I feel numb, and panic will follow. I knew I shouldn’t do this. Two years ago I had to sell most of my apt. Furnishings because mom didn’t want to pay for storage when she asked me to come care for her. I truly thought it was my duty. I felt I could do this for her. Except, I didn’t want to. But, duty took precedence. I owed her some money, so I said I would work off the debt. I did. Finally I asked her for some payment for my future and she was not happy about that. She said sh’d pay $500/mo. I almost said, don’t bother. Then I cashed the checks. I don’t have anyone who’ I’ll take care of me when I get I’ll, and I will get ill. I see nothing in my future. Not only will I lose mom, I will lose hope, because I don’t have a life. I’m in a new state where I don’t want to be, and don’t want to stay. I now don’t know “how much is enough”—with mom when I move out? If i’m Outa here, then I want to move 50 miles back to the state I love. Or should I stay in town? The SIL is nearby, but he can’t shoulder the whole responsibility. my sister is a doctor, 5 hrs. away, very busy, just returned from 2wks in France(!), and her daughter was diagnosed with cancer. Brother is in Colorado and doesn’t call much, visits twice per yr. and that’s it. My dilemma is, how to figur out how much is enough? You can tell that I have given a lot to my mom in my life, more than is healthy. Even tho mom just kicked me out, I feel great relief. Is that bad? Maybe I can find a life. I’m so tired of feeling I never meet her standards, and the resentment that she doesn’t care about my future. I’m so tired that everything is about her. I thought she loved me, but she seems to be using me. This idea has always been boiling under the surface. My heart feels broken. I feel so done, and I know I need to move on now. Your replies have helped me to accept that. It’s just not how I thought it would be. And i’m worried about what siblings will think. And her friends. I can see her playing the martyr—that doesn’t feel right, that my take on things will not be aired. She “knows” she is “right”. I am listening to those of you, too, who have written, “don’t let her eat you alive”. The danger signs are here. I have new health concerns she doesn’t even know about. I’m so tired of feeling like I don’t matter. But how do I let go of guilt after 60-some years of it?
i’m going on too much, and I see I am rambling. Sorry.
I really need your help with how to think of this. I want to take care of mom, get her set up with caregivers, then go. I want her to have resources and options.
then I can go. Thanks.
Slartabart. Another good question is, why didn't you?
Have you had any thoughts about where to look for somewhere to live, and for paid employment? You need both of those, first, before you can make progress on the wider and deeper issues.
You left your apartment, selling your furniture. At that time you owed your mother money. Your mother suggested, or you did, or anyway you both arrived at an idea that you could "repay" this debt by moving in with your mother and "working it off." That went ahead. Meanwhile, you have become entitled to over-65s benefits, which I'm sure don't go very far; and you are living in your mother's home, and she has suggested paying you $500 a month.
$500 a month for 24/7 care for a person who needs care is, we are all agreed, wholly inadequate. But your idea seems to be that your mother should support you, and her idea is that you should move out and support yourself, and she has demonstrated that she is willing to arrange services for herself, and there is at least a sign - not to put it more strongly - that she doesn't think it is good for YOU that you should continue to live in her house and be her full-time, salaried caregiver.
I think the real issue here is that you are afraid to move out, and I think the roots of that must go back to before she invited you to come and live with her. What happened?
Prior to moving here, I already had SS in place and a plan for my future I did not wish to abandon, but I did, because she said she couldn’t live alone any longer. She was too “with it” to go into AL. These are simply hard choices.
No, there is no need, presently, to look for a place to live or for alternative work. I have not decided if I will stay or not. Mom said she wants me to stay. Whether I do or not depends on how this process goes. If she and I can finally establish better communications, I will stay, no timeframe promised, paid or unpaid, until we agree that i should go, or that she should accept placement in AL.
I received a lot of good info and support in the past week, which helped me to see some very important things I missed, particularly how I needed to set limits.
Please see my replies to JennaRose and Cmagnum this a.m.
You have some facts wrong, therefore, some of your “logical” conclusions are illogical—in error.
An online website is a great place to get other’s opinions regarding similar experiences. Ultimately it’s important for the receiver to sift through that info and to apply it appropriately to one’s own circumstances. An online site is not a good place to seek or get psychoanalytical advice, and I didn’t ask for any.
That’s why I will return to therapy, I need some.
I recognize that in this past week, the “dam” broke, as I say, and all of this pent-up grief came flowing out of me. This is not the place for that, so, I will stop it. I KNOW that if not for the help of you and many kind and good people, this dam would not have broken either this soon, or maybe not ever, don’t know. You all helped me to move forward. May I add that people don’t often move forward unless/until the’re ready and able to hear new info. I was ready, you were here.
As I said, I am new to this site. I read posts and replies for a month before finding the courage to reach out.
Not all advice fits. Anyway, I believe that “advice” to others isn’t the best route, rather, questions, sharing experiences, information, resources, and suggestions is best, enabling another to fit the info into their own life.
I noticed you have an investigative mind, don’t you?
I felt you were very hasty to make assumptions and to draw conclusions about my life after a few brief notes.
Be careful about that, because others with less acuity will jump on your bandwagon, not necessarily because you said something wise, but perhaps only because it resonated with something within themselves that they want to connect with or be a part of. You have a responsibility if you’re a regular contributor here to be careful about assuming to much, diagnosing, and judging others.
I am very grateful for the parts of your help that I can use to help my mom and me. Best wishes.
Narcissists don't for people to stand up for themselves. My MIL sure didn't. They are cunning like a snake. They will appear to work with you, but then once your guard is down, they strike and you are back to where you were. Ask for the going rate regardless of your fears for you need to see where she really stands and where you really stand.
Your comments on how to handle a “narcissist” have helped me to put my guard up. Others have said similar things, so I am doing so. It never occurred to me before, and I was a sitting duck. I don’t know whether she IS a narcissist or not, but she has enough of the features of that disorder that my eyes have opened in a different way than ever before and it has been helpful and productive. I would not have gotten to this place of you many good helpers out there.
As I wrote to JennaRose, I will fit what I need to into our lives, and proceed from there. Thanks again
From childhood into my young adult years my Mom was very critical of me so I avoided her but deep down I still wanted her love. Later on in life I learned to "accept" my Mom for what she was and even was able to forgive her (yes, I was in therapy).
It may take therapy for you to understand this and accept that you will never get what you want from your Mom no matter how hard you try.
You do have the skills to work for someone else and get paid good money. Use those skills! Walk out the door and leave. It may feel scary at first but after a while you will feel so proud of yourself.
Best to you,
Jenna
Yes, I have decided to return to therapy. I haven’t found much success in therapy throughout my life. But, you don’t “fit” with every therapist, so I’ll try again.
‘The real reason I won’t leave?’ I haven’t decided yet what I will do, stay or go. I need to slow the pace.
I know that decision must be decided rationally, not in anger, and not without a lot of searching for the best alternatives. Many of you have provided valued ideas and support. Now I must fit the information into our lives as well as I can. Some of the advice given to me will not work in our situation and I will not simply abandon my mother without appropriate help and solutions in place. We can agree to disagree, but we must proceed with a good plan.
That may take some time, which both of us need.
That is why I don’t just leave. Paid or unpaid. I’ll repeat: I love my mother very much. We have just had a long-overdue blowout. It had to come to this because she can’t listen to reason or believe she is/was wrong in any way. She wants what she wants when she wants it! She’s 87. Still sharp, but not able to manage her own life as she once did, and that loss of control, for a control-freak must be awful.
The support of all of you good people, has helped me tremendously to sort the issues and to finally stand up for myself, and it has made a world of difference. I was ready to hear, so I am on my way, but it’s not simply a quick decision to make. It’s a process, over as much time as it will take to do the right thing.
thanks again.
--whatever you choose, you can and should unchoose if it doesn't work out.
--In your circumstances, you absolutely must put yourself first, or else you will be eaten alive again, as in used up and tossed out when done.
--don't let anyone bully or pressure you.
--you are NOT selfish. Anyone who asks you to put their needs before yours is the selfish one.
So glad to hear you're going back to therapy. It should be helpful once you find the right therapist.
Take care and do let us know how you're doing, good or bad.
I am feeling that she told me she needed me WAY before she truly did. She could have functioned here, but perhaps she wanted to be waited on and have that security. Also, she wanted me to escort her to her Arizona home for 2 yrs., I guess. I have spent 2 yrs. preparing that home for sale. We did sell it this March, but if I had left the decision to her, it would have sold for $40-50K less. She was lucky to have me there.
i feel used.
Now that people have helped me see, not sure I can stay here. Unless we resolve this, i’d rather be alone in a novel, I think, with peace.
You obviously have a good head on your shoulders and venting in a safe place and having the air clearing blowout with mom has been beneficial.
You keep standing up for yourself and following your heart, it will be okay!
Good Luck and return to tell us how things are going.
I think the question I would (very calmly) ask is whether she would work 16 hours a day(or however many you work there?) for $500 a month? And take it a step farther.... Would any of her other children work for 16 hours a day for $500??? I would do the math and calculate what you are actually making an hour. And be kind and not figure time and a half or double time or even triple time! Lol. You can also arm yourself with the going rate for your area for renting a room. And, I would say... I need this much(whatever you think) to survive and if you can't pay me that much than I will have no choice to go get a job and take care of myself. It isn't what I want to do, but it is what I need to do.
I hope this helps. I know you care for your mom, and I hope she will meet you halfway on this.
Sparkles
my first thing is, I must decide if I can even stay. If so, your input will help me to figure a rate. If not, your info helps me to know my services are valuable. Thanks so much for your comments and help.