What to do when parent either can't or won't socialize with others?

back a year or two ago when my mother was still able to live in her own home with my every day personal care, I signed her up for transfer to the local senior center. I would go to her house, roust her out of bed and sheep herd her through a breakfast, dressing and then wrassle her out the door to be picked up. Complaining ALL the way down the walk. I would come back to her house and wait for her bus and she would come off the bus STILL fuming. After a few days, I called the center and spoke to the director, who told me that they had tried multiple times to engage her and that she refused and sat and played solitaire till the bus showed up. About a year after that, I signed her up for adult daycare. I would wrangle her out of bed and drive her to their secure center. Crafts, treats, bus rides and occasional live music. Every time I would pick her up afterwards, she would have NOTHING to say. Nothing. Asked the staff how it was going and they said that one time they got her on the bus ride and when she got back she announced that that was that and she didn’t need to go on ANY MORE bus rides. Basically she stood apart from the activities and waited for me to pick her up.

But, she got out. She got to be in a different environment and used to the idea that there were things she was going to have to do, like it or not. Was she happy? Nope. It wasn’t about her having a good time it was about her being safe and in a happy stimulating environment, eating treats and supervised by professionals.

Oh my gosh, so very glad I happened to find this thread today. I've been researching non- smart phone taxi services, "faux friends" to hire from Care.com or any other background checked help site so she might have an occasional companion to drive her to Dr or grocery or even lunch. I even wrote the local colleges looking for kids needing volunteer hours. She loves young people but is kind of afraid or intimidated by her peers now.

The faux friend has to be under 65 or she is uncomfortable. I think her withdrawal from her "peers" has to do with her lack of confidence since she and my Dad were linked at the hip since they were 18. Daddy passed in '18 and her depression is always there. Her Dr gave her an antidepressant but it made her dizzy and she fell in her IL apt. Took 3 months for her to not be dizzy and walk without a cane. Bit afraid to go that route again.

Ideas I've had (besides the hired faux friends)are to set up a sign up genius with any her friend's names (I don't know anyone here) and request phone calls or short visit's or lunch dates...I'd explain she will try to say no, if you get her out you might need to do most of the talking, don't tell her about this being an organized effort and above all be patient if she forgets something or is quiet, maybe figure out the bill as she is having trouble with tip lately. Worth a try maybe.
I thought about a pet for company. She won't allow dog toenails on her floor. 1) not her floor at life care and 2) every other apartment in her condo has a dog 25lbs bigger than the size I'm thinking of. Pets really help but she won't do it. She loves pets.
Trying to get her to "garden" on her patio. Nope, dirt might get on patio, what? She loved working in yard. That was her favorite pastime. I tried to suggest getting a plot in the community garden she can piddle in. Nope, community. She is afraid to do the wrong thing or plant the wrong flowers in her own little box.

I am so frustrated because I am "camping" in this town/state since I came "temporarily" to help them downsize to a Life Care Community days after my divorce. I need her to try so I don't feel so bad going home. I did say why don't you move or come with me. Nope, never leaving this town. OK...I think I have to.

Mom and Dad loved their condo but hated every other part of living in this new place. Not joiners! They used to love to go out to dinner and dance. They would groan if someone knocked on their door at their home or the new one. Uninvited company to their "island' was a dreaded event. I don't want to be part of this isolated island anymore. I need to step out for a while and come back to visit.

Now, after Dad fell and declined til he passed in '18...no one comes or calls because they were so private. Mom won't call her friends of 45 years, or the younger friends she has known.

She continuously says she doesn't want to impose on anyone...I look at her and ask -except me?. I wake up crying. Miss Dad, miss my friends across the country and am very stressed about having so much on my plate to begin again, I haven't had time to even think of getting over my last chapter because so much to do now for them. Not helping is that I am not using good coping skills. Ive gained about 30 lbs since arriving. My fault I know but I'm having trouble turning it around.
I also have an over 45 brother who my folks have babysat for his whole life. He does live here and has for 35 years. Only came to see Dad 2x in the 10 months he was sick. My Mom worries about him 24/7. Pretty irritating. Needless to say he and I are not getting closer.

I am mad at Mom 98% of the time and I think I'm grieving Dad, my former life, family and also sad because I know she is not going to be here forever.... so the guilt hangs heavy even feeling this way. She has so much to offer. I am sad and disappointed that both my folks just quit and wanted me to be their only FT support and cheerleader when I've lived 2000 miles away for 45 years!

My mother was a social butterfly. Sometimes this backfired on her when she forgot or wouldn't tell the doctor what was ailing her because she was so busy socializing.

Please allow me to vent today. I'm visiting my mom who doesn't socialize either. When she moved into this very nice senior apartment building, a lady on her floor invited her into her apartment to look at it since there were no vacancies. She would visit everyone on the floor and decorate the halls at Christmas. Very kind.
She's now 70, my mom 86. The lady has been very sick, but my mom refuses to go down the hall to even knock on her door. She says she's "younger than I am." SMH
She just sits here everyday and complains about her arthritic pain.
I'm generally patient and sympathetic, but today I am just irritated at her selfishness and self centeredness (something she has been all of her life).
Just visit when you can. I just say, "I dunno" where she asks why my siblings or children don't call.
You can't change people.

Maybe she is adjusting to the place? I do not know how long she's been there, I don't think you mentioned it, but all I know that it takes some time for people, maybe longer for others, to adjust to the new environment. Big hugs, because I had a dad that was like that (Complained a lot , didn't socialize that much with the other residents and didn't participate in some of the activities.)

My mom claims to be a loner. She's always happy to see me though. And she is pleasant when there is only one conversation happening at a time. She's in assisted living and when too many people are in a room, she leaves. Small groups are fine for her. I think large groups confuse her, even if a conversation is happening in the next room that she can hear. I'm not sure if it's dementia though. I remember her kind of always being this way.

We want our loved ones to be happy and make our own brains crazy trying to figure it out for them. Your mom seems to have determined she is not going to be happy. In a situation such as hers perhaps she needs to hire someone to be with her for a few hours every day. Not you. That person can bring different conversations to her and get her out of her own thoughts. What about a cat too? Someone for her to take care of.

Good job in saying NO! It sometimes is difficult, because we want to help, but often is necessary. It usually gets easier, with practice, so practice, Practice, PRACTICE!!!

Happiness does come from within - it can be achieved when one participates in activities that one likes, but if she doesn't have any that she likes or can't do anymore, so be it. You can try to engage her in a class, or joining in a Senior Center activity and/or meal, but if she refuses, move on. Our mother started self-isolating, who knows why. She used to go to SC activities and the free or very low cost meals offered at the SC with friends from the condo area (55+), but started making excuses or just not showing up. For her it was probably partly the dementia and partly her hearing problem, but she wouldn't go. Her friends and even some who worked at the SC tried to encourage her to go and enlist her friends, but nothing doing! We would also hear the "don't get out", "nothing to do here", "boring looking at the same 4 walls everyday", etc, but encouraging her to get out or invite friends over, or suggesting AL, nope. If asked what she wanted to do, she might say 'go out and have a pizza.' Oh excitement - be still my beating heart!!!

Is there anything she used to do that might spark some interest? If not, you can only offer what's out there and if she refuses, that's her choice. SC should have a newsletter with upcoming activities - can you get that sent to her, or pick it up and leave it for her? I recall your post about her driving and getting a new license in PA - where would she go when she still drove? Would any of those places help?

If not, misery loves company, could you find someone else who is also miserable to come visit with her? Then they could kvetch together! Maybe even hiring the most miserable aide you can find might work - they can BMC together!

If nothing works, have cameras for monitoring and you do what YOU like to do. It isn't your job to make her happy, and even if it was, it isn't likely to happen anyway. Find your own outlets and don't even make excuses for not going - just no, I'm busy, I'll be there later (with NO indication of when later is.) Hopefully if you get better at pushing back and limiting access you can get off the meds too! It won't likely change anything for her, but if you limit time with her, the negatives won't be as bad for you!

Be on the lookout for a facility, as living alone won't last. Rental income, if you go that way, can help pay for the AL place. We could have done rental too, but not being local to me I didn't want to take on being landlord along with everything else I have to do! I manage everything else for mom, bros are mostly useless, so that would have been dumped on me - no thanks! In your case, it is local and due to monetary concerns, selling it probably isn't the best option. In our case, it worked out well, as this was the only 55+ on the market in that area and we had a bidding war! EC atty fees (it was a life estate) sucked up quite a bit, but when all said and done, we got at least the original asking price! Let the doctor (hopefully on board), or someone else be the bad guy when the time comes.

Mom is who she is. You can't change her, only yourself and how you react to her. Limited access and walking away if she starts something you don't want to deal with are what you can control. Time to take control of yourself! Work on YOUR happiness!!!

Make an appointment with her physician and go with her. It sounds like depression and she is manipulating you with passive aggressive behavior for attention. She may need antidepressants and therapy. Get some therapy too in order to deal with her behavior issues.

My mother used to be the social one, even though she has been clinically depressed her whole adult life. When dementia set in, she became less social and stopped doing the activities she always loved. It got to the point that my dad agreed to move to IL hoping the activities would help her. It did not.
As her dementia got worse, she could not follow directions at activities or keep up with conversations, so unless my dad was there to help, she could not participate. She has no motivation to do anything but eat, read watch TV a d. funny enough, get her nails done because then she gets compliments. Yes, she is a narcissist.
I believe that along with the inability to understand information, the part of her brain that controls motivation died...not uncommon with dementia.
I finally gave up...we simply let her do what she wants. She has my dad for now, but that could change at a moment's notice as his kidneys are failing.
If that happens, we will place mom in a beautiful care home with ten residents where they will take her to a activities automatically and bring her to meals.
At some point, your mom will need to be placed in a facility or come live with you... so be sure you have the financial resources for that.
Good luck

EP, have you just taken her to a lunch at the senior community center?

I would tell her that we are going to lunch and you have a new place picked out that you are going to try and just do it. If she refuses to get out of the car, take your keys and let her sit and pout while you go enjoy a nice lunch meeting new people. I would do this once a week and as soon as she made a friend I would stop participating and let her fly solo with it.

My dad is finally making agreeable noises about going to the senior center. I just keep telling him, when he starts saying he doesn't get out enough or doesn't have anyone to do things with, dad, I think that you will be pleasantly surprised by who you will meet at the senior community center. I bet you find someone or a couple of men that would like to ____. This has been going on since 2017, I have felt like a nag, but it is finally making progress. Yippee! I am believing that he will have new friends to play with before summer hits.

Keep giving her the solution and learn some clever comebacks for her ugly comments.

It is okay to tell her that she shouldn't say anything if she can't say something nice. Let her get angry, maybe she will see that it doesn't work and she will try to be nice. Can't hurt anyway, she is already being ugly and difficult.

You can do this! I remember your 1st post and I think that you are doing a great job for her. Whether she sees it or agrees doesn't change the fact that you have stepped up to help her when she was never there for you. I think it must get stuck in some people's craw when they're being help by an adult child that they treated awfully when they were children. I would think it makes them feel ashamed and then they bite us instead of appreciating what is being done for them.

My Dad was a total tool. Very hard to tolerate. Dementia too

what I did was to bring in another caregiver. But, she was introduced as just someone who would help get the place organized. I was there. After a couple hours I offered my Dad some ice tea...also the new person.

we sat around and just chatted. After a bit of time I “had” something else to do...left them to chat,

after the second day, my Dad mentioned he doesn’t get to go to Walmart hardly at all...she offered to take him.

the next day they were friends, That weekend he missed her a lot. After that, he barely noticed if I was around or not.

it solved two problems. First, he would not accept anyone but me as caregiver...so he got a “friend”....second he had someone to hang out with, and go places with.

she was a gem

How l long ago was the Wellbutrin started? It usually takes 4 to 6 weeks to reach therapeutic levels. Perhaps it's not the appropriate medication for her. If there is a geriatric psychiatrist in your area, I would suggest an evaluation for medication. Are there any activities that she enjoyed in the past? I think your setting boundaries and having limited contact with her is good for your mental health. Is she a church goer? Maybe someone from her religious affiliation can reach out and invite her to an activity. Maybe aging and adult services will have some ideas as well. Good luck. Depression along with dementia is so difficult to deal with as a family member.

Yes exhausted piper, we would love to have you share the recipe, I know that my brother would love it! Thanks!

You say "Living by me...." so I hope she isn't living WITH you. I thinkyou need to withdraw more. You say she isn't your life partner, but actually you are acting as her life partner, or even as the servant to her boss. I would remove myself. If you need to have a fiduciary appointed to manage her finances do so. Tell her that you no longer feel up to it, and are sorry to act so inadequate, but that you aren't up to it. When she isn't in a good mood, leave. You aren't responsible for her mood and you cannot fix it. Not everything is about "happy all the time". Her happiness is not your job description.

eek! This sounds really familiar somehow. I have become my mothers significant other also. As well as her 12 year old daughter again. Constant criticizing and complaining.

As I look back I see that Dad and Mom were stuck together like glue, Mom was the controller, so now she controls me. Instead of reacting to the buttons she pushes I am trying to learn to analyse what she needs vs what she wants.

Changing my perception helps, for instance she says I need to give up my community garden plot, I think it is none of her business, as queen of my life I get this luxury. (Sanctuary and away time for me.) A lot of the demands I can gloss over, some I have to choose whether it is worth fighting for. Pick the battles that are worth it.

And if she has dementia, know the problem is not you, her brain is changing. You can't reason with dementia, it is a disease.

I suggest informing her of opportunities for socializing, rather than trying to convince her. Same with opportunities for activities like exercise class etc. Maybe as the mes kick in, she might show some interest or she just might not want to do these things, The truth is that some people won't be happy regardless. I'm hearing that you need time on your own. Take it. Your mother does not really need you for 24/7. I understand why you want to lie to her to get away, but consider this: She is going to be unhappy regardless of whether you are there are not. Go see a movie. Don't feel guilty. Enjoy it. Go to a water aerobics class. Enjoy it. Go to church.Join a group there. Volunteer somewhere. You are correct that you are not her partner in life. You don't need to be there to hear the litany of her misery all day long. Why do you feel guilty for taking care of your own needs?

Wow! I think you're going to need some professional advice on this one. If nothing else you can get the help dealing with it personally. Is there another medication that you can put her on that will help? If she can be left alone volunteering or getting a job would get you away from her during the day. Can you get financial help it she goes to a personal care home?
You sound really stressed but maybe it's time to stand up to Mom, sell the condo, move her out, and rent a one bedroom apartment so she had no alternative but to live where she can get the professional care she sounds like she needs.
I'm so sorry your going through this. Make sure you take care of yourself mentally and physically. If you don't mom is left alone anyway.
I'll pray for you 🙏.

I would say if she is ok being alone then it shouldn't be a problem. But she isn't ok she sounds miserable. Has she always been antisocial, or just in her old age? I don't know, maybe you could hire a companion for her. She most probably will resist it at first, but hopefully she will grow to accept it. Good luck

Exhausted Piper...this is important...what is Rueben Chowder?

Now onto the other issue. I am wondering about my Aunt & Uncle, they are like glued at the hip, she won't go anywhere without him and the only contact they have is with family. They have been snowbirds in Florida for 5 years, rent one of my places, tons of activities in the park , they have not attended 1 thing, nada. They say that they are not joiners. I really wonder what is going to happen when one of them dies. They have no friends, their entire lives rotate around each other and their family.

My step father and his wife are the same way, no life outside of each other. They are in AL, he attends nothing, sometimes she goes and watches a movie...by herself! Big step!

I am beginning to wonder if it is a generational thing, the little women just follows the lead of her husband, has no ability to formulate a life of her own and when he dies she is lost.

I agree with the others, you are not her entertainment committee, let her sit, maybe she will then reach out. Good Luck!

I have changed my approach with my Dad. I used to get excited but then had an epiphany. I spoke to him about the seriousness of his dementia and my doing my best to help. He has begun cooperating.
Try to change an expected behavior on your part. Also, taking her to the center and joining her would be a good thing to try. You could tell her it’s a one off and see how it goes.
i think fear of speaking and going out play a huge role.

All this is good advice. You need to live your life and control her part in it. Even people who were very social seem to lose that ability/interest as dementia moves in. And they don’t seem able to just “go to the senior center”. If they could go every day, there are sociable people there but it would probably take a few visits. One thing might be special senior events like concerts or holiday lunches where everyone is there for an event. But people who were not social before certainly don’t start when they are old.
I started quilting about 4 years about. I love it. And it is a great social outlet but for you. Not for here. At least not with both of you in the same class. It will be awful. It is a pretty expensive hobby at least for start up costs but it is fun. I met with one group that does charity quilting for a women’s shelter and we sit and sew and chat away. Good luck with your mom and your sewing.

This is interesting. I moved my mom to our city a few years ago. She's now 87. She lives in a very nice apartment with a health care facility right across the driveway. The senior center is downstairs. She refuses to attend any of the activities. A couple of times she did and enjoyed it.
I realize now, though they had a nice social life when Daddy was alive, he was the initiator.
She just watches t.v. all day.
When I visit (twice a week) I brace my self for health complaints and watching cowboy pictures and judge shows.
Last week she wanted to know about the SIX charges on her monthly bank statement.
I said, "do you mean the rent, cable, hair and three checks for Christmas gifts? " Lord, I almost lost it. I now understand she just wanted attention. Thank you.
I still work (self employed) but I'm thinking of taking a quilting class from the senior center to get her out of the apartment. My husband and I take her out about once a month. Her wheelchair is way to heavy for me to handle on my own.
One last vent. Mom constantly says she hasn't heard from... insert, my brother, sister, child,...
I pulled her phone book out and said, if you call them, it won't cost any extra on your phone bill.
She NEVER calls unless she needs, Coke, bread, a pie.
I had major surgery last year, she called the day I came home from the hospital, then two weeks later to ask if I would go to the grocery store for her. I explained I needed help going to the in-suite bathroom and she said, "Oh, I thought you were better now. "

I pray, Lord allow me to do what I can when I can. I, too, had to decide not to try to be her entertainment.

My mother could be your mother's sister!
Same situation here...I am totally burnt out. Have been doing this for too long!
Ive found that at times you have to lie.
She is a controller & manipulator even in her dementia state...unbelievable.

Thanks again ladies for sharing your experiences and the wise advice. I always read the answers I get here several times so I can try and integrate sane and logical truths into what I can only conclude is brainwashing from childhood. It's hard, but I'm determined not to let this kill me. You all are right, I am not responsible for her happiness. It's sick that I was raised to feel it was my responsibility.

Some of the things I've gotten from this thread: The use of the words "Her peers". The next time she complains about being bored and/or lonely I am going to suggest the senior center (again) but this time before she can say she doesn't want to be around old people, I'm going to say "So you can socialize with YOUR PEERS". In fact, that's also how I'm going to bring up a senior living community, by saying "You need to live among your peers". Oh yeah, the words PEERS is going into my mental tool box immediately.

As has been one of my problems all along I need to continue to work on being assertive, and not letting FOG keep me from setting boundaries. Yesterday afternoon I knew she would text wanting to get together. Sure enough she did. I started stressing because I was definitely not up for it yesterday and trying to think of an excuse and my husband said "You don't need an excuse! Just tell her we want to lay low and you will see her tomorrow, if you want to". So I texted her "We're going to lay low this evening but tomorrow I'm making Reuben chowder if you want to come over then". She ignored my text, LOL. So typical of her. I know she is sitting there looking at my text and was mad, because when she wants something, she wants it NOW. Oh well, we had a peaceful night.

BTW Gemma I'm the one who recently started Wellbutrin. It's only been five days so I'm going to give it a couple weeks. So far I just feel a little nausea. I also wondered yesterday if I was feeling the "anger" side effect I read about some having, and that worried me. If that happens it will be a deal breaker because Lord knows I can't afford that side effect, but today seems better. Crossing my fingers it helps soon with the depression.

Kimber, my dad was a buffer too, like Lea said her's was, only mine died about 20 years ago. My solution then was to live long distance (oh how I long for those days) but now I do what Lea does and have my husband with me unless he absolutely can't be there for some reason. You will find another buffer, and maybe your mom will feel different if/when dad passes first. I too feel ill when I think about the drama that will come with placement, but all we can do is one step at a time, right?

I had to laugh when CTT said she didn't want to be her mom's social support (I don't either) but the looking at the doctor part Lol. I have already decided that when the doctor talks shift to my mom not being safe to live alone, I will make it clear I am not available. Any doctor to suggest it, I will resist and ask them if they are ready to write that letter yet that she needs an ALF.

Thank you all again. I don't even want to think about where my mental state would be without this forum. Hugs to all of you.

Sounds like my dad. He refuses to try anything new but complains hes bored and miserable. Why did she move there in the first place? Where did she move from? Could you possibly sell condo and put her in assisted living where she wants to go? The only other option seems to be unavailable and if she asks why youre giving her less time tell her the truth, if she throws a fit, go back to avoiding her. Eventually she may get the point that you wont stand for the negativity. Being family doesnt mean youre allowed to be a whipping boy.

I agree with Barb. People with dementia are not capable of processing information and reasoning about what may or may not be in their best interest. Sometimes, it's just getting through the day without someone hurt or injured. Sadly, being happy might not be in the future. I was fortunate that medication for anxiety and depression did help my LO's mood a lot and brought her a lot of contentment, but, that's not always the case. She would wheel herself around the MC hallways, looking and searching....for what, she couldn't say. She didn't even know. I was just glad that she wasn't crying and worrying all the time. I lowered my expectations and was able to accept that she would not be able to act the same or enjoy things the way she used to. I was just glad that she was able to sit in a room with others and be cordial. Socializing may not be possible once they have progressed to a certain point.

People who have dementia often complain of things that they don't like, but, refuse to change it when given the opportunity. My LO would beg me to visit and be so happy when I arrived, but, soon starting insulting me and being very rude. It took me a while to understand that her brain was not working right. She couldn't socialize the way she used to anymore.

Do you have any friends who can help? It's very stressful being in that kind of situation. I hope you can get some respite time.

It's a lot of pressure to be our parent's social life! Personally, I hate it and have backed waaaaay back. I have offered senior center to her. Nah. She needs to exercise so she brought up going to the Y. Nah. Invite someone to go to a movie. Over for dominoes. etc etc. All suggestions get ignored. Claims not to be bored or lonely but I don't believe it. But, my mom IS still capable of doing these things (in a limited fashion) and I've decided not to feel guilty about it (as much as possible anyhow). I go to the gym and am gone hours every day. Go visit my kids, friend, etc. My mom is choosing to stay home alone instead of seeking out her peers. Poor choice but there it is.

At least my mom still goes to see my sister who lives 2 hours away and gets some socialization in with some of her old friends. Although that is quite limited as well.

It's just sad and frustrating. I don't think it's healthy but what can we do about it??

Not a bad idea about telling her you are busy. It doesn’t have to be a ‘fake’ job. It can be anything at all. Tell her that you you have decided to volunteer somewhere or take a class, at the library, anything to get away. Or don’t say anything other than that you are going out.

You know by now that her behavior will not change but you can change yours. Don’t waste any more time or energy on a futile attempt to make her conform. She is a nonconformist.

So sorry, piper. Hugs. 💗

Piper,
I feel the struggle, anger and subtle guilt underlining your words, something familiar and a situation that, no doubt, started in childhood. I know for a fact my mother was the elephant in the room, a flaming narcissist, now 90 yrs old. Sounds like a similar set of behaviors and we are... trapped?

Wish I could say this is unusual, but it seems Generation X has been squeezed emotionally and financially by parents that never accepted reality. But never accept aging??? Oh yeah. Defy gravity?? Sure.

Similar to your situation, my words and boundaries I set for the sake of my family don't make a difference in the behavior she expects from my 90 yr old Dad or me. It's all about her,her,her and there will be NO DISCUSSION about AL or eventual NH.

My Dad has Chronic Lymphcytic Leukemia and is 6"0' and 128 lbs. He has no defense against her wants, she is relentless, he calls me to relay her desires so she can hear his gruff and angry tone he takes with me. Gaslighting later. Never happened. It's a familiar pattern.

I have 3 caretakers to help care for her needs currently to take the pressure off Dad, but there will not be enough pension $$ to keep her in their home after Dad passes. Thinking of the space between Dad passing and Mom's move to NH makes me feel ill.

But why??? Shouldn't I be looking forward to it???

Yes, you can make this better. Acknowledge you cannot make your mother happy. You may be able to provide _her_ opportunities to experience happiness, but if she is unwilling to embrace those opportunities then she will not be happy.

Some of your mother's dementia behaviors could be anxiety issues, is she taking anti-anxiety medication?

Next step is to just start being unavailable to hear her complaints. Use a fall detector so she can summons help if she truly needs it then set the do not disturb function on your phone to ignore her number for a period of time. You may put a camera in a hallway or living room so you can confirm Mom is doing okay. If there's a senior care or adult day care available, I would be completely unavailable during those hours. Don't make excuses, simply state you are an adult and you have a life to live that doesn't include your parent. If she's lonely during those hours, then she can attend senior/adult activities.

You have no obligation to be her entire social world just because she chooses not to socialize with others similar in age and health. With dementia, this is not going to get easier, so make your stand now. Schedule some time in the morning and again in the late afternoon or evening to check on and/or help mother as needed. Schedule a weekly night you go out for dinner and visit with her afterwards at her condo. Lunches out should be at the senior/adult care center with her new friends.