This is the question I need answered most. Why do my feelings and needs not count? My mother is living in my home with my husband and me. She needs EVERY meal fixed, laundry done, bathing assistance, help walking from room to room, multiple rides to dr. appts, wound bandage changes, commode emptying. I'm in the process of setting up CDPAP and have a friend who is a home health aid and is willing to help. "But why do you need help?, are you saying that I'm a burden? I knew you would say that." "You can leave the house any time you want." (Yes if it is important and then only for a couple hrs at most between meals.) No more weekend getaways or real vacations. She lived as a hermit, so I guess why would she think that I need time outside the home. I actually have a few friends and like to do things.
She lays in bed 20 hrs a day, comes out for meals and evenings to watch TV with us.
She ignores health problems until they become a crisis, is abnormally afraid of Drs. and treatments. Which is why she is like she is.
I am setting things up, physical therapy, CDPAP and encouraging exercise, so maybe just maybe I won't feel resentful that my life has been overtaken and I can go out without feeling guilty.
She balks at everything cuz if its not her idea its not necessary. And then my heart rate goes out of control.
Sorry for the rant.
You matter. Caregivers matter. Before I became my mom's live-in caregiver and I got POA for her finances, I did this for my two sisters, who would drop everything to care for Mom. I made it clear to my two sisters that the person needing care is HALF the equation, not the whole. The other half are the caregivers. They told me over and over what a difference it made for them that someone cared about them, while they cared for Mom's person and her home.
It's time to be firm about your needs, and hopefully your mom has a pension or other income to pay for her care and for your respite. Otherwise, be frank that she may need to go elsewhere, for YOUR health. Hugs to you, my dear.
Can relate. I have cats.
R27
Only with MIL's last "event" have I begun to put my needs first. She broke her wrist (climbing between the lawn tractor and the little wagon it tows behind -- in a temper tantrum with two people -- had NO business doing it!) And I've realized, it's a broken wrist - not critical, not life-threatening . . . . and so I haven't simply moved heaven and earth to accommodate her as I usually do.
The doctor wanted to see her 10 days after our first appt. and he would place the cast. I only have Monday afternoon off each week, and 10 days later was going to fall on a Wednesday. So, I spoke up and asked if he would like to see her sooner, on the next Monday, or later -- on the following Monday?
He said, later . . . and all was fine.
Then when we were there yesterday and got the cast, he wanted to follow up 2 weeks later - and I have something already scheduled on that Monday afternoon, so I asked if we could come back in three weeks. And again, it was fine, and no one even batted an eyelash.
Believe you me, in the past, I would have wasted a vacation day from work to get her to that Wednesday appt. and I would have ditched my plans on the Monday and taken her for that two week follow up. But honestly, she doesn't appreciate my sacrifice -- so I'm pretty much done making them when it is not a critical need.
If I don't start to care about my feelings and needs, they will never be accounted for. And the time has come that I'm going to start taking care of myself!!
You have to make boundaries and stick to them. When she makes a comment to induce guilt, remind her that she has hijacked your life. Use your own words but push back. "Are you saying I'm a burden?" You could say "Well I had a full life of my own before you moved in and I miss it".
Get the help and get out of the house, your feelings and needs DO matter.
Even time out for you and husband is just as much for her well being as yours.
You might want to look into adult Day care to give your Mom the opportunity to enjoy the community 'on her own'.
Good luck. Both of you should better once you get some assistance or respite care.
Honesty is the only way this is going to get fixed. She needs to go to Day programs, she needs to go to the doctor when YOU think it's important and she needs to hear that you need respite from her care.. "Otherwise mom, you'll need to make other arrangements".
Give me a break.
Better yet, give YOURSELF a break and let mother dearest know what the new lay of the land looks like. That is, IF she'd like to continue living with you. Start making the new rules and sticking to them so that she isn't AS BIG a burden as you've allowed her to be thus far.
If things don't improve, get her placed in Assisted Living asap
Best of luck!
I would ask myself why you are doing this to yourself? Your needs don't count because you have taught her how to treat you.
Guilt is a self imposed emotion, common sense would dictate that you have nothing to feel guilty about. If you cannot stand up to her then nothing will change.
The ball is in your court...now what?
It took my therapist to point out to me that my mom was indeed becoming a burden on me in my home. We don’t want to admit it because we have been raised to feel that we are obligated to them.
You will need to confront her. WARNING! Be prepared for backlash. It’s okay. You are going to be miserable anyway. So at least speak your mind. Then work on making changes that work best for you!
Don’t wait for her to make the changes to accommodate your needs. It most likely won’t happen.
Best wishes to you.
We're human, We feel. We FEEL things and people putting us down for feeling are just uncomfortable with us being 'imperfect' for THEM.
My son recently handed me some terrible, terrible news---he didn't bother to give me a preamble or warning--just dumped a terrible thing on me. Then followed up with a few anger-based emails and texts, which I deleted.
He WANTS to argue with me. He wants me to believe and accept what he has said/done as being 'just fine' and it's not. Period.
I have gone grey rock with him, I won't answer his calls anymore and emails are quickly read and deleted.
YES, I do have to forgive him and for the sake of family coherence, I will. But he doesn't get to work on something for 6+ months, amping up the anger and hatred and then dump it on me and blame ME for how he feels and expect me to some back with an immediate "I am so sorry for what I did." Cause I am not.
Right now I am beyond heartbroken and sad. DH has taken son's side, so I have no one.
And no matter WHAT I do or say, he isn't through beating me up. (sigh)
Add to that I just finished my first round of cancer TX. 18 weeks of chemo. Now I wait and heal and then do x many rounds of radiation. Has he even acted like this was a big deal?? Nope. Neither have 3/5 of my other kids.
So---I know for sure that the last 43 years have been a collosal waste of time if I put all my eggs in one basket. I sort of did. Glad I worked off and on and that I have a lot of friends. The 'joke' that family is always there for you has proven to be a big joke to me, Maybe my extended family just can't handle it. I'll never know.
You take care of YOU and if mom is being a pill--tell her off and walk away for an afternoon. Or A week.
As I know her, it means I would feel happier if I need to go out for a few hours, that someone I trust, is looking after someone I love. “
First, my husband has the same level of need as your mother. In bed 24/7 except for meals and a bit of Netflix at night. So, I totally get it. You do Everything. Pills, appointments, support stockings... Me, too.
Second, there is only one way through this: self-care. If we do not take care of ourselves, physically and emotionally, we won't live through this. Physically means working out at a gym and getting strong or at least a looooooooong walk. Also spa days! Emotionally means spending time with other people that is positive and fun.
Third, you do not need permission to leave the house. If she has a comment, respond with when you'll be back. "Why are you going out now?" "I'll be back at 5:00, sleep well."
Fourth, the easiest way to make this work is to make it a routine. My husband, though he cannot send an email or make a phone call or set the table or even get a can of beer out of the fridge, remembers our routine. So, when he looks perplexed that I am leaving, I just say, "Its Wednesday." Then the light goes on.
I also can only leave for a couple of hours, very confining. But I leave every day for a couple of hours, sometimes even twice. Breakfast, I go out, lunch, I go out again. The difference is that my husband is quite laid back about everything and sensitive to not making my life a drudge. It sounds like your mother is also sensitive to some degree. Play off of that. Let her know that you want to go out with friends, or to the gym, or whatever. Let her know that you are having fun! she is your mother! She wants you to have a good life.
One of the most helpful things that was told to me about my mom going into a RC was: "She will adjust." I believed that. And she did adjust. My husband has also adjusted--and so have I. I used to go out in the evenings but I don't dare to do that anymore.
Your mom will adjust, too. It feels awkward and oooky when she complains at first, but set up a routine to leave the house: four mornings for two hours, or three mornings for three hours, or whatever. Stick to it--even if you just sit quietly in a library. Pamper yourself. Make yourself feel loved. It really pays off.
So, you are not alone. Good luck and a hug!!!!!!!!!
I agree that you should be candid and if she asks the question about being a burden ( which is a veiled attempt to make you feel bad) then she should expect an honest answer and not be surprised when she gets it. "Yes mom, having you here has totally changed my life and I don’t feel I have much of one anymore"....whoa! That will shock her.
Many times the problem is we turnover any power we have and give it all to the parent. You have a right no matter where you are in this "game" to take your power back.
Basically you do this by not jumping immediately, things are not always an emergency. Hire help and let mom's income pay for it. By all means take some control back. There is nothing wrong with it. After all you are doing her a tremendous favor and gift by letting her live with you. And also, get yourself some counseling with an objective therapist on how to handle her and yourself. It is truly a gift you can give yourself.
”taking all your control back”! If Mom can come out of room for meals and evening TV, she can come out getting Mom out of bed at 8 a.m. to start her and your day. She needs a daily schedule. As for evening, early dinner and in bed by 8, so you and hubby have private time.
Call doctor and have her evaluated ASAP. Tell Mom no meds until doctor sees her.
Take your life back NOW and enjoy with hubby and family. No one is guaranteed a tomorrow.
It may be time for a Nursing Home. If she can’t afford a nursing home start the Medicaid application now as it’s takes a year or longer.
Good luck.
FYI: I went thru this with my Dad 90
who is in NHAL for two years. I just put my 92 yo Mom in NH-Memory Care three weeks ago. They are in same NH Complex. I retired at 60 (widow got SS and Medical and pension from job) to care for both. I delayed my medical issues and am paying for it now. I lost 7 years of retirement fun with friends and family.
I could write a book!
JIMO, THAT is abusive & you might want to "document" it for family, doctors or Adult Protective Services.
12 LITTLE WORDS: get a motion-activated nanny cam, under $100, downloadable to your computer.
Just because there is one person sick or old in the house, does not mean that you cannot enjoy your life and do the things you love. It takes some skill and emotional maturity to go around this. With a nurse to help, you can have your freedom.
My mother who is 81, is also very demanding but does not live with me. Only now, at the age of 49, did I learn to create boundaries without feeling guilty. Your life is important, value it because one day you will be old and not able to do that much too. Don't let anyone, including your mother, make you feel guilty for wanting to do things you love and enjoy. Parents can be very controlling and perhaps even jealous that you still have some spunk to you to have fun and be light hearted while they are sick and tired.
Sometimes it’s just a matter of survival.
Your mom won’t like it. That’s unfortunate. You need to put yourself first sometimes. We all do.
Be brave, and kick any creeping guilt right in the pants. You’re entitled to take care of your own mental health. In fact, it’s sort of your responsibility, I think. Nobody else is going to do it for you.
You can make your life better.
Someone else said to be consistent about timing your self-care routine. I agree. Give her a schedule to get used to, and she’ll adjust better because she knows you aren’t going to skip town.
You will be a better caretaker of you include some joy of your own.
Take back your life!
I know exactly how you feel. My 93 year old father passed away about 4 months ago and I took care of him while he was in and out of the hospital and did everything that needed to be done for him during his illness. I did it because I wanted to and no one else could do it. I am still dealing with his loss every day. But everyone keeps asking "how is your mother doing", but never once do they ask how I am doing. Like only she feels the loss so greatly. Well, I do too, and probably more so in some ways, because I was there with him every step of the way. I feel grateful that we were able to get close during those last months. I feel the loss in a very profound way, but no once cares.
And now, I am taking care of my mother, who is a very difficult, unhappy woman. So I know how you feel about not having your own life anymore. And the constant cooking and preparation of meals. Breakfast is no big deal, but dinner is a real pain in the a$s because I do not like to cook, but more importantly, I have to stop what I am doing and get her dinner. Unlike my father, my mother does not appreciate or recognize all the work I do. It's just about her and her needs. And well, my so-called brother is totally missing in action, which makes me angry. And surprisingly enough my nephews don't call either, which is disappointing because I know they love and care about her. But, when the topic comes up about her, it's the same thing. how is she doing? Again, do they every once think to ask how I am doing, no, of course not. No one, but no one knows what I go through with her. Only other caregivers know the difficulty of caring for an elderly parent. It would be nice if someone asked how I was doing and took care of me for a change.
I have been through a lot in the last few years and it has taken it's toll on me. I am stressed to the max and emotionally drained. And vacation, forget about that. Everyone lives their lives and I am stuck in this house taking care of her 24/7. I plan on hiring an aide to come in about 3-4 days a week, so that should help somewhat, but I still need to get away and go on real vacation to Florida or anywhere away from here.
You do what you need to do. If I had to do it all over again, I would have moved her into an assisted living home close by. She could have all the interaction she needs right there and I would still have had my life instead of bending over backwards to her demands to make her happy with her new living arrangement here. (After my dad died).
Boundaries are the most important thing in these situations! If they don’t like it, there’s always an alternative in a NH or Asst Living. We can’t live their lives for them. They have to accept change and know we are NOT indentured servants.
I hope I didn’t learn too late. I am dealing with a relapse of cancer and in my 5th month of chemo. That how much energy she sucked out of me. My fault that I didn’t wake up sooner. Sorry for the harsh reality. I am still her caretaker, but with boundaries and she has accepted this.
If she is unwilling to accept the boundaries you set in place....remember, your house, your rules....then the time has come to consider placement in a care facility. You can't spend the rest of your life feeling "guilty". Know that you did your best and restore your peace of mind.
I've been having problems with a lot of pain in my right leg (it's the one I brace on when I get her out of bed). When she asks me what's wrong, and I tell her my leg is bothering me, she launches into a 20-minute spiel on how HER legs hurt HER (her pain is always worse than mine, naturally).
If she hollers for me and I'm conducting business on the phone (or even talking to a friend), she says, "You're on the phone AGAIN? Why?" If this happens while the CNA is here for her twice-weekly visits, she tells the CNA, "She's ALWAYS on the phone! I don't understand it!" She can't accept the fact that I actually like people, have friends, and enjoy my contact with the outside world, because she never did.
And when she needs something, she'll call for me repeatedly until I respond. I've tried telling her to call once, count to 30, and then try again if I don't immediately materialize (if it's an emergency, she has a call button she can push). She still won't do it, and thinks I'm ignoring her. She can't figure out that I may be busy with something that - horror of horrors - doesn't involve her.
I know that part of this is due to her previous solitary lifestyle, and the fact that she now has the self-centered attitude of the invalid. But that knowledge doesn't really help with the frustration of being treated like a machine that exists solely to serve her.
Fight that guilt as hard as you can. It's not your fault that she is the way she is - it's hers. It sounds like you're well on the way to regaining some freedom and independence. Keep at it. Best wishes.
I could not have said it any better than you did.
Learn to "shrug" and try to ignore. You can't change your mother, so stop trying and just don't let her change you.
Good time for the Serenity Prayer.
In my case I have finally arranged for assisted living for my mother. Move in is next week and can’t come soon enough! If my mother is awake, she constantly needs something so I am up and down all day and sometimes all night. She stays in bed all day thinking. She doesn’t watch tv, read or have any hobbies. I’m hoping she will participate in the activities at the AL and make some friends.
I learned something new that could be helpful to some of you if you were the spouse of a military person. There is a stipend available to help with AL costs. I am going to check it out for my mother. I don’t know any more than this now but you can search veteran spouse benefits for assisted living or contact your local VA representative.
I will say that my dad does get an aide three times a week ,and is receptive to any services that would assistance in his care and my well being.
When I have my own affairs or my son's to tend to thankfully I have an aunt who will come given advance notice of course and stay with my dad.I wont let my well being or my son's suffer while carrying for my dad.
I also have me time once a month for my own sanity.We shouldn't feel guilty with wanting to do the same.As well as getting any additional help you need.When your mom says why you need help just say everybody does sometimes and you want the best care for her.Goodluck