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My husband is 4 years younger than me, healthy, competent and helpful. A practical engineer, he can fix and build almost anything. He doesn’t respond well to ‘slow down’.
I am not traveling too well at the moment, leaning on him a lot, but wondering how I would cope on my own. What if he had the problems I suddenly acquired a few months ago?
Are any more of us wondering how much ‘reliance’ is a good idea? It is often one parent relying on the other parent, rather than wondering about your own relationship. The possibility of the ‘support’ collapsing doesn’t get a mention until things suddenly go wrong!
Is it best ignored, or is there a plan?

A dear relative of mine lost her husband quite suddenly a couple of years ago. She was left alone and had to quickly figure out so many practical matters she’d never considered. It caused my hubby and I to really go over some things he typically handles and some I typically handle, and each learn the other. I now know where the main water shut off valve is for the house and how to turn it off, I know who exactly to contact for his work benefits, I know what he wants to happen to his myriad of tools, I know how to reset the *$#% Wi-Fi and Roku. And the list goes on to make myself less reliant. There are women still who don’t know how to pump gas or pay bills or who the insurance carrier is. We’re all doing ourselves no favors not to learn and be able to do as much as possible. I’m still drawing the line at killing the bugs though….
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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ArtistDaughter Sep 7, 2024
My mom didn't know how to put gas in her car and so many other things when my dad died suddenly - suicide. I had been single for many years, and figured practical stuff out, things I'm just not good at, before getting married again, so I knew how to help her. I am constantly turning down my new husband's help. Still, I don't think I know how to shut the water off to my house. I'll have to learn that one.
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My friends have been married for 60 years. He's always taken care of everything financial, the house, getting people to repair the house, etc. They're both highly intelligent. He brings her up-to-date every year about their financials so that she'll know how to handle things. Great idea - but she's still going to be lost and helpless. She can't imagine that he will ever be gone, even though they've both had some serious health issues. What will happen is that she'll fall apart, won't be able to manage anything. I'm sure of it, and having known both of them for many decades, I've seen how she reacts to things. His plan to keep her informed is great. But it would be better if he'd insist that she take over now, even if temporarily, so she can get to know the ropes. She's never lived alone because they got married while still in college.

I'm pretty sure their adult children will have a problem on their hands!
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Reply to Fawnby
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‘Pink’ jobs and ‘Blue’ jobs. it’s how we got through all these years. There was always so much more to do than there was time to do it, it made sense to divide it like that. Now ALL the jobs are pink.

My dad dropped dead at 41 leaving my mom, who had grown up on a farm and had never drawn a paycheck, with 6 kids and without a clue. No way could anyone have planned for something like that.

My husband at 79 is alive but he can no longer be relied on for anything except making things more difficult.
I am grateful I didn’t wake up one morning alone like my mom; I was given a glimpse at the hourglass and even though it made my stomach hurt I started picking up blue jobs and digging into files.
I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me pay better attention from day one - lack of time? avoidance of mortality?

A massive re-location when the ‘support’ began to wane gave me an excuse to make sure my name was on everything and the files and accounts were set up in a way that made sense to me. Nothing was ever going to make sense to my husband again. I snatched our new home inspection report and hid it like the holy grail. When something goes haywire with our new (old) house it will be handy.

It doesn’t really matter whether it happens suddenly or bit by bit, one half of the couple is eventually going to end up with all the jobs. It’s not pleasant to think about but it would have been a very loving thing for both of us to make sure the other was as prepared as possible.
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Reply to Peasuep
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The reality in most developed countries is - that most people will live to an age where they will need some assistance. 75% of people 75 years old and older have some cognitive challenges. Most of us will have mobility issues. A few of us will have financial challenges.

The best option is to acknowledge the challenges. Prepare as best you can. Be involved with a caring group of people from many generations. Help others that you can. Graciously ask for and accept help when offered.

This week: My mom (80's) watched out cat for a few days so I could treat hubby to a birthday trip out of state. In turn, he helped her with her GPS updates and a few house repairs. Take aways: We need each other. We all can help each other.
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Reply to Taarna
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Leaning on him?
Oh oh.
The plan is this.
Imagine hubby tomorrow swallowed by the great white shark.
What would you do?
I am serious here.
If you are watching YOUTUBE TV and awaiting the next episode of Naked and Afraid Last Man Standing, you could be in trouble.

It is time to get your name also on ALL bills. Everything. The garbage, the water, the lights and gas--everything.

You know already.
Take care of it NOW.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Oh, yeah.
Margaret, I am WITH you.
It is time to get our names on the utilities, the bills (AAA do Aussies have it? we just needed to call it; I am NOT on it!)

Yes. You are a loyal member of AC. You are awakening? What do I need to do? What should be addressing? What should women (and men) be addressing now that we can/when we can?
And yeah. You should be addressing it now. Join me!

We need to start making ourselves safe. Most of us (sorry) on this Forum are WOMEN and we are not seeing it to it that we can make ourselves as safe as we should be if we are suddenly left A-L-O-N-E. And we may be.
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Anxietynacy Sep 12, 2024
Good point on putting name on utility bills, and all that!!
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Margaret, I don't think we have a clue how much stuff we have until we move

I hope you got some help.
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Margaret,

For 30 years I relied on my husband for almost everything. He graciously handled everything while I ran the business (and I ran it Very well). It was wonderful - ignorance IS bliss. Then the other shoe suddenly dropped when husband had 2 strokes. I was completely overwhelmed but survived the trial by fire. I wouldn't recommend this unless your inside is made of steel.

Luckily I made it through that incredibly steep learning curve, but in hindsight I think I would choose to do the *exact same thing*. (It was wonderful during those first 30 years.) And now I'm catching up on the mundane practicalities of living. It Can be done, but I wouldn't recommend it!
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My husband, now 71, had a near-fatal hemorragic stroke in late 2011. He spent about six months in a skilled nursing facility where he learned to walk again. He kept his mental acuity but needs help with all but one of the Activities of Daily Living. Once he came home, I enrolled him in a PACE program through which he gets medical care and some home health aide care. PACE programs are available across the country but participants must live within the service area. All that said, I had to take over all the house and financial business, try to hold onto my very good job (which I lost in 2015 as it became too difficult to balance job with home). That sounds awful but I did have a pretty good glide path, as by then I was eligible for Medicare and got enough freelance work to ease the transition. Anyway, I had a stroke myself in May of 2023 and if it weren't for one of our health care proxies and her husband jumping in to help get my husband into respite care with the help of the PACE program while the first responders were scooping me up off the floor, our story might have ended there and then. I decided to make sure our Will and Trust program had provisions for my husband to be taken care of in a facility if I were to be incapacitated or struck dead. In addition, I am utilizing a system of information for my Executors (I'm using a commercially available one called NOKBox). It has all the contact information for finance, utilities, what to do with the car, and pets. I need to figure out where to put it where it's safe. But trying to nail this down before I can't.
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Isthisrealyreal Sep 14, 2024
Con3ilI am so sorry that you had a stroke, reading this post sounds like you are doing well. Praise The Lord for that.

It is good to see you back. Great big warm hug!
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I think that rather than having to say, "no thanks", at first you say, "let's do this together". It's really important that everything can be done by all the adults in a house, and that children are taught, too.

Nobody knows what the future will bring.
I was often bedridden for weeks at a time, until I had spinal surgery in my early 40s, and I couldn't stand for long periods for a couple of years or more. My daughter already knew how to cook (helped me when little, then experimented on her own) and she did what was necessary. Her boyfriend (now, her husband) used to come round and would help her in the kitchen. They became a very good team. He'd never cooked before, but now he's a great cook!

I think that sharing responsibilities and chores is the best way to ensure that everyone is capable, no matter what happens.
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