My husband has alzheimers. I often times can't understand what he is saying. But though a series of questions I usually can figure out what he needs.
Last night he got so angry with me because I couldn't understand what he wanted. He points at things and when I say what it is, he says don't be so literal! Anyway last night he insisted that I get up and move something out of the way. He pointed to his hat and to the service tray on the ottoman. I said if he wanted them moved he could move them. I realized then that he must have been hallucinating and seeing something I couldn't see. As the conversation went on it got more angry. I got so frustrated with him that I even raised my voice. We had a terrible fight! At one point he struck at me but missed and just hit the chair. I don't want to have loud fights with him and I don't want him to hurt me. How can I prevent this from happening again? I'm upset with myself because I didn't know how to handle the situation. Has anyone faced this before? Any ideas on how to deflate the situation so it doesn't get so out of hand? I admit I'm a burned out caregiver. I'm trying to keep him home as long as possible. I don't want to put him in a memory care facility for financial reasons.
I've worked with many elderly people with Alzheimer's/dementia who often became very aggressive and even violent at times for many reasons. Sometimes it was out of frustration because they couldn't express themselves and other times it was for whatever reason, God only knows what.
One thing must always be so. You can never let a situation with an Alzheimer's/dementia sufferer ever escalate for any reason. Tell them everything is fine and then temporarily ignore them. Completely ignore them. Don't talk, don't look at them, don't anything for a bit. If you're alone in the home with him and there is no one else with you, this is the only action you can take to try and stop the situation from becoming dangerous.
If your husband is getting physical like you've said, then your situation has become dangerous already.
In truth you really don't have a whole lot of options. You can put your husband in a care facility which is where he belongs at this point. Or he will have to be medicated to where he is unable to physically strike at you. Bring in some outside caregivers to help you with him. Hire privately because you can negotiate the wages that way. You can't when it's agency help.
Of course you want to do right by your husband and don't want to put him in a care facility if it will cause you financial hardship.
Your safety has to be the top priority though. If you're in danger, call 911. Don't have any shame about it because if something happens to you, your husband will get put in a nursing home. The police and an ambulance will come and take him to the hospital. The hospital staff will send a social worker to speak with you and they will even help get him on medications to keep him calmed. Please don't neglect your safety and wellbeing.
Someone on this forum, I can't remember who made a great statement about caregivers in situations like yours.
"Don't light yourself on fire to keep someone warm".
It was only when one of my cousins discovered that his poor mom was being beaten black and blue (my uncle wanted the key so he could go wander on the nearby highway) that my uncle was admitted to Memory Care where he lived quite happily for several years.
Sadly, my aunt dropped dead of a massive heart attack shortly after he was placed: she continued to "take care of him" every day in memory care.
I assume that you've visited an eldercare attorney and ate telying on solid legal and financial advice and not simply "what you've heard".
Medicaid will NOT leave you impoverished.
Do you at least have some hired outside help coming in, to give you a break once in a while, as taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of your husband? You can't do it all yourself, as you are finding out.
My husband lost his ability to speak after having a massive stroke at the age of 48. He did eventually regain a few words and some short sentences, but having a conversation with him was difficult, as I couldn't always figure out what it was he was trying to tell me. If after a good bit I couldn't figure it out, I would tell him so, and that for now we just needed to drop it, before we both got upset over it. Sometimes that would work, and sometimes I just had to walk away from the situation before I got upset with him, as it wasn't his fault, and he would get mad at me because I couldn't figure it out. I had to tell him many times that I was not a mind reader. It's hard. I know. But it's not worth getting in a fight over. Especially if he's getting physical. My husband never did that, for which I'm grateful.
And as my husband got older his comprehension of the spoken word got worse as well, which made things interesting to say the least.
You must now do what is not only in the best interest of your husband, but also what is in the best interest of yourself as well. I wish you the very best.
If your husband hits you, call the police. He may need to be placed for a Psychic eval. They will give him or adjust his meds.
Realize that your role as a caregiver is to keep him independent as long as possible.
Understand that it is your right to walk away from any disagreements before they start. Step outside. Or say you will be back after going to the bathroom.
It is not your role as a wife or caregiver to be ordered around. Avoid being ordered around, and allow him to go without his every need being met.
Not to punish him and not to neglect him, but to allow for his independence.
That said, it's time to, at the very least, ask his physician for medications to help keep him calm. For example, risperidone and olanzapine reduce aggression and are typically tolerated well. That may enable you to keep him home longer.
Equally important to your safety and financial wellbeing is bringing in help at home so that you can take regular breaks including, perhaps, putting him into respite care for a week or two once or twice a year. But that only will work if he is calm.
His needs are only going to increase. And you are already burned out. Your needs are equally as important as his. Things need to change if you are going to keep him home and be safe with him around. He is not capable of participating in making big decisions anymore. Only you can decide how they will change.
I would reach out to his neuro/primary and even ask for a nuero psych consult. They have better experience and understanding in medications that may help him.
This is so hard for you and you need to make sure you do not get hurt. Even if he qualified for the aides or care it would also endanger them. I do not have dementia experience but I have seen outbursts from infections and stroke and the neuro psych did help a lot. Maybe that will even allow you to get help as you won’t be worried when he is with others. Keeping you in my thoughts
A few things to try:
Turn on more lights in the late afternoon.
Keep your husband on a consistent schedule.
If he is getting up at night, he may benefit from a sleeping medication.
If you notice he is more agitated with violent outbursts, he would benefit from seeing a geriatric psychiatrist and maybe anti-anxiety medication.
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