I have been touring ALF with memory care units for my mom (63, Stage 5 Alz). I started now because I would like the move to be in ~6 months. So far I have her on wait lists at 2 places. One of them I LOVE, but the wait at both is ~12 months.
I have a tour at another place on Saturday and they tell me they have 2 openings right now. Now???? I wasn't ready for that. I was a little depressed at the thought of having to wait for 12 months, but wasn't quite ready for now.
What to do? Well, first I have to see if I like the place. If I do, I guess I could ask for the *next* opening, which hopefully won't be a year if I'm first on the list. But part of me wonders if I'll regret that. Mom has just gotten to the point where she cannot be left alone in the house at all. It's getting much harder to juggle everything.
Anyone have insight or experiences on when the right time is for a move like this?
Is there a refund if you change your mind about the 2nd ALF? Does the $500 waiting list fee go towards her expenses if she goes when a space becomes available?
I am so greatful for this forum b/c mom is in an ALF (since 4/29/10) and is still having trouble adjusting! She is a lifetime worry-wort and gets upset easily and calls me when it happens.
I have to tell her, and remind myself, that she is getting good care---care that she couldn't get when she lived alone in her home. I also have to remind myself that when she has a bad evening, that by morning, she is usually in much better spirits.
But none of this is easy!!
As I mentioned, it is an old converted building and not specifically designed for dementia care. It is 2 stories. Mom's room would be on the first floor (shared room, but HUGE with lots of windows). But the dining room and activity room are on the second floor. To get there, she would have to go down the hall, push the button for the elevator, get on, know to press 2, and get off on the 2nd floor (there are also buttons for basement, hold door open, closed, etc).
The activity room is at the end of the hall and is a nice room, but not really big or open. I imagine my mom liking to sit to the side and watch more than participate. You really can't do that there. If you don't want to participate, there are a couple of hallways with chairs and TVs, but they are completely separate.
I left there and talked it through with a friend. I said that if everything was the same but the layout was different that I would definitely say yes. I then went and toured another facility run by the same company. This one was new. One level, two hallways of rooms leading to a large, open living room with dining room. The contrast was significant. Of course, the newer place has no openings and a waiting list (and a $500 fee just to go on the waiting list!!).
I try to picture my mom in each place and "see" what she would do. At the place that has openings, she would be safe and I think the staff is good, but I can't picture her being happy like I can at some other places I've visited.
Need to talk this over with my brother, but right now I think we'll try keeping her at my house right now. If we can get a handle on the pacing and agitation, I think that will make it easier.
As far as the job I interviewed for, if I decide to keep mom here I am definitely not going to accept an offer. For the next year or so, it will be intense and very long hours. I knew that going into the interview, but learned a lot more about it. Not 100% sure I want the job now, but definitely not if Mom is still here.
Thanks for listening.
This is all I have been able to think about since they told me on Wed that they have immediate openings. Which is pretty funny since this afternoon I'll be interviewing for a new job. :-)
So far between my brother, myself, and caregiver, we are able to always have someone in the house. It's hard, but do-able. Unfortunately, mom's anxiety and constant pacing (talked about in another thread) is only getting worse. I'm definitely gonig to be upfront about this with the ALF because I need to know how they will handle it and not have her kicked out after a couple of months (I've been told that can happen).
I have several criteria - including the distance from my home and work, atmosphere, food, staff, ratio of caregivers, activities, layout of facility to avoid confusion (this one is in an old converted convent, so I'm not sure how well it will be laid out), if they keep people through end-of-life, and how they manage changing behaviors. If their *first* response is medication, they are off my list.
Thanks again for the advice!
I'd go ahead with it ... NOW. She's at Stage 5 and needs care and services that you can no longer provide no matter how hard you try. Someone might say "trust your heart," but the heart is fickle. Whether you place her or not, you'll always feel guilty and wonder if you're doing the right thing.
This really isn't about you and your feelings, but about what's best for Mom. If you see to it she gets what she needs, you'll sleep better at night. Still feeling a little guilty, but more or less at peace.
Good luck my friend, and keep us posted.
-- ED
The second facility, where mom is now living, is also very nice but twice as expensive!! I think it is under-staffed but I think that is true of most assisted living facilities. We enrolled mom in a 30 day trial (we paid a per day fee)and told her that we wouldn't sell her house unless she decided that she wanted to live at the facility. In less than 2 weeks, mom was begging me to bring her possessions from home b/c she wanted to live there. We did as she asked. Unfortunately, she has now questioned her decision and would like to go back to her "home" which is now empty of all furniture, repainted, carpetted, repairs made, etc and it's on the market for sale so she can afford to live where she is! She has forgotten about the anxiety and panic attacks she suffered when she lived alone and I have to gently remind her of it.
So-o-o, in answer to your question, it would depend upon how many assisted living facilities are available to you at your level of expectations, My #1 criteria other than it being clean and good patient care, was a close proximity to my house so that I could visit her 2 or 3 times a week, which I do. None of us is a fortune teller, so you won't know if there will be a bed for your mom in one year.
Perhaps the facility that has openings now could serve your mother until she works her way up the list at another facility you prefer, although transitions from home to ALF and from one facility to another can be stressful for many people.
Your presence will be one of the most important things to insure quality of care.
Most likely, but not definate, your Mom will resist making such a transition into an ALF, and this is common...But I would take the opportunity to make the move, ASAP...Everyone, in the long run will be better off for doing so.
Good luck with your decision-and if you have further doubts, contact your local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association, or your council on aging.
Best,
Hap