I recently brought my mother to the United States in May 2024 and she has since been living with my grandmother-in-law in her home. She is not working right now as she is still waiting for her work permit. She cooks daily for my grandmother-in-law (breakfast, lunch, and dinner), she cleans the house nearly every other day, and even helps grandmother-in-law vacuum her bedroom. Oftentimes, grandmother-in-law (who is 76) has ended up in the emergency room because of her dietary habits and stubborn nature (she binges on candy, processed food, and other things when my mother is not home) leading to health emergencies. She doesn't like to own up to her mistakes and often downplays things, not taking any responsibility. I am starting to feel very bad for my mother for putting her in this position of a fulltime caregiver. This is not what I intended. I feel her kindness is being abused and taken advantage of. Grandmother-in-law almost expects it now every single day, and when she is not around to feed her, she eats junk and has a health crisis, leading the whole family to the hospital. We end up staying the whole day, taking time out of weekends and sometimes our work.
Grandmother-in-law has 4 daughters. 3 daughters are pretty much out of the picture and have detached themselves completely from her due to a bad relationship and history. One of her daughters is around and sometimes helps out, only when we call her or try to involve her. But never truly willingly. While I understand that it may be difficult for her to take full responsibility for her mother, it should not be MY mother doing everything for my grandmother-in-law. It is exhausting her and she feels it is unfair that her daughter is not around more often to help with cooking and cleaning for her own mother. There seems to be some tension between the mother and daughter, I think grandmother-in-law doesn't like asking too much from her daughter for fear she will refuse or feel upset and overwhelmed, which she often does become. She has told us she doesn't like to burden her daughter.... Grandmother-in-law can no longer drive and often asks my mom to drive her for grocery shopping or to clinic appointments. She also refuses to cook for herself and hasn't done so in 30 plus years since her husband passed away. Daughter has started attending some of these appointments recently, but in all honesty, I feel like she could be doing a lot more. Her daughter has recently expressed wanting to help out more, but I don't know how serious she is. We often have to nudge her to help out more, and we don't like confronting her like this when she should already know how much she needs to do. I feel there is a sense of entitlement here, for some reason. And also a lack of appreciation for my mom. The daughter has told me that my mom is not expected to cook or clean for her mom every day, however, if she doesn't, then who will? Nobody.
Can anyone please help me and suggest some ways to lessen the load on my mom and encourage the daughter to step up more without upsetting or overwhelming her? She has her own life, work, and husband, but I still feel like she needs to do more, maybe after work, or on her days off. The workload is not very balanced currently and my mom is feeling exhausted and upset, and so am I. Please help.
You have painted a picture of an industrious self sufficient mother. Educated and thrifty. Used to earning her own way.
Your mother probably had a pretty good idea of who the GM was before she made the deal to move in and help her out in exchange for a place to stay.
I’m sure that you told your mom all about how unreasonable etc GM was while you were living there.
It was evidently still attractive to your mom as a means to an end. It truly isn’t any of your mom’s business (or yours) as to how much interface the GM has with her daughters.
My take on this. Get yourself out of the way and let them work this out. It’s really between GM and your mom.
You chose to live with GM for two years. Those four daughters had to live with her many years. Your mom has barely been there 6 mos. Tell mom to let you know when she’s ready to quit and you will help her relocate.
Otherwise, step away and let them learn to manage their own relationship. If it has a chance of working, it will get there sooner. If not, it will get there sooner.
Your SIL is very kind to even tell you she would like to help more. She probably appreciates your mom….she already knows she couldn’t do it.
Your mom is fresh to the situation, doesn’t have a personal history, has a goal to only be there until she can go to work.
Only she knows if it is worth it to her to continue.
G mil needed help. Mom needed a place to stay. They agreed. Further, Cats husband will surely resent his wife’s mom leaving the arrangement to come live with him personally.
As it is, mom gets grandma to buy her food for free even as it’s different from what’s in grandmas diet. As to the cleaning, what do you expect grandma to do? Pitch in? And if moms using grandmas car, how big a burden is it to take her for her medical appointments?
The ‘pressure’ should be on GMIL, not your M or D4. GMIL is a year younger than me, ruining her own health, and expecting major support from you, M and the health system. Your M has been placed in a ‘perfect victim’ position under a woman who is perfectly capable of looking after herself, her diet, and her house. GMIL has estranged her own family, and is now starting to mess up yours. You need to get M and yourselves out from under. A share house seemed like a good idea, but unfortunately it hasn’t worked out that way.
Forget about GMIL and her problems. You are not responsible for GMIL. Focus on what is the best way forward for M. Start with working out a list of what is reasonable for her to do in return for her free board and keep in the short term, and prop her up to stick to it. You ask if M doesn’t do all the jobs, “then who will? Nobody”. That's GMIL’s responsibility to sort out, not yours and not M’s. If GMIL wants to kill herself, she knows what to do. You made your arrangements expecting a more ‘normal’ situation. As soon as you can, get M out and away from GMIL and a group of inlaws whose problems are NOT YOURS to solve.
I hope your mother leaves the situation since it’s not working out . Try to talk to your mother and tell her that it’s OK for her to say she can not live with or care for this grandmother in law anymore .
All caregivers have a limit . Tell Mom it’s ok . She doesn’t have to stay in this role .
As daughter was quite responsible in putting this in place I think she is also responsible to fix it for her mother, and return it to where it all began.
It's very difficult living continents apart, but certainly better than the current situation.
They come here under work visas. Does not Mom have one of these? If so, she can find a job. Because Mom is an immigrant, she is not entitled to any of our benefits, like Medicaid for health insurace, maybe no Social services. Someone had to sponsor her and that person is responsible for her.
If none of grandmoms children stepped up before Mom, why do you feel they should now? Mom really needs to figure out what she is going to do. I am with Scampy, if she made it on her own in the UK, she may be smart to go back. Just looked it up for my Township, an aide averages $16 an hour about 33k. The rent here, in a complex, is $1400 a month. Out of that $16 an hr she has to pay taxes. Her own health insurance, not cheap. Did you and Mom do your homework before bringing her over.
Sorry if I too seem harsh but this is reality.
I will not let her go back to the U.K. as she was struggling there as a single mother with no family. At least I will be here with her and my brother will be closer to her as he’s in Canada. After he graduates college, he plans to move closer too. We are waiting for her work permit and I sponsored her application to bring her here.
I'm going to be honest, I was born and raised here in the US, and the last eight years has been nothing but stress and discord. With the new/old administration coming in, the US doesn't seem like a safe place to be even for its own citizens. I'm concerned about the elderly and the cutting of funding for programs such as healthcare and food programs that keep food on the table for elderly and needy families. I retired in 2020 due to my job being outsourced. I'm working part time but it still isn't enough.
Please send you mom back home for her own sake. She does not deserve to be taken advantage of by a woman who refuses to follow doctor's orders and to care for her own health. So, many elderly diminish the quality of their lives by their own selfish needs and making others miserable. This eventually leads to a premature death in many of these cases. These types will run their family members ragged causing all types of chaos and uneccessary emergency room visits. When this happens again, get your mom away from the hospital and the both of you leave. Do not upset your work schedule or take time off to cater to this selfish old woman. Start making sound plans for you and your mom's future. I am not blaming you for bringing your mom here, but she deserves better.
This GMIL woman knows what to do about her own health, but it seems to me she creates these crisis to get the attention of her entire family because she feels neglected. It's like; I will hurt myself to hurt you. Look at what you've done to me sort of nonsense.
Come out of the "FOG" of fear, obligation and guilt. The dynamics of your in-laws has been in full progress even before you married into this brood of insanity. I would leave them to their he!! that they created.
You current family situation with your inlaws and your husband seems to be more of a problem than your mom at this point. He doesn't seem very supportive of you and your feelings.
Considering all that has went down in the last week here, if Israel wasn't in such a terrible mess my old man and I would head there right now.
I'll take a page from a great Lakota man I once knew and was very dear to me.
May we walk in beauty and may the Creator help us all through the next four years.
I have a few questions for you to consider that might help you see from a different perspective as well ideas to help you come up with a less stressful plan for your mother.
Before I begin, please know that I understand and I am not attacking you in any way (I cared for my father up until he died recently and so I know how much work it is. He was also non compliant with his dietary restrictions due to being type 2 diabetic)
First of all, you mentioned that your mom is living with GMIL, correct? It’s just the two of them living in the home I assume? If so, the only way to get this to work is for some boundaries to be set.
In America (forgive me, but I am assuming you are also British and might not know how things are done here when it comes to carers) but in America, a caregiver is usually not covered by government medical programs (Medicare) unless the care is actually medical. (Not housecleaning, meal prep, driving to appointments etc) That part of the care is usually privately funded or paid for by private insurance or if the person is a veteran, by the VA.
So, if GMIL had 24 hour care providers and , they would be paid for every hour. She would need at least 4, possibly 5 caregivers to cover those hours.
They would all be paid at different rates depending upon the level of care they provided.
By the sounds of it, GMIL isn’t at the level of REQUIRING 24 hour care, but her actions are making it necessary for 24 hour care - otherwise she’s a danger to herself.
However, that is HER doing. She doesn’t have a medical condition causing her to require 24 hour care (bedridden or unable to walk/needs wheelchair etc)
This is a hard thing to hear, but you need to listen to it: GMIL Is of sound mind and therefore is fully responsible for the consequences of her actions.
As hard as it is to step back and let an elderly person self harm - which is exactly what she’s doing- it is HER choice and so it is not your mother, her daughter or anyone else’s responsibility to cater to her every whim, take her to the ER & wait around for the umpteenth time this month because she selfishly decided to eat a bag of sweets instead of a healthy meal.
I am not saying that your mum should just sit on the settee with a cup of tea and a digestive watching tv while GMIL lays on the floor slipping into a diabetic coma, but she shouldn’t be picking her up and dragging her to the ER either.
The next time she does it, call 911 & have an ambulance take her to the ER. Tell them she has a history of this and to notify her daughter so that she can either meet her at the ER or pick her up from the ER when she’s done.
a few times of the “you want to play stupid games, ok, well you can play them solo without dragging my Mum to the ER with you” will make her realize that your mum is not going to cater to her every whim when they’re self imposed.
Going back to the paid care giver matter. So mum is living with GMIL and not paying room & board, correct? So in reality unless you’re paying GMIL for Mum’s room and board, the facts are that she is actually paying for her room & board “in kind” (meaning she’s providing a service in exchange for rent & utilities & meals)
(now bear with me for this next part, I will try to be kind when I say it because I know you are struggling.)But You didn’t mention whether or not you guys made the agreement for mum to care for GMIL before mum came over. If you did and it’s just a case of GMIL taking advantage, then again - boundaries. But if you didn’t have some sort of agreement to compensate GMIL for Mum staying there, it’s kinda taking the p to get upset about GMIL expecting Mum to earn her keep. I mean think about it, if GMIL showed up on your doorstep and expected to live with you for free, how would you feel about that? Even still though, if you didn’t have some sort of agreement, GMIL is going overboard with getting your mum to earn her keep. Way overboard. So Boundaries
Cont:
Jeez as always I g
Regardless of whether or not you made an agreement before Mum came over, you can still set boundaries.
I don’t know what the going rate is in your area for in home care providers for the level GMIL requires (housekeeping, meal prep, driving to appointments etc) but the company the VA used for the providers for my dad (he was a veteran) was paying the two of them each $19 per hour. One lady worked 10 hours, the other one worked 15 hours. They did all the cleaning, grocery shopping, meal prep & visited with dad for a total of 25 hours per week so that I could take a break from caring for him for the rest of the hours of the day.
I would find out what the going rate is for that kind of care, figure out a fair amount to pay GMIL for room and board and then set a firm
number of SCHEDULED hours that your mum will work by caring for her to cover the amount for room and board.
If GMIL is paying $1,500 a month in rent, $500 in utilities (internet/elec/heat/water ect) and she spends $800 per month on groceries then Mum should be working enough hours at whatever rate to cover half of the total of that amount( $1,400)
obviously those are just random numbers, but you get the idea
If the rate is $20 per hour and she needs to cover &1,400 for room and board, that equates to 70 hours per month of providing care. But, that is on top of also helping around the house in the way a roommate would. I am not saying she should do 70 hours and nothing else, it’s her home at this moment as well. But she should not be doing 70 hours as room and board and then another 200 taking care of the house because GMIL doesn’t feel like she has to.
In the instance of her working 70’hours, that would be roughly 17 hours a week which is nothing to be honest in regards to paying room and board!
Once you have figured out a fair agreement on what’s expected for your mum to earn her keep, she then needs to learn to clock out and not cater to GMIL. She can help her with little things, but she shouldn’t be adding hours and hours of cooking and cleaning and running errands on top of the agreement. If GMIL needs more help, she needs to pay your Mum for the extra hours or call her daughter. End of story.
One more thing, Your Mum is British and so you’re trying to get her a green card, correct? (I’m dual citizen UK/USA so I understand the process due to my late Mum being British) I am not accusing you of anything (I promise!! I have no idea what your situation is, this is just a friendly bit of advice. I am not asking you to tell me anything about the matter, I am again, just offering advice due to knowing about the process from experience) but if your mum is here under an ESTA, you will not be able to get her a green card or anything else that will allow her to work legally in the US. With the political climate as it is, please. If she wants to move here and work but she’s here on an ESTA, I strongly advise you to send her home & reapply for the correct sponsorship Visa. (Or if she is up to it, she could always apply for a student visa and go to uni over here. God knows we need more good educators in this country! nurses as well!! Ok nuff said about that. (And I PROMISE all of that was out of kindness & concern!)
good luck my dear!
1- Mum needs to move elsewhere as soon as possible. Help her figure out where to live and how she can do it. Get community resources involved if you need to.
2-Your entire household should step back from monitoring Grandma's unhealthy habits. It's not Mum's or anyone's else's responsibility. I don't care how much you love her and want to protect her - stop it. You can still be loving without taking responsibility for her unhealthy choices.
3-Okay, so maybe bringing your Mum here wasn't the best idea, but it's not a capital crime. ;-) We all make decisions in life that we regret later. I sure have. You'll begin to feel better once you commit to doing everything possible to get your Mum settled comfortably elsewhere. Make this your very top priority. Worry about Grandma later.
Your husband is not pleased your mother is here, and you're worried about fights erupting! Mum worked as a teacher's assistant in the UK.....you do realize there's no money in that job, right? So how, once she gets her work permit, is she to save enough money to rent a place of her own? Buy a car to get her back and forth to work?
The common denominator causing stress here is mum. Which brings me back to my original question: why did you bring her here, w/o a plan in place for her to live????? Now you're moving an hour away, so what becomes of mum? She's better off going back home and chalking this experiment off as a failure, unless you would like her to come live with you?
Did you think she wasn't going to become a care slave to your GMIL? For God's sake, grow up.
There definitely is some entitlement here and I'm sure it's not unfounded.
Does your mother pay rent to your GMIL to live in her house? If the answer to that question is 'no' then your GMIL has every right to expect her to earn her keep. She does not however have to live with being treated badly or worked to death.
So, it's time for you to make room for your mother (who you brought here) at your house. Or find her another living situation. Or send her back home to her country. You facilitated this mess and it's your responsibility to clean it up. So stop complaining, stop looking for pity because you have anxiety and depression (who doesn't?) and get your mother moved out of your GMIL's house.
If mom needs to start at entry level, the wages likely won’t be enough for her to afford an apartment on her own. I hope you take responsibility by either taking her in or subsidizing her independence. If she manages to work 40 quarters, she gets elder benefits that undocumented don’t.
Whatever on any of y’all’s version of the American Dream.
Their stepping in to do care will mean that the grandmother doesn't get the placement she should have.
You cannot decide things for other people. As you can see, deciding what is right for your own mother hasn't worked out well here.
It is best in daily life that we decide for ourselves what we can do/what we WISH to do, and then do it without thought to what others should do.
Your mother, by leaving her own country, has made herself vulnerable in THIS country in a number of ways. As this was something you enabled it makes you partly responsible for that, so I would see to it that she resigns from this caregiving and that you concentrate on her; she is the one you brought here.
Let family members know that she won't be doing the caregiving and supply them a date.
They should meet and come to some unified conclusion how things will go regarding grandmother in the future, and then TOGETHER go to the grandmother to explain the new situation and how it should be handled.
Wishing you the best.
And why did your mom have to move in with someone that isn't even family to her?
What needs to happen here other than your mom moving out, is that she needs to learn the word no.
NO I can't make you any meals today, and NO I can't take you to the doctor, you'll have to call an Uber, and NO I won't be cleaning your house anymore except for the room that I'm staying in, so you'll have to hire a cleaning person.
Sadly your mom didn't set the grounds rule before she agreed to move in with her, but it's not too late to set some now.
And after your mom learns the word no, I hope that she will find a new place to live where she's not being taken advantage of.
And quit running to the hospital every time grandma ends up there. No one should have to drop everything because of her bad choices. If no one ran there, perhaps grandma would realize that she needs to make better choices. And if she doesn't, well that is on her and she will have to lie in the bed that she made.
For some unknown reason it sounds like your grandma-in-law has you all wrapped around her little finger right where she wants you. So perhaps you ALL need to learn the word NO.
The woman is an adult and if she wants to make bad choices, STOP trying to rescue her.