My ex-MIL is in her late 80s. She has 8 children, six who live in the same town. Over the last five years I have been doing more and more. Her children have nothing to do with her. My ex-wife calls once a month and visits from SC a couple of times a year for an hour or so. I take care of the lawn, small fix-it jobs, carry in groceries and food, take care of banking, etc. I am 51, have five young adult kids and four grandchildren. I want to step aside and enjoy my own family. She's a thoroughly unpleasant person. Who do I tell? Her kids shut down when I try to discuss with them.
Did you offer to continue providing services for her or was it expected from you since you have generously provided help?
Her kids don’t help. Why should you help her? Especially, when it isn’t appreciated.
I would not stay involved with this family. They are taking advantage of your generosity.
I wouldn’t be concerned about what her children say, including your ex! You can tell any of them, including your ex mother in law that you are no longer going to provide services.
Life is short. Enjoy your family!
84 isn't exactly "late 80's." Regardless, this never should have been your circus and your monkey.
Her kids "shut down" when you try to discuss? Then don't discuss -- tell them. And since I don't see dementia listed in your description above, tell her, too.
You’re a sweetheart for helping but please don’t do anything else for her. She can hire a gardener and a handyman to fulfill her needs.
You’ve done enough. Say goodbye to her and leave. Or, just don’t go back, no explanation is necessary. She’ll figure it out that you are done.
If she has your phone number and calls, block her number.
I would then inform her children in writing that you are retiring and that you've left her with people to call. You don't need to wait for any response or reaction from them. Emailing would be best if you give your final date. Make sure they know to NOT contact you for any reason regarding her care.
After that, let each bordering neighbor know that they may need to call APS if things start looking bad again and to not "prop her up by helping". Maybe even inform the police that she is an elderr who lives alone. Some small towns are good about this.
Kudos to you for being such a wonderful ex! Hopefully one day she'll appreciate all you've one for her.
Maybe you are a kind soul who saw need, so stepped in to help? Maybe you did a small job & it became a pattern, then mushroomed onto more. Maybe you enjoy ex-MIL's company? Maybe ex-MIL has taken advantage of your free labour & so never found an alternative Mr Fixit.
Why would she when you are right there?
The responsibility for ex-MIL's lawns, groceries & maintenance lays with HER.
Unwind your arrangement.
- Tell ex-MIL you are winding back the chores you do. Be honest - You have other growing commitments.
- Offer to help find a phone number for a local home service to help her.
- Give 2 weeks notice.
You can still be part of her life in a social way. Pop in from time to time for a cuppa if that's what you DO want to do.
I feel that the honerable thing to do. Tell her plain. Don't just stop turning up. Also don't waste time trying on wishing her kids/grands would step up. They have nothing to do with you. That is up to them entirely.
Certainly don't wait for ex-MIL to change your arrangement. It has to come from you.
Good luck.
Does she NEED someone to do all the things you have been doing or did you start doing them cuz you are being a nice guy?
If ex-MIL is cognizant tell her that you are no longer able to do the things that you have been doing in the past.
Provide her with a list of phone numbers of people that can help her...for a fee... with the lawn, the fix it jobs and the grocery shopping. Advise her that she should do her own banking rather than have someone else (other than trusted family) do banking for her. Suggest that she do it on line if she is able to.
I would provide all this information to her in writing and also send a certified letter to the person that is her POA.
If no one is POA you might want to report a "vulnerable senior" to APS or the local Senior Center if they have Social Worker available.
I wonder if she would be happier in a retirement community or a senior apartment?
As others have pointed out, you aren’t responsible for your exMIL. However, the guy who would take care of an exMIL is not one who will feel comfortable not knowing that he has at least tried to make others aware that she may be vulnerable.
There is a area agency on aging in every county in the US.
Below is a Vermont help line.
Give this number to your exMIL and tell her she needs to contact them for for any services she is eligible for. You might also contact them and make sure they have her in their data base.
Senior HelpLine - (800-642-5119) - The Senior HelpLine is an information and assistance resource for people age 60 and older. Staffed by knowledgeable professionals at Vermont's Area Agencies on Aging, the Senior HelpLine can answer questions and help identify resources to assist people to age successfully.
I would also make a list of everything you do for MIL and give her a copy of it. It might help her realize what she needs to ask for when she speaks with her children or any agency.
You have been wonderful to help her but really she needs to manage this herself. It gives seniors a false sense of independence when someone is taking care of all the things you have been doing.
I would also let your adult kids (her grands?) know that they need to tell their mother and her family that GM might need help. If she doesn’t have a Relationship with her children, this might help.
You can also call Adult Protective Services or the police and ask that they do a wellness check if you are concerned she won’t have food or other necessary items.
Resign your POAs and give her information about some places where she might like to live. Let her family help her to go forward.
Sometimes these sweet little old ladies can suck the life out of the people they expect to help them. And she’s not even sweet, so why deal with her? Please extricate yourself before it gets worse.
The apartment has shopping services, transportation, etc. So I'm off the hook on the tedious stuff.
Seems like she can't depend on her kids. Set Boundries with her once she is in a AL or IL. You can be there for her, but no need to be visiting everyday or her calling u all the time. Maybe set up a check in time once a day. Like after dinner when she is settled back in her room. Just call and see how her day went. It does not need to be a long call.
I called my ex and told her the new address. Told her she could let her brothers and sisters know where she was moving. They will only be interested in her money and the proceeds from selling her house.
Now on to deal with my own mother and her problem. She wants a divorce. Glad she has come to her senses.
I'm taking the weekend off and going skiing with two of my sons.
You've been doing these things because you're kind. I'm glad you didn't stop.