of your sisters, I was wondering if maybe they know they cannot actually do the physical caring & this will speed Dad into a longer term care arrangement? Have they offered other help in other ways? Like researching care facilities?
It would certainly help the situation if they could communicate better why their assistance has not being given. How they communicate this may just save your relationship with each of them.
I hope your family can pull together over this. If not, keep reaching out to gain support from other places. (((Hugs)))
Thanks for your response....and the hugs! :-)
If I could go there and slap them for you I would.
My siblings also did not help. At all.
Only one lived close and I would take my parents to visit her because she wouldn’t even make the drive.
On Facebook, you might have thought my siblings were the caregivers. The photos, the loving sentiments! I learned to regard it as “Fakebook.” They couldn’t be bothered to actually visit - they were too busy snapping photos of their pets and dinner plate!
Now my parents are gone. The siblings were terrible for the funerals. Some didn’t even come - complained it was ”inconvenient” despite the fact that I secured all their availability before scheduling. (It turns out there was a major televised sporting event the prior day that showcased their hometown team).
Such misguided priorities!
You would not believe how eager and greedy they turned after my parents’ death. I now see them as hyenas.
My parents knew who loved them. I made up for the others.
I am sorry you are dealing with their lack of support, your dad's decline, and your husband’s death. I too would suggest looking into memory care for him so you can be his daughter and not caregiver in the home. I know how hard it is to take verbal abuse as I’ve been on the end of that. And yes, the one who are caregivers normally take the brunt. It is hurtful. Always remind yourself it’s not him it’s his diseased brain. I hope you will be better soon with the in home help you’ve hired. I would use that time to meet a friend over coffee or lunch too besides the support meeting.
I appreciate what you say about his diseased mind. I know. The first few times are the hardest. I'm learning to let it go and have more compassion.
Now I want to share something I learned during my ordeal. Maybe it can help you. My dad was in the military. The government will actually pay you to take care of your dad (or his surviving spouse) if you are his caregiver. I had to get his DD214 (retirement papers from military) I then talked with the military (I forget which office) but they had me fill out the paperwork. It does take months, but the sooner you get started the sooner you will start to get some relief and can pay someone to stay with your dad. You will need to show the military where your dad pays you for caring for him. So start having him write you checks. Keep copies of those canceled checks because you will need them. He needs to pay you a fair price, nothing crazy too high or too low. Now what you actually do with that money is up to you. I gave my mothers back to her I just needed the canceled check. We actually lived off both our incomes so it really didn't matter who's money it was, it was all out together to pay the bills. Im on disability and she was retired so it took everything.
My last coversation with the VA was that we had been approved but it could take 90 days to get a check. Unfortunately that conversation happened about 30 days before mom passed. I knew she was getting worse and didn't have much time so I told the guy to forget it because she would be dead in 30 days and she did pass within a couple weeks. Point is don't waste time, get started NOW it does take months to get approved but the amount of money I would have collected would have eased a LOT of stress on the both of us since we had to count pennies literally. I don't think I would mention this to your siblings as all this will do is give them even more of a reason to depend on you because now your getting paid to care for him so they will never come back around.
Forgive my poor spelling and grammar as it's kinda early for me and I don't do too well until my med's kick in.
Good Luck and God Bless.
i think this link might help or at least get you started.
https://www.military.com/benefits/veterans-health-care/new-va-family-caregiver-program.html
If you can speak with a social worker, there may be resources available for you from the government. Some areas have elder care where they pick up seniors and take them to activities for a few hours. Others have assistance where they will send an aide to your house. It sounds like your father is not able to handle stoves, cars, etc. If he wanders, you may have to put alarms on your doors. Has his doctor assessed his condition? Medicare may pay for some of it.
Moral to the story, don’t do what I did. Take care of yourself first even if it means an assisted living facility for your parent. Your family will not step up and you may ruin your health.