I'm sure this would cause a resounding "NO!" by care facilities, but I really think that a family member should be allowed to stay with residents to help ease them into a new living environment.
“Hey mom/dad. You’ll be living here now. Bye.” Seems like dumping even though the relatives are forced into it.
Why can't a family member help the residents put things away? Eat a few (paid for by themselves) meals? Spend the day(s) or even stay over night for several nights!
Of course, if a resident is not able to recognize their relative or do not relate to what's happening this is a whole different thing.
But if the resident is aware, having the family member just wave goodbye seems unnecessarily cruel.
Do caregivers agree or am I living in a fantasy world?
Some allow a spouse to move in with the actual "resident"
I can see it from both sides.
You should let your loved one get used to new people, new schedule, new routine.
If you have always done something one way and the staff has to do it another due to regulations you can not do things "your way"
When I placed my Husband in Memory Care for Respite I was advised to stay with him until he "settled down" Well with me there he did not settle down, he wanted to go home, he would not get into bed, if I got him into bed he wanted to get up. After about 2 hours of this I left and told the staff to let him settle in on his own. He did. he was fine for the rest of the time I was on vacation.
As I mentioned to someone else just recently often the transition is more difficult for the person that is placing their loved one in Memory Care and not the person with dementia that is now going to reside in Memory Care.
If we were to go there all it would be is a circle, she wants to leave, she hates the food, the people there are crazy, round n round we would go, she's upset, we're upset.
We did not dump her on the side of the road, she is safe, fed, bathed and watched over.
We have TT her on the phone and checked on her progress a couple of times a week.
Think of it as your LO is in summer camp, most camps do not want the family hovering over the child daily either, they want them to acclimate to their summer home.
Your mom is so lucky to have you, and it sounds like you’re so lucky to have your mom.
While there's no question it's traumatic to be moved from one's home, especially if they don't want to go, I think it's more effective to let the NH caregivers get the person acclimated without the emotion-triggering family around. Staying away for a week is plenty -- a month is absurd -- but helping the new resident acclimate to the routines is vital without having family members coming in to hover and throw it all off.
I've never heard of any nursing home that wouldn't let the family help the person get moved in and unpack. Make sure all their belongings are labeled with their name, and sew in printed name tags rather than use laundry markers that fade. Bring some family pictures to hang on the walls. Bring a nice bedspread they'd like. Help to make things feel familiar. Tell them you're nearby, hug them, and tell them you'll be back soon.
Then leave.
Check in with the NH daily to hear about their progress, but let the caregivers do their jobs without interference. That's why you placed your loved one, right?
I left my mom with the same admonition that her dad left her with when he took her to college in 1947: "Stick to the books and just forget about the boys."
It made her smile, and I think she was as content as could be expected. She did exactly as she did in college, too, and focused on the boys more than the books and invented an imaginary husband who stayed with her to her dying day, just as the boy she met in college did to his own dying day. 🥹
If family is staying the night or all day long the elder will not accept that they will be permanently living in the care facility. What would end up happening is a constant stream of complaints and demands to go home. This is because there is a history.
I was a caregiver for a long time. I have known elders who acclimated very well to being placed. They made friends and joined in activities too. The second a family member shows up they start crying about what a hellhole the facility is. That's followed by begging and demanding to be taken home. It can go on for several months or even years when family visits.
This is why family cannot stay with the elder when they get placed.
Many families who do stay away in the first weeks after placement, hire an aide that their LO doesn't know to check in on them and spend some time with them. I've been hired by families for this purpose many times. Then that aide reports back to the family. I reported back daily during the first weeks. Some people had a tougher time than others acclimating, but they did.
I remember one lady whose family placed her. The facility suggested the family stay away for at least a month so she could acclimate. I was hired by them to make two visits daily to her at the facility. The resident was told that I was hired to help her. I came late mornings and evenings for a five weeks. It took her about a week to get used to her room and the building. She made some friends early on and pretty much forgot about me by week three.
The second one of her family came to visit, she would get hysterical and beg and demand to be taken home. This resident lived in her AL facility for almost four years and died there. She behaved the same every time a relative visited her. If her family was showing up every day from day one, she would never have accepted being there.
This is why they tell families to stay away for a while.
As for staying there, no; or not unless there is a separate guest suite in the facility and you live too far away to make it practical to go home. You haven't been living in your parent's home before, and you don't want to set a precedent now either.
Everyone said wait a couple weeks so he can settle in. Nope, he will settle in just fine with me being present. If not, I can help him settle in.
I think it is totally dependant on cognition and attitude. If he was being mean and nasty, bye. Struggling to come to terms with a new reality, what can I do to redirect and comfort?
I absolutely agree with you.
I'd appreciate a little help unpacking...anybody would do. But some of my family would drive me nuts telling me where I should put things, what I didn't (or did) need to have, They don't make me feel more comfortable by being around.
On the other hand, if I am somewhat disoriented and have trouble finding my way around a new place, It would be nice to have help from someone I know. I'd rather they didn't stay overnight, though. I get along with them amicably enough, but don't want to have to play the "hostess" in an unfamiliar place.
Not everybody has family they get along with, let alone depend upon. Unless a person is quite confused, disabled, frightened and used to being dependent (which I am not) I think care facilities are wise in their policies. The new resident must get used to and come to trust new "caretakers" now.
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