When do I stop quarantine with mom?

You get the vaccine. You can't control what your mom does but you can protect her by getting the vaccine for yourself. Why is she not willing to get the vaccine? She is at risk. Is her medical doctor telling her not to get it or is this a ploy so you will have to stay home with her and not go see your daughter and grandson?

There are so many factors to consider, but let me tell you what my sisters and I are doing about COVID and Mom.

First, Mom does not live with any of us nor do any of us live with her. Nevertheless, we decided a year ago that those of us who would continue seeing Mom would behave exactly as if we all lived in the same house because if you spend much time together you end up sharing all your germs and viral matter. Two sisters continued seeing Mom in her home, two of us were "supporting characters" who would drop things off, etc., but would not go into Mom's house. Except for those 2 when we visited each other it was a "driveway pass" in which we would stand in a sister's driveway or walk around the yard with masks on and maintaining a distance of at least 6 to 10 feet. This may seem extreme but we all have medical conditions and Mom has a whole pile of them: heart disease, diabetes, stage 4 CKD, and lots of circulatory blockages. Given that medical history we decided that pretty much no risk was safe. We have all been quarantining for a solid year apart from a trip to the grocery at 6 am every two to four weeks (there is almost nobody in the store at that hour and we stay home between trips). Other than that we have done curb-side pickup and delivery. We have really become tired of those services, even though we are glad to have them.

Now that we are all fully vaccinated we have allowed ourselves some huge freedoms: I can now take Mom for rides again. We celebrated our first drive in the mountains this week. We are allowing ourselves to go to the drive-through at certain fast food places whose safety guidelines are acceptable. Just this week I had a tea for my mother and sisters on our deck. The chairs were pretty widely spread, there was a slight breeze, and we allowed ourselves to remove our masks while we drank our tea and ate our snacks.

What we are still not doing: going to any store during hours when it will be crowded, but only those stores that do not seem to attract those who ignore the safety guidelines. We are also not letting anyone into our homes just yet. Nor are we allowing ourselves close contact with anyone outside our bubble who is not as careful as we are. There are 2 of us who would be willing to allow family in our homes, but the others are still frightened of the consequences, so we are going along with the 2 who are the most careful. I have to admit, they have the highest risk factors, so I am willing to go along. As time goes on and we get more information on how many fully-vaccinated people get COVID we will change our behavior in response to the facts.

We all agree on this: Mom is unlikely to survive even the lightest case of COVID and it would be a very unpleasant death. Any of us who choose not to continue taking the precautions we have agreed upon is certainly welcome to opt out completely, but will no longer visit Mom. As I said, we all have medical conditions that make us very unwilling to risk the disease, so we are willing to go a few steps further than we otherwise might to give additional protection to our 96 year old mother.

That is what works for us. You should decide what you want to do based on what is best for you and your mother. It sounds like your Mom is definitely not someone who could hope that a light case would leave her unaffected. Do not let younger family members' attitudes push you into doing anything you might regret. They are normally not at high risk and often have little empathy for those who are at high risk.

I would let her choose her level of risk that she is willing to take. There is no way to guarantee that she will not catch covid somehow, no matter how careful you are. The vaccine is not without risk. Does she feel like, hey I'm 82 and I'm going to die in the next X years so I'm OK with taking my chances? If so, honor that and go back to your normal life. Anyone that does not agree can either not visit her or mask up or social distance or whatever they need to do to be comfortable.

I would at this point discuss this with the family. Are they will to wear masks? Have they received Covid Vaccines? Have they been exposed to Covid recently? Are they willing to get tested before visiting? Don't try to control everything all by yourself. Let the family know what your expectations and concerns are for your Mom.

Your Mothers health is a vital concern, I agree. But her emotional health must be taken into consideration too. How does she feel about not seeing any family, she loves them too. She is already 82 and not going to get younger. When both Dad and then Mom reached a certain point in the getting old process, the doctors and I both agreed, let them have what ever as they are not going to be younger. Nor do we know just how much time they have left on this earth.

Making sure every one that wants to visit does so with respect and safety is first on your request list, but let them visit. Hoping this helps put some of this in perspective. Keeping her alive is wonderful, but allowing her family is also important.

Good luck, prayers, and God Bless.

Your mother has made her decision. Now you need to make yours. Are you vaccinated? If you are, then that provides some protection for her indirectly. I would stop the quarantine as long as positivity rates in your area are low. When people visit, mom can spend time in her room and you can air out the rest of the house after your guest(s) leave. Also, CVS (and Walgreen's) offer a quick Covid test at low cost. Your visitors could test before entering your home. Of course, if you have an outdoor area to visit, you can do that now. Anyone needing to use the restroom can mask up for that. You can't live in quarantine forever.

Imho, if it were my mother, I would carefully weigh all of her health issues before proceeding with getting her vaccinated.

What a challenge for you.

Have you had the opportunity to be vaccinated? What about your other family members?

I would not put my life on hold for someone who refuses to have a vaccine.

And I know that the vaccine does not infer full immunity. My Aunt has had her first vaccine and this week was diagnosed with Covid. Sadly my Mum gave her a ride the other day and now has to isolate for 2 weeks. Mum will get a test on Tuesday, a week after her exposure or sooner if she starts to have symptoms.

Why in the world doesn't she want the vaccine? Especially with her already having breathing issues. It appears you are saying she is of sound mind, so it's time to have a talk with her.

You want to see your kids and her resistance to a vaccine is keeping you in quarantine. You don't want her to catch something that has the potential of her ending up on life support - how does she feel about that? Does she want to be intubated or does she want to decline that sort of care. . . you need to know the answer to that in case her current problems get worse or if she does catch covid and things go badly. I would have the dr talk to her about it, too. Perhaps so much confusion on the news has contributed to her resistance. At any rate, tell mom you can't handle any additional ailments for her and you are ready to visit with other relatives (who are vaccinated) again. Maybe tell her she might not want it for some reason, but you would appreciate her doing it for YOU because you've been cut off long enough. Slap a little guilt icing on that cake.

For many reasons that I will not go into here, my immediate family, to include my 82 year old mother, do NOT wish to get the vaccine and we've even had covid deaths and covid illnesses within our family and friends. Some who died had cancer and we are thankful that the Lord took them before they had to suffer much longer with cancer. Some who survived but were very sick still do not want the shot, including my FIL. My mom has stated more than once without me bringing it up that she doesn't want the shot. She does get her pneumomia shot which I think helps (we've had more than one pneumomia death- to include an 18 year old uncle). I'll continue to do what I've always done for many many years- give it to the Lord as well as keep immune system strong, keep hands clean and away from face, use hand sanitizer and if anyone is sick or having any sick symptoms, they need to stay home and I do the same.
Nevertheless, you need to do what you feel best for you and your family. Go with what your gut tells you to do. Wishing you peace in whatever decision you make!

1. Check out the CDC guidelines.
2. Talk to your mom's doctor about quarantine guidelines.
3. Realize that when people are faced with a new and confusing situation, they tend to minimize the danger and stick with what they know. Your mother may not understand how germs work anymore. There are all these new rules about quarantining, wearing masks... Now you want her to go somewhere unknown and get a vaccine for something she doesn't understand, but has turned her world upside down. No wonder she is balking. If you can stage it that she visits her doctor for a regular visit, and he tells her he is recommending all his patients get this vaccine, plus she can get it right at his office, which should be happening soon, that would be something she is used to, and she might agree. Preferably the Johnson & Johnson because it is one shot and done.

Personally speaking, I would find a way to make her have the vaccine. That is insane. Let her know what she is going to lose and why if she refuses. Perhaps it is time to place her so you can lead a good, normal life.

When you look back on these years and years to come- what will you think?
Regret how you missed family?
Be happy you had her in a non-germ environment?
The covid has not just effected people physically who had it but mentally to those who are shut off from life.
You have to define your story. You have grandchildren. What will give you less regret later ?

Well, you ask what we would do if it was our own mom and she refuses to take the vaccine. She is keeping you from your own child and grandchild, all because she won't take the vaccine. That is incredibly selfish of her. If I am her caregiver, she's getting that vaccine whether she wants to or not. Period. Full stop.

For my family and extended family of over 50+ individuals all of us chose to get the vaccine because of my Mom who turned 87 yrs old this month.
When the pandemic started I took her home with me. All the visitors had to meet with her outside on the porch. That included my children/grandchildren. Yes, she was having a really hard time not understanding why no one was visiting at first.
When it was time to get her vaccine, she didn't question us, she trusts us enough to know what's good for her.
She is with my sister now because I've gone back to work and my sister is still working remote. When we get someone to help care for her, we will require a vaccine.
We have always been very protective of her even before the pandemic. Staying away from her when we could possibly have the flu or a bad cold. Asking my coworkers to stay away from me or asking them to go home if they were sick because I have my Mom at home.
Make sure that there is an understanding with those who visit that you trust them to take care of themselves thus taking care of you and your Mom. They need to be mindful of their social activities and who they socialize with along with washing their hands and wearing their mask.
Trust me- no one wants to live the rest of their lives feeling guilty of harming a family member. Some of my friends learned that lesson too late!

Of course, that is my story. Most elderly individuals do well with the vaccine. Maybe it's because we've lived longer and didn't worry so much about germs when we were growing up and our immune system is in some way stronger. Your Mom will only be protected by everyone else. If the rest of the family is protected then that's the best you can do. Hiding out is not good for you either (emotionally).

Have protocols for protection. Do what you can. If you all agree, encourage everyone else to get vaccinated. Tell people to stay away when they are sick.
Stay safe! GOD BLESS!

PS- My family got together the first time on Mom's birthday. It was great.

Because she has pre-existing health problems and won’t get the vaccine, she is putting herself at great risk.

Nursing homes are opening because all their residents and employees are vaccine protected.

As long as you are vaccine protected, you should meet people away from the house. You may have to hire someone to stay with your mom if she is not safe to stay alone.

Perhaps you should get the vaccine to protect her? Once you have the vaccine I hope that it makes you continue your life as it was because if you don’t then what is the point of getting the vaccine? I would recommend for your mother to get the pneumonia vaccine if she doesn’t get it every 5years already. The pneumonia vaccine has been around since the 50’s or 60’s and you can be as young as 2yr old to get this vaccine and it’s recommended for seniors anyway. The reason I say this is because Covid can develop pneumonia and it often does especially if you have existing conditions and that is what her age group is dying from, pneumonia not covid! My personal experience my paternal grandmother is 99 she got covid, she gets her pneumonia vaccine every 5years she has diabetes, and heart issues. My grandmother lived because she never developed pneumonia! So see if she’ll get the pneumonia vaccine and you should get it as well. If she doesn’t want to get that either that’s fine, it is her choice. Furthermore have people over and perhaps visit outdoors, but indoors is fine as long as no one is coughing or sneezing, take temperatures and have them wash hands before they come in, give them a new paper mask (u don’t know where their masks has been and if they touch it their hands are now contaminated) and have hand cleaner handy so they can keep their hands clean throughout their visit. They can leave their personal items at the front door including their phones (unless u give them a wipe to clean their phone) Make sure your moms hands are clean at all times as well and wipe down things when they leave and use paper items you can dispose of, if you eat together. My maternal grandma whom I care for is 98 and that is what we do for her. Good luck and know this, fear can’t be trusted and the only fear you should have is the fear of God.

My opinion - until all can be vaccinated - you, visitors, mom - follow nursing home protocols for visits - in Florida outdoor visit 6 feet apart and masked - no touching. For closer visits indoors (essential caregiver visits), same day testing for visitors, temperature taken, hand washing before entering building, fresh clean medical type mask - touching optional, but I would say no to this.

ask your mom why she doesn't want it. I would try to get a clear list of things she is afraid of, then give this list to the doctor she trusts the most and then set up a tele-health so she can hear the doctor's reply. this worked for my father. sometimes parents don't want to listen to the adult child/caregiver.

Be aware that the Pfizer and Moderna (mRNA) are a different type of vaccine than the flu vaccine. My father cannot get the flu vaccine bc of particular health conditions, but can get the mRNA. the Johnson and Johnson is the same type of vaccine as the flu vaccine, so he couldn't take that one.

I don't think it is productive for responders on this post to criticize how you have chosen to live the past year. It is none of their business. You did what you felt was right for you and your mother - you are an amazing caregiver to keep her safe. Your family should also respect your decisions.

The fact that all of your family works with the public would make me uneasy as well. You are the one who has to worry. You are the one who needs to keep not only your mother safe, but keep yourself safe too. What happens to her if you get it? I have felt, this entire time, that if I am gauging my mother's safety on other people's level of care with the virus I'm not allowing anyone but medical people to come in here, and that is only with their protective gear on. That's what I've done since last March. Last month my siblings were vaccinated and now they have been coming BUT the hospice nurse told me, in no uncertain terms, that they need to wear their masks because they could still carry the virus to my mother. She said "I have seen too much with this virus and you do not want your mother to die that way after all of this."

I can tell you what I would do. Both my mother, hubby and I are NOT getting the vaccine for reasons that I don't have to explain. This is what I would do IF it were my mom: However, IF you can get your mother on the porch and have people keep their distance with THEIR masks on, it should be okay, but that is a personal preference. When my one daughter/family came for Christmas, they kept their masks on in the house except for eating. It didn't bother me but that was their preference. Now when I go to visit them at their house, they don't put masks on neither do I but we keep our 3 to 6 feet distance. Yes I miss hugging my granddaughter/grandson, but it is what it is right now. Ask your mother how she feels about having visitors on the porch with NO hugging, touching but keeping distance and they have their masks on. if she wants that, then let it be like that. wishing you luck in your decision.

My mom is is 90, diabetic and on oxygen, having had 2 heart attacks about 3 years ago. She sounds in bad shape with all that, but she is actually in pretty darn good health for that. My father died last February, right before COVID hit (thank goodness he didn't have to live through any of this mess...it would have been more awful for him than for many people). The minute the AL place said they were going to quarantine all the residents in their rooms for 2 weeks, my mom called and said to get over there pronto and get her "the hell out of here" (and she doesn't generally cuss). She met me at the door with a small bag of her essentials and we brought her home. She has not gone back. We made the decision early on that she didn't have a whole lot of life left, and that COVID might kill her, but isolation absolutely WOULD kill her and make her miserable along the way. So we were all careful, but we have continued to see her. She lives with my sister and BIL and my family comes and goes pretty freely from her home. At this stage of the game, she is going out here and there with friends, mostly to their homes for lunch. We have a caregiver who comes in during the day, and she lives with a multi-generational family. Mom didn't think she needed the vaccine, because she says she is prepared for death, but we convinced her to take it because we said that's not the way we want her to die, isolated from us and in a terribly painful way. That's a long way of saying that I'd stop the quarantine. But everyone approaches these things differently, so do what feels right to you and yours. Peace and best wishes with whatever you decide.

I know you are trying to protect your Mom. That being said, it sounds like she is at the end stage of her life and I would think she would want contact with friends and Family. Living in fear of is NOT how anyone should live the last years of their life.She doesnt want the vaccine and that is her choice. You are not in control of whether she lives,or dies anyway.God is.Let your Mom decide how much contact she wants and let it be.

to those lucky enough to have escaped covid and think it is nothing to worry about god must love you more than the 560,000 plus of all ages who have died, and thousands living with long term effects. now that the numbers are coming down its easy to say "what was the fuss about".

I have already commented on this post early on, but just received this from my daughter, and thought I'd share, as I thought it fit well with this discussion.

"Fear does not stop death. It stops life.
And worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles.
It takes away today's peace."

I’m caregiver to my 97 yo mom. She’s in good health. She will not take the vaccine... nor does she take the flu shot. She seldom goes to the dr... they only want to experiment on old people.😂 I did not quarantine mom. The lock down would have put her into severe depression, and we would have lost her. So, I taught her the proper use of masks, and keep wipes & sanitizer on hand. We took walks, rides, and shopped. She remained happy & safe. We had an early Christmas with our son & kids. By the time we left, our son was showing signs of COVID... tested positive the next day. Although we had to quarantine and put Christmas with the family off until 1/9, we never got the virus. Moms mental health...and ours...was extremely important to us. We lived our lives, and made memories. I realize you have other health concerns, but the virus has slowed down. It’s time to live again!

You don’t say why Mom is refusing the vaccine and it is too bad given her lungs and heart are already compromised but as long as she fully understands the possible consequences, ultimately it is her choice.

What you can control is what you do, if you and your daughter, any family old enough are vaccinated there is no reason for you not to see them. You can decide how important Mom getting vaccinated is to you and make it a condition for her to see them but if it were me and she was that steadfast against it, personally I would simply require masks in her presence even with vaccinated visitors and know you are doing all you can do to keep her safe while helping everyone’s mental health and enjoyment of each other again.

I don’t know where you are but the infection rate of your area would be my marker for how wide a net of visitors I would cast if that’s a factor at all but again you can’t keep yourself or your mom in a bubble forever. You have done a great job of it thus far but now that we have a way out or at least to broaden that use reasonable precaution rather than fear to do that. Life is all about checks and balances, risk vs reward and as long as you are doing everything you can to minimize the risk take the reward!

Your mother is very vulnerable, so you are right to take precautions. If it's a mixed group (unvaccinated and vaccinated), continue to wear masks, socially distance, wash/sanitize hands and follow disinfecting protocols. Keep windows open for fresh air as much as possible if the visit is indoors. Outdoors is safer. Can she meet up with relatives outside? Even then, if some are unvaccinated it's safer to wear masks and socially distance. It also depends on the community rate of infection in your area, and where your visitors are coming from. If the community rate is low, it's safer. When the community rate is high, it's better to avoid visitors as much as possible. It's rare, but even asymptomatic vaccinated people can test positive with covid and can be spreaders. This is a very sneaky disease!

What I will share was our family decision; may not be right for you. We took my dad (aged 90) out of assisted living/MC 8 weeks after it started. The total lockdown & isolation it created had him at a point he wouldn’t get out of bed and began refusing meals. We own Apts and quickly adapted a 1-Br for him. He was also on hospice & wheelchair bound. Dad cried and told us he’d rather die than spend any more time in “the loneliest place on earth.” We hired 24-7 help and I was around a ton to see things went well. We checked temps. of anyone coming in & allowed family in to visit wearing masks. Dad got hugs, kisses on the forehead, saw family, ate meals with caregivers at a table again. He was so happy! His hospice nurse came to him. We had groceries delivered, so outside contact was minimal. We put bird feeders out front and he’d take walks and sit out front in the sunshine. Our plan was that I alone would stay with him if he got covid and we’d make it or not, but no one would die alone. My dad lived an additional ten months happily enjoying holidays with close family, watching ballgames with grandchildren and feeling some independence again. It was the right choice for us. We’ll all die one day; for our family it’s about how we live! I’d do it again.

If she is doing face time with her doctor then quarantine is over with precautions. Still need to be careful, mask must be worn by people living in the house and the visitors people.

Depends on where you live. In my area deaths are very low and vaccine is open to everyone. If it were my mother I would let anyone vaccinated in. You can't let the pandemic go on forever.

Since mom will not take the vaccine, ask everybody else to get the vaccine. Her room should be a mask-free area. She should probably wear a face mask when she is out of her room, because there is a slight risk she could still develop COVID-19 or another respiratory illness from exposure to you. Let visitors visit on the porch, especially from meals. She can keep a facemask off is she is in open air and socially distanced from others. I would also suggest that you allow others to help care for her once in a while in your home so you can get out to see others.