My dad has dementia and a catheter due to advanced prostrate cancer. He is 90. He and my mom, 88, were to move into independent living this week. I came to visit 2 weeks ago to prepare for the move and my dad had to be taken to ER because his catheter was clogged and neither one of them didn’t know he hadn’t passed urine for 24 hours. He had a bad UTI which led to 10 days in hospital. This made his dementia much worse and they had to restrain him, I spent the night, drugs to sedate. Well time to leave and we find out he can’t go to assisted living or memory care in the same facility as my mom because of the catheter. We moved him to self pay skilled nursing at the same facility.
We moved my mom in yesterday and she can go see him very easily. It breaks my heart because she wants to walk him here to stay with her. He is the healthiest person in skilled nursing. He walks around packs his bag to leave, and just doesn’t understand why he is there with all the “old people”. The dementia has progressed quickly but physically he is good. We can’t afford the high rate of daily care there. We are in the state of South Carolina. The urologist said something of an operation that we may elect to remove the catheter and maybe he could move to memory care.
I guess my question is if my sister and I were here, do you think it would be worse to show my dad the apartment and let him visit with my mom and then take him back or does that make it worse. We have a care team meeting in a week so I guess I will let it be until then.
I have loved the caring responses from this group and I am fortunate that my parents planned and knew they were coming here. We only wish they had done it sooner. My sister and family are all on board so I am blessed.
Its difficult, but try to keep him where he is. When you have your care meetjng, share your concerns about the catheter then.
You can add "for now" to that in your mother's hearing so that she doesn't feel she's being forced to imprison him forever. It's not a lie, and you never know.
What do you all think about the urologist's suggestion? Did s/he go on to explain how your father's continence care might be handled without the catheter, in view of his dementia?
Another advantage of leaving things alone is that it gives your mother a chance to adjust to a new routine where she sees your father every day - all day if she likes - but she also gets properly taken care of herself and doesn't have the stress of being his primary caregiver. Persuade her to give it a while and see, I should.
Maybe a lawyer versed in Medicaid. Medicaid allows for this in the 5 year look back.
Mrs R passed before Mr R. She had never changed her will which read "whats mine is yours" so the 30k she never spent went to Mr Rs care. GF always wondered if her Mom would have been able to change her will leaving the 30k to her children.
Thanks for your reply
Once removed, he could simply wear adult diapers and live with your mom.
That reg against catheters sounds like it was written by a Nursing Home Lobby! How ridiculous to make people spend that much money every month for unnecessary nursing care!
All of that said I know I haven't really offered ideas for actually rectifying the current situation. I don't have an answer and to a large degree it's probably going to take a combo of things but just a few ideas; maybe consult both this and other facilities coordinators, social workers or whoever is in charge of arrangements (just remember they are working for a particular facility) as well as hospital discharge coordinators, doctors involved with either parents care (sometimes those offices have a nurse or someone on staff that coordinates care and knows all about this stuff). Might dad qualify for Hospice that could come in to care for the Foley and other skilled care while in living in the AL with Mom or is his dementia too bad now? If his dementia is the issue do the doctors think the increased issues are a result of the infection and he might still get back to or closer to where he was cognitively prior to the infection, enabling him to at least qualify cognitively for AL? Then of course there is the possibility of another place that might have better options for both Mom and Dad either together or at least on the same campus no matter what the heath issues require. Good luck I really am hoping you will be able to find a situation that allows your mom and dad to stay together, it sounds like that is what will make them both most happy.
His blockage and stay at the hospital has likely contributed to making the dementia worse, at least for a while. Some people return to the level they were at prior to this, but not all. As for the surgical intervention, you also have to consider that ANY surgery can lead to more potential memory losses. Again, sometimes people can recover some of that, but it can take months and sometimes is never recovered. I would most certainly give him some time (may take months) to see if he "recovers" any from that incident and then carefully weigh any information from the surgeon AND how surgery/anesthesia might impact him again. It doesn't sound like having the surgery would remove the catheter completely, so if he would still have to remain in a NH, I would NOT do this, unless it can improve his well-being.
Nursing homes generally have way more skilled nurses, as the residents would be those who required skilled nursing. Although it would be great if mom and dad could reside together, at the least they are in the same facility and mom can visit when she wants.
While it is sad to see dad packing his things and wanting to "go home", this is so common among people with dementia. Mom did that often when she moved in. About the best you can hope for is finding various fibs when mom or you have to leave him behind, such as Oh I have a doctor/dentist/other appointment, I'll be back later to help you move and hopefully he forgets. Mom will need to learn how to "fib" effectively as well (bathroom trips might work.) Hopefully she is still of sound mind and can learn how to redirect and refocus him onto other topics. Moving them both might also be counter-productive (moving can impact dementia patients) and "home" may not be where mom currently lives either! So all this might just require all of you to adjust to the new "norm."
i love this forum and the joke thread started my day with. Smile.😊