The same questions asked over & over...how do you cope with it?

Question

The same questions asked over & over...how do you cope with it?

Follow

Share

My mom has been diagnosed with Dementia and is now in the latter moderate stage. Any suggestions?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Burnout Dementia Behaviors Moderate Dementia

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

33 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

1 2

I put Dr appts for both on calender so my mom could go see when she had appts. It helped her to not ask my dad whose 86 as well and myself about their appts. She can also use it to see what day it is as well. I write her meds whrn we took them so she can go look. When she asked I would say let's go look. Then after a few walking her through it. I would tell her momma remember the calender and she go see . it helped us but I know it won't always . did I mention her CT showed nothing abnormal but something isn't right. I'm at the puffing all time like can't breathe . the repetive compuldion to change thermo every few min from hot to cold. Coffee to hot to cold. Coming in to say she's tired going bed then up and starts over. Plus I'm taking care ofb86 year old dad whose a double amputee and giving up cause he can't watch what she is going through. If that's not enough. In college to become a nurse. I'm praying they see me grad in Dec and she remembers it if just briefly .

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

its extremely hard. I wasn’t as good as I could have been. But. I’m not up for being Canonized. . In my experience, this was one of the signs that things we’re getting worse. When her safety was jeopardized, If I wasn’t right next to her , all the time, I knew I couldn’t do it solo anymore. About 5 years ago, she was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive impairment, about 3 years ago , the state revoked her license. . She also started to fall a lot, She stopped sleeping in her room. Her disease progressed. She started to record where I was and when I returned. So much more insanity than I can write. However , the event that led me placing her was very significant. I told her that I was taking the dog for a ride. My daughter was with her. My daughter said grandma, mom is taking the dog for a ride ( at this point , my mother couldn’t be left alone at all). My husband is pulling out of the garage , my mother is right behind the car, screaming where is Ellie? ( the dog). My husband was driving. Had his car not had the warning beeps,, he would have backed over her. Another incident occurred, about the same time, we were having the deck repaired. There was no railing while the steps were being replaced. The workers had to put up a wooden barrier from the kitchen deck door so my mother wouldn’t attempt to walk down. She had fallen down those steps a few months earlier. For me, it was the reality, that she couldn’t be alone for even an hour. she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in June 2019. She’s been in memory care since July, 2019

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Um, my mother has dementia & constantly repeats the same stories over & over & over again. I will say with 100% certainty that I will NEVER miss this, no matter what. People here can lay on the guilt card talking about Oh You Will Miss Your Mother When She's Gone but guess what? That has ZERO to do with the irritating truth of the repetitious behavior which is beyond annoying.

I can also say with 100% certainty that I will miss my mother when she dies. But I will NOT miss her dementia in any way, shape or form. Period.

Let's get real here folks. There is nothing good about this disease or the behaviors it brings with it.

I wish I had a magic answer for you to help you cope with this situation. I don't. If I had that answer, I'd use it myself. My mother told me the exact same story 5x in a row last night when I spoke to her on the phone. I deal with this all the time at my job in a Memory Care community as a receptionist; one of the residents is allowed out to chew my ear off daily, saying the exact same things over and over again. Nope. Not ONE good thing about it.

Good luck, my friend. I feel your pain.

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

Yes you are right, I will miss my mother when she goes. In my mind she has already gone. This woman I care for is not my mother. She doesn’t know who I am, or anything about my life. She calls me a friend. This person has overtaken my life, I have become her prisoner. She cannot do anything for herself. She can only feed herself, everything else I have to do for her. If she had her mind or memory it probably wouldn’t be as hard. I really don’t have sympathy for her, she has no life to speak of, she sits in a chair, watching tv most of the day unless she is asleep. Has no memory of the previous day. If I bring her out, she denies that I was the one, it is some imaginary character who took her out. And yells at me saying I’m lying. And says i hate it here, I want to go home to my Mother.
So no I will not miss this Invasion Of The Body Snatchers!

(7)

Report

I dealt with this with my Dad. It was very difficult to hear the same questions or stories, but, I found there were times I could redirect the conversation slightly to make new conversations. The people with dementia don't even know they are repeating their comments.
I was told by one of my friends when her mother was aging as really a joke, but it stuck. " Senility, you meet someone new every 5 minutes". Take it in its course and accept, as there maybe a time where she doesn't recognize who you are and if it does happen, you will be glad of her memories of the same questions being asked.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

It can be so frustrating/boring/annoying hearing and answering the same question over and over again! My MIL's favourite is "How was your day?". It's natural to sometimes get frustrated. To some degree you get used to it. Sometimes, after answering the question a few times, sometimes with the same answer, sometimes switching up the answer, sometimes giving ridiculous answers to get a laugh, I get tired of answering so I distract by asking her questions or engaging her in a discussion that might capture her interest. She often remembers things from her childhood so my family has learned to ask her questions about her parents and siblings or how she met her husband. We might also ask about her schooling or school mates. She has a great sense of humour so we can also joke about people she knows.

Good luck!

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Patience, understanding and thoughtfulness.
Imagine the fear of living day to day not remembering simple things.
I put myself in my moms shoes and it puts it in perspective.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

With Dementia a person is living one moment at a time without much connection forward or backward. In some ways we would all be better off if we fretted less about the future and obsessed less over the past, so maybe we should appreciate our LO's repetitions for their endless "freshness."

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Everybody should remember that we all will b in their shoes some day. Then they will b looking down and say "well, now you know how we felt when you couldn't understand me and my repeating"

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Yes, it's awful. My mother is driving me nuts too. For instance, she trusts me with her money and I have to explain all the time what I'm doing with it. But I realize that, though I explain everything I do, since she can't remember, the result for her is that she sees me working and has no idea what I'm doing, ever. I told her so : it must be disquieting for you, never to know what I do. She said : yes, that's why I ask questions, but I trust you. For this answer, I'm very thankful and will bear much more. I know lots of people not only have parents with dementia, but getting paranoid.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

My mother has Alzheimer's. She asks the same questions over and over and over every few minutes, sometimes seconds. She drives me absolutely crazy. Her repetitive and incessant questions are torturous. They gnaw at my very nerves and make me want to scream.

I can not pretend I hear the questions for the first time, nor answer as such. That's asking too much of my sanity. So, my way of coping? I nod, or grunt, or try to mentally block out her voice, or pretend I didn't hear the questions, or avoid being in her proximity, and I turn up the radio when she's in the car with me. This is my way of coping so I can survive this stressful caretaking journey.

Helpful Answer (10)

Report

polarbear...

There are some good ideas here and some I'll add to my way of handling things. However, out of all the replies yours is the one that struck me the most real.

I just want to ((hug)) you.

If we're all honest we have have the same feelings/moments you have and if not it's only a matter of time before we do.

I've been the caretaker for my parents, my in-laws and an aunt for 27 years. Sometimes I shine at it and sometimes I don't.

If you need someone to vent to and just have an adult conversation with just ask for my email and I'll give it to you.

I'll include you in my prayers...

(2)

Report

See 1 more reply

This, too, will end. Remember it; you will come to miss it.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I can literally answer the questions while thinking about something completely different. Today in the car we had the same discussion about 7 times. My dad enjoyed it each time we discussed it. I made my mental to-do list while we talked. I think it bothered me at first when I kept feeling if he would just try harder he could remember but now that we are way past that stage I just roll with it.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

I have the same thing with my mom. I know she always mentions that why she can't think straight and how horrible feeling it is. She just wants to b put out of her misery and b with dad again in heaven. So I try to remember all the crap and repeating things when we were kids, vacations, road trips, grandma's house, etc. and all the times we were just a pain in the "ass" and that helps me through the tough times when she struggles to communicate
I think it helps alot to take 10 sec and realize that they didn't get to fill out an application to have this horrible disease. I will not let my mom down, even when it gets hard, because she was always there for us. Good luck to you

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

Having been a teacher years ago and college instructor of the same classes, I just answer the questions as though it were many different students asking the same questions about the course content over again. The hardest thing for me after many years, is listening to the same long rambling stories my MIL tells about her family. I must have heard some of these stories 100s of times and I just grunt in agreement or laugh.

Helpful Answer (9)

Report

Wonderful attitude! Thanks for your great perspective.

(4)

Report

At first the questions began to bother but then I realized that every time the questions were asked its the first time for her .I do not remind her she already asked it it makes her feel sad because she doesn’t remember. So just keep answering them ...I would not want someone getting frustrated with me if I asked a question for the first time.(even if it’s technically the millionth time)

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

Good tactic, though it's unclear whether some questions (or statements) really are "the first time" from their point of view. I've read that much of repeat-talking is about reassuring one's self that one's mind is still in order; a type of OCD. They can repeat things for fear of forgetting them altogether.

I wish there was a clear answer from people actually IN that state of mind. You're left trying to break through a fog that's always shifting.

(6)

Report

"Do I have a home", Do I have a house" as we sit in her house. That's the question I have answered 15,000 times over 7 years.
It's a fear of some sort that is stuck her brain, it doesn't bother me anymore, just a reflex answer "what is your address" which she is still able to recite about 65% of the time and when she can't, I start it out. Sometimes she picks it up and finishes, other times I finish the whole thing.
I try to put myself in her position, EVERY SINGLE DAY she wakes up and has NO idea who she is, where she is, who is lying next to her, (my father still alive). How must THAT feel, I can't imagine..... so if a question is one of the things I can do to ease one of her fears. How easy is that. It's not that I've become numb to it, just a reflex, like grabbing a glass that's about slip off the edge of table.
Breathe, when they are gone, we will miss that one question....
Good Luck!

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

"Do I have a home", Do I have a house" as we sit in her house. That's the question I have answered 15,000 times over 7 years.
It's a fear of some sort that is stuck her brain, it doesn't bother me anymore, just a reflex answer "what is your address" which she is still able to recite about 65% of the time and when she can't, I start it out. Sometimes she picks it up and finishes, other times I finish the whole thing.
I try to put myself in her position, EVERY SINGLE DAY she wakes up and has NO idea who she is, where she is, who is lying next to her, (my father still alive). How must THAT feel, I can't imagine..... so if a question is one of the things I can do to ease one of her fears. How easy is that. It's not that I've become numb to it, just a reflex, like grabbing a glass that's about slip off the edge of table.
Breathe, when they are gone, we will miss that one question....
Good Luck!

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

When I was caregiver for my Mom I knew I would have to do something quickly to keep my sanity with all the repeated questions, because I knew she could not change. Oh my, what was it I was going to do? I thought....if 10 people each came into a room separately and each one asked the same question, I would think nothing of answering each person's question. So began the answering her questions with me staying calm and many times a smile on my face as I thought....ok that was the 5th person entering the room. Now I am using that same thought as my husband is doing the same. Stay calm and look for reasons to smile.

Helpful Answer (10)

Report

Yes, for me it can be as if my mom is the on time students and the late students who all need to get the assignment or be reminded of it over and over. You have a great way to look at it.

(0)

Report

My Gram had a circular thought pattern regarding her brother-in-law and her husband's business. Gramp had sold out his business interests to his business partner who was also his brother. I understand that there were some arguments about bringing some of the adult children into the business and that they couldn't agree on business practices. So Gramp sold his half, was paid handsomely, and retired. Seems Gram had been harboring resentment - for decades - about this. The first time she mentioned it, I worked with her to get to agreeing to forgive and to focus on the last time she saw her brother-in-law (a couple of years ago). Whenever she goes down this mental road, I remind her that she decided to forgive him and remind her of the more recent memory.

I think of it more as like a defective computer program in a do loop (spinning wheel that never ends). I can usually get it to stop by giving simple answer and changing the subject... any distraction helps.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

You take it for what it is; you can not let the disease take the best of you.
Of course, we too as human have breaking points - the whirlwind of emotions is part of it all. Sometimes it feels like the stages is neverending but like life you just have to take it and move on, stay strong and laught it all off and hope for more good days to come.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

When taking my mom for a ride in the country side over to the foothills, so she can look at the mountains: Mom: You are such a good driver. Me: Thank you, Mother. Mom: Who taught you to drive? Me: You did. You were the only one brave enough. Papa thought I was too spacey to learn. Mom: Well, I should pat myself on the back. Me: Oh look at the horses. They are so pretty. Mom: You are such a good driver. Me: Thank you, Mother. Mom: Who taught you to drive? .......... Repeated every time we go for a drive every few minutes. I decided that it's a poem we recite when we go for rides. I can get her off on another subject for a few minutes sometimes, but it always comes back to I'm such a good driver. I guess it's because I don't run into other cars, off the road, or run red lights???? Good luck to you to not get frustrated.

Helpful Answer (17)

Report

A poem you recite! Round and round. What a nice attitude.

(6)

Report

See 4 more replies

For my Mom, I have a notebook that I write down her questions and the answers in. Each day, the questions are different so a page or two a day is the norm. I'll answer it a few times then I will write the question and answer down in the notebook. I'll tell her to check the book if she has a question and if it's not in there to ask me. I've actually seen her start to ask, then look in the book, find the question and answer and be calmed by that.

It doesn't always help, but it's great on those days when I just can't hear the same question asked a million times. Some days are worse than others, so this does give us both some relief.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Be thankful that she can still, once in a while, remember to look in the book! It also gives you, even if brief, relief while she searches for the answer.

It is perplexing how they get stuck on something and can't remember or learn new things, in general, but once in a while something does click and stick! I got a Boogie Board (LCD screen to write on and erase) for mom, as her hearing is very bad and this is an easy way to write down questions and answers (no need to find paper and pencil, esp now that she's in MC as usually there is no paper around, and it does get wasteful!) Although some questions and/or statements are repetitive, sometimes new ones pop up that aren't covered in the FAQs!

The funny part is that she quickly learned how to clear the screen when she finished reading what was written!! Doesn't retain much of anything else, but that stuck with her!

(3)

Report

See 3 more replies

I agree with Grandma1954. And, it is hard to answer evenly after a few repeats. I get an A for 3 times in a row, a B for 4 and after that, I can tell myself I have an edge in my voice. My Mom is pretty chatty and while I am comfortable with silence she isn't. So, I do think some of it is her attempt to make conversation. Other times, it's expressing a worry. So, sometimes shifting the conversation based on the source helps. Notice things to be grateful for and speak them out loud. Acknowledge a concern or fear. "It sounds like you are worried about X. I know that doesn't feel good." At least it has a chance of a more interesting conversation.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Yep! My dad is beyond what I would call the 'moderate' stage now. The questions have slowed down now except one: "When am I moving home?" Every single week when I see him. He has been in assisted living since September. I finally quit arguing and just don't say anything anymore. I am his legal guardian and as long as I'm around, he's staying right where he is. I used to tell him to call his attorney (he is within his rights to do that) knowing that he never will.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Tomorrow, as it never comes?

Later, soon, any other non-committal time frame. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I had to learn that one when mom out of the blue asked if I could drop her off at her mother's on my way home! Quick thinking, I glanced at my watch and said not today, it's a little late in the day and not exactly on my way home, maybe tomorrow. She replied okay, and then asked if I had a key to her place in Concord, you know at XXX road - they sold that 25+ years ago, probably closer to 30 now. I looked at my keys, said not with me, I'll look when I go home. That was enough.

Harder is when she asks if we see her mother, where she is, what's she doing for the holidays, etc. More recently she asked about her younger sister. Everyone in her generation on both sides are gone, some even from the next generation (cousins of mine.) Mom's the last holdout! I knew right away she was wayyy back in the past, as she said "she's probably tied up with that baby." That "baby" was a cousin's child, born between my two, so she'd be about 40ish at this point (she and her brother have a form of MD, she having it the worst, so she is full-time care, incapable of doing much of anything.)

So, mom's living in about 1980 at the moment. The funniest encounter was asking her why she had some dum-dum lollipops. She said they were for her kids, if they ever show up! She still knows who I am and what the relationship is, so I guess I'm existing in two universes at the same time now! Hopefully it won't mean destruction of the universe!

(4)

Report

LOL, I only laugh because I'm fairly certain I asked this same question about 6 months ago. I never did find a way to deal with it. But, I can tell you, it gets better - meaning you either get used to it, or they start to focus on something else. My FIL has let up on the repetition...or I just don't notice it now. :) He does still ask, "what do I do now" after every single meal. We just give the same answer every single time..."whatever you want, pop".

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

OMG my Mother asks the same question every night, how are we gong to get out of here and go home. She’s talking about going home to her childhood home in the 1930’s. Because to her I am her sister not daughter. And if I go and try to keep her company in her room it just makes it worse all she wants to do is get out of here. Even though she has lived with me 30 years now. She says:
I hate it here, when are we going home to be with Ma?:
she gets nasty about it. So I simply leave the room. Then she will make noise, hit her chair or table, yell out non verbal sounds etc. I go back in the same question? If it keeps up I will put her in her wheelchair and bring her in the kitchen while I cook dinner. Give her the kitten it helps get her mind off it. I am so tired of it!
My husband and daughter think it’s funny, but they aren’t here all day with her they go off to work and have normal conversations with people. I have to deal with it!

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

I get the same questions over and over too! My mother is at her home and I tell her so. She also wants to know where her children are, she thinks they are still little. I tell her that they are at my sisters house and that satisfies her. Then she will ask where her mother is over and over and I tell her she is at her house, she passed away 20 yrs ago. I have learned the art of little white lies thru an article that was on Dailycaring.com I also found out thru trial and error that the medication Ranitidine was causing it. After the medication was recalled I had to give her something else for indigestion that her sundowners questions have been minimal and both of us are a lot less aggravated.

(1)

Report

See 1 more reply

Thank you! That was a very helpful answer for me too.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I wish I knew myself. It is very hard not to show the frustration I feel. I feel your pain.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

My 86yo mother is also this way -- long term memory in-check, but short term, not so good. Nothing normal anymore. I live 75 miles away, so it helps that I only see her weekends -- you could cut back on the time you see her (?). My mother has gone from nasty and accusatory, to low-key and quiet. I am grateful for this change. But she does recycle questions continually, can't recall what we just talked about, and gets something in her mind and won't let it go. It's the way it is, and will be. I'd say find the humor in it, write about it, and engage her as much as possible -- for your own sake.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

"It's the way it is, and will be. I'd say find the humor in it..." I often say this, but certainly not laughing at her/in her presence. Although it is common, sometimes we can "push" a little to change the focus, but might get stuck on some other "topic." Takes time, patience and a little finesse!

(2)

Report

It’s very frustrating. I used to say my mom was short circuiting, going round and around. She’s become nearly non verbal now. I miss her little British lady accent 😩

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Liken it to a record with a scratch! Sometimes a little nudge moves it on, until the next scratch is encountered!

Accent is something I won't miss. If she had a nicer one, maybe, but mom has a strong Boston accent. PAHK the CAH!! (watch the ad for the SMAHT PAHK CAH to get an idea of this accent if you don't know it!)

I'm between accents, as we spent the early years in upstate NY, but I refused to pick up the MA/Boston accent when we moved back here and I also refused to let my kids pick that up!

(3)

Report

1 2

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

The same questions asked over & over...how do you cope with it?

33 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions