My 86 year old mother has dementia and often goes down memory lane, waaaaay back to the 1930's and 40's. Both of her parents died before she was six years old and she and her two siblings (both now deceased) were raised by an aunt. Mom often talks about all of her relatives who have passed away. She sort of goes to another place in her mind when talking about them and will talk about them for hours if we let her. We don't want to be disrespectful nor uncaring, but we just can't sit and listen to the stories over and over again. She'll even sometimes start crying while talking about her deceased relatives. Is it okay to just get up and walk away? Any suggestions would be appreciated.
By chatting with my uncle I got all sorts of interesting snippets the rest of the family didn’t know! Including whilst working in London, it wasn’t his pay that enabled him to visit his mum on occasion, but that of his flat mate - a randy sailor who’d give him money to go see his mum and vacate the premises so he could have his latest conquest there overnight! 🤣 his mum and sisters never knew !
By doing this it shows: 1 - you listened enough to ask for clarification, 2 - you validated her memories, 3 - you respect her as a person by thanking her, 4 - you have heard it before & enjoyed it but sometimes you can't just sit & share as much as you'd like to
to that part of Her Life. I read once that the oldest memories are the last to go.
I realised this when I had been caring for my Mother Who had alzheimers hence I kept bringing Moms mind back to that time which was the happiest time of Her Life. I made the time to listen because It really interested me. I asked umpteen questions which Mom enjoyed and loved to reply. She had that great gift of being able to coin a phrase, of putting words together in sentences to deliver a story very well. It is three and a half years since Moms passing and really do miss Her. We were not just Mother & Son but We were best Friends too and I felt so Blessed to have Mother in my Life, Rest in peace.
I agree that distraction therapy is best - I used yo get my dad to peel potato’s, or shell peas etc. He always thought the things he’d done tasted so much better - even though they weren’t always the ones used in the meal! Supervision is another good one. I used to pop the lens out of my glasses and ask dad to fix it for me anything that helps them feel useful still.
Do have some time for her recollections - however frustrating it’s when she feels she can contribute to the conversation. Then after a while try distraction - it does work
best of luck
My Dad is like this. He’s very social and loves to tell his stories that are quite delusional but have bits and pieces of family history. And he can go on and on......I can guide him a bit when I hear a familiar place or person but it takes some doing at his level of dementia. And I don’t correct him if he thinks great granddaddy is still alive. Just go with it.
When I get worn out with it I’ll tell dad I have to run to the store now.....Wife called, needs help.....Whatever. He’ll say, Well, drive careful!
Option D: involve her in whatever you have to do, like cooking or cleaning. Give her small tasks to do or ask her to supervise "have I missed a spot?" That would distract her and keep her busy and make her feel useful. At the same time, you would complete your work.
My mother worked in the atomic bomb plant in OakRidge, TN, that mined the uranium for the Hiroshima bomb. Of course it was all top secret and they had no idea what they were doing, only told how to go through the motions of their job. She was only able to describe it in very general terms. Last year, I learned of a book "The Girls of Atomic City" that describes exactly what my did and what the living arrangements were like, what that new town and closed society was like. I never thought to ask questions. How I wish I had!
We don't know what we don't know. Maybe try to get creative with the questions. Do some research so you have intelligent questions. And by all means, say "Mom, I need to do such and such right now, but when I come back, I'd like you to tell me about when Uncle Joe got home from the war." Whatever. Let her know you remember the stories and that the conversation will continue another time. Good luck. I know it's challenging!
Option B: If you don't have time, you can change the subject by telling her "We have to go out right now. Otherwise we will be late". Take her for a drive around the block. That usually breaks the cycle.
Option C: there are robots nowadays that listen to old people and talk to them especially on these tiresome memory trips. There is an Artificial Intelligence project going on.
https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-robot-that-could-revolutionise-home-care-for-elderly-people-stevie-us-a8068931.html
It is fine to walk away (do give a reason, and an assurance that you'll be back at some point, though).
You can also guide the recollections by prompting with questions. There are specialist dementia support workers called "locksmiths" who are skilled in helping people with dementia to access these memories. It isn't only good for emotional wellbeing, in having someone listen to them, but can also help workers reorient the person in the present day by leading them back from a familiar point to where they are now.
Do you have photographs, scrap books or any other materials that tie in with your mother's memories?
There was an elderly lady that came to our church and told her holocaust stories as if it were written by a famous author. I asked a friend to get her permission to record it. The lady has passed now, and I do miss her, and her stories. It never occurred to me that she had dementia and was ruminating, or something else.
She was not able to be interrupted though. And not able to be asked questions and give a specific answer. Such a lovely lady.
Think of it this way. A therapy appointment lasts only 45-50 minutes for a reason. Then the therapist says, "We have to stop now".
There should be no guilt.
Also, you can use some specific techniques to distract your Mom.
Think of it as not being a healthy or beneficial to Mom thing.
Other caregivers can give you ideas on how to distract her, when she goes off to that place in her mind.