I'm sorry if that came across as a little rude, but it's how my 95 year old MIL is.
I've written here before. Briefly I'll explain she fell a little before Christmas 2021 and came to live with us. She lived by herself, but probably shouldn't have, before she moved here. Now it's absolutely no question that she can't be without supervision. She can barely get herself a glass of water.
I've also mentioned before that she was throwing temper tantrums and closing herself off in her room without eating. In the beginning, we "babied" her more, but soon realized that was enabling and quit doing it.
Long story short, she has gotten worse. She doesn't speak English, so I think my husband leaves out most of it, but I know she has been really awful to him. No telling what she says about me, but I'm in blissful ignorance (sort of).
So, it's finally come to it being time for her to go to a nursing home. My husband made some calls today and there is one close by. He just has to get the paperwork together and hopefully make it happen within a week or two.
What I don't understand is why is she doing this? I am pretty confident she does not have dementia. Here's the kicker - she can turn off the meanness when she wants to. Whenever anyone calls her on the phone (all her daughters and countess other relatives, who do nothing to help her but call her), she paints a pretty picture. But to my husband, she tells him living at our house is hell and she wants her own apartment, blah blah blah. She has her own room and private bathroom and he even got her a cell phone so she could still connect to people in her world.
She could be living her last year(s) happy in a nice, comfortable home with people who DO care about her, but instead she complains every single day and picks fights with her son about really random things. He has told me that she has wished illness and death on other people! SHE is the one acting out and causing this trouble. She even told him, "I don't want to be here. I'd rather go to a nursing home!" So... that's what he's going to do. We just don't understand why she's acting like this... sorry to go on and on about it. It does help to write it all out. Thank you.
FYI there are many medical problems that can mimic dementia behavior and these should be discounted as well (and they are mostly treatable).
You can honor her wish so that both of you can live your life.
My question is always was this woman very sweet and kind all the time she was raising you husband? Or was she always a bit like she is now and it is only more so.
Usually we remain pretty much who we are unless we completely lose our minds to dementia or stroke or some other brain injury or insult.
Do know that old age isn't any fun, and I think doesn't do a thing to make us nicer. We slowly lose everything we ever had, our eyes, our ears, our balance, our mobility, our continence, our ability to function alone, eventually even our minds. That some elders manage to have some grace is a wonder to me, as at 80 I understand the meaning of the saying that aging isn't for sissies. It is grueling in so many ways, and that is for those of us still relatively hale and hearty.
Whether from the ravages of dementia or whether she was always a bit of a pill is now up for discussion, you and hubby, but Mom is currently who she is, and to think she will change is perhaps magical thinking. Acceptance makes things easier. Take it day by day and I am so thankful that your husband will consider placement now.
I remember having my mother thoroughly tested cognitively because her personality became horrid in every way ....really manipulative, beyond narcissistic - and very abuse (although to the outside world, she was completely different) - and I just needed to understand it. The tests came back without any signs of dementia - but the doctor explained that whatever traits a person has that are unappealing usually worsen when they age - because they really don't have a filter anymore. And his explanation made good sense to me.
It's still difficult hearing others tell me what a lovely person she is - if they only knew.
Sadly, my MIL is also a very mean person. She just is. She CAN be kind, sort of, to my SIL's family, but to Dh's and mine and to his OB and his,--we're rotten fruit.
She's 92 and worse and worse each year. You would think this hateful, nasty attitide would abate somewhat over the years, but it has gotten worse every year.
47 years ago she had her gallbladder out. I was just dating DH at the time, and didn't know her well. I remember that I made some tapioca pudding for her when she got home from the hospital, and I DID clean the kitchen and put everything away--and still she was furious that I had 'messed up' her kitchen. And she STILL brings this up. And she's as mad today as she was the day it happened! This woman holds on to grudges, slights and 'bad events' and NEVER lets go. It has completely poisoned her.
I'd hear her talk about something and the timing seemed off so I'd ask 'when did that happen?" and the answer was "Oh, in 1978". Good grief!!!!!!
She says she has chronic insomnia and swears she has not slept in 47 years. The year I came into the family. So, she's been blaming her insomnia on ME....seriously, you cannot make up this stuff. Dh has stopped by MANY TIMES in the day or on towards night and she is often sound asleep in her chair, or even in bed.
You cannot fix this level of mean. You can only close your eyes to it, or, in my case, simply walk away and not see her again. It's been 2 years and I have no plan to ever see her again. so sad--she could have had a good friend in me, but chose instead to make me the scapegoat for all the bad that's happened to her.
People who really know her, know she's like this. It has been horrid, having her as a MIL. I cried way too many tears over the hurts she threw at me. Life is too short to keep going back to get slapped in the face. So I don't.
Dh asked me if I had known she was going to be so awful, would I have married him and the answer is a flat out NO.
My stepmother wasn't necessarily nasty or mean like some dementia patients can be, (my aunt would spit on people, hit them, and try to trip them with her cane) But she did have more than a few ugly episodes.
All I would do when she went on a rant is take her by the shoulders, tell her I loved her, and let her know she was absolutely right. Then I would hug her tightly. If she wanted to talk more, I would listen intently - never making her wrong, contradicting her, or arguing back. If she needed to say what she needed to say 50 times, it was fine. If she wanted to talk about something else it was fine, if she needed to tell me how bad and wrong my life is, it was fine... but after a while all that stopped because she felt loved, respected and most of all HEARD!
In my years of working in Home Healthcare, the one thing I have learned is that Seniors need to be heard... if you listen they will melt. If you listen, they will love you forever!
Start listening to your MIL and see if her occurring of you doesn't change for the better! And, your occurring of her will also change!
~BRAD
Can she be seen by a Dr? I would almost bet she has dementia, but you need her evaluated ASAP. Also. As strange as it sounds, a urinary tract infection (UTI) can also cause major attitude and behavior issues in the elderly and those with cognitive issues. She really needs to be thoroughly checked.
Ive never placed anyone in a nursing home (yet, my spouse has dementia, so that’s in our future). I’m thinking the nursing home will want a Drs checkup so they know what they are dealing with.
Dementia is very very cruel. I ve seen it in my spouse, and Ive seen it in a couple of other older relatives. Nice one minute…nothing but hate the next. Yes, it’s true, they do seem to turn it on and off. Try and remember if she does have dementia, her brain is broken. There is no cure, no meds that really do much. It’s very sad and hard to deal with.
Get her diagnosed and placed. Be ready for her to come unhinged at being place and what rotten people you are for placing her. Sorry to be harsh, but her life is over. You and your family need to get on with yours. Visit her all you can, make the time she has left as nice as possible. But know her disease (if she has dementia) won’t make this easy. Do the best you can.
A lot of what you describe she does and worse, I feel like it’s a need for drama and excitement but it can be very toxic.
I think your doing the right thing, good luck :)
but it really looked like anger.
It is also possible that in her culture, the daughters are expected to be the caregivers, and her daughters are not doing as she had hoped, and she is just lashing out at whoever will listen.
Whatever the case, it isn't emotionally healthy for any of you to deal with constant hostility in your home environment.
You may find that she is happier in the assisted living, and that your relationship actually improves with her. Especially since she requested it. Some of the assisted living facilities have pools, art rooms, gyms, putting greens, bars, and restraunts with executive chefs, yoga and tai chi classes, and countless activities.. After visiting the one my father in law is in, I wish I lived there myself!
So later in life, she is just becoming universally nasty as the filters drop.
My Mom fell and had 2 screws put in to repair the compound fracture in her leg. While she was in intense pain, she complained about everything and anything. Once I was able to make the pain manageable, she still complained a lot, but at least she could sleep which meant that she wasn't complaining and she wasn't as tired (remember how cranky babies get when they are tired?) Part of getting the pain to a manageable state was getting rid of any swelling in the legs and getting her up and moving again so that she could get a little independence back.
If your MIL is bedridden, she has nothing better to do that to find fault in the world. It is possible that she has gotten weaker and can no longer hold a phone, or comprehend an entire paragraph that she has read. Since English is not her native language, it probably takes quite a bit of brain power to translate the English to her native language so that she can comprehend any television or movies.
Kudos to your husband and you on realizing that you cannot let your MIL ruin your lives. Hug your husband and support him in his efforts. He is doing it to save both of you.
When a child 'acts up' they are often called a spoiled brat. There are consequences and even punishments for their bad behavior. When an elderly senior brat acts up people generally just suck it and tolerate it because they are old. Most people were brought up to 'respect' elderly people but never explained that being respectful has nothing to do with allowing abusive behavior.
Call her out on it. I was an in-home caregiver mostly to elderly for almost 25 years. I never played the senior games. I do not tolerate abuse or bad behavior. I will call an old person out on their bullsh*t every time.
As for the 'babying'. That has never flown with me. You treat a baby like a baby. Not an adult. If they are so far gone with dementia that they've regressed back into infancy, that's different.
When an adult is 'babied' like your MIL, it enables them to turn into a demanding senior brat.
Your husband should teach you the following phrase in whatever language your MIL speaks.
'Shut the hell up. Nobody cares what you think'.
This will shut her up. You're placing her in a few weeks anyway. Try to ignore her until then.
The nursing home will probably tell you not to have contact with her for a few weeks. This is so she will get acclimated to her new living environment.
Enjoy your vacation because it will be a good few weeks for you.
That's a senior brat.