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Polarbear, I totally am with you, I don't want to be kept alive after my use by date. Especially at the expense of another. I know where I'm going when I leave this body, so I am looking forward to going. If our loved ones could know that they are just a body with no quality would they really choose quantity? Some, maybe, others no frickin way, my grandma would have died if she knew the things she was doing, she was a generous loving woman that would have never wanted to cause anyone grief or hardship in any way shape or form.
My husband and I have all of our paperwork in order, checked annually to stay up with the law, yet I never want to take anything from his life by having quantity without quality. I never want to be a shell.
Thank you for your honest post, it is good for all of us caregivers to know what we want for the end of our lives and to prepare accordingly.
PolarBear: God/Cod bless you for speaking what is in the recesses of our ever-adapting brains. I just posted on another thread, asking Canadians how the U.S. might advocate for the value of human dignity for the extreme aged or afflicted. Your post very much needs to be mulled. I would never believe you meant that the extreme aged or afflicted are useless therefore chuck 'em. I believe you meant, at what sacrifice to your beloved offspring and/or social services can we keep constant vigilance for, or fight continuously for? As we get wasted, mean, inhumane. I am inhumane. I recognize a fellow being.
Polar bear, your not alone, we’ve all hit that wall. Sometimes you just want to scream. But know there are little things you can and must do for yourself. I’ve said this before, take time for yourself. It’s not selfish, and needs to be done! Also get the big picture, if your not up to the duties, screw it and hire out! There no shame in letting someone else do the work. Everyone hits that wall. It’s up to you, either climb it, or hit it. Your survival depends on it . Yuki
So far this year my hubs has developed terrible psoriatisis, no known cause at his age.. but stress keeps coming up. This week my neck locked up,, steroids and muscle relaxers on board, and now it is improving but I am having terrible back spasms ( I do have a bad back,, but) probable cause is .. stress.. I understand the chest pain mention,, I really thought I was having a heart attack once or twice.. And I am sad to say I just thought.. the heck with it.. But I am trying to remember that my dad passed on the 28 of this month, and Mom is sad and depressed and just wants to be with him.
And Bella.. put on that swimsuit and remember.. you don't know any of those people! I know I am no longer a 28 year old supermodel,, so just enjoy and relax!
Reading the questions from caregivers asking for advice on what to do with all their old crazy parents makes me so depressed and hopeless . A lot of these old people including my mother are alive because of modern medicine. Their brains are way past the use by date. They shouldn't be around anymore. But they didn't know or plan to lose their minds and be a burden on their children and society so we can't blame them. However, we caregivers know better. Let's not do this to our children. Plan ahead and check out when we start to suck the life out of the younger generations. Don't be a vampire.
Sorry I just have to rant. Another sign of burn out is losing my humanity, you can say. No, not all life is precious, not if they're sucking the life out of someone else so they can live. I'm getting off the soap box now.
Bella7 — Perhaps you & I were “separated at birth,” as they say. Thought I was reading something that I wrote! ENJOY the beach. The salt air, the power of the ocean. Take it all in. Transform. ((((hugs!))))
...being upset because I think Oprah should've used her great idea to help the aging and us caregivers instead of inventing a new "healthy soup" to us all! Every time I see it in the store I get angry and probably look like the wicked witch of the west stomping through the store! Hate how my mind wanders when shopping...I can't ever think about what I need while I'm there. My personality has really become nasty lately...is this a sign of my future?! Am I doomed automatically because of this burnout?! I hate thinking about the what if's all the time and what Im going to be like in my future.
I want the old me back. DH and I are going to the beach for a week...hopefully will toss my negativity in the ocean... I do realize I must and want to. My body hurts, my teeth hurt from grinding, brain stings from all my crazy thoughts, have gained 30 plus pounds, more gray hair. Yuck, how am I gonna get in a swimsuit...go away thoughts,
Scaredtaker, you mentioned chest pains 5 times. Is this something you are dealing with? If so, and if they are overwhelming or persistent you probably need to have this checked.
crying at forum posts chest pains feeling used being misunderstood by unhelpful family over exercising to point of injuries chest pains insomnia fitful sleep nightmares chest pains headaches anxiety depression isolation feelings that my efforts are futile and unappreciated that life is not worth it if this is how it ends up - like them sadness alienation chest pains not talking much anymore giving up trying to assert boundaries as it exhausts me more and they go unobserved chest pains
Genevieve7 sometimes you just have to take out for you. Your at caregiver burnout sounds like. I was there. Stop thinking you have to do it all. Somethings can wait. And if you have any help, assign duty’s to someone, tell them you need help, or start hiring out. We are not wonder women, sometimes we can’t do it all, and that’s ok. And going and having a nice bubble bath, or drinking a little wine and just relaxing is so soothing , listening to a favorite tune on the radio, or calling up a great girlfriend to cry or vent can help. Take that me time!!!! You don’t want to go down that road I’ve been down. Me time!!! Yuki
I hear you, Summer55. Yesterday was a horrible day for my mother. She could hardly move, had a look in her eyes like she was blind, and her limbs were cold. At one point I reminded her you like reading the newspaper and would you like to read it? She said, "No, there's something in there that'll hurt me." I called her home health nurse and my sisters bawling. Sisters and Niece came right over. Last evening Sister 2 and I talked about how we wished the spirits would take her. Hospice will be coming today to enroll her. {hug} to you and to us all going through this.
Summer 55, been there. My dad died 2 yrs before mom my sister A year before mom, she said the same things. It’s was depression that got her real bad. And then a massive heart attack , and in her will she stated no life support . So I had to let her go, but it was a good thing, my brother died 2years after her. So there All up there, waiting for me. Sometimes there nothing you can say or do. Enjoy these last days with her, I always made my mom laugh in her last days. That’s all you can do. Best of luck{{{{}}}} hugs to you. Yuki
My mother doesn't want to live anymore. She's tired and wants to go b with dad in heaven. In assisted living, to hear that is also stressful, because I find myself asking why the good lord won't just take her, I don't want to let her go, but she's ready.
I think Barbt763 touched on an excellent point. Have you ever been in a situation in which either you did or gave something, or are being pressured to do so, and someone gives you one of those big smiles and asks "How do you feel when you do this? Don't you just feel so great?" and your truthful answer would be "I feel (or felt) 'used' "? So maybe "feeling used" should be added to our list of signs of caregiver stress.
Barbt, Your story has me adding another symptom to the list of caregiver burn out and that is "dismay"...dismay at what you see and hear both from your loved one or the nursing home or medical workers, or smell... often on a daily basis while caregiving.
Barb763: It's all we got. You have chosen the high roads of love, and it sounds like you are breaking. Who/what agencies have you been able to reach out to? I don't mean that as a deflection. Are you a rural person or an urban person? I so feel your pain. I share it.
@smesque- have you been spying on me? I feel that exactly! I moved in a year at their request. I have a 30 y.o. daughter who has special needs and I have recently been diagnosed with lupus as well as some other crap. I continued to work, a super stressful job managing a group home for folks like my daughter. I called home one day, there was a snow storm and I had to stay at the job. No staff could get in. My dad told me to put in my two week notice. After 20 years of doing that, I was pretty excited. I figured I'd get a nice part time job I didn't need to invest in so much (emotionally) But... That never worked out. First mom got too ill and her arthritis got too bad. I took over cooking, cleaning, laundry, med appointments etc...I was still ok because I could set them up with food I would fix in advance and go to Pennsylvania to visit my daughters and their children. Not long after one visit to PA my dad told me he misses me when I'm gone. ( Sounds nice, right?) The next time I go to PA, I start getting calls from neighbors that Dad is mowing and keeps falling down, they offer to help, but he keeps going. This is December 7,2017. The first SNOWFALL of the year. Yup. Mowing in the snow. I rush home, he's broken his leg. I take him to the Ortho, he gets a cast...I go to Walmart with my son, he's walking around, no walker or anything! The foot is so swollen, I take him back to the orthopedic and they reset the leg. Several weeks later, I have the stupidity to go out with my son, first time in all those weeks, come back, his foot is HUGE. He's gone out in the yard in rubber gardening clogs! He rebroke the foot! Now he's got a huge disgusting fracture blister (Google it, if you dare) and we're back at the Ortho again! Meanwhile, mom, whom I have never liked, for various reasons starting at the age of only a few months of age, sits in the corner in her mechanical and gives orders! I think I'm going to lose my sanity. I have two brothers who were smart enough to move across the country. So I'm pretty much on my own. My kids help as much as possible, but they have jobs and families of their own. I can't leave. I can't just desert them. But holy cow! This is torture everyday from 7 am until 11 pm. I just can't seem to get it straight in my head that doing for good for others is a good thing. I know this. I've always tried to live this. But this situation is killing me and I feel like it had no end! Words of wisdom anyone?
Well Mary 9999....sounds like a good example of depression, an burnout, an yes after awhile everything becomes overwhelming, l'm sorry Cetude upset you, but it is past time for her to get help.. l went thu the same thing. My mom was so negative an we were isolated, an the only thing that made ma happy was food. After awhile l got negative an didn't realize it either. It just seeped into my soul, an yes government climate didn't help me either, soon everything seed so difficult in my limited world. I was mom's caregiver and had the responsibility for house,bills,cooking, laundry....everything...an no support system ........till l found AgingCare.com...so mary try to be a little understanding of Cetude dilemma. If l was still a caregiver yet, your response would have really stung. We are all at different degrees in are caregiving, an try to be understanding of others. Caregivers is one of the toughest jobs out there ..that's why l call us Caregiver Warriors. Thanks Mary for listening 💝
Overriding everything for me is the umbrella of Guilt. Multiple times each and every day I have to reassess my values and compromise on what feels like "everything." I never feel satisfaction, closure, nor that there are ever any less than a dozen moving targets, none involving my own life and none ever resolved. I feel like the Traumatized Ghost of my former life. I carry Constant Sorrow not just for those declining people I love, but for my own lot in needing to actively love them til I myself decline. I have to redefine love every time I become aware of Anger, Resentment, Tears, Acceptance. Cetude, I get it about our future as well. The culture is changing so fast, I can’t keep up. This is Degrading to a person who was able to stay on top before caregiving. I have carried pre-loss Grieving for over 15 years, and also have to Grieve the culture and touchstones my loved ones and I shared. We’re being eaten up and spit out into orbit without oxygen supply. I guess that means Bitterness is added to the list, which I wrestle with every day. I still feel grateful glimmers of the miracle of life, but the next text, phone call, medical complexity, advocacy squeak leaves precious little time for that.
This caregiver can sneak up on you without knowing it. In all honesty, how many of you recognize your symptoms in real time? My wakeup call to burnout is that I don't "see" stop signs. I either don't see them at all and drive through an intersection without stopping. Or I stop well beyond the white line; sometimes in the middle of the intersection.
Dear cetude, I know how you feel and I am in the same boat as I had to leave my job to take care of hubby. I am just so grateful that I am still able to take care of him day by day. Just have to take it one day at a time and pray all works out. I just try to do for him as I would like done for me if the situation was reversed. Thank God I have Hospice or I do not know how I would manage.
After reading some of these lists, I immediately considered that manifestations of stressor(s) when 'anyone' is stressed, not just caregivers. Every ailment 'under the sun' could be put on this list. The key is learning how to 'de-stress' -- and get the body (and mind) back to equanimity - a natural state of homeostasis: |ˌhōmēəˈstāsis| noun ( pl. -ses |-sēz|) the tendency toward a relatively stable equilibrium between interdependent elements, esp. as maintained by physiological processes.
Yuki500--you hit the nail on the head! Our country is going down the tubes because there's never enough "revenue" to pay for the essentials, let alone what would be optimal to provide a cohesive caring capitalism. As long as the greedy, miserly, stingy, and selfish are in charge, we will continue our downward path in the world. Remember Rome....
Jacobsonbob, hahaha, it worked, i laughed out loud.
Mary9999, I guess another sign of caregiver burnout is getting p**sed at comments on AC forum. Obviously not the place and i apologize for the offense i caused you.
cetude and Yuki500--I worry much more about terrorist attacks and mass shootings much more than nuclear war. I grew up during the 1950s and 1960s when we had air-raid drills and talk of fallout shelters. Between terrorists and shootings, and now the flu epidemic (which, of course, I don't want to carry into my mother's nursing home!), I'm a bit hesitant to go any place where there are a lot of people gathered together. As for isthisrealyreal's comment, I like the joke that Jackie Mason once made about solving the government's waste--put them on commission!
I've read, and learned firsthand, that finding a reason to laugh helps to lower stress even if it's the most ridiculous or immature joke or event. Years ago I heard on the radio that a woman was on the operating table about to have surgery, and she was laughing; when asked why, she said she was thinking about something she had heard Howard Stern say on his radio show. I have a friend who once saw a fever thermometer in his lab and wondered if it was for oral or rectal use--the expression on his face after sticking it in his mouth answered the question even before he told others his conclusion! (I still laugh at this even though it was 40 years ago!) Hopedly, one or both of these will give someone reading them a reason to laugh and brighten his/her day, especially during a stressful moment!
In my opinion, this forum should NOT become a place for pro- or anti-government rants. I read the responses, and post my own questions, because I want to discuss or get help with my problems regarding care giving, aging, family issues, and so on. Please take your pro- or anti-government discussions elsewhere. They certainly aren't helpful in any way to the person who posted a question, or to those of us who are looking for helpful responses.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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My husband and I have all of our paperwork in order, checked annually to stay up with the law, yet I never want to take anything from his life by having quantity without quality. I never want to be a shell.
Thank you for your honest post, it is good for all of us caregivers to know what we want for the end of our lives and to prepare accordingly.
And Bella.. put on that swimsuit and remember.. you don't know any of those people! I know I am no longer a 28 year old supermodel,, so just enjoy and relax!
Sorry I just have to rant. Another sign of burn out is losing my humanity, you can say. No, not all life is precious, not if they're sucking the life out of someone else so they can live. I'm getting off the soap box now.
I want the old me back.
DH and I are going to the beach for a week...hopefully will toss my negativity in the ocean...
I do realize I must and want to.
My body hurts, my teeth hurt from grinding, brain stings from all my crazy thoughts, have gained 30 plus pounds, more gray hair. Yuck, how am I gonna get in a swimsuit...go away thoughts,
chest pains
feeling used
being misunderstood by unhelpful family
over exercising to point of injuries
chest pains
insomnia
fitful sleep
nightmares
chest pains
headaches
anxiety
depression
isolation
feelings that my efforts are futile and unappreciated
that life is not worth it if this is how it ends up - like them
sadness
alienation
chest pains
not talking much anymore
giving up trying to assert boundaries as it exhausts me more and they go unobserved
chest pains
(Google it, if you dare) and we're back at the Ortho again!
Meanwhile, mom, whom I have never liked, for various reasons starting at the age of only a few months of age, sits in the corner in her mechanical and gives orders!
I think I'm going to lose my sanity. I have two brothers who were smart enough to move across the country. So I'm pretty much on my own. My kids help as much as possible, but they have jobs and families of their own.
I can't leave. I can't just desert them. But holy cow! This is torture everyday from 7 am until 11 pm. I just can't seem to get it straight in my head that doing for good for others is a good thing. I know this. I've always tried to live this. But this situation is killing me and I feel like it had no end! Words of wisdom anyone?
Resentment
Isolation
Major Inconvenience
Financial burden
Bitterness
Hate
Sleeplessness
Sadness
Acrimony
I guess that means Bitterness is added to the list, which I wrestle with every day. I still feel grateful glimmers of the miracle of life, but the next text, phone call, medical complexity, advocacy squeak leaves precious little time for that.
My wakeup call to burnout is that I don't "see" stop signs. I either don't see them at all and drive through an intersection without stopping. Or I stop well beyond the white line; sometimes in the middle of the intersection.
|ˌhōmēəˈstāsis|
noun ( pl. -ses |-sēz|)
the tendency toward a relatively stable equilibrium between interdependent elements, esp. as maintained by physiological processes.
Mary9999, I guess another sign of caregiver burnout is getting p**sed at comments on AC forum. Obviously not the place and i apologize for the offense i caused you.
Frustration
I've read, and learned firsthand, that finding a reason to laugh helps to lower stress even if it's the most ridiculous or immature joke or event. Years ago I heard on the radio that a woman was on the operating table about to have surgery, and she was laughing; when asked why, she said she was thinking about something she had heard Howard Stern say on his radio show. I have a friend who once saw a fever thermometer in his lab and wondered if it was for oral or rectal use--the expression on his face after sticking it in his mouth answered the question even before he told others his conclusion! (I still laugh at this even though it was 40 years ago!) Hopedly, one or both of these will give someone reading them a reason to laugh and brighten his/her day, especially during a stressful moment!