My mom is 68 years old. She lives with me, my husband and daughter (who is autistic). Currently, we are homeschooling (thanks to COVID-19). My mother has spent the past few weeks that we have been stuck in isolation having a pity party. She acts like being isolated is cramping her ability to go places, but doesn't go when we aren't social distancing, so why complain about it? Every step she takes I have to hear the woosh, or the phew? (That's the noise most people make after running a marathon) but for her, it's five feet to the trash can. Then looks at me like she's miserable. She wants breakfast in bed, lunch in bed, dinner in bed. Like I am her personal servant. I have a family and a life too! She had surgery 8 days ago, a DVT blood clot, her fourth. Because she won't get her sorry rear end out of the bed and MOVE! I understand she is probably uncomfortable to an extent but my god, I had back surgery & managed to still care for my 6 month old daughter without missing a step. If I have a headache, she chimes in 'what if you felt like that all the time?' I am literally ready to take her to the funeral home and say wait right here.. they'll be with you shortly! I begged her to go to a rehab to give my family a little respite, she threw a fit and of course the doctor caved and let her come home. So here I am, and as usual, the burden falls on me. I have a sister but God forbid she help! She has a career, well so do I! But all that has been put on hold so I can care for her, my child and husband. But I'm not caring for my child or husband. I'm babysitting a woman who was to sorry to raise her own kid (me) I feel like she is really fortunate to have a nice place to live, considering she never worked a day in her life to have one! I don't know how my life has gotten to this place? I ask the psychiatrist, and she says we'll, she doesn't have that much time left, just humor her in the meantime! At what cost? My soul? My dignity? I feel like I am on the verge of a heart attack all the time. I can't eat, I'm exhausted, and worst of all, when the time comes for 'husband time' I am too exhausted for even that. I don't feel like I am living for my family anymore whatsoever. I am ready to cut our losses and leave her here and move away. I don't care if it's under a bridge. I just need some peace!
Your problem is dealing with a mother that you never had a relationship with before. Maybe time for a LTC. I also would not feed her in bed. If she can sit up in bed, then she can sit in chair. I would not cater to her. The more she does for herself the better. Boundries!
By the way 68 is not old. Most of my friends are still active and we are 70.
And personally, I find the "why do all old people want constant pity" to be so far from the truth that it makes no sense at all. Some do, some don't, and that applies to younger people as well.
Unless you've personally investigated, researched, talked to or have some reason to make a conclusion on "all old people", you're reflecting your own thoughts and not those of "all old people."
Step back, take assessment of your shortcomings and strengths, and carve out a new path to cope with the situation, or take other actions. No one's going to treat you the way you want if you don't make it clear, and learn how to stand up for yourself. If you don't want to be a doormat, don't allow yourself to be treated as one.
Consider how you present yourself:
"She wants breakfast in bed, lunch in bed, dinner in bed. Like I am her personal servant. " So, take a stand. Don't serve breakfast in bed. Make it clear that the food is in the kitchen, and that's where it will remain. Every time you give in, you're enabling her. So why should she want to change when she can get her own way?
" I begged her to go to a rehab..." This isn't an equal relationship when someone has to "beg". Please, step back, and do a complete assessment of yourself and your interactions.
Sorry if this is blunt, but I think you're at the point where someone does need to be truthful and candid. It's time for a reassessment of where you are and how you got there.
There's an excellent post in the Discussions section about asserting yourself, your rights, and not allowing yourself to be abused. If I could remember the title, I'd reference it.
Heres the thing, the situation has to work for everyone in the house or it doesn't work, period.
Obviously this is a terrible time for her to move, but you can start researching what options are available while you are stuck.
It is absolutely okay to set boundaries and enforce them. The world doesn't revolve around her and you should stop acting like it does. Tell her that she needs to do everything she can and you need to take care of your husband, your baby and yourself and if you have time you can do a few things for her. If she throws a fit, tell her that you will treat her like a child if she behaves like one, so go to your room mom until you can behave appropriately.
She won't change if it works for her, maybe making it uncomfortable enough will get her attention to behave like an adult.
Remember, this is YOUR home, she is a guest and needs to remember that you are the mistress of this address.
If she is physically capable of doing things for herself set the ground rules.
You do not say where she lives usually if she is in her own home or in a Facility (IL, or AL) If she lives in her own home start preparing her for a move out date.
Start by going for a walk every day. Will do all of you a world of good. And it will build up strength and limit the potential for another DVT.
If she lives in a Facility she will not be able to move until the facility is no longer on Lock Down. So you are going to have to make the best of it. Still go out for a walk every day she is still going to have to build up strength and limit the possibility of another DVT
Next...this is YOUR house so YOUR rules. Give her a task to do each day. Laundry or dishes or light housecleaning. If you make dinner, she does dishes. If she makes dinner, you do dishes. Having a goal to accomplish each day is important to self worth.
If your mom lives with you on a permanent basis now is the time that you should discuss with her that it might be time for moving to an IL, or AL facility when they reopen to new residents. Obviously living with her and caring for her is not working. And as your daughter AND mother both get older they will both need more attention and one has to give. Your daughter is your priority at this point in your lives.
And if you are living with her on a permanent basis now is the time that you start looking for a place for you and your family.