Hello to all, I have been following this site for several months and have had most of my concerns answered via others' posts so I have not felt the need to post my own questions....until now.
Not sure where to start and how long to make this so I will try my best to be somewhat brief.
FIL and MIL, ages 87 and 86. Living alone in rural north Georgia. Financially sound. He had an accident several years ago that left him in pain and dependent on narcotics. She has dementia/alzeimers. Repeated attempts by us to get help in the home was met with anger on her part. Doctor said "we'll just have to wait for something to happen". Well , it did. He fell down the stairs and fractured his neck and back. That was 2 months ago. He went to rehab and she went to assisted living (not without a fight!). So they're both home now. He's in a hospital bed. We have 24 hour caregivers. Her son, my husband, has POA. We have initiated the papers for guardianship of her (from her own attorney) but would use that as a last resort. My husband is there now. Today, she called the sheriff again. They looked at the POA and left. I dont know what else to do.
The thing is, reasoning with someone with Alzheimers is a losing proposition. Their brain is broken. They're not capable of being rational. In my humble opinion, you need to consider what is best for their physical health and that may not be what they think is best for their health or what they originally wanted.
If your MIL is resisting any kind of help, her husband is a risk with his recent medical condition. Trying to get her to understand her situation will not be possible with her dementia. You could separate them - get her into a memory care unit and keep FIL at home...that would be one option. She doesn't sound like she's going to go for any kind of reasonable measures on your part. I'd consider putting them into the same facility (together if possible - if she could still manage in that environment) that has a variety of care options. So she could be moved to memory care if necessary and her husband could still visit regularly.
Or you could just go on the way you're going on, trying to honor their wishes. Just keep in mind the stress of doing that kind of thing kills 1/3 of caregivers before the people they're caring for. It's not going to be easy whatever you try to do. Please keep us posted. Also watch the Teepa Snow videos on Youtube about Alzheimers.
I don't know what it is about many older people and their houses. They don't want to leave them even when they can no longer manage the house and have no friends remaining in the area. My parents were that way. I have an older friend right now that is clinging onto his house, though it makes far more sense to go to assisted living.
Wanting to stay in their homes can put adult children in a terrible position. We're faced with the choices of either providing care for them or worrying about accidents. We know they are not safe. So what to do? It sounds like you are doing the best you can in getting a caregiver to come in and going up to help. I'm glad to see you're in Atlanta, so the trip is not too long.
I was thinking about a wonderful facility I heard about that is across the state line in Alabama. I don't remember the name, but it is around Lake Guntersville. People are supposed to like it there and the price is right. I wish they would be okay with going into a facility like this one.
You're in a difficult position. I empathize totally. I chose to move back home, but I wouldn't recommend it to other people. It makes far more sense for parents to adjust and move to a safe place. I wish there were easy answers. You have to look for openings to make changes and take them as they come.