Five months ago my ex spouse was diagnosed with lung cancer. He sold his home and had no place to go, so I took him in. Over the last 14 years we have maintained a friendship and his family and my son sort of expected me to do this. It has now come to the point where my own health has been affected. I have extreme anxiety. I wake up shaking every morning. I’ve moved my work into my home because of this full-time job. He had a mild stroke two weeks ago in the hospital. Once again, released him to me. This is more than I can handle. I reached out to his family tell them I need help. I’m going to be checking out an assisted living place, but it’s so much money. He has no funds, so I was going to pay for it because I just need to save myself now.
I just want to know if anybody has any ideas on how to let go of the guilt anxiety and fear?
Thank you for listening
Please clarify. What are you feeling guilty about?
It sounds like you may truly be a horrible person that committed a crime you didn't confess to here. It would help to know what it is.
Guilt, please, did you punch him. Did you rob him?
Also what do you mean by "sort of" expect you to do this?
You have the best teacher's there although none of you are aware of this.
Why don't you learn from them and "sort of" expect them to help out at least a sick woman by taking this "X" (Come on, it's you who can't let go) off of your hands.
Sweetheart no one expects you to do it. They look to you, with puppy dog eyes maybe, because THEY don't want to help. Man, not even to research resources. What a great bunch you have there.
Are you feeling guilt because you failed as a martyr?
And now you want to compound your initial mistake of taking him in with another great idea, martyr yourself some more by spending your money on him.
You are not feeling guilt. You are feeling sorry and badly about his situation. You must learn to differentiate between guilt and feeling sorry and let Medicaid take over. Do not accept responsibility and take him in again.
How to let go of fear you ask? Fear. You over exaggerate again. Guilt. Fear.
Is some bad person going to take your away your allowance or send you to bed without supper? Are you going to get a spanking in the town square. Sell tickets please. Is someone going to talk badly about you. Did you see anyone volunteer to help? Boy, do they have your number.
You're turning yourself into a wreck and a probable burden for someone else with your self-induced anxiety.
During turbulance put your mask on first. Then help. And then check around and see who's checking to see if you're okay. It's a lesson that must be learned only once and well.
If needed he can apply for Medicaid or his family can step up and assume the job as caregiver.
Next time he goes to the hospital you say LOUD and CLEARLY that you can not safely care for this man any longer. You make it clear that you are NOT responsible for him or his debts. (I hope you have not signed any papers saying you would be responsible.)
You have done more than what most people would do.
If his family will not step up and he can not care for himself contact APS and inform them of the situation and make it clear that you can not continue to care for him.
If he is a Veteran contact the local Veterans Assistance Commission and they can help determine what benefits he is entitled to. (It is possible that you could get paid to care for him and with that money you could hire other caregivers, it depends on how much the VA would provide)
If he is no longer getting treatment for the cancer and is not in remission there is a possibility he may qualify for Hospice. If that is the care the Hospice Social Worker might have ideas to get him placed in a facility. But in the mean time you would have the help of a CNA and a Nurse that would come on a regular basis. And you could request Volunteers to come and stay with him while you get a break.
No. I don’t know how to “let go” of the anxiety and guilt and fear until you take action. Once you take action you will feel better.
You might try an urgent care for yourself and ask for an anti anxiety Med if you haven’t already gotten one. If you have a good primary, perhaps all you need is a phone call to them. When things are especially bad, I find it really helps. Don’t ignore your health and btw, who do you have to take care of you?
Focus on the solution and not the fact that you feel so alone in this. Make a list of all the suggestions and do make a call hourly, just make it one that is “goal achieving and not just tension relieving”.
You have notified the others and they haven’t taken it over.
Just make a list of names and numbers and relationships for anyone needing that as you go forward. They most likely are no better equipped than you to manage his care at this stage. You have gone beyond what anyone else has been willing to do. If he has a POA, that person needs to be involved.
Was he in the hospital for three nights? If so, he qualifies for rehab. If it has only been two weeks since discharge, I think he is still eligible. Contact the hospital and ask that he be transferred to rehab. There are patient advocates, the discharging doctor, the ER, etc. keep dialing until you find someone who knows the drill. I might even take him back to the ER depending on how bad the situation is.
When I get the run around, I ask for the hospital administrator. That will usually get you the executive secretary. I tell her my issues and she connects me with the right department. When that department sees whose extension is ringing, they answer. I have only done that on weekdays but someone might answer even today.
If that doesn’t work out…It could be that your ex is eligible for hospice which could make it easier for him to get SNF care on Medicaid and could get you a small amount of help immediately.
You could call a hospice to see if you can get an evaluation from them now, as in today. The hospice will have a social worker and other staff that can get you headed in the right direction.
Your ex needs a permanent residence and the ALF might only be temporary and as others have said, you should not spend your money on his care. There are resources available. It is a matter of finding the right ones.
Have a sense of urgency when you ask for help for him and be very clear he must be moved. You don’t want to confuse anyone else that you are the solution.
Before I spent money on an ALF, I would see a certified elder attorney. Take your son with you if possible.
Good luck, let us know how it goes. You are going to feel so much better when you get him the help he needs. There are many ways to help someone. You don’t have to do hands on to manage his care or put him where others can.
Is is receiving SSI (disability)? https://www.ssa.gov/benefits/disability/
He has a family, but it seems like you were the only one designated this role. You are no longer legally his wife. Therefore, you are not responsible for paying his bills or making these types of decisions. It sounds like you have reached your breaking point. You can seek out Medicaid for his long-term care. You will know when it is time to draw the line with caretaking duties. We all reach this point sooner or later.
It is admirable that you continued to play a vital role in your ex's life for his and your son's sake. However, you became an ex-wife for a valid reason. Don't let false guilt keep you from making the decision to save yourself. Another alternative is to get him hospice care in your home until you can get him settled in a long-term care facility. Explain the situation to hospice that you two are divorced and this was a temporary living arrangement. They can provide respite service for you in your home by sending a Home Health Aide so you can get a break from the caregiving if you are not ready to make the decision to let him go to a nursing home. As his health continues to get worse, you can have him admitted to hospital palliative care with the help of the Hospice Social Worker. Get him on Medicaid first, so you won't be paying out of pocket for his expenses.
DO NOT pay for any facility out of your money!
The next time he has to go to the hospital, tell his social worker that you can no longer care for him. Then it's the hospitals responsibility to find him a placement. In the meantime, his family will not ever take on the responsibility yet expects you to? Why?? You'r e divorced! You have no obligation to this man.
Guilt and fear is only a state of mind and you and no one else has allowed yourself to feel guilty. Stop it! You've gone above and beyond. Don't let his situation draw you into a situation that you don't need or can't afford to be in. You've got to take care of yourself first until you can get him out of your house.
I'm assuming you and your ex are elders?
I'm not sure if an elder care attorney could advise you on the best way to get him out. ? It could be the best money ever spent so you can succeed in the right path for
both you and your ex.
Good luck and stop feeling guilty. You've done nothing wrong!
It's great that you are helping him, but you should NEVER take on his financial responsibilities. And if the hospital is releasing a stroke patient without first releasing him to a rehab hospital, next time demand they do. And refuse to take him until they release him to one.
Assisted living is not where he should go. Depending upon his diagnosis, lung cancer takes 'em quickly. What he needs is either skilled nursing or a speciality hospital (that's what they are called) that handles end of life cancer patients. A doctor has to authorize assisted living and it's not a place for people with medical needs like his.
As far as paying for his care, there are LOTS of options. And you can get home health care help as well. Here are sites that list a lot of different options. DEFINITELY check them out. There is all sorts of free programs for lung cancer patients. Even your state may have assistance. A friend of mine had another type of cancer, didn't have insurance and was able to be enrolled in low income insurance with the state that paid for all his treatments. So there's LOTS out there. Try these sites:
https://www.cancer.org/treatment/finding-and-paying-for-treatment/managing-costs/programs-and-resources-to-help-with-cancer-related-expenses.html
https://www.cancer.net/navigating-cancer-care/financial-considerations/financial-resources
Cancer Assistance
https://www.cancerfac.org/
Social Security Disability for lung cancer patients:
https://www.cancer.org/treatment/finding-and-paying-for-treatment/managing-costs/social-security-disability-income-for-people-with-cancer.html
Search for resources:
https://www.cancer.org/treatment/support-programs-and-services/resource-search.html
If you need more, just post. But there ARE options out there and looking them up will make you feel better. What you should do right away is hire home health care. If that came out of your pocket, only for a little while, it would give you some time off. Then go get a massage, go out with a girl friend, etc. He'll be OK and if he's not, he's back in the hospital.
It will feel like he's rolling down a hill and you're chasing after him, but you can never catch him. And it will go on like that until he passes. Anything you do for him is a blessing and you know he appreciates. It will be extremely overwhelming, but it won't last forever. Keep telling yourself that and scheduling home health care or skilled nursing until you find him a good specialty hospital to place him.
Also if he is 'placed in hospice' meaning his doctor has confirmed he is terminal, hospice will pay for everything. Did with my Aunt when she was diagnosed with it too. So realize you have power, you have options, and you don't have to go it alone, even if his family doesn't help you. There are great caregivers and nurses out there, and organizations that can help you!
Not sure if you can drop him off at the Hospital and leave him. My daughter says where she has worked that Hospitals are not under the same rules as Rehab/NHs which is they cannot do an "unsafe discharge". Meaning if a person is deemed 24/7 they cannot discharge them home without 24/7 care. You Ex cannot afford this care and you cannot provide it.
Again, DO NOT pay for his care. Tell your dear son that circumstances have changed with this stroke and you will not care for his Dad so he needs to find an alternative. Tell him your health is now being effected. That Dad is not your responsibility because..YOU ARE DIVORCED.
Guilt is self-imposed. Why should you feel guilt for a man you divorced for a reason that has a son and family. Its not like he has no one. The anxiety I can see. You are doing something you don't want to do. Fear, is that because you think u will end up doing the caring?
Your son should feel guilty for putting this responsibility on you.
You divorced this man for a reason, don't let anyone, including your son guilt you into taking care of or supporting a grown man.
He has other options but, nobody will ever think about them as long as you are being the solution.
It is okay to say this isn't working and you need to find a different living and caregiving arraignment for yourself to your ex.
If any family member tries to lay a guilt trip, ask them what time you can drop him off at their house for them to take over since they are so concerned for his well-being.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have the right to stop being a doormat for this situation.
Does anyone have POA. If not maybe your son can be assigned.
Take DH to his Doctor and ask if he is considered 24/7 care. If so, DH maybe able to be placed in a NH with Medicaid offsetting the cost. Exs Social Security and if any pension will go toward his care. Once in the home all his needs will be taken care of. You can then walk away and block the facility
DO NOT spend your own money. Make it clear to your son that you cannot care for his Dad and neither should you have to. He is no longer your husband. Any responsibility you had towards him stopped when those divorce papers were signed. Your son needs to find options. You have no legal rights and I shouldn't take them on.
I remarried so taking on the care of my Ex would never have happened anyway. I doubt if I wasn't married if I would have taken on his care. He was a taker not a giver when we were married. Doubt if he changed. The man died in his home sitting in his chair with beer cans around him. Died of CHF at 69.
Why not tell your SON to take his father in if he feels it's still 'your' responsibility to do so; what about HIS responsibility in this case? It's HIS father, not your husband anymore! Furthermore, I find it rich that your ex's family 'sort of expects' you to jump in and care for this man you DIVORCED. I think YOU should fully expect THEM to jump in and care for this man who IS their family member currently & forever, since divorce is NOT an option in their case! Put it back on them, is what you should be doing, rather than burning out and waking up every morning shaking~!
And, last but definitely not least, you SHOULD NOT BE PAYING FOR ASSISTED LIVING FOR THIS MAN. Under NO circumstances! That will leave YOU high and dry for your OWN old age and/or infirmity! What will you do if YOU wind up in HIS situation?? Who will pay for YOUR Assisted Living, should you need it? Have your son or your ex's family members apply for Medicaid on his behalf to have him placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility; THAT is the right answer here. Not for you to go broke in a noble effort that is above and beyond what is or should be 'expected' of an ex wife.
Then sit your son down for a nice heart-to-heart talk about what divorce actually means, and what his role is to you as his mother. He can step up and do whatever he likes for his father, w/o putting YOU on the spot to keep caring for a man you divorced long ago. He needs a wake up call FAST. Neither one of my kids EVER asked me to do one single thing for their father when he was diagnosed with cancer. And, by the same token, they haven't asked HIM (who's cured now) to do one single thing for ME now that my husband is in need of a liver transplant & has had cancer and all manner of other health issues since 2019. We have separate lives now, which is as it should be.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward with YOUR life and getting your ex out of your home and into one of his own.
It isn't guilt you feel; you are not an evil doer, a felon, a person taking joy in the pain of others. Guilt belongs to the felons who never feel it at all.
You are experiencing another G-word called grief. Grief that you cannot make things all right, that you haven't the power to fix this, make it better. That you are human with limitations and that your ex is suffering in ways you cannot prevent.
I am so sorry. Anxiety and fear is a part of this. You cannot run from it as it will keep coming for you. Allow yourself to feel it.
So sorry for all you are both going through. We on Forum see the word "guilt" so often. As though you designed all this, as tho you take joy in its pain; simply isn't the case. You are suffering for another. You aren't a Saint and not everything can be fixed. Were you a Saint we would likely fill you with arrows, then pray to you forever to make everything better for US.
You have told him,, his family, how sad you are for them; all of you are hurting. I surely wish you the best and I believe you are making the right, the only decision for yourself.
Or maybe he needs hospice care at this point? Has he been assessed?
If in the meantime he goes back to the ER or hospital be sure to let the staff know he is an "unsafe discharge" and then DO NOT GO GET HIM. The problem with this strategy is that your home may be his legal residence if any of his mail has been delivered there with his name on it, so his family could conceivably bring him back to you if he contacts them for a ride home.
Honestly, if I came to a dead end with this situation I'd pack his bags and drop him off at his relative's home and then change your locks and block all their contact. Tell them YOU are now sick and are no longer willing or able to care for him. Why would they "assume" you into this position? No one is making you do it against your will -- you are volunteering for it. Do not feel guilty since you've done nothing wrong and ending the *temporary* caregiving is his problem, not yours. You aren't responsible for his happiness. He had his whole life to plan responsibly and apparently didn't. That's on him. He's the one who should feel guilty burdening you without a thought.
your words were spot on
thanks