It is the weekend. My usual time for doing things for my dad, plus another day of the week (and anytime in between if needed) but it is the weekend that causes the most triggers. As I type this, I'm feeling nervous, anxious and just an overall not feeling good (emotionally) because I'm in constant thought about how I was treated as a child and as an adult. As children we often put our feelings aside to help our parents no matter what. Why?
Why would a mistreated child grow up and feel this way?
Why would an adult with a strained relationship with a parent think they need to push the feelings aside?
I was just talking to someone seeking medical advice here on Forum. And I said that there's sometimes danger in seeking expert advice from people on a Forum. You end up with sympathy, not help. You end up with their OWN sad story rather than any ideas of change for your own life. And you end up repeating once again the old familiar pain, making it with each repetition STRONGER and more real.
There have been three times in my life that I was in or close to crisis point, and sought the help of a therapist. Each time taught me more than I can say; and it always helped. I do admit to having been lucky in getting therapists who didn't just sit and listen while they counted out the cash, but rather shook my world until I was uncomfortable enough to truly look at what I needed to CHANGE.
Change is more difficult than we think. Our habits, while they cause us pain, are the "KNOWN" world. And choosing another path is a walk into the dark, scary. But so worth it for the discoveries you will make.
It breaks my heart that you think you owe your dad anything at this point.
I do hope and pray that you are in some type of therapy/counseling to find out exactly why you feel that you're responsible for him in any way when in reality you're not. I hope you know that, I really do.
No one is worth risking our mental health and well being over. NO ONE!
I'm the sole caregiver for my father. He still lives alone but I'm foreseeing that he will need constant help in the near future. My mother passed away years ago. I do not have any siblings and my father and I have a strained relationship. I did not have a happy childhood due to his treatment of my mom and I. I do not mind helping him but he expects me to not have a life. I'm going out of town soon and it seems as if each time I get ready to leave, which is hardly ever, he has a medical issue. I'm so depressed and anxious and I can not afford counseling right now. I'm retired but looking to go back to work full time because I'm struggling financially. When I go back, I know it will be an issue because I can not take off work all the time to accompany him to doctors visits. I need any advice I can get. I wash all his clothes weekly, clean weekly, grocery shopping and take him to all doctors appointments.
Please seek out a psychotherapist to navigate your journey away from evil. (Copy and paste)
https://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/what-is-psychotherapist#:~:text=A%20psychotherapist%20uses%20talk%20therapy,couples%2C%20groups%2C%20or%20families.
My father wasn't a bad father it just seemed that everyone else was more important to him than I was. That lasted until he got old and everyone else stopped visiting, then I was the most important person in the world. He was 40 years too late. I made sure he was well taken care of but very rarely did I do any hands on caregiving. I don't think he ever understood why I was so emotionally distant. I'm not even sure he noticed. And the few times I tried to tell him he'd act as if I was overly sensitive and needed to just get over it. My feeling was if you easily get over things, people tend to treat you poorly because there are no lasting consequences.
You posted before about Dad always criticizing. An example was him just dropping by and criticizing everything about ur house and you. I will say this, your Dad needs you more than you need him and you need to make this clear to him.
If he is capable of driving to your house, what do you do for him that he can't do for himself. Laundry...my husband is 76 and has done his own in the 42 yrs we have been married. Cleaning...how dirty does one man get a house, tell him to hire someone once a month, bi-monthly. He leaves dirty dishes in the sink, he is capable of washing them himself. If he can drive he can grocery shop.
You need to start standing up for yourself. Learn the word No. Really, the more you use it the easier it gets. If he criticizes something your doing for him, tell him, "Well I guess u think you can do better so do it" and walk out. He may have more respect for you if you stand up to him. Respect goes both ways. You are not a child anymore. You are an adult who holds down a job and has a home of your own. You need to demand that respect. Look up the "grey rock method" and see if you can use it on Dad. Read the book "Boundries" by Townsend and Cloud. The one thing my daughter liked about it was...
When you say NO your are not responsible for the reaction u receive.
No is a one word sentence (meaning u do not need an excuse)
Guilt is self-imposed.
My mantra is "I am here to help people find a way, not be theway"
Therapy may help you find tools to deal with Dad. Just remember you place Boundaries for yourself. People like ur Dad will try to cross them but u never give in. I think in your last post I replied that he needs to call before he comes over. Your home is your safe place to fall. You control who comes over and who doesn't.
He is 76 and I'm 53. He does still drive but not out of town because his judgment is not good ( pulling out if front of cars, etc.) I do his grocery shopping because he has a medical issue that does not allow him to get around well. He was doing better with walking when he was going to therapy, but he stopped. I have tried to encourage him to start back. You are right about saying No... I have gotten better with that but as a child and into adulthood I was always afraid to say No. I'm going to talk to him about extra help because I'm tired. I worked two part time jobs recently and still kept up with what I was doing for him and I can not do it anymore. I will be working full time this fall and I can not push myself to the limit any longer.
In the meanwhile, you're choosing to do all these things and "I'm so depressed and anxious and I can not afford counseling right now." Only you can change this situation and make it better for yourself. How do you plan to do so? Establish boundaries immediately or nothing will ever change, but continue to worsen as dad's needs increase. My mother thought I worked full time even after I'd retired precisely so she didn't feel like I was available at her beck and call. It's called self preservation, at 60-something years old, and a necessity.
Good luck to you!
Many of us were trained early on to ignore our feelings so that our parents' lives could be more stress free and so that our families could look more "perfect" and normal.
I would strongly suggest you make some excuse and back away from "doing" for your father for a few weeks. See if your level of anxiety goes down. Then you'll know you need to make that change more permanent.
He expects you to serve his every need. What would he do if you weren’t around? He would find a way to have his needs met.
You can offer suggestions to him. There are people that he can hire to help him.
Don’t drop everything and run off to help him. Would you do this for everyone else? I doubt it.
I worked with an older woman who stopped working and thought it would be nice to volunteer in the community. She enjoyed it for awhile.
Then, she found herself working more hours volunteering than she had been working in a full time job!
She quit volunteering and returned to work. She said to me at lunch one day, “I decided that if I was going to work full time as a volunteer, and have listen to a pushy chairperson order me around until I was exhausted, then I will return to working a full time job and be paid for it!”
You’re miserable, so I am going to suggest a few comebacks to say to your dad when he makes his unending requests.
Dad, I am so sorry. I have a dentist appointment. Can’t possibly make it today!
Dad, I have a doctor appointment. Sorry!
Dad, That doesn’t work for me. My friend is visiting from out of town. I promised her that we would do lunch. Sorry!
Dad, I’m feeling under the weather today. I have to rest. Sorry.
You can give him phone numbers of suitable helpers.
Look for a therapist that charges according to your income. It will be money well spent.
Best wishes to you.
You don’t have to put your feelings aside to help a parent . It’s making you feel ill . You are conditioned to meet his expectations, or you feel obligated as the only child . If he can’t do for himself , he can hire someone to help . Back away . Tell him you are going back to work ( whether you do or not ) and he needs to hire help or go to a facility .
You are not responsible for abusive parents. You don't owe him anything.
It doesn't work that way, he has shown you who he is, believe him, age and his personal needs do not change this.
My mother was a terrible mother to me and my brother, both verbally & physically.
I no longer speak to her, and didn't for several years on & off, the last time has been for almost 13 years, no one else in family does either, except my brother who only does what he has to. She is in AL.
Don't waste another minute of your life on him, this situation will only get worse.
Start pulling back, he can have food delivered, you do not have to shop for him. If needs other assistance he can hire a caretaker to come in a few times a week.
Set your boundaries, stand up for yourself, live your life, we only go around once!
He can live for a very long time, my mother is 98, step back now before you become even more entangled. When he can no longer live alone, he needs to go to AL with a step-up program to MC.
It used to be easier to just cave and do what she wanted. There's a cost to sticking up for yourself. I've accepted the cost. Being "hard" is worth my mental health and time.
Good luck, hon.
DH is an extremely busy speciality doctor who is booked out for months with people calling every day begging to get in to see him. There aren’t enough hours in the day for him and he is constantly exhausted.
We finally decided that we don’t care. Anyone who believes her deserves what they get. Consider the source, etc.
I had a loving relationship with my mom. However, she was definitely needy. I think my feeling of responsibility came from her inability to do for herself. She was not physically and mentally capable and was very fragile without my help. Putting myself in her place, I understood her frightened state. I think the weekends, for me, were about the lack of spontaneity. I had to plan everything in advance, I could not go out on a Saturday and suddenly decide to have dinner with friends. Everything had to be planned ahead.
My mom was also an introvert and was uncomfortable with strangers. She seemed to dislike every caregiver I hired. My mistake was not pushing for respite care more often even if it meant she would be unhappy with it. I also failed to take advantage of other people and services that would help share the burden.
Hire where you can to take some of the load off. You do not have to do everything yourself.
Push yourself to have at least, if not more, a weekend a month free……FREE! I would often wish for freedom. It will not cure the situation but may give you a few moments of anxiety free time to yourself.
In the best circumstance, the anxiety comes and goes. Every one of us needs to vent a little. In your circumstance, and mine, the anxiety is never far away. I find that engaging in positive activities that I enjoy helps me deal with my mother.
And if you feel your personal wellbeing and sanity is on the line, you really can just walk away. It sounds cruel, and some will say it is, but they didn't walk in your shoes when you were a kid, so they have no business dancing on your toes today.
I hope you can get some help soon.
To answer your actual question, I think we do it because despite wether or not we like out parents, wether or not they were a good parent, we have a deep connection maybe love maybe just genes but a connection that keeps us tethered and society, our own sense of responsibility tells us we should care for those people we are tethered too when they need it. How we care for them should not be dictated by them it should be dictated by us, though it rarely works that way probably especially when the relationship has been rocky. That child in us will always want to please that parent we never could and repair that relationship we never had and some of us are very fortunate to get that time to do it when our parents age and need us. It isn’t all about them it’s about us, establishing a relationship where you feel some control and maybe even some respect will be good for you in the future it doesn’t really matter if it’s good for him or not. Removing yourself from his beck and call by setting up others to do the week to week care is a great first step, this way you are watching after him and you may find you want to go to his appointments or stop in once or twice a week for a visit but you don’t have to, you can just call him to go over the grocery list or check in too. As long as you know and believe that overseeing this and making it happen is you taking care of Dad and his needs it doesn’t matter what he says about it or the way you do it, he’s very fortunate it’s getting done. Sounds much easier than it is but we’ll worth it.
Your father didn’t rape you?
People who comment have to stop running posts through the lenses of their own normal childhoods.
Plenty of us have abusive parents. Be thankful if you didn’t.
It is a well known fact that children will want to be with an abusive parent because it is who / what they know, they want that person to love them, they do not want to be abandoned (even if they are), they want the love of a parent. I believe it is ingrained in our DNA... and then we become adults and learn how to heal ourselves (we learn, I learned - how to allow part of me to become my own parent to myself. I believe they call it RE-PARENTING.
I learned to love myself as my mother could not. She did not love or know herself to impart this / these emotional, psychological, physical bonding) that is what a mother could/'should' do for her offspring/children.
Possibly ... There comes a time when we forgive to allow us to move through and forward. Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiving is a way to find inner peace. It matters little (or not at all) if the other person being forgiven benefits).
We feel compassion for our vulnerable, aging parent. This is a side / a part of them that we (most of us) never saw growing up. It is like meeting a new person who 'needs us.' Our humanity reaches out to another.
I would encourage you to allow yourself to FEEL everything that wants to come out - during the weekends. It is GOLD for you to get up what has been stuffed in for decades. It is the stuff that will allow you to fly - to let your 'self' out - to learn who the part of you that you have hidden / stuffed down comes out to 'meet' you now. It is / will be an awakened to your full human potential.
Facing our feelings is how we grow and move to where we need to be - an evolving, new person. When we feel the 'triggers' is when the real inner work has an opportunity to happen ... if we allow it to. ... if we embrace all our feelings with humble gratitude. Then, we change in unimaginable ways.
I would like to hear how you feel about all this. Gena.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35696056/
Conclusions: The prevalence of suicide ideation is high, affecting several caregivers of patients with dementia. These findings suggest intervention and/or policy are urgently needed to address suicidal behavior in this at-risk population.
https://www.caregiver.org/resource/caregiver-depression-silent-health-crisis/
Caregiver depression’ a silent health crisis
https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/health/info-2020/coronavirus-increased-suicidal-ideations.html
Unpaid family caregivers have increased suicidal ideations
OMG, please get him off the roads before he kills himself and someone else with him. His judgment is just as bad in town as out of town. If he's three blocks from his house and pulls out in front of a car carrying a family of four and they all die because of his bad judgment, the effect is the same. Dead people are dead people whether in the next town or right down the street.
I live in a retirement community where many residents should no longer be driving. One fatal accident about two weeks ago, two dead. Another accident last week, waiting to find out what the outcome is. Both accidents due to bad judgment. No one wanted to take the keys away.
One time as a teenager, my mom sent me to the store with one of my uncles. Oh, my gosh! I was terrified, he was entering the interstate by driving up the ‘exit’ ramp!
I looked behind us, fortunately no one was there and I asked him to please back up and not drive on the interstate.
When I got home, I told my mom to never send me on an errand with him ever again!
...also, some of us don't want to have the same aging experience as our elders and we want to learn first-hand how we might be able to lead a better life when we get old.
...and last...because it feels good to help someone in need and we want to be contributing members to society.
Bless all the caregivers that I have encountered and will encounter in my lifetime.
P.S. I have various stress balls around the house and in the car. Much safer than texting while driving.
(sorry, don't shoot the messenger... but it's true...)
I can definitely relate to the anxious feelings as the day rolls around that you have to visit or do things for them. It's like you're not in control of your own life...your own time and then resentment sets in. I try to flip the switch in my mind by adding up all the hours that mom is in memory care by herself, not knowing anyone or remembering anything and not having any purpose other than to exist. The few hours that I give her is not much in comparison. It helps me to look at it that way. I hope someone will care enough about me to help if I am ever in this position.
Take care of yourself FaithfulBeauty.