Hi!
I have been following this forum for months and it really has been enlightening for me so I want to first say I am grateful.
The past year my 87 year old mother has been extremely difficult for my sister and I. It didn't ever occur to us that her symptoms were caused by dementia. After some rough months we finally had her tested and assessed and she has a definite diagnosis of moderate dementia. It was quite a shock to all of us, but in hindsight the symptoms were there for over a year beforehand and we didn't get it. It was only when she started in with false accusations of stealing of money and clothes ( which we can not fit into) that we realized. But it is extremely difficult for me to separate the delusions from her as a person: When she is mean and rude to me then I feel she has meanness and rudeness in her. I feel like that this machiavellian person like behavior has always been in her and its just gotten worse with the dementia. Today she accused me of lying to her and then later reminded me of an eating disorder I had for a short time when I was a teenager. I feel such anger toward her, no matter what anyone says and I know its the dementia but I feel like dementia is just an excuse for bad behavior! I feel guilty for being angry and for not being more sympathetic to her plight. Have any of you felt this way toward a mother with dementia?
When we sink into dementia all the the inhibitory stops on what we would normally feel "socially acceptable" fly out the window. There is so much online to educate you. Many recommend the videos of Teepa Snow. While I haven't watched them I understand that they are excellent. This will take time; you may come to not only understand, but to deeply understand that your Mom is changed. She's still there, but she's very different.
As to guilt, I always recommend changing it out for the other G-word, which is grief. I think all we feel when we say we "feel guilty" is that we feel grief. Grief for what's happening, for our inability to change or understand it, for our loss, for the loss and torment we witness for our family. And we fell helpless to change it. Guilt really belongs to felons and they seldom feel it.
I wish you the best. I hope you are able to pick up some things reading other people on Forum.
When my mother was on a roll with her attacks, I'd leave her presence or say goodbye and hang up the phone. The anger I felt towards her was hard to get rid of, honestly, but I'd let it go to the best of my ability. Mom always had mental health issues her whole life, so the dementia was just an extension of what had been there all along. She was just more vocal about what a disappointment I'd been to her her whole life NOW with the dementia...the filter wasn't there anymore. In truth, she was a disappointment to me, TOO. So there you have it. An imperfect relationship in all its glory. 😐
Be gentle with yourself because we all lose when dementia is present. You're doing the best you can and figure that Mom is too. Don't dwell on guilt because 5 minutes after mom slings an arrow at you, SHE'S forgotten all about it. It's YOU who's stuck with it for hours or days, right? Work on letting it all go, to the best of your ability.
I've been an in-home caregiver for a long time and have dealt with more clients with dementia than I can remember. I've been the recipient of horrendous verbal abuse and more than a few physical attacks from clients with dementia.
Know how I always handled it? By completely ignoring a person when they're being abusive. Paying them no attention whatsoever and going about my work as if they weren't even there. Sometimes it's necessary to raise your voice a little or to tell someone, 'shut up, nobody cares what you think'.
You need to do this sometimes because dealing with elderly people in general requires saintly patience. Dealing with them when dementia has showed up to the party is entirely different.
It's like being inside an old-fashioned pressure cooker. The kind where you had to open a valve on it to release the steam when the pressure builds up. Otherwise it explodes. Understand?
When your mother starts up with the nonsense about you stealing her money and clothes, tell her once that she's wrong then end the visit and walk away. If she starts with the behavior on the phone, end the call. No one has to tolerate abuse and no one should no matter what the reason is.
I have had to use profane language from time to time with some of my clients because I knew it would be shocking. For some reason, it always shut down abusive dementia behavior immediately.
For many people dementia brings out the worst of their already existent personality traits. They don't have the ability to behave appropriately anymore and keep it in check.
Sometimes dementia turns a person who was mean, nasty, and vicious their entire life into a kind and docile old person too.
You never know what you're going to get.
Don't tolerate abuse though. You don't deserve that.
My mother and I have had a very good relationship all our lives, up until a year ago when she became symptomatic. I have a hard time dealing with this new negative behavior toward ME. ( I have never been in the dog house before) I will try to educate myself as others have suggested. I think my anger and guilt of being angry will appease when I can be more accepting of the way she is now. As Alvadeer says, and thank you, it is grief, grief that I love my mother but can't feel my mother's love of me anymore.
I cannot be her caretaker, I found her a nice AL, after begging her for 10 years to sell her house and move into AL, she finally agreed after having a small stroke.
The irony is that she loves it there, new friends, lot of activities, she does not have to lift a finger for anything.
She is safe and well cared for, I've done my job, my brother visits her and if I can help behind the scenes I do.
I do not have any contact with her, I am her scapegoat and now refuse to be her punching bag.
I understand what you are saying, try not to take it personally, if you do, you are only hurting yourself, your mother is either unable to care due to dementia, or is aware but could care less.
Take care of you!