My father-in-law can't remember how to go to the bathroom. He doesn't know what to do when he gets in to the bathroom. The same is true for the shower and other tasks. Someone has to tell him each step and he will ask multiple questionis and clarifications for each step.
I've read posts from the different people here who are caring for someone with dementia. One of the things that struck me is how different each person is. There are certain similarities, so we understand what each other is going through, but the abilities and personalities vary so much.
It sounds like your FIL is in a fairly late stage of dementia. This is very difficult for caregivers and I know it is even worse for the person with dementia. Something that I am glad to read is that he works with you, instead of against you, in caring for him. That is something to truly appreciate. He must be quite a gentleman. I am sorry that this disease did such damage. If you want some idea of what to expect in the future, check the later stages on www.alz.org. They won't be exactly like your FIL, since everyone is different, but it may help you to prepare. (((Hugs)))
My sister and brother dealt thus with my mother in her 90+ years dotage.
I always went along with her delusions because they made her happy to think her husband, dead more than a decade, would soon be home. It didn't occure to her that he never did get home. But, who was hurt?
It gave her happy moments in an increasingly unhappy and lonely life. That cannot be too much to ask.
It is not about being right or accurate: it is about being kind.
My Ma also believed she had three cats, but only had one. My sibs used to argue her until she became frustrated and angry. Who was the winner there?
If Ma said she had three cats and pointed them out to me, though they were but shadows, I saw them too!
How hard is that if it keeps a darling happy? My mother's mother, my mother, my sister, and my brother are all argumentative and cannot slide into peaceful gear to save their lives. If you said the Pope was a Roman Catholic, they would argue that he was a Jew!
Why spoil a good and comforting thing?
And sometimes there's not only one person's feeling to consider. Mom also used to get confused about who other (living) people were. She would be demand to see my dad. (His name is Aldo) She would turn to me and demand "I want to see Aldo". In that moment she clearly didn't know me, (or she would have said "your father" instead of "Aldo." Now, I didn't care that she didn't recognize me, but my father was nearly in tears, standing directly next to me as she said it. I would say "Mom, Dad is right here. Aldo is right here." And she would say, "Not him ! I want my Aldo" and push him away from her. This was crushing to my elderly father. How do you tell and 88 year old man that he has to pretend that he doesn't exist.
All I'm saying is that, there is no one size fits all answer. And even in cases where the "going along" is eventually the right answer, how do you know just when you're supposed stop trying to keep then oriented and in reality, and switch to "lying to them to make them happy"? Because they don't just arrive at the moment out of the blue. It's a long terrible slide down that slippery slope, with the caregivers fighting the deterioration for years, maybe decades. And unfortunately a good number of dementia patients are never happy, and never calm, and never cooperative, no matter how much you lie to them. Because for folks like my Mom, the lies never worked.
Keep answering the questions & just focus on one thing at a time...ex: lets wash feet....lets pee....& on & on....
BLESSINGS....
Hugs to everyone of us that has to deal with this terrible disease
As Wordsworth wrote,
"
We talked with open heart, and tongue
Affectionate and true,
A pair of friends, though I was young,
And Matthew seventy-two.
We lay beneath a spreading oak,
Beside a mossy seat;
And from the turf a fountain broke,
And gurgled at our feet.
"Now, Matthew!" said I, "let us match
This water's pleasant tune
With some old border-song, or catch
That suits a summer's noon;
"Or of the church-clock and the chimes
Sing here beneath the shade,
That half-mad thing of witty rhymes
Which you last April made!"
In silence Matthew lay, and eyed
The spring beneath the tree;
And thus the dear old Man replied,
The grey-haired man of glee:
"No check, no stay, this Streamlet fears;
How merrily it goes!
'Twill murmur on a thousand years,
And flow as now it flows.
"And here, on this delightful day,
I cannot choose but think
How oft, a vigorous man, I lay
Beside this fountain's brink.
"My eyes are dim with childish tears,
My heart is idly stirred,
For the same sound is in my ears
Which in those days I heard.
"Thus fares it still in our decay:
And yet the wiser mind
Mourns less for what age takes away
Than what it leaves behind.
"The blackbird amid leafy trees,
The lark above the hill,
Let loose their carols when they please
Are quiet when they will.
"With Nature never do 'they' wage
A foolish strife; they see
A happy youth, and their old age
Is beautiful and free:
"But we are pressed by heavy laws;
And often, glad no more,
We wear a face of joy, because
We have been glad of yore.
"If there be one who need bemoan
His kindred laid in earth,
The household hearts that were his own;
It is the man of mirth.
"My days, my Friend, are almost gone,
My life has been approved,
And many love me; but by none
Am I enough beloved."
"Now both himself and me he wrongs,
The man who thus complains;
I live and sing my idle songs
Upon these happy plains;
"And, Matthew, for thy children dead
I'll be a son to thee!"
At this he grasped my hand, and said,
"Alas! that cannot be."
We rose up from the fountain-side;
And down the smooth descent
Of the green sheep-track did we glide;
And through the wood we went;
And, ere we came to Leonard's rock,
He sang those witty rhymes
About the crazy old church-clock,
And the bewildered chimes."
--- William Wordsworth
He has had hallucinations and very often asks me how he can get hold of his wife. I do explain that I am indeed his wife, but he only answers, "If you say so", very politely. For a while he thought that the Army had sent me to cook for him. I do all the outdoor work - 4 acres of lawn - and do not have any regular help. Our son is nearby and comes to my rescue when things break down, or I need a day off, etc.
The last several days he is having much trouble buttoning his pants/shirts, fumbling and becoming frustrated. His balance is poor - peripheral neuropathy - as well as his eyesight. This evening he fell reaching for his walker and will probably be hurting in the morning - nothing broken..
There is no real conversation possible unless it is memories from long ago. We talked today about our realization 73 years ago today, the Fourth of July, that we were going to be a couple. And he went to war two years later, but we married first. He remembers all of this, but cannot remember what day it is or that the kids were here, visiting - grumbling that they 'never come over and don't care about him'. We have four - two close by and two 3 and 4 hours away. So, the short term memory is shot. He cannot understand why his wife allows me to do all the work around here.. And some days I swear he is back to normal. It is soo confusing.
I am lucky to be healthy and energetic enough to care for him and want to as long as I can. However, I am finding that it is harder to manage paper work and calling for driveway coating and house painting when needed and stuff like that. There is some depression which I assuage by reading, reading, reading... My computer is a godsend in keeping touch with friends and what's going on in the world..
So, my question also is just how long can I expect him to be manageable without seeking outside help? I fear having social workers come in and make assessments and rules that we might both resist, etc. But, is being independent and not asking for help detrimental? So many questions...
One of our neighbors thought she was commiserating with me years ago when she said, "You know, Lois, if you did not learn how to do this stuff, you wouldn't have to do it..." She doesn't know what she is missing. If it's a challenge, I go for it.
It takes all kinds, I guess.. and I'm usually the odd kind...
Talk about good judgement and VD, he showed me a photo of a bush hog today and thinks I should order one to use on the paths we have through the 200 some trees we planted around the property 24 years ago.. It can all be mowed if I can find the time to remove all the dead branches downed due to storms, etc. The grandkids usually get together and pick them up for me, but it has been a very busy summer for them this year.. A Bush Hog at age 90 - I think not!
But, I will think about your answer and talk it all over with the kids. And I shall ask the Dr. at our next visit what he thinks will be the next phase to expect...Thanks.
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