I'm putting this in Burnout, b/c it will be seen by more people--and it does relate to CG--
I have a 'friend' (we USED to be friends, but she was just too screwed up to deal with and I had to 'break up' with her--nevertheless I still care about her).
She is 70. She has 'temporary custody' of 3 grandchildren ages 12, 11 boys and a 7 yo girl. One son, father of the kids. Mother is in and out of jail in another state.
This 'family' lived in her basement apartment for some years and the father got his CDL and left to work in the oilfields. Mother spent her days doing online porn and meth. One day, she simply split. Took the kids and disappeared. "L" was concerned but not frantic until she got a call 6 months later that the kids had been abandoned in a trailer miles from nowhere and the parents were nowhere to be found. CPS in this state moved them into foster care--where they thrived and were very happy.
Gma decides she is going to bring the kids back here and raise them on her own. At that time her husband was living and was willing to do so.
Brings the kids back here with the 'temporary' custody tag on them. State can't find the parents.
Long story short, her hubby is killed in a one car rollover and she is left with no income except her small pension from her Navy years. Parents are MIA. Basically, she is broke.
A couple of years ago, she finally tracks down her son, and asks him what to do with the kids. He says he will come home and work and they'll be a 'family'. Of course, he never shows up and she cannot contact him, he never sent her a dime.
She decided that she had to sell her home and get the kids in foster care, as they were proving too hard for her to handle. BUT, she never does anything. She still planned to sell her home, and so neighbors and friends rallied (and I admit, I was the ringleader in doing all this as she could not make decisions). We had the entire house packed into 2 HUGE moving pods and the garage was completely filled waiting for the 3rd pod--and her son surfaces again and demands she stay in the house. So she does. He disappears again and she moves the kids and her into the 1000 sf basement and they rent out the upstairs.
Not going to get into how much money I spent helping her--that's water under the bridge--but I told her, when she moved back into the house I could NOT help her anymore. She was making terrible choices and the kids were becoming worse and worse behaved.
She has been working FT as a teacher's aide since Jan 1. Been sick the entire time and worn out. She gets calls daily from the principals of both schools about the kids' horrible behavior. (And they truly are the worst kids I've ever seen-and that's saying a lot).
Took her dinner the other night as she had a drs appt. I went into the apartment and was immediately assaulted by the dog (some idiot gave them a labradoodle(?) anyway, it's ENORMOUS and untrained, so poops and pees wherever. There are dirty clothes and food boxes all over. There was nowhere for me to set a casserole dish. Literally, not one clean surface. The cat litter box is in the kitchen and it is overflowing with cat poop and is spread all over the place as the dog runs through it, I guess. It was so utterly filthy and disgusting. Dishes overflowing the sink, dishes on the floor---truly one of the worst homes I have ever seen.
OK, this is NOT the first time I've walked in her place and found it in this same state. But something just hit me in the gut. She's 70. Her health is tanking. People have helped her to the point that we are ALL burned out and she is not grateful.
My question and after writing all this, (seems that I have already answered it)--do I anonymously call CPS and turn her in?
Am I a horrible person for feeling this is well beyond her scope? I'm not getting involved again--but something has to be done.
If you read this entire post, I thank you. I don't want to see her have MORE drama.
You are NOT a horrible person but a CARING person, who got burned out but still wants to help.
So make the call to APS. Some may say let the chips fall but if me, I would make the call. Hopefully this lady gets connected to services to help her & these children.
Beyond her scope is a good way of putting it. We all have some things beyond our scope - the knack is knowing what they are & seeking help. Sounds like obtaining help is also beyond her scope at this stage - must be overwhelmed.
Just stand well back out of the flames - don't get burnt this time.
She needs a village to help bring up those kids. Just state that if your (ex) friend finds out you called & is angry.
You called & authorities alerted. I don't think there is anything more you can do.
Options have been put before Gma. She's taken or ignored them. The kids will run up against the law & jeuvie. I hope in the future they encounter a good Social Worker who is able to show them paths different to their current tradjectory.
Gma will add to the statistics of people in Medicaid funded NH when she can no longer look after herself.
My sister's doctor told me 'you cannot help people who will not accept help or help themselves'.
I could call APS but I think the outcome will be the same. L will fake up her southern accent and act the victim and we will be right back here.
Turns out, I was NOT the only person who called CPS. There already was a pretty hefty file on this family.
She HAS BEEN given the names and ph numbers of all the agencies and programs that are available to her. She just doesn't follow through. The only reason the kids now have CHP is b/c the oldest boy had pneumonia and she had to take him to the ER--where it became pretty obvious that these kids had fallen through the system. They now have medical care, which, since they ALL have had respiratory problems since they moved into the basement apt and have to be seen regularly--L was a nurse, but when she deals with anything medical--she seems absolutely baffled. I think she retired at 50 and in 20 years things had changed.
I did take copious notes from the SW. She didn't say the case was 'closed' she said HER part of it was closed--so hopefully, it's moving up the chain. She also said she's call me, which remains to be seen.
I'm sure a lot of you think I am way too involved in this, but unless I 'take myself there' I really don't think about it. I was abused as a child--and so to see kids fall through the system makes me sick. My abuser needed help--and never got it. So I suffered in silence for many, many years.
I will see this family at church in a few minutes. I will be polite, as I always am, but will not offer to do anything to help L, unless it's to haul her to the bank to deposit all those checks. I do worry about her ability to ignore the obvious--but she didn't even raise her son--he was her husband's 'project' and by age 11 was in juvenile facilities until he was 18. So she has not clue how rough life can be with pre-teen and teen boys.
Again--thanks beyond words for simply supporting me. I am all alone in this--haven't even told DH, and never will!
This situation is so awful. You know these people. You’re not speculating about it. You have been involved in their lives. Just think about what goes on behind closed doors of people we don’t even know because it’s kept hidden until it hits the news on television or social media. It’s terribly sad. Makes a person wonder how often these types of things go on. So much dysfunction in our world.
To whomever mentioned reading about "Fragile Victim Narcissists"--a million thanks. I watched several videos and took notes. That's what L is!! Like, to a T!
So worth the watching and reading. I feel 50% less crazy now.
Sadly, FVN rarely see this trait in themselves and don't seem to respond well to therapy.
But it will help me as I have another FVN in my life--but I can totally control the boundaries with her. I have to say, hard as it's been, I have learned a lot.
I spoke to the SW and she said she had closed the case, and although it's 'active', stuff will get added in as they continue to decompensate.
The 2 older boys were caught breaking into a neighbor's home. Man of the house is a BIG guy and he grabbed them by the scruffs of their necks and hauled them home. L apologized for what the boys had done---but nothing will happen.
It will get worse. Personally, I know if they try to get in my home, I will restrain them and call the cops.
Since we're all in isolation now for the forseeable future, I know, barring anything outrageous, they won't be removed from the home before summer, if at all.
Maybe we all might have a neighbor/friend similar. Yours is a really sad and concerning situation as she has not responded to your helping her, and just uses you.
We are having church online right now, as I no longer attend that church because of a neighbor who followed me to church one day.
Thank you for sharing how you are coping so far.
L lives NEXT DOOR to my Bf. It's impossible to NOT hear about things--and also, I want to see those kids HELPED before it's too late.
Energy vampires--that's a apt phrase.
One of my best school teachers had been in a youth gang (in the 60-70s?). Went to Juevie. A Salvation Army 0fficer offered him the choice at 18 of jail or a scholarship to study teaching.
Stay safe.
I have no doubt the older boy will be in the 'system' soon enough.
Right now, b/c of the pandemic, CPS is focusing on much more serious cases. This one will be dealt with in due time--it's rapidly decompensating.