We visit Mom in memory care once a week. I last about 7 minutes and then get tongue tied. What do I talk about?

Sooo hard! Hugs to you!

Can you "do" things with her, instead of relying on just talk? I'd always push Mom around in her wheelchair, outside if weather permitted, and inside if not. I'd comment on pictures in the hallway or new blossoms in the neighbor's flower beds. Mom loved trees and we exclaimed over the particularly nice ones.

I would color with her. I printed out coloring pages that were simple but not childish. She liked flowers best. A couple of my sisters played cards on their visits. I brought in photo albums and looked at them with her.

I don't think I could have sat and carried on a conversation for more than seven minutes, but we had nice weekly visits of 2 or 3 hours each.

Bring magazines, maybe? National Geographic, gardening or travel, anything visual. Flip through them together. Something might “light mom up.” Just a thought. ((((hugs))))

There is a documentary called Alive Inside. Parts of it are on YouTube, maybe on other sites like Netflix or Amazon, too. Watch that if you have time and it will give you some ideas about how use music to engage your mom's brain in ways that may get her talking in a more cognizant way for a brief time. This worked for my grandmother to get her telling stories from her youth, which I loved listening to and talking about with her.  

I agree with the "doing" instead of talking. Could you put lotion on her hands and/or legs or comb her hair or listen to music together? Paint her fingernails or give her a mini-manicure? Bring some snack or treat she loves and eat that together? If you have a smartphone, show her videos on Facebook? I'd show my mom animal videos and she enjoyed those. Maybe buy her cheap cards at the dollar store and make them like a real mailed card, write a short note inside and let her open it up like mail? My mom always loved getting mail or cards. Buy some cute stickers and let her put stickers on things? Buy some dollar store puzzles for kids and put those together? Good luck, it's tough!!

Sue,

This is a hard one.

Moms fingernails grew so fast so once a week I trimmed and filed her nails.

I found an Avon nail polish that really did dry in about 10 seconds. Speed Dry maybe.

Other times I tried to straighten out her closet.

Sometimes she would flip thru a magazine.

There came a time Mom didn’t know me. She was always glad to see me. She would tell me my hair was cut just like her daughter (me).

Hang in there Sue.
(((Hugs)))

Sue, it’s a tough obligation we feel. At least I did with my father. He was 10 years with that horrible Alzheimer’s.
Eventually, he couldn’t respond at all and just stared. My mom was there 3 times a week and combed his hair and talked to him. Strangely, their life relationship had always been real stormy and financially challenging. They always had fought and it was tough growing up.
But I found that when I was there, it was strangely settling. My mom and I would just have our own conversations while he was with us. We’d just meet there and talk to each other about our day, our week, neighbors, whatever. I don’t know if he was trapped inside himself and listening or not. But it wasn’t so bad while we focused on each other, mom and I. There came to be a strange normalcy in our being there.

I know it’s tough. But, I don’t know, maybe you don’t have to just focus on her all the time while your there. Maybe it’s enough that you’re present and bringing a little bit of your life there.

That’s just how it was for me, for what it’s worth.
Either way, these are some of the hardest things I’ve had to do. Maybe because I just didn’t want to.

I hope you find a way to work it out for yourself.
I wish you the best in this.

Sue, i would work on my " material" all week before visiting my mom. Showed her Facebook photos of great nieces and nephews. Shared videos of my grandkids. Always brought a chocolate treat and a latte.

And wheeling her around the grounds to look at birds and trees is a must.

My father likes to look through old photo albums. Maybe bring one on your next visit.

I am with my Mom daily for 3-4 hours at the NH. Some time she naps, and some is taken up at lunch, but here’s how I spend the waking time, in case it gives you any ideas. My mom has lost her vision so some of the things like playing simple card games and looking through her pictures has stopped. But I just yack on about anything. My latest stained glass project, the beautiful Victorian mansions I drive past getting to her NH, what DH is doing today, what the neighbors are doing, details about a wedding I went to, the weather. I may have to say the same stuff a few times but it’s all new to her. Now I’m bringing in my gardening and seed catalogs and she’s “helping” me choose seeds. I describe the plants from the catalog and she oohs and ahhs and voices her opinions. We may repeat that the next day. Repeat. I’ve downloaded a bunch of her favorite music and play it on my phone and we sing together. She can’t remeber my name sometimes but she remembers lyrics to lots of old songs. She used to play the piano and when she could see we would play an easy piano game on my iPad. It’s called BDW Piano with Songs. Anyone can do it just press the red key. Her roomie sometimes joins. We still play it on a good day and I have to guide her finger, but she still loves it. I use a curling iron on her hair between hairdressing appts and do her nails. I make her a cup of tea and a biscuit. I make her bed if the aids haven’t gotten to it yet. We go through her closet and she tells me what she doesn’t like to wear anymore. I get her an Ensure if she’s thirsty. We wheel around the floor and find a sunny window, as she can still feel the heat of the sun although she can’t see it. I may take her to an easy activity that’s going on. I hope some of these have given you some ideas to fill you time with your Mom with some more activities that she might enjoy.

This is why I visit at meal time. My mom needs to be fed so I do that, but I've noticed others who order the meal and just sit and eat with their loved ones, it can easily take up an hour and conversation can be optional.

How would talking about you and her when you were a child and went to the park, beach, played board game (any game), any pleasant thing she can relate to from the past?

Or just hold her hand. 

There’s a screened sunroom people can go outside and enjoy the very ample outdoors.
My own mom always avoided outdoors activities due to allergies, biting insects, dirt, etc so likes looking at pretty nature not being eaten by it! We live in the South.

I agree with focusing on doing rather than talking. My parents are in memory care and conversations are very difficult. I think they feel like they need to converse so ask me the same questions over and over.. so.. have you heard from any "family"?...errr.. no. (they are unaware of just how out of touch with "family" I am). Even worse.. if the conversation gets too involved it could come around to why are we here? where is the car? etc etc

I try to bring some things with me. I have playlists on my phone of music they like and I bring a blue tooth speaker with me to play music (if its a nice day and we can sit outside), I bring my laptop sometimes and watch funny youtube videos with dogs or cats or other animals, sometimes I bring stuff to do my Mom's nails , I bring magazines we can look through and discuss, I play word games with Mom.. etc.

Sometimes I bring treats.. candy, ice cream, starbucks, or sometimes just oranges or other fruits.

So many family members come and visit and don't bring anything and I see them sitting all uncomfortable and quickly leave. If I plan it right I can actually enjoy my visit with them.. It is just a different type of visit. I try to stay away from involved conversations. If I do converse it is about the here and now.. no big life discussions, nothing about work or anything.

Good Luck!

(((((Sue))))) My mom enjoys it most when I sit and watch movies with or listen to older music with her. Then we talk about the movies or music, or the celebrities that make those things. It astonishes me what she can remember about celebrities! She also enjoys educating us younger women about what life was like for women "back in the day," including women in her family - movies/music by/about women encourage those conversations....sometimes documentaries too (she had a great time the other day, talking with me and the home support worker during a Gloria Steinem documentary!). Older music also prompts conversations about the "old days" in general. She particularly likes music from her teens and early 20s.

That would be wonderful because I’m a cinefile and music lover. My mom hardly EVER listened to music or watched movies. 😕

Thanks to everyone for all the great suggestions. I'm going to reread all the posts and "take notes".
I think I'll try to bring a photo album with me tomorrow. And I'll put on a running thread of 40's and 50's music, if she can hear it without blasting everyone else out of the room. Mom didn't listen to music much but it is soothing and fills the "space".

She sure enjoyed the Snickers bar I brought last week. She, like most, have a love of chocolate. I'll make it a weekly treat.

Maybe I'll bring some flowers next week. They don't keep them in the patients room because all the residents are either in the living room or outdoor patio all day. But I don't mind if everyone can enjoy them in the main room.

Poor dear, most memories of earlier times are lost but the photos might help.

We try to get to the outdoor patio when the weather is nice but mom's always cold. Oh well, it gets us moving to go out there, sit then come back in.

I'll try a couple of catalogues too. She used to love to shop mail-order.

And a curling iron is a great suggestion. Her hair is so thin and straight. I'm sure it would give her a lift. Hubby used to polish her nails at the other MC, so I just dug out the acetone and polish to take with us.

Thanks again for the answers. I feel like I'm prepared for a few weeks now!

sue,
I know how hard this is -
I don't really remember the last time I had an actual conversation with mom even though she is still verbal - our activity is either spent helping her eat or just sitting with her -
Sometimes we will play with pool noodles and balloons but she sleeps a lot more now and more so in the evening I just sit next to her bed after we say our prayers

As one who has a hearing problem, I can tell you that sometimes it's easiest to give up trying to hear what is being said. You know that her near term memory is shot. Why not bring something visual and old? Photos for example, not recent ones but old ones. You might want to try a photo of her as a girl. I bet you can find one that will make her smile!

Sue, do also remember that you don't have to keep up a running commentary. You can just sit with her and do the crossword or your knitting; and if subjects happen to come up then great, and if they don't it doesn't matter. You are there to spend time with her, not to dazzle her with sparkling conversation or confirm key points of her yet-to-be-written biography.

The dinner hour daily works well for me, she needs the help any way, and the staff seem to appreciate it. I rattle on about whatever happened that day, tell her about other family members, ask her silly questions, etc. She doesn't really initiate conversation but does respond fairly well. After dinner, we go to her room. I usually get out the portable CD player and put her "choir" music on (she was in a church choir when she was younger), and that usually seems to make her happy. I may clean her nails and apply a moisturizer where she needs it, comb through her hair, maybe clean her teeth a bit. I check her closet and drawers, collect her laundry that needs doing and generally straighten her room. She has a new roommate who likes to "borrow" things, if you get my drift, so retrieving mom's stuff might take me awhile (still can't find mom's new eyeglasses, but I will). I wheel her to the big TV room where everyone else usually is at that point and tell her I'll be back in a bit, then I leave. When it gets nicer out, I'll be able to wheel her outside and sit in the garden with her. She liked that very much last year.

These answers are so touching. What lucky moms you have. I’ve learned a lot here about doing vs. talking. My mom still talks non-stop, like she always has, but I need to bring things to look at more. Also to leave for the visitors who come, so they can look through with her. Good luck, suec!

I agree with most, and I brought avon catalogs and other type of catalogs and magazines. She loved makeup. A friend would give me perfume samples and we would look at those. She would pick out things I was "buying" her for Christmas. I almost always took her out of her room. We would just walk around and look at things. Outside weather permitting as she loved that. It is hard because shes your mom and you want to talk and share. It is sad but that is a different time. I also found it so difficult at first to switch gears and take a different approach. Once you do you will feel more at ease on those visits, and enjoy them so much more. Hugs!

When I would visit my Mom, Sometimes I would just sit with her and hold her hand, not talking. She would fade in and out. I believe she knew I was there, she would squeeze my hand sometime.

I don't know if this will help but, when my grandmother was in memory care, I would bring a People magazine for her and we would turn the pages together and comment and giggle at all the people and their clothes. She didn't know me as her granddaughter but I was her friend who checked on her once a week.

Do an online search for "things to do with an Alzheimer's patient". Pick a few that sound good for you. My own mother seems to like me to read to her. Bible, short stories, poems. Mother probably didn't understand what I was reading but she would watch me and listen. I also gave her a mini manicure every 2 weeks (clipped, filed, clear polish) and that allowed me to touch her. She passed away last Tuesday and it gives me comfort knowing we could share that. The fact that you want to communicate with your mother shows you are a loving daughter.

I really have learned from these ideas. It doesn't matter if it's relative or friend. Now more likely to visit w those who have no visiters. Thanks

I feel for you. It is not easy. I like the answers that I've read about "doing" instead of talking. That can include going for walks (probably in wheelchair), lunching with her, doing any kind of activity with her no matter how small. Small talk is ok. It's really about quality not quantity. Most of the time my mom--even though she continued to know who I was---did not remember I was even there moments after I had gone. Just spend whatever time there is 'with' her.
Now that my mom has passed, I continue to visit my aunt who happened to be in the same care facility as my mother. She has declining memory too. When we visit, she will jump around from subject to subject not remembering what we had said just moments before. We often go in circles covering the same thing over and over and I just flow with it. I know she is probably more talkative than your mom but when we are done, I give her a loving kiss goodbye and tell her I will see her soon. I feel better (and I hope in some way she does too) that I have spent the time with her.
Those "7 minutes" are a treasure that you both will appreciate when you look back.

well to tell you the truth it does not matter but main thing is to tell her you love her ..but you can tell her about your week..my sister has a english bulldog & she showed video's & pictures of him on her phone if you could you could do somethiing like that i think day before god takes her she may not know much or god will take over ..you may think this is crazy ..but it is true she past on monday the 9th ..but saturday for a crazy reason the memory board on the refridge killed the ice box all together like it was unplugged so i 1st tried another plug out let still nothing ..it happen about between 9 pm or so when i got something out of there round 11 pm i found nothing working on it ...so i googled about it so did it again sunday then i found it more & likely was the memory board so i called a appliance parts place i deal with so ordered a new board so i got it wenseday carefully plugged it up you cannot touch it a very small spark of electric will kill it so i only touch it without touching the metal or parts on it so i plugged it all up & started to work was glad of that ..but i think it could be possible that was a sign that my mom lost her memory then & god or angel or anything took over ..sunday night i told my mom ..you got your wish to pass at home so go ahead .i said i love you .. but i have been giving her a inhaler for asthma to keep the rattling away so also to help breath ..i forgot at 10'30 pm sunday i thought well if she lives the net day i will give her a dose & if she goes then that was it i think something let me know to let it go ...so she can so she did ..my brother inlaw was sleeping he got woke up around 3 am monday morning & he had a feeling that something was wrong ..so when i called my sister around 5:30 am it made sense that she passed so do not stop talking to her she is there tell her favorite things make her feel good it will pay off for you & her when you meet again ..in paradise good luck ..there is not nothing thatt can be done ..my mom she loved some food i tried it she did not like it anymore but she loved snow so on 4-1 easter i got a bowl of to let her touch it for the last time & she did react to it & had a tear in her eye ..so keep telling her things again good luck ..

I would just listen to her complaints and sympathize with her. It's pointless trying to talk to her if she doesn't recognize anything that you say. Ask her about the activities where she is living, does she join in, is there anything she would like to eat that you could bring her. My Mom loved shrimp so my sister would bring her that when she visited. Not much else can you do.

Hi SueC1957!
I go to see my mother often. I tell her everything that is going on in my life and the lives of her grand kids, etc. Sometimes she says yes or shakes her head, but most often there is no response.

Sometimes I sing to her, other times I read poetry to her. Most often, though, I try to find something bright to look at or hold, since her eyesight is not good. Once it was a doll, another time a magazine of picture of things she loves in a state she loves, and other times, it's a newspaper ad, with big print.

There are times, when Mom is sleepy or unresponsive, so I give her a drink. The aides seldom have the time to sit and give the residents something to drink (bring in something you know she likes, even her favorite snacks?) This always seems to, "awaken" her, and causes her to be more responsive.

Other days, while she is like this, I just hold her hand, put lotion on her hands and arms, if they are dry, kiss her hand, occasionally, she will even kiss mine, or just sit quietly with her. She will know you are there and feel that you care.

First, my in-home mother had to enter assisted living at age 98, as my husband was developing worsening memory and balance problems from underlying small cerebral bleeds and hydrocephalus associated with ongoing Alzheimer's development. We moved to the city of our younger daughter when she gave birth to our grandson in 2008. We brought mother along at age 100 and found a nice assisted facility here which had only 40 persons and a caring, family-feeling environment. Mom's vision and hearing were getting so much worse, that we always had to speak very loudly, try to get things close enough and using magnifying glass so she could see photos, etc. As other have said, she enjoyed hearing about our and the world's current events up until her death at age 104+. We had big celebrations for every birthday from # 98 on, and she was always in her glory being the center of all attention. I made huge posters for those birthdays, writing about her various interests and activities (fishing, traveling, sewing, quilting [starting at age 80, she churned out 23 quilt tops which we had quilted by other ladies]), friends, etc. along with photos and details from her past, her family, etc. She even received a proclamation from our new city for turning 101, which coincided with their 40th year of founding the city, where, with a huge number of prior mayors, councilmen, etc. in attendance, she came sailing in on her Hoveround, waving a greeting like the Queen! And she loved this 4th great-grandson, who was born 100 years, 5 months and 21 days after her birth. She was an indomitable force in our lives...sadly about 6 months later, my husband's condition worsened so much that he was moved to the same facility and into the room which my mother had occupied, after I developed a severe vertigo--most likely a reactivated fever blister virus in my inner ear nerve due to my depressed immune system from all the nights of no sleep, having to clean up messes at 3 AM, etc. He never was able to return home after that, as I have many steps which we could no longer maneuver. However, we had a ramp which we had used for mother and him at daughter's house. I could still get him into the car until close to the end, and we would take drives around town, he pointing to the direction he wanted to go and I complying. Our daughter and grandson went along for many visits, taking him in wheelchair to a nearby park, where he could watch his grandson on his little scooter, hear the birds singing, etc. Trips to the botanical garden, zoo, etc., were all somehow enjoyed as he would point at things long after he no longer communicated with speech. I would copy off any photos sent by e-mail from friends and relatives and take them along and explain what they had written, always followed by "They say to greet you and give you a hug for them!" which I would do--even though often they hadn't mentioned him. Family albums, watching his grandson playing, being in nature kept him in contact until close to the end. I always had the feeling that he was still in there somewhere, although he became very passive and lacking understanding of most things around him. We have no regrets, because we gave our all to both mother and husband/father--daughter was such a blessing, and her commitment to both was amazing...Try to do what you can within your power--I had the fortune of being born with significant emotional stamina, for which I have been so grateful, as it enabled me to power through all the grief of watching the demise of these so important forces in my life. Tell them at each visit how lucky you feel to have shared in their lives, what a blessing they have been...it will help you to believe it yourself--especially when the worse times come. Bless you!