This afternoon my loving husband of 32 years asked a question I was dreading to hear. “Why don’t I remember you?” I’m devastated, help me.

Donnamarie - How did it go looking at the albums, do you think it may be that he doesn't recognize you rather than he doesn't know you or remember you? That his mind is now in a different time and he can't reconcile this 63 year old woman with the sweet young thing he expects you to be?

Q: Why do people with dementia remember some people but not others?

A: "For some people with dementia, the gradual loss of recent memories means the person may still remember you, but expect to see a younger person in front of them. In others, the part of the brain that is responsible for recognizing faces can become damaged. This is referred to as 'proposagnosia'."

Here is a link to a helpful article on the subject with tips about what you can do:

https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/understanding-changes-in-behaviour/things-to-try-when-someone-with-dementia-stops-recognising-you/

It can happen that your Dh will have good days & bad days, too. My mother is 94 with advanced dementia; she calls me her mother. She has days where she believes her mama & papa are alive and others where she's almost her old self. Every day with dementia is totally different, keeping us off kilter ALL the time! My mother lives in a Memory Care AL, and I will tell you, it's been a real Godsend to me b/c it's just too much to deal with advanced dementia at home, for most people. She gets a GREAT level of care in MC and I go visit her on Sundays, so it works out well. You may want to look into Memory Care for DH as well, for down the road, so you have a Plan B in mind if need be.

Good luck!

I understand what you are saying. I was prepared and provided different pictures of us through our years together. He studied the pictures and still seemed confused. It’s funny, he remembers his early childhood. Memories of his mom, dad, and siblings. Places he lived and good times growing up with his brothers. He even remembers his ex-wife. I just wish I can know where I exist in his memories. I guess for now I can be thankful for the good days and not dwell on the bad.

HI sweetie. First,here's a big hug because I know you are devastated. The first time my husband asked me where the "upstairs girl" went, I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. There are just the two of us in the house, and it's a one-story. He thinks he is in his childhood home, where the bedrooms were upstairs.
I explained there were only the two of us and that I am the upstairs girl. He just smiled like he was humoring me.
I am alternately the upstairs girls, the person in charge, his high school girlfriend, and that other one.
His caregiver told him I was his wife named Maggi and he told her he needed to see proof.
So, my advice is to go with the flow. His brain is broken. He is not the man you married anymore, but you have all the memories of all the good times. That's what keeps me going.

Your story is heartbreaking. I am so very sorry. It’s crushing not to be recognized by a loved one. I was upset when my godmother no longer recognized me. I can’t even imagine having my husband not recognize me. That to me is the absolute worst.

While this is really sad, it's very common with dementia.

Accusing you of stealing is common as the dementia gets worse. It may be something that medication can help with? I'd talk to his doc. He appears to be declining into a new level of dementia, IMHO.

As you're seeing, he is not himself anymore. As I have learned here from other posters, his brain is broken. You have to learn to NOT take it personally. He is not the man you married anymore. I'm sure you are grieving and this is a big loss. Especially at such a young age.

Regarding why is it only you? Basically, who knows? Dementia is a cruel and unpredictable disease. You can't expect to make sense out of it. The best you can do it learn how to roll with the changes that will continue to come your way.

I hope that you are getting some in-home help. You need to have some time and experiences away from your husband. As things progress, you will also probably need to consider when/if you will need to place him somewhere where he can be monitored 24/7. It's a 24/7 job and it's rarely feasible to do that at home. Not without lots of help anyways.

So sorry for this difficult situation you are in.

My mother seems to remember (or forget) people or things one day and then she'll be perfectly fine the next. One day she thinks she's still married to my dad (now divorced over 40 years) and doesn't even remember my stepdad (Earl) of 20 years.....the next day she's reminiscing about how great Earl was. Things can change by the hour and it's all beyond their control. I think one of the hardest times for me is when my 81 year old mother.....calls ME mom🙁

It sounds like you handled things perfectly.

A lot depends on the underlying cause of the dementia and what part of the brain is impacted. I was able, through different statements (her asking for her mother) and other "discussions" to figure out my mother was "living" her life about 40 years ago. I was visiting on a regular basis up until the virus, so she got "reinforcement" for my face, etc. (of course your husband sees you every day, so that's a different issue.) Even though she was back 40 years ago, I would have been an adult by then - younger, but still an adult. Her "step back" in time happened about 9 months after moving to MC, and pretty much stayed there. Eventually there would have been additional step backs, but she had several strokes first.

I know she still knew who I was because a staff member took a pic when I was dropping off supplies and showed mom. She asked why I didn't come in, so clearly she still remembered me. Sadly before that and after the stroke I did try some visits (one outside, one later inside after the stroke.) Between dementia, poor eyesight, limited hearing, masks and keeping distance, it isn't clear she even knew I was there. The picture indicates she would have, without the masks. I regret not taking it off and getting up close during that last visit.

Before the virus, my daughter wanted a pic, so we had someone take one of the 3 of us. When I showed it to her, she asked who "those girls" were, indicating the two of us! Then she asked if that was Nana, pointing to her image and referring to her mother. So, her own self-image was distorted too. She'd also forget she wore a hearing aid. When I'd ask where it was, she'd say I don't wear one. I'd find it in her room and bring it to her. Then it was "Where'd you find that?" Most likely that hearing aid was probably just coming into the picture around that time, 40 years ago, so she'd forget, but then remember!

So, perceptions do change. Recent memories are lost, just like the short term memories. It isn't just forgetting the recent times. Over time more and more recent memories are lost, but longer term memories, including parents, childhood siblings and homes, etc. stick around longer. Eventually even those are lost.

"But, I still don’t understand why it’s only me he doesn’t remember."
and
"It’s funny, he remembers his early childhood. Memories of his mom, dad, and siblings. Places he lived and good times growing up with his brothers. He even remembers his ex-wife."

More than likely it ISN'T just you he doesn't remember. Has anyone else come by to visit? Does he have children? Do his siblings visit? Old friends or neighbors? Because of the virus, it's probably just the two of you. Once it is safe to have others visit, try that and see what happens.

"I just wish I can know where I exist in his memories."

Given you've been married 32 years AND he remembers the ex-wife, you can likely peg his "life" at more than 32 years ago, just as I was able to peg my mother's "life" at about 40 years ago. Asking the right questions might help bring his current "life" into perspective.

"I guess for now I can be thankful for the good days and not dwell on the bad."

Yes. Even if he doesn't know who you are, so long as he is agreeable and accepts having you there, go with it. YOU are the keeper of the memories now. Cherish them. If he's having a bad day (or hour or week, etc), go with the flow. He accuses you of taking his money, just say you set it aside for safekeeping. You'll have to figure out his hiding places, so that if he asks for whatever he's accused you of taking, you can locate it and present it to him.

If there are other family members or friends and neighbors you were close to, I would try the "test" when it is safe to do so. Have visits with just one at a time and see if he recalls who they are. He might not recognize his own siblings, if his mental image is a 10 yo, not an older adult! You may find that you aren't the only one he has lost memory of.

Dear Donnamarie 58,

The hardest thing I endure in my everyday struggles helping mom take care of my dad who has dementia, is watching my mom suffer along side him. They have been married for 65 years. It’s hard, as his daughter, but, it is sooooooo much harder on Mom. It has to be so much worse for you, like mom, to be so deeply in love with your husband and watch him become a stranger right in front of you. It is heart wrenching to see the pain that you feel.

it will eventually happen to mom the same thing that happened to you. It has already happened to me. Even though I’ve been back home for a couple of years now, here with him everyday, he has forgotten who I am. :(

I wrote this poem I would like to share with you:

My daddy forgot my name today
It seems so strange to say
This day became eventual
As daddy fades away

Letters on white paper
Not etched into his mind
Just a word, just a word
A word he could not find

Repeating my name
Five, Ten times... gone
Trying to grasp and keep it
Asking, "What went wrong?"

Gone... but forgotten
Blurry time and space
What's in a name, Dad?
See the smile on my face?

We put our trust in God
One hour at a time
We cling onto Dad's spirit
As time erases his mind

Our love knows his heart
A heart that's strong and true
We remember his strength
And the things he used to do

We treasure every moment
We treasure every smile
From dawn to time for bed
Facing each and every trial

Outside a storm is brewing
The world is in a hurry
Unkind words and heartbreak
Stress and work and worry

In the arms of God, 
Where we are living still,
Peace returns, enters joy
Blessings are so REAL!

My Daddy forgot my name today
And, that's OK with me
Believing in what God has planned
Is all we will ever need

My heart breaks for you.  I am so sorry.  Dementia is such an "odd and ugly" loss, because the person is still right in front of you, yet they are gone.  I pray for you to have strength during this time, because it will only get more difficult as you have to make decisions for his care, navigate the finances of it all, etc...

Hearing those words from the one you love is devastating.  Having a support group to know you aren't alone is helpful...at least I think so.

Take care DonnaMarie.

My 94 year old mother with dementia asked me today, “Lisa, how are you & I related?” I responded, “I’m your daughter….” Next question was, “Do I have a husband…?” Me: “Yes, but he’s deceased.” Mom: “What did he die from?” This is nothing compared to Mother’s Day…she was escaping wheelchair & had to put her back into bed …she insisted on calling police to find my father…who died 29 years ago ..she claimed he went to work & then went across street to do work for a neighbor..but didn’t come home…no amount of explaining he’s not alive…she refused to believe that..even showed her a picture of his foot stone in cemetery…to which she swears that’s not him. To top it off, she wanted to call my dead grandmother too on the phone ☎️. She probably was in some psychosis.

Bottom line:
This is no picnic 🧺

HUGS 🤗

I have been through this same experience and understand how upsetting this can be. It is equally distressing for the person with dementia as they cant understand why they are feeling different. It feels that you have lost the loved one and they are like a different person at times. The best way to help the dementia suffering person is to answer as if whatever they are saying is right and normal . In this way you are easing their confusion but of course it will be very hard for you to do this. I noticed that you mentioned that it was only you that he doesnt remember. This often happens to the person most close to them and also remember that it the brain deteriorating and causing all the trouble . The patient unfortunately hasnt any control over all this. You sound like a very kind and loving person and my thoughts are with you.

It is a horrible disease, for both the one affected and all those close to him or her. This is a very common result and the most important fact is — it is not personal. It is a product of a deteriorating brain. Seek help now, and just keep on telling him you love him.

Hello DonnaMarie
I am touch by your overall concern for husband of 32 year.

You sound like a faithful women of your marriage vows ;to love unconditionally.

Now is the time to take care of yourselves “first”. Seek resources pertaining to this aging disease,which will be like a rollacoaster ride for you,your husband and all whom involved in his life.

Establish some me time for yourself. This will help to keep your focus on you.

Your husband is relying on you:therefore finding ways to build your strength,can help you.

I do pray that you find Godly wisdom. Try mediation,jouralling. Keep coming to this web site.

You will find amazing people whom will support you!

Have a peaceful,pleasant day,🙏🏾. God bless you and your family.

The best way for you to understand it is as a series of mini strokes (this may or may not be what is actually happening). When a person has a stroke, that part of the brain dies along with loss of whatever it controlled. He lost memories of you. He is also losing memories or control of other things. Getting mad doesn't change the situation. Understanding and creating caring moments "in the present" is all you can do. Photo albums are good to show that you and your spouse do indeed have a loving connection.

While this is devastating, you have to just let it roll off your shoulders and remember that each day part of his brain is dying and that even though he does not remember you, it is not personal, it is part of whatever disease he is diagnosed with. Continue to show him love and patience, is my best advice.

Is it just you he isn’t remembering or is it just that you are always around at the times he forgets people or that you spend time preparing him when other family members come to visit or you go to them? I can’t explain the accusations and suspicions other than to say it’s a very common phase and talked about here often but I will offer this when he talks to you about not recognizing you and even more significantly his fears, it says to me that in his gut, in he’s being, he knows he can trust you and that for me is a measure of your deep tie still there. It’s his brain not his being, his soul if you will, that is causing these very real but surface disconnects and the fact that it is scary for him and he recognizes something is wrong indicates to me that all of his connections aren’t gone yet so keep doing what your doing, reviewing happy times and reminding him he’s safe.

Now the other thing I want to say is more difficult. If you haven’t already it is time to have a plan I place that you can put into immediate action in case he becomes too much for you to handle, I mean this in the safety realm. It doesn’t sound like his body is keeping up with his mind in the deterioration department and he’s still relatively young so his delusions may become too dangerous to you and to himself for you to remain his only caregiver, you will need help and the time may very well come next week that being home is no longer the safest and best place for him. Please don’t be caught off guard on this, find the best case, safest situation for both of you and have it ready so you don’t have to do this in crisis mode and settle with what you get.

Last but far from least if the sharp decline has happened that quickly make a visit to his PCP just to make sure there is no UTI or other infection throwing his brain off balance, I can’t tell you just how sensitive my moms delicate brain balance is when it comes to infections (typically UTI) we often know before it shows up on a urine test simply based on her behavior change and have to go back a second time before the infection actually shows up on testing.

This is a horrible disease and it seems like often the easier it gets on them, the harder it gets for and on us the people that love and care for them. Enjoy your moments and know you are the loving partner he married whatever you need to do, no second guessing yourself.

So many wonderful responses in this discussion. The challenge for you is also not to try and figure out how to get him to remember, because dementia is at the most basic level, brain failure. One of the many functions of the brain is memory. If memories are failing the most recent are often the least rooted. Research does not know what, why, or how this happens but yes many experience being 20, 30, 50 years younger and looking for their children, parents, young siblings.
One other suggestion I have not seen thus far in this discussion is to try to play music from the time period he seems to be his mind. Play music that he knows and likes. Research has also shown that music reconnects the brain somehow with the complexity of the connections it requires. Glen Campbell was able to still sing and play even though he did not recognize his family.
best to you and your husband, you have the healthy brain and you have your memories of him. Hold those, cherish those, and don’t blame yourself because you can’t make him remember. His brain is failing him, support him as best you can, and as others have said, make sure to take care of yourself and seek help whenever possible to give yourself a break, ask for help, either professional home care or a memory care community if it becomes too much or he is in danger by trying to escape and go “home”.

When my mom lived with us, when she had Alzheimer's, she'd accuse my husband of stealing things from her purse. She had $5 in there and a lipstick; let him knock himself out. I even wrote a book about our travails taking care of her called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I have a chapter entitled "Steel Yourself for Stealing." My mom would accuse my friends of coming over to steal her bathing suits, of all things. She'd often hide her purse or her cell phone. We played "Hide and Seek " on a daily basis, often at the most inopportune times. Her accusations really shocked me, as we had always gotten along so well. I knew, when accusations would fly out of her mouth, that it was the disease talking, and not her. For the most part, she remembered me, but the few times she didn't, I just reminded her that I was her daughter. Best of luck.

people with dementia will hide things regardless if they feel they know you or not. my dad would hide things, get things out of the "safes" and scatter them thru out the house and the next week, things would be back where they belonged. I know it has to hurt, and if he still doesn't remember after going thru albums, just let him know that his wife had to run an errand and that (give your name) is there as a friend to stay with him until she gets back. then ask him to tell you about things he did in the past. it will get harder and depending on how long you were married, he is going to remember things way before you too got involved. Sometimes my dad would say to my mom that "she was his mother"......then the next time she was his wife. its how the mind is. wishing you luck.

My husband also had dementia and consider yourself lucky that your husband told you what he was feeling. my husband of 52 years believed someone just dropped him off at our house so me and my son could take care of him. He did not share this fact with us for a very long time and we could not understand his indifference and at times downright anger. My husband did not remember just us, he did not remember any member of our families. It took time and patience to convince him who we were, that we loved him very much, and he was going to be with us all the time so we could take care of him. Stop and do some research. Your husband is suffering more than you are, believe me. My husband passed away in June of last year and I wish I had hugged him more, told him I loved him more often, and kept my self pity to a minimum. Regrets. You better believe it but it is too late, isn’t it. Please wise up!

my mother had vascular or a mixed type of dementia....................she also had delusions..........it was so hard to watch..............at one point she thought that my name was hers............she did not recognize me when she transferred out of a skilled nursing facility.................the masks made things extra confusing.......but I was devastated at watching the course of this illness...................sometimes an infection, especially a UTI can make things worse.........has your husband been tested?.........at least that can be treated..........I would call his PCP and explain the situation.............however, dementia is a progressive illness and watching my mother's downhill course was horrific...............however, it sounds like your husband is at a much earlier stage of the illness, and that he still has the insight to know that something is wrong...................does he have a neurologist?.............or his PCP can assess him for any anything that might have contributed to his confusion....................usually a UTI is one of the first things that they'll look for...............however, it is a cruel illness, and progresses over time..........I watched this in my mother..........finally I stopped trying to correct her as it did no good..........she would repeat the same things................I couldn't get my mother to focus on anything.........it sounds like you did the right thing to try to orient your husband, and perhaps he is at a much earlier stage than what I witnessed in my mother's course with this progressive illness....................as far as it only be you that he doesn't remember, I don't know........but sometimes the confusion I found had no rhyme or reason to it..........I wish comfort to both of you

Google the phenomenon known as Cap Gras. It also referred to as imposter syndrome where a person with dementia does not recognize a loved one or a pet but has no problem recognizing others also check out YouTube on the subject.

Dear Donnamarie58,
Judging by your age you and I are a year apart I was born in 59. I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ 5 yrs ago a month before my 57th birthday. I have learned a lot on this site over the years. Most recent Neuropsych Report, said I was in mid-late stage Dementia. The recent situation you have found yourself in is close to what I am going through. My DW is 8 yrs younger than me. We've made a follow up appointment with the Neuropsych Dr. for the first week of June, we want to ask him how he came to his diagnosis. My DW and I disagree with this diagnosis but accept I am in Midstages, I still cut the grass, bushes, vacuum in the house, wash dishes do laundry. The Nueropsych Dr says I need 24/7 supervision and care.
When I read your story about your DH forgetting who you were, is an issue in own mind and I'm terrified of reaching that point. My suggestion is, keep up what you've been doing, showing pictures of you together over the years, talk about places you've been to, and just assure him you understand he is in a new place, but you will be there for him when he needs you. Gently re-inform him of the same stories, keep showing the pictures etc. I believe what you've been doing is the best thing you can do.
Personally I've told my DW exactly how far away I want to be moved when I can no longer be cared for at home, and that I want her to place me 100 miles from where we live, so the family doesn't have to spend every non working moment visiting me. I want them to go on enjoying their lives. I know my DW has exceptional health and I want her to go about building a new life for herself, because she deserves, to enjoy life, we've worked hard over the 27yrs of our dating and married life. Think about what you might like for your future. My DW and I have been sharing our way through this journey from the beginning. I know she agrees with my requests, don't know if she'll really go forward with them, but I've wanted her to know my thoughts. Share all the thoughts you can with your DH. My hopes and prayers are for you and your DH. I wish you both the best.

My husband died from a brain tumor and my dad from dementia. A lot of my husband’s behavior toward the end was similar to dementia because of what was going on in his brain. He became very suspicious of everyone being against him and even though he was in his own bedroom he kept asking me when he could go home. He thought he was in some kind of facility because he had a hospital bed at that point. At first I kept telling him this is your home, remember you installed that door and window and painted the walls and put up all the trim in here (he was a remodeler by trade) but finally I just had to say “we will go home when you are able to but until then I’m going to stay with you.” When I took care of my dad he thought I was starving him because he couldn’t remember 10
minutes after he had a meal and many other behaviors like that. The only thing I can tell you is to make sure you have respite care in place because that is a lifesaver. And get counseling if you need it and in home medical help for your husband when going out becomes more difficult.

Wow! Your story is almost exactly like mine - except that my wife of 47 years has had Parkinson's for 19 years and her Parkinson's meds have caused her to get Parkinson's psychosis which was diagnosed 3 years ago. She has also been diagnosed with a more specific dementia called Capgras Syndrome in which she thinks her primary caregiver (me) is an imposter. She has done and said everything that your husband has said and done to you. It's almost identical to what I'm going through. I am also the only person in her life that she doesn't know.
As far as advice, everything you stated that you have done is exactly what I have done. I really don't know what else to do either. It's extremely frustrating, as you well know. Some meds have helped a little, but not much. I also have to deal with her Parkinson's physical disabilities, so many days I feel like I am a 24/7 caregiver. It's been over 3 years since this has felt like a marriage. I know this may not help you much, but it is good to know that someone else is going through the same thing you are. I'd love to find a support group for people like us but, even if I did, I'd have a hard time getting away because of her numerous problems. I wish I could say it'll get better, but unfortunately it won't. My best advice is make sure you get some time for yourself because this situation wears on you. There are a lot of days that I feel that I just hate my life. Hopefully you don't get that same feeling.

Are you being vain dying your hair? No judgement serious question even changing slightly from what he's known for 35 years might make you a completely different person to him. So don't change your hair to look younger , don't loose or gain a bunch of weight , change your normal make up routine . It could be anything little thing you might not realized would make a big difference but too someone with dementia it's going to be a big difference. My Aunt had to start wearing glasses a few years ago and every time she put them on to read something my Grandmother would start hollering at her to get out of her home and hollering for my Aunt and father and her dead husband to come help her . Aunt Irene would take the glasses off and grandma would immediately calm down and want her to go find the that strange lady with glasses and get her out of the house shaking in fear of her daughter she had known 50 years and given birth to. I'm not saying it's your fault he's confused I'm just trying to help you not be his confusion because he's more alone and afraid then you are because he can't think clearly and remember and you haven't mentioned having the same problems. I wish you luck and pray you are able to keep him calm and you can find a way to quickly get him recognizing you in the future. Maybe keep a photo album in your purse of you together and together with your children so you can easily reference it with him

It's very possible that he will remember you again and because you are providing the past to him with photos and your memories, there can be times of clarity about you for him. My mom asked me yesterday if I had ever been young. I think she was remembering me as younger and so I showed her photos of the two of us together from many years ago. It seemed she sort of returned there to that time as we continued our visit, laughed as she was laughing in one of the photos and told me how much I mean to her.

The other thing about the accusations of stealing money and it being his house, you just have to try to not get too upset about it. Arguing will make it worse, but it is really hard to not be trusted. Eventually, those kinds of thoughts he has will most likely go away. They did with my mom and she's trusted me completely for many years now. She's in memory care now, but seems to know me still.

Hello, I am so sorry you are facing this difficult situation. It is heartbreaking to lose the person. That said, I see many recommendations for respite care which I strongly support. I would also recommend that legal work be put in order so your husband in his confusion does not enter into legal agreements because his signature is still valid. Secure an attorney to address these matters and prevent further problems. My first husband died of a brain tumor and my mother had vascular dementia. I "disappeared" for both of them in their mind, even tho I was the most constant family member. My husband in his confusion talked trash about me to his visiting sister and mother and they did not take into consideration his mental status. I believe he was trying to present himself as more capable. A medically trained mutual friend visited and poo-pooed my reports of his status until she experienced it first hand then she ran for the exit. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your husband. Become familiar with the options available to you as the disease progresses. If there is a support group nearby, consider attending. Individuals in the same situation have a clearer understanding of the difficulties and realities. Folks on the outside, however well-meaning, cannot understand the issues.