Why can't it ever be about me?

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Why can't it ever be about me?

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My personal hypothesis would be because parents, particularly mothers who did not work while children growing up felt because they made all sorts of sacrifices, like time with friends, etc, that their children should sacrifice all their time for them. As for cooperation, I am guessing maybe some receiving care do not cooperate or act out are paying back their children for driving them crazy when growing up, when, and failing to understand that it is easier to care for a newborn than it is a senior, if people really think about it. There is a difference when a child not grown acts out and drive parents crazy ( I am a mom, I would know this) and when a senior who has the ability to know what they are doing acts out or refuses to do what is necessary. A lot of seniors probably feeling, they raised their children and care for them, so, they can expect their children to care for them, or some people have children to dodge nursing homes when they get elder, not thinking or understanding not everyone can be caregivers.
However, like when parents became happy when their kids grown so they can do what they want, when they want, if they want, they should realize their grown kids need time for themselves, and if they got kids themselves, raising kids and helping elderly is extremely tough, especially when kids not grown or may be grown but with special needs comes first, and they are not getting attention needed because grandparent or who have you getting the attention when childhood and teens years are only for 18 years of life.
My thoughts anyway.

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Was she the way you describe about yourself when she was the one who's life was taken over when she was raising you? Did she resent giving up her life for you when you were growing up? I would be looking into counseling for yourself, as well as joining a support group for yourself, and using those outlets not only as time away from her care, but time to re-evaluate your feelings towards your mom. There is resent me there usually for everyone because it IS giving up things that used to be important in your own life before you became a caregiver of someone. You do have to realize that when they are dead and gone, you can resume your life like it used to be before becoming a caregiver. The caregiver aspect allows you to see the shoe on the other foot of what your parent or loved one gave up when you were the important one in the picture.

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I don't think when someone comes to this forum to "vent" or needs positive reinforcement they should be chastised by adding more guilt than they already have. Unless we've walked in their shoes and experience their own set of circumstances, who are any of us to judge? And sometimes when parents are "dead and gone" there isn't much life left to enjoy.

You might feel it is a child's duty to take care of parents....under any and all circumstances, and that's your decision to do so. But please don't judge others who happen to feel differently. I for one would NEVER care for my mom.....nor would I ever expect my children to care for me.

(11)

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I don't know about your parents, but my parents never "took care" of their parents. My mom never had to play care giver while working full time and taking care of her own home and family. I have no desire to be my mothers care giver, but I do it out of obligation. I feel less angry about it since I sold her house and car and moved her into assisted living. Still lots to manage, and I still do her laundry, manager her appts, buy her personables, but it's doable. It was not doable when she was still in her home...it just about killed me. There is no way in hell I would have moved her in with me. Do you have any other options for your mom...like assisted living or a daily daycare she can go to? Think outside the box a little and don't let her guilt you into this "assumed servitude".

I have to comment on debbiesdaz response - My mom chose to have children and that does not obligate me to a life long debt to be paid to her. I have an aunt who ran herself into the ground taking care of her parents. People can live for years and years and years needing back breaking 24 hr care. Everyone is not obligated to provide that to their parents because they were born!

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I agree - if having a child would obligate the child to be parental caregiver in old age - then it seems to me what the parent is doing is not raising a child, it is birthing a kind of livestock.

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Have you considered a small home-based facility? I don't know about cost, but there may be some sort of aid available. Something that looks like an ordinary household but has people that can watch out for the residents. Then you don't have to feel guilty about a "nursing home" (that comes with a century-old idea of a warehouse).

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Dear wenmal,
I write from the patients perspective. I was diagnosed with early onset ALZ 3 1/2 yrs ago and I hope you find my comments helpful. I have given this same advice to my DW and adult and minor children.
I am no longer able to work professionally any longer. I do receive SSI. I look at my job now as being in the role of doing everything I am still capable of doing. I can run errands, pick up stamps at the Post Office, shop for simple groceries, make lunches for my DW and daughter as they head off for their day. I am still able to wash dishes and put them away. I no longer cook when I am home alone while my DW and daughter are at work and school. Voluntarily I no longer drive outside of the town we live in. I'm just not comfortable venturing out on my own.
What I would recommend you do, is respectfully set limits with your mother about what you are willing and able to do. I would put an end to caving in to her every request.
Right now, your responsibility is to your DH, the two of you are entitled to share time and experience things that you would like to do while you still have the time to physically accomplish those goals. Travel, share time with friends, read a book or go to the movies. Sounds to me like it is time to move mom out and in to AL or memory care.
I have had the hard conversation with my DW and children about what I want for them. When it is time for me to go in to Memory Care, I want to be placed 100mi away from where we live. I want my DW and children to continue making their way in the world. I am 60, my DW is in her early 50's. I want it to be inconvenient for them to visit me, so they don't have to spend endless time with me who probably won't know who they are or what is going on in the world. We've had a great marriage, traveled throughout the world with our children, practiced our faith, volunteered in the community and enjoy life.
I would encourage you and your DH to set up your estate if you haven't. Prepare POA's, Medical Directives and Pour over Wills, and plans for your funerals. We were in the process of doing all of this when I was diagnosed. The legalese has been done for 3 yrs. We're going to tweak a few things with more detailed instructions on some wishes.
We enjoy everyday we have together and there is very little stress in our home. Perhaps you've done these things for yourselves, if not, please consider doing, so you can lighten the load for yourselves. I am sending up some prayers for all of you. I hope this is helpful. God Bless.

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Thank you for this excellent post.

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Your mother is not who she once was. She evidently has dementia and also feels very entitled to everything and wants to be the queen in the center the the activity and her behavior is affecting you very negatively. Ask yourself - do you deserve what she is doing to you and the feelings it causes in you. I doubt it. Then why are you allowing it and putting up with it. First I would sit her down and tell her of very specific boundaries. Let her know what you will and will not allow in her behavior and demands. Then you can either ignore her completely after reminding her she is outside of her boundaries or you can do what probably is the best - place her in a facility where she is cared for. Under no circumstances, ever, no matter, who, why, what or how anyone - especially someone with dementia - starts affecting you, your family and your way of life, you MUST put a stop to it at once. There is no other choice. You cannot fix them so there is no guilt involved. Think of yourself - this is your time to live.

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Riley, you can "sit her down" and lecture all day long, but a person with dementia is (1) not going to understand, and/or (2) not going to remember.

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You're allowed to rant. That is the beauty of this forum. :-)

My suggestion is to tell her enough is enough. Tell her it is affecting your health physically and mentally. Tell her you want to be her daughter again and not her caregiver. Give her the choice of being involved in picking out an assisted living facility or letting you make the decision on your own.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you do have control over this situation. You just have to park the guilt somewhere. Once you remove the guilt from the equation the decisions become obvious.

I wish you well.

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Words of wisdom! I wish I had done this instead of stewing about things. Getting sick over it, so stressed that I couldn’t eat. Would literally have nightmares, etc. We lose ourselves. My mom living her for 14 plus years ruined my relationship with my mom. It pushed me over the edge. Too much togetherness. Too much responsibility for one person to do.

Her pitting my siblings against each other was the final straw. It was hard enough to take her criticism, let alone theirs when they truly had no room to criticize.

Mom no longer lives here. Will take time to heal completely but I will.

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Ranting is good, it's a stress reliever. I know, I've been there and done that for 13yrs with mom living in my home. It doesn't matter if they balk, sulk, like being a martyr, narcissistic or borderline personality it's always about them.

Three things I've learned from this looking back as mom died 5 months ago. One they have a difficult time letting go of their independence. They still want to be in control of their life. Declining health just doesn't allow for that. Your mom is losing control of her life. You do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and management of her other affairs.The only control she has left is to control you by laying a guilt trip on you.

Second, being so stressed out taking care of mom didn't allow me to think clearly. I would of started to take care of myself emotionally a lot sooner before caregiver burnout surfaced. Get as much help as you can. I finally hired a part time service for caregiving. Mom didn't say boo about it. I think she actually liked seeing someone else in the house besides me.

Bottom line, it's your house, you make the rules. If mom doesn't like it then maybe it's time to consider other living arrangements for her.

The third, I wish I would of ignored half the things my mom said and did. I know it's easier said than done. Take the bull by the horns and do what you have to do whether mom likes it or not. She'll get over it. I was like you feeling my heart ready to jump out of my chest. One day out of frustration I said to my mom, "mom your going to give me a heart attack, her reply was "your too young for that". I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. You'll never be able to change your mom but you certainly can change the way you react to her.

I wish the best to you. I know how hard it is being a caregiver especially when it seems like there is no end in sight. Think about being a daughter again and not the primary caregiver.

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Young people do have heart attacks! Wow, some older people become selfish and I don’t even think they realize it. It may not even be intentional for some but they become impatient and self centered.

This happened with my mom too.

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I learned the hard way that you have to take care of yourself first. If you become seriously ill, then what will happen to your mother? Remember the first rule for mothers on an airplane. In case of an emergency, put YOUR oxygen mask on FIRST. Then secure the masks on the children.

When I finally listened to my doctors and blocked off some time for myself, a few things happened. First, the loved one I was caring for got angry with me for taking time away from her to rest, but I persevered. I told her that I was getting sicker and sicker and that I had to take time off to rest. She wasn’t happy and maybe didn’t care that I was ill but that didn’t matter. What mattered was that I cared and had to keep taking care of myself. It was working and I was getting stronger. The next thing was the crushing guilt for taking care of myself. She was unhappy with me and started acting out (pulling out all the cables from the back of the TV every time I went to rest). It got really hairy there for awhile but I persevered. I remember thinking, “How can this be right? Whenever I take care of me she’s miserable but I kept taking care of myself anyway.

I didn’t realize how hard it was going to be to focus on my life and my welfare. I didn’t think I had the right. Eventually I realized if I didn’t care enough about me, why would anyone else? It was up to me to care about me.

Hope this helps and good luck.

Theresa

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Sorry, but welcome to the ever eternal "mom guilt-tripping forum." Most of us have been there and most of us have learned how to deal with it. Thank goodness for this forum and for the input of others who have experienced this problem. You are not alone. That being said,..and hopefully helpful...let me say this. If you keep on doing what you are doing, you are going to keep on getting what you are getting. Mom is not going to change. One thing I would insert in here is that this is a scary time for your Mom. She is no longer in control of her life and living. Getting older is scary, especially if you can't take care of yourself as you would like and having to have to rely on other people to do it for you. Mom's only choice is to put the blame on you for her misery. Personally, I think that when a senior becomes blatantly selfish and combative, as your mom seems to be, she's barely holding on to her sanity. Perhaps a visit with the doctor to see if Mom should be receiving some medicinal help to suppress her anxieties or stresses would help.
Mom needs reassurances that, even tho she is a pain, she will be okay and that she needs to appreciate what you are doing for her. Easier said than done, I know. But persevere and be constant in your "me" activities. Give it some time, just be stubborn about it. Some Mom's have an inordinate capacity for guilt laying. Good luck.

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We Mel are you still with us????

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ohmigosh -- I was JUST thinking the same thing!!! I have tears in my eyes as I read your message.

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IMHO, you need respite badly, else you'll be good to no one, including yourself. Perhaps it's time for facility living for your mother because at this rate, you'll go nuts.

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It is about you, it's about the way you feel and how you are helping those in need. But also remember you are only human and you need time for yourself. It's time to say LET GO AND LET GOD. For years I have lived away from my parents and family in another city and I felled down on my luck so now I am taking care of all the elderly in my family. I took care of my Father just before he died two years ago all the time while taking care of my Aunt on my Mothers side who had just had a stroke. I was feel guilty myself for all that they had done for me while I was down and out. It's been seven years now and I have prayed and asked for guidance from the LORD above. He has given me the joy and knowledge that I can only do so much and when I get tired and need to rest to just rest. Everything will be alright and things will fall into place. I am not a nagging nor negative person like all the elderly people I have been taking care of but one thing I know is that GOD will take care of you whether you take care of them or not. Please be assured that your blessings will come and that talking thing over with others will give you a chance to be blessed no matter how hard it gets. This to shall pass. Be faithful and be good to your self also. If you were to be laid up for a while things will still go on. Its time to say change has got to come and I am going to change things around here. Treat your self and others will see that you are doing the best you can even if the ones that You are taking care of do not give you the gratitude that you deserved. Look into there health insurance and talk to there doctor to see what all can be done and also look for a person that can help you out for at least a couple of hours every once in a while and you will see that things are not really as bad as they seem because in the end they will be gone and then how will you handle that. Be brave and enjoy the rest of the time you have.

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My heart goes out to you. I hear you and understand. I was did everything for my husband before I got mental clarity and focus -- which took me 3 years and many health issues of my own I am still working through. Even though it is hard to do, you must ask for help and take care of yourself. The things I can share with you that finally made a difference for me... was to make a list of all the things that needed doing and ask for help from friends. For the things I felt I could not ask for help I hired in help from student nurses looking for part-time work. Starting with someone to be with him at night so I could sleep to someone to give me a break for 4 hours three times a week. Eventually I hired an Advocate to help me coordinate all sorts of help and talk with my husband -- who would listen to her more then he did me. He was always angry at me no matter what I did - it was never enough. It has been six years now and he is in a private home with 24 hour care. For me, it worked better to work and pay for the home then to try and take care of him myself. Everyone will tell you to take care of yourself -- please do what you can. I now have AFIB, and very low pulse and other issues that are very hard to resolve because of the extreme trauma.

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Wen, I totally understand what you feel. I’m going through the same thing with my wife still at home. I have had major remodeling done to our house to make it better for her. I have bought a different vehicle to make things better for her. I have bought a different bed to make it better for her. It feels like my life and even my house isn’t mine any longer. My sleep ( actually my lack of sleep) revolves around her. My daily activities are determined by her needs. It seems as if my entire existence is to serve her. I love her very much and am glad to be able to care for her. But I’m finally beginning to realize that for me to be a good caregiver I need to stay as healthy emotionally as I can. So I finally found a person who will take my place to give me a break when I need a mental break. The money I pay this person is so worth it. I still have to deal with getting depressed and frustrated, but not as much as before.

It sounds like you have already done so much. Please don’t forget yourself in all of this. I wish I had come to this point sooner. Both the caregiver and the patient benefit when the caregiver is in a healthier state of mind .

I wish you as much peace and contentment as is possible as you move forward.

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Thank you Abby2018 I agree with you!! We were not put on this earth to take care of our elderly parents!! I would never move my mother in with me and I would never move in with my adult children!! My mother and I could never live with each other. She has mental illness. It is very hard living with someone with mental illness.

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I disagree with your position regarding why we were put here on earth. Your attitude for me is very discouraging for the human race. We were put on earth to take care of our elderly parents, our children, and those in need, even people we do not know or have a vested interest in. In most parts of the world, the elderly are protected and revered. So glad you are not my daughter. And, I am full time caregiver for my very ill husband who has the nasty condition of FTD (frontal temporal dementia) and yes it's sometimes very nasty to live with and cope with. However, his daughter has had a similar attitude as yours... must be a generational trend in attitude, especially if you think you are entitled to her assets. And do my feelings ever count? Apparently not. I find strength in my own heart of hearts that I'm being the best caring person I know how do be, regardless of outside validation or not. In fact I notice, he gets the most difficult when I've had a break and he notices I'm a little happier. Thank God for my Art refuge.

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My mother always pulls her crap by saying if you don’t do this for me then I won’t do blank for you. Fill in the blank any way you want. This scenario use to go on all the time but I don’t play that game anymore. Now her new trick if she doesn’t want to bathe or wash her hair and I’m trying to convince her to let me help her, she will say GET OUT OF MY HOUSE OR I Will CALL THE COPS!!! Needless to say, I don’t play that game anymore either. If she wants to stink, then let her stink!!

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So horrible when parents emotionally blackmail their kids. I’m sorry she does that. Good for you for not playing her games and caving!

I hate mind games and playing the guilt card or trying to shame us! Most times all of that stuff backfires once the children start to see their behavior for what it is and set boundaries.

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Wenmal my mother does the same thing!! Sits there and thinks all day long. I always tell her I’m not playing your brain teasers anymore. She waits until her toenails are out of control and calls me at work to tell me her toes hurt. I work the overnight shift and she is up all night and calls me at work at 3am. I said go soak your feet and I will call the doctor in the morning. I’m not leaving work now for this. I have to go back to work now. She brings it on herself. She is suppose to get her nails cut every 3 months at the podiatrist and she will wait 12 months and have them hurting!! She brings everything on herself!!

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Do you think they excuse themselves because of their age? I do. Sure, it’s hell to get old and if they were kind we would have been nicer. Being mean brings out the worst in me! I told her constantly that she had the power to bring out my best or bring out my worst. She chose the worst and wondered why I was angry!

My mother didn’t have a clue how hard it was to be a full time caregiver. She didn’t care for her parents. They were independent until they died.

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Don't say "sorry" here! This is a place for ranting! What you need is support.

I relate. Only, I am unmarried and have no one at all to help or even talk to, unless I call a best friend (and I'm sure she's sick of my complaining).

Your Mom and mine have lots in common. The one thing that struck me is the fact that your Mom stays in bed 20 hours a day. So does mine. I asked a hospice nurse what I should do when she sleeps so much. He said, "Let her sleep." FINE!!!!! A rest for me!

You have way more physical demands put on you than I do. So far, my Mom dresses herself, showers herself, walks by herself, and toilets where she should (although not as neatly as I would prefer!).

My Mom just turned 100! The one thing you and I have in common is our Moms' fear of our leaving the house. When I have to go to the market or to the doctor, I tell her -- but due to her dementia, she'll forget -- so I leave a note where I am and about what time I'll be back. If I get into a conversation with someone (anyone, anyplace who is a sane adult!), and I'm late, my Mom calls me to find out where I am and when I'll be home. It's routine now.

I wonder if the self-centeredness is caused by the dementia. I've noticed it for years and it gets worse.

She has no life and I have no life. Why does she go on and on?

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Ejoy what little space of time you can carve out for yourself. You have given enough. A VULTURE will take forever....claim your life. Hugs.

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Cwinter come take care of my mother since you are so wonderful at it. I’m not a kid I am almost 58 years old. She is mentally ill, a gambling addict, a hoarder, and an alcoholic and as she has gotten older it has gotten worse. She is 95 years old and it is worse. Until you have walked in someone else’s shoes, Don’t Judge!!!!!!!

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You don’t need me to tell you this but you have every right to feel as you do. Let it roll off. Better yet, shake it off.

Sometimes I’ve had difficulty shaking things off. I’m working on it though.

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Cwinter,

I have read Elaine’s posts for awhile. I must tell you that I have never once read of her insinuating that she was ever interested in her mother’s money or as you put it, “entitled to her assets”, so why would you even accuse her of that or even bring it up? That doesn’t make sense to speculate or insult someone.

The only thing she has ever expressed is her mother having enough money for herself.

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Needhelpwithmom thank you so much for coming to my defense. I will definitely let that one roll off my back! I have been in n and out of therapy since 2001. I have had different therapists over the years and they have all helped me to let it roll off my back. I was taken aback about what that person said. The casino has ALL of her inheritance money, not me, lol.

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Why can't it ever be about me?

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