I seem to be asking myself this quite often these days. I haven't come up with a satisfying answer yet.
Is it because its the right thing to do and I'm being a good daughter?
Is it because I made a promise to my mother that I would never put her in a home?
Is it because I don't need a life or don't think enough of myself?
Is it because I don't want to spend the family trust on getting extra help?
Then there is the B side
What if she lives to be in her 90's?
What will my life be like then?
Have I made the wrong choice and is there a compromise?
What about my relationship? Will he be still healthy enough to do things when this is done?
Will I still be healthy enough to do things when this is done?
What about how my life will be like 5-10 years from now?
Will I have enough money to live?
Will Social Security pay me enough to survive since i stopped working to take care of Mom?
What about me?
Do you ever ask yourselves these types of questions? If so, I would love to know I'm not the only one.
Please share your thoughts and comments. =0)
I was lucky i was I was never on the fence about my mom coming to live with me and my husband. I knew it would have been an unmitigated disaster. I never made promises I knew would be a hardship for me to keep.
Of course there are compromises. Research Home Health Care. See how often Medicare will allow for someone to come in and give you a break. If brother hasn’t stepped up by now, he probably won’t. He’s content to let you do all the work. It could be though, that if you say to him that you will use the “family trust” to place Mom, he may get off his behind and help. Maybe he’d be willing to stay with Mom for a weekend so you and BF could have a getaway.
Cant help you with the finances though. We are in dire straits. Social Security just doesn’t cover our expenses. If Mom has a bit of money, you may want to ask a financial advisor about investing.
its no shame to get therapeutic counseling. Talking it out face to face with a therapist can really help.
does someone expect mothers care to be 'easy' and therefore doesn't involve payment or cost?
And yes, you do need to look at your own future and consider providing for it. And of course the money your mom has should be used to pay for her care. None of your questions are wrong at all, it’s just a matter of what you’ll do to make changes and things better for all involved
Please remember we have no promise of tomorrow. My uncle retired early because his wife was a few years older and had a health issue that threatened her life and mobility. They landscaped the backyard together, went on several bus and boat tours around the US and Canada, attended basketball tournaments and in general spent some quality time together. He was focused on doing this while she still could. One day the whites of my uncle eye's were tinted yellow; within a week we knew he had stage 4 pancreatic cancer; less than 2 months later he was dead at age 66. My aunt outlived him by 14 years.
What happens if your mother (like 30-40% of home care receiving patients) outlives you? Being depressed and stressed out compromises your own health and increases the likelihood of this outcome.
I promised my mother she could live with me as long as we could make that work but if the day ever comes when she needs 24/7 medical attention, then I would find a good NH and make sure she has good care. From your profile it sounds to me like your mother has reached the point I had in mind when I discussed NHs with my mother. I urge you to consider finding a good placement for your mother and switch from direct care giving to being an active advocate and frequent visitor.
Check out your estimated SS income on the SSA website: https://www.ssa.gov/benefits/retirement/estimator.html