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I was so frustrated by my mother that I took a coffee mug and threw it as hard as I could against a brick wall outside. The damn thing bounced off with only a chip. It was unbelievable. The good news is I started to laugh so hard that the tension left me and I returned to the house feeling better. For awhile at least. 🙄😏

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Getting time away from caregiving to do things I enjoy. I like to work in the garden since nurturing growing things is satisfying. Pulling weeds or whacking them is also good when I am frustrated.
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Just one more thing, as much as you may be tempted to, DO NOT constantly tell people that you love dearly (hubby, children, close friends and neighbors) your troubles over and over! Once in awhile is fine but it doesn’t help to make others and yourself miserable by rehashing things over and over. They will soon tire of it.

I was always grateful that my husband was never a person to bring the office home with him. He rarely speaks about issues at his office.

He left his work behind. From the minute he walked through the door he was my sweetheart and the girl’s father.

Even though he is working from home now due to Covid, when the work day ends he is with me. I love that!

I will never forget something my neighbor said to me one afternoon. We were both outside in our front yards and started chatting.

I asked him how his wife liked her new job. He said, “She hates it and I have to hear about it every night at dinner and I just want to relax after working all day.

He’s a nice guy. He told me that he empathized with his wife. He was sorry that she didn’t like her job and suggested that she looked elsewhere for employment but she wouldn’t and he was sick of hearing about it.

So, use this forum or a therapist to vent instead of people close to you.

Best wishes.
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bundleofjoy Jan 2021
hugs!!

i agree, that people might tire of listening to it. but i also think it depends what kind of trouble one is venting about.

some people at work are lucky: they’re treated ok, colleagues ok, boss ok.

some people are abused (at work, home, whatever). i mean that some people might have more reasons to vent.

women at work are sometimes treated very badly by other women at work, etc...

daughters are often treated very badly by their mothers, etc...

then the question is what solutions exist...

some of us are in very tricky situations that can’t easily be changed.

of course some people just like to vent/complain. but i’m talking about the people who do want nice solutions, but are in a difficult situation where solutions aren’t easy.

frustration, anger...
it does damage us...
if we can somehow turn it around and use it to our advantage.

start a hobby, which thanks to that anger/frustration, becomes a great hobby/passion. maybe even to the point that one says, “thanks for having treated me so badly. thanks for all the anger, frustration.”

hug!!
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I want a set of those mugs! 😂

I no longer a caregiver to mom but when I did here are some of the things that were on my list.

On really bad days:

🍷 Wine, 🍺 Beer or Gin🍸!

Cry! 😥

Not so bad days:

Hot bath 🛀

Chocolate 🍫

Listen to music while riding my exercise bike 🎶

Going for a walk 🚶

Sew🪡

Cook 🥘

Read📚

Watch a movie
🍿

Talk to my sweet daughters on the phone about pleasant things 📱
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This made me laugh more than you could know.

My mother was an art major in college, and the only medium she was absolutely terrible at was pottery. She often told about a set of dishes she made on the potter's wheel that were so off-balanced and awful that she saved them solely for the purpose of throwing them when she was frustrated.

My mother was never one to get so frustrated as to throw anything, but she finally decided it was time to chuck one of those plates on the floor, and sure enough, it bounced.

The next time you want to toss pottery in anger, make sure it isn't fired. ;-)
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My mother (age 90) has lived with me and my husband for 2 years. The short story is I regret this decision greatly, and of course, with hind site, see how I should have handled the situation. Because of COVID I have not been able to make other living arrangements. I am newly retired and with the help of my husband I am trying and practicing different coping mechanisms. Walking, long phone conversation in private with friends, reading and learning new things. What I don’t have a clue how to cope with is the anger and resentment, almost hate building in me towards my 4 siblings that have not given me one thank you for giving their mother a good, safe, caring and happy home even though it has lessened greatly what they used to do for her. I have received more gratitude from them for pet sitting their pet! They call mom once a week and see her infrequently but I feel they should say thank you to me for shouldering the main responsibility and care of their mother.
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bundleofjoy Jan 2021
dear allora,

courage! hugs!!
i totally understand you, and
what you write about siblings.

i truly can’t understand how it’s possible for siblings not to say thank you.

my conclusion, is that i never realized values/ethics/morals can be so different from sibling to sibling.

and not bothering to say thank you.

it’s almost like some siblings want us to be angry, frustrated, ignored...
maybe some of them even want our lives to be destroyed. maybe some take pleasure in the hard times caregivers have. i think it’s possible.

they might even be happy they’re creating anger, resentment, frustration...

——these are all negative emotions that the caregiver then carries around.

don’t let these people “win”.

succeed! be happy! smile!! :) try to find good solutions, so your life blossoms. don’t let them “win”.
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Another kitchenware thrower here. When I was emptying out my parents/childhood home ( FULL of stuff ) I had a huge stack of china plates and cups to set aside for an aunt. “ What would happen if I threw some at the wall,” I thought. So I did - it really was a huge pile so a few broken ones wouldn’t make any difference.

Wouldn’t you know it, the first plate went right through the wall and stuck there like a throwing star. I was shocked, then said to heck with it and threw a few more. Some bounced off and exploded, some stuck in the wall. In the end I cleaned up the satisfying mess and looked up how to repair drywall and bought the supplies.

Right when I was going to fix it, mom had an emergency so I was dealing with ER stuff instead. Ended up telling the real estate agents so sorry, I had an accident with some furniture...hahahahahaha....they said nothing....lol

I can’t throw plates every day so I try to exercise a lot.
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Get a vaccine so I can get my hair cut in order to look decent instead of a teenager. Avoiding personal care if possible definitely beats getting ill, perhaps even to save a life.
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Hello All:
Hope everyone enjoyed a Happy New Year virtually.

Please pray for me to get through my final extremely physical working months, about 3 to 9 more, in my extended temporary essential mail processing job until able to file for my full SSA retirement benefits for better financial security come November. They make me work 6 nights a week with only one day off, no holidays or vacation, even asking for voluntary overtime I'm now too tired to accept to save some of my health with more rest. That plant never closes and hope I never get COVID. Yes, I will get that vaccination as soon as it's available. I want to stop working to see more fun and just volunteer in my easier hours in my life before eventually leaving our planet. Want to see my family and friends before some more pass for any reason. Still so young in my 60s with more years to come. This terrible COVID did not have to happen to like it now has upend our lives, and may God help us all.
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I didn't do 24/7 caregiver and have always known my limitations are such I never COULD do it. I almost never feel "anger", but fear and anxiety are hounds that dog my heels. In raking on my bro's financial management, something I didn't feel a great deal of expertise in when I started, it was the fear and anxiety that were a constant. About the only thing that helped was the support of those I love who assured me I could do this, and the slow successes as they came that reinforced that. That along with being certain I walked, gardened, read, played cards, games, did some sewing. All those things I mention can't really be done by the 24/7 caregiver. So I will tell you I cannot imagine HOW you cope, I don't believe I could. That you can both cope and can have a sense of humor about letting go that cup, KNOWING I am sure that this meant even more mess for you, and it only chipped? Well, my hat is OFF to you.
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Same here but we haven’t figured out any coping mechanisms that work for us. She gets so mean and nasty and if we would say anything or try to discuss it she would just go off after slam her bedroom door and we wouldn’t see her for the rest of the day. It gets old after awhile. Good luck
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karen70 Jan 2021
Same here..if you try to reason with my mother she will stomp and scream, throw things..just like a teenager..or the HULK..(take cover!!)She slams her door so hard sometimes she can't get out and you can't help but laugh! Of course, I am always there to come to her rescue.. beyond EXHAUSTING..emotionally, physically..
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I listen to a lot of different podcasts especially when I can’t sleep at night. Not only about dementia but Carol Howell on “Lets Talk Dementia” has a great sense of humor, understands caregiving and has a sweet soothing southern voice. Being able to smile helps.
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When I was doing it ft for my mom, I’d run/jog as fast as I could until I was tired to release the tension. I’d walk the rest of the hour.

Listening to YouTube for drugstore makeup & skincare tutorials was fun. Would take mom with me to Walgreens. She looked at her own stuff (toys & socks) & I’d pick out my stuff. Sometimes she’d sit in the car and wait for me. It may not work if mom is home bound to go shopping in person. Target & Walmart have free delivery if you buy $35 of stuff.

Also listened to alternative (angry) music I liked in high school - The Clash, The Sex Pistols, X, The Smiths. Would sing along.
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Sunnydayze Jan 2021
Yes it YouTube tutorials! They are a great distraction!
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Well, I’m not going to judge you at all. I sat in my car with the radio and a/c on and just screamed. It helped. However, I read, pray, watch old and ride my stationary bike. These things definitely help. Keep searching. You will find ways for coping that work for you.
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Exercise exercise exercise. Yoga, swimming, walking, anything to move past and away from my annoyances.
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boy can i relate,ty for making me laugh!
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I’ve started vegetable gardening right around the house so I’m close by & not out of the house for long. Now that it’s winter I set up a grow light area for lettuces & herbs. I’m cooking more. I just ordered from an Italian website so I can see about making close to authentic Italian pizza. I can make jewelry again like I used to with all the supplies already on hand. I’m also cleaning out the house, reorganizing since my daughter has aged out & flown the coop. Projects & feeling like I accomplished something daily, make me happy.
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InFamilyService Jan 2021
Sounds like me! I am rooting and growing all kinds of vegetable and herbs. I love to cook and crochet, etc. I have committed to a bible study podcast which I am enjoying very much. Doing more purging around the house and cleaning. Read quite a few books. Doing simple things I enjoy helps tremendously .
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If you are mom's caregiver, then you definitely need to learn some coping skills, other than trying to smash coffee mugs, although that seemed to do the trick if but only temporary. I can only guess(since you've not given us much to go on)that since you are experiencing such frustration, that you are not taking enough time away for just yourself. It's so important as a caregiver, that we take time away from our situations do little things that we enjoy, to help alleviate the stress. Something as simple as going for a walk around the neighborhood, going shopping, going to church, going out for lunch or supper with a friend, or just going in your room to read a good book, can help rejuvenate your soul and relieve some of the stress. And if all else fails, you can do what a wise, elder caregiver taught us in my local support group, and that is to go out on your back porch or patio, and SCREAM at the top of your lungs.
Wishing you the best, and hoping that you are going to start taking care of yourself, so you can continue on this journey with your mom.
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I remember one poster used to go into the garage and scream - hopefully she didn't have any close neighbours 🤣
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Wow! Where did you get that cup from? It's good that relieved your stress and brought some levity to the situation, but if you don't find another way, you could go thru your entire set of dishes.

What are you trying to cope with?
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