I feel numb, and panic will follow. I knew I shouldn’t do this. Two years ago I had to sell most of my apt. Furnishings because mom didn’t want to pay for storage when she asked me to come care for her. I truly thought it was my duty. I felt I could do this for her. Except, I didn’t want to. But, duty took precedence. I owed her some money, so I said I would work off the debt. I did. Finally I asked her for some payment for my future and she was not happy about that. She said sh’d pay $500/mo. I almost said, don’t bother. Then I cashed the checks. I don’t have anyone who’ I’ll take care of me when I get I’ll, and I will get ill. I see nothing in my future. Not only will I lose mom, I will lose hope, because I don’t have a life. I’m in a new state where I don’t want to be, and don’t want to stay. I now don’t know “how much is enough”—with mom when I move out? If i’m Outa here, then I want to move 50 miles back to the state I love. Or should I stay in town? The SIL is nearby, but he can’t shoulder the whole responsibility. my sister is a doctor, 5 hrs. away, very busy, just returned from 2wks in France(!), and her daughter was diagnosed with cancer. Brother is in Colorado and doesn’t call much, visits twice per yr. and that’s it. My dilemma is, how to figur out how much is enough? You can tell that I have given a lot to my mom in my life, more than is healthy. Even tho mom just kicked me out, I feel great relief. Is that bad? Maybe I can find a life. I’m so tired of feeling I never meet her standards, and the resentment that she doesn’t care about my future. I’m so tired that everything is about her. I thought she loved me, but she seems to be using me. This idea has always been boiling under the surface. My heart feels broken. I feel so done, and I know I need to move on now. Your replies have helped me to accept that. It’s just not how I thought it would be. And i’m worried about what siblings will think. And her friends. I can see her playing the martyr—that doesn’t feel right, that my take on things will not be aired. She “knows” she is “right”. I am listening to those of you, too, who have written, “don’t let her eat you alive”. The danger signs are here. I have new health concerns she doesn’t even know about. I’m so tired of feeling like I don’t matter. But how do I let go of guilt after 60-some years of it?
i’m going on too much, and I see I am rambling. Sorry.
I really need your help with how to think of this. I want to take care of mom, get her set up with caregivers, then go. I want her to have resources and options.
then I can go. Thanks.
If you don't stand up for yourself right now, she is going to traumatize you further.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. You asked for reasonable compensation for the services that you have and were going to render to her. She said no and kicked you out. This is where you stand up and say that is unfortunate but I will honor your request. If you don't I am afraid that you or she will find some way to keep the status quo, which is fine, but you need to be good with it. She will only become more difficult because she now will think that no matter what you aren't going anywhere.
Guilt should only be felt when we have done something wrong, she has trained you that you are guilty, just because you breathe, please try to find away to disown her evil bs opinion and training that has you so twisted in knots with yourself. Narsisistic people do that to their victims, it is part of their control.
You have much to offer in a caregiver situation, please find your path and let her live with the consequences of her choices. Not easy but very doable.
I will I’ll not vacate the premises until I can. I need to find somewhere to go and must be frugal with the little money I have. This has happened so fast, and i’m not so good with fast. I need to think critically and well.
mom had 4 kids in 5 years. The 1950’s. I was a sensitive, bright, loving and kind child, loving nature and critters,too. In her busy motherhood, the only way I could get attention was to please her and make her life easier. I seldom asked for anything. Dad was physically and emotionally abusive, and I never heard her try to save us from the whippings. Mostly my brother and me. Dad divorced mom after 24 yrs., and we felt sorry for mom. We kids were all gone then. 3 of us were in college. Mom married Carl 10 yrs. later. He was well off and provided mom with a lavish life. Anything she wanted, she got. I had prayed for that for her. But it spoiled her very much. Carl also had four kids who were grown. One lives here and is devoted to her. The others are living away. They are all millionaires except the one in town. Both of my siblings are, too. So is mom, now. So what happened to me? That’s another story, but I was interested in providing service to those in need, I was foolish in my romantic ideas. I regret many things. Of course there is more to the story.
I just had a brief conversation with mom. I told her I wasn’t ready to talk yet. She wouldn’t accept that, and as usual, she pressed me. So in the heat of the moment, I told her what she wanted to know. As usual, she only heard what she was interested in. She summarized, saying “so this is all about money” and, I said, “mom, you never once mentioned my future”. She said, well I pay you $500/mo. I said,”mom, do you know what this job is worth? 500/ mo. doesn’t even pay for making your lunch”. She said, well, keep making your plans. I said “I will help you set up care”. She said, no, i’ll do that. She said other things that caused me to leave the room. I hate how she always gets me to do what she wants. I told her I wasn’t ready to talk because I don’t like to speak in anger. And i’m angry. And, I don’t like myself. It’s such a hard road when you have little self-worth and lots of shame and guilt. You try to find your way out of one pothole of guilt or shame, only to find yourself in another. I was
starting to build myself up with your help. Then she spoke. Then I doubt myself and wonder if i’m Being too selfish. Maybe so. Others may see it that way.
Perhaps the door may have been opened to help her see how unfair she has been. But i won’t count on it.
My next steps: I need to decide,first, if I would stay if she offered a fair wage (that’s the only way I’d stay, as I think she has been wrong). I am definitely compromised here, financially.
I think She would be better off if I stayed, but emotionally/mentally, I would not be, unless she made some changes, which is unlikely.
i am thinking of having her read all of these posts. I will never convince her of anything. She clearly doesn’t (ouch) respect me because i’m Not a millionaire like everyone else, and/or because I act like a doormat for her. I thought I was being kind and loving and indulging her whims throughout this life.
love? What is it maybe, except a dependency? I see, despite all the searching my entire life, my silly devotion to resolving issues that weren’t Mine to resolve, blind hope and faith that the universe will balance—that I have been so foolish, so wrong.
As to your sibs - have you honestly talked to them? Can you? You might find them more sympathetic than you think. As for mother and her friends - probably you will just have to ignore them. They have self-serving ideas of kids' obligations but that doesn't make them valid. Take care of yourself - your mom will do just fine.
Since you you were so helped, do you know if he could accept an email from me or consult that way? Or, could you suggest any literature that addresses these issues succinctly? I had a book bigger than an old family bible that was hard to wade through. I found your note to be so helpful.
Also, your point about reaching out to two (remaining)
siblings. You caused me to review how i’ve been thinking of that. Formerly, thinking well, they don’t really care, as long as they know I’m here. I did contact sister, (doctor)who apologized that she couldn’t get involved right now due to her daughter’s recent cancer diagnosis. We don’t even know what’s happening with that, yet. Brother? Don’t know if he can help much as he needs more help than I do. More than that, I know in my heart, they don’t want to deal with any of this.
So, not to go on too much, I wanted to say how I appreciated your response. I take notes and if I don’t hear from you, I may contact a local priest. But your reply was outstanding and astute. Thanks so much.
You need to focus on setting yourself up.
She has kicked you out? Or she has asked you to leave? Or you gave her an ultimatum, she has rejected it, and because she's rejected it you are determined to leave?
I don't think you should live with your mother as her full-time caregiver out of a sense of duty, let alone under a sense of obligation; and I am sure that you are right to believe you would both do better if her support were structured in a different way in future.
But please, stop panicking about what the world will say, and stop trying to solve your and her entire future in one go, and let's look at what is happening and figure out what order it would be best to do things in.
Pack your stuff and head back to where you want to be.
Who gives 2 ticks what anyone thinks of you. You have been on the front lines while they have lived their busy lives, ignoring their narsisistic mom and their sister.
I am freaking out that you have guilt, no need to feel guilty and for 60 odd years? Oh my, she worked her narsisistic evil on you. Kids should never be made to feel guilty, that is the 1st indication that she is a full blown, top 10 of her class narcissist. You did nothing wrong, you know that you can never be good enough or just enough in her eyes, that's how she gets you to dance to her tune. Well fine, never enough is outta here!!!
Seriously, the sooner you pack your car and hit the road the better. Call your siblings and tell them you are leaving and either one of them shows up or you will be calling APS to report a senior living alone that should be checked. Then they can all deal with that.
You feel relieved because this is right, you should have never been her caregiver, but your entire family taught you that their lives are so much more important than yours, NOT!
Go, go today and find the life that you never believed you deserved because of your narsisistic mother and siblings. They don't have you under their control anymore. It's scary, I know, but well worth it to finally be able to accept that you matter and you are deserving of love and care, not use and abuse.
Great big hugs, you got this lady.
Where can you stay? Is there a womans shelter in the town you'd like to live in? I think you need to start from the ground up and rebuild your life, one step at a time.
Place to live. Job. Food. Friends. Counseling to figure out why you think so little of yourself, and to help you grow from strength to strength.
Let the rest of family care for mom. Or let mom pay for her own care. That's what her savings is for, yes?