I feel numb, and panic will follow. I knew I shouldn’t do this. Two years ago I had to sell most of my apt. Furnishings because mom didn’t want to pay for storage when she asked me to come care for her. I truly thought it was my duty. I felt I could do this for her. Except, I didn’t want to. But, duty took precedence. I owed her some money, so I said I would work off the debt. I did. Finally I asked her for some payment for my future and she was not happy about that. She said sh’d pay $500/mo. I almost said, don’t bother. Then I cashed the checks. I don’t have anyone who’ I’ll take care of me when I get I’ll, and I will get ill. I see nothing in my future. Not only will I lose mom, I will lose hope, because I don’t have a life. I’m in a new state where I don’t want to be, and don’t want to stay. I now don’t know “how much is enough”—with mom when I move out? If i’m Outa here, then I want to move 50 miles back to the state I love. Or should I stay in town? The SIL is nearby, but he can’t shoulder the whole responsibility. my sister is a doctor, 5 hrs. away, very busy, just returned from 2wks in France(!), and her daughter was diagnosed with cancer. Brother is in Colorado and doesn’t call much, visits twice per yr. and that’s it. My dilemma is, how to figur out how much is enough? You can tell that I have given a lot to my mom in my life, more than is healthy. Even tho mom just kicked me out, I feel great relief. Is that bad? Maybe I can find a life. I’m so tired of feeling I never meet her standards, and the resentment that she doesn’t care about my future. I’m so tired that everything is about her. I thought she loved me, but she seems to be using me. This idea has always been boiling under the surface. My heart feels broken. I feel so done, and I know I need to move on now. Your replies have helped me to accept that. It’s just not how I thought it would be. And i’m worried about what siblings will think. And her friends. I can see her playing the martyr—that doesn’t feel right, that my take on things will not be aired. She “knows” she is “right”. I am listening to those of you, too, who have written, “don’t let her eat you alive”. The danger signs are here. I have new health concerns she doesn’t even know about. I’m so tired of feeling like I don’t matter. But how do I let go of guilt after 60-some years of it?
i’m going on too much, and I see I am rambling. Sorry.
I really need your help with how to think of this. I want to take care of mom, get her set up with caregivers, then go. I want her to have resources and options.
then I can go. Thanks.
Pack your stuff and head back to where you want to be.
Who gives 2 ticks what anyone thinks of you. You have been on the front lines while they have lived their busy lives, ignoring their narsisistic mom and their sister.
I am freaking out that you have guilt, no need to feel guilty and for 60 odd years? Oh my, she worked her narsisistic evil on you. Kids should never be made to feel guilty, that is the 1st indication that she is a full blown, top 10 of her class narcissist. You did nothing wrong, you know that you can never be good enough or just enough in her eyes, that's how she gets you to dance to her tune. Well fine, never enough is outta here!!!
Seriously, the sooner you pack your car and hit the road the better. Call your siblings and tell them you are leaving and either one of them shows up or you will be calling APS to report a senior living alone that should be checked. Then they can all deal with that.
You feel relieved because this is right, you should have never been her caregiver, but your entire family taught you that their lives are so much more important than yours, NOT!
Go, go today and find the life that you never believed you deserved because of your narsisistic mother and siblings. They don't have you under their control anymore. It's scary, I know, but well worth it to finally be able to accept that you matter and you are deserving of love and care, not use and abuse.
Great big hugs, you got this lady.
Where can you stay? Is there a womans shelter in the town you'd like to live in? I think you need to start from the ground up and rebuild your life, one step at a time.
Place to live. Job. Food. Friends. Counseling to figure out why you think so little of yourself, and to help you grow from strength to strength.
Let the rest of family care for mom. Or let mom pay for her own care. That's what her savings is for, yes?
She has kicked you out? Or she has asked you to leave? Or you gave her an ultimatum, she has rejected it, and because she's rejected it you are determined to leave?
I don't think you should live with your mother as her full-time caregiver out of a sense of duty, let alone under a sense of obligation; and I am sure that you are right to believe you would both do better if her support were structured in a different way in future.
But please, stop panicking about what the world will say, and stop trying to solve your and her entire future in one go, and let's look at what is happening and figure out what order it would be best to do things in.
Consider writing a brief note saying that you have had to leave your mother because caring for her with little or no recompense has reduced you to poverty. You are concerned for your own future, and your mother does not understand your difficulties. Give the note to the biggest mouths in the group of relations and mother’s friends, and leave them to spread it around. You shouldn’t be feeling guilty yourself, and you shouldn’t have other people thinking that you are guilty either.
It will be hard to set up a new life on your own, but have courage. Remember that once you have new things in your life, thinking about them will drop down the importance of your mother’s behaviour in your heart.
maybe you could view my response to isthisreallyreal, above. Since then, I heard mom on the phone with care providers. I do think she needs help setting that up, but if she doesn’t want that help, should I let her do it? I just want her to have the best care, and i’ve heard that’s hard to find. I want her to feel ok after the loss of me, and she will regret it. She doesn’t seem to see her selfishness and miserly ways as a problem. Not to her, anyway. This is so upsetting, but I need to move on.
Thanks for your comments. I appreciate your help.
Are you still at your mom's place? If yes, are you under a time limit to move out?
Are you somewhere else? If yes, where?
Do you have a car?
Do you have money for food and immediate shelter?
If you're at mom's place, DO NOT move out until you find a job and a place to move to. Because you have lived and established your residency there, you have LEGAL rights to stay for a while. Mom can not just kick you out on the street even if you stop helping her and pay no rent. Contact LegalAid for help with your housing situation.
Take a deep breathe. behind this awful situation is the silver lining, the change you need to make.
Tomorrow morning, go out and start looking for a job immediately. You need to have income right away to get back on your feet. Take any job available now. Later, when you have breathing room, you can be more selective.
Stay strong. We're with you.
P.S. You are NOT selfish, just the opposite. Your mom, on the other hand, is a very selfish narcissist, but that's redundant.
Yes, I have a car. I do have some money for shelter, food for maybe a year, if i’m Careful. I don’t know if i’ll Stay in this state or move where i’d Rather live. Mom won’t insist I leave. I will get things in order. She owes me that and knows it. I think she might be regretting her rash statement for me to leave. Even so, I do;’t want to be here. Thanks for your thoughts.
As to your sibs - have you honestly talked to them? Can you? You might find them more sympathetic than you think. As for mother and her friends - probably you will just have to ignore them. They have self-serving ideas of kids' obligations but that doesn't make them valid. Take care of yourself - your mom will do just fine.
Since you you were so helped, do you know if he could accept an email from me or consult that way? Or, could you suggest any literature that addresses these issues succinctly? I had a book bigger than an old family bible that was hard to wade through. I found your note to be so helpful.
Also, your point about reaching out to two (remaining)
siblings. You caused me to review how i’ve been thinking of that. Formerly, thinking well, they don’t really care, as long as they know I’m here. I did contact sister, (doctor)who apologized that she couldn’t get involved right now due to her daughter’s recent cancer diagnosis. We don’t even know what’s happening with that, yet. Brother? Don’t know if he can help much as he needs more help than I do. More than that, I know in my heart, they don’t want to deal with any of this.
So, not to go on too much, I wanted to say how I appreciated your response. I take notes and if I don’t hear from you, I may contact a local priest. But your reply was outstanding and astute. Thanks so much.
Frankly, she did you a favour by kicking you out.
It is okay if you want to break it up into things she literally cannot do for herself and things she probably could do but due to "spoiling" prefers to have others do. Also comment on this list what if any support you are providing at night and how often she gets up at night. Do your best to take all the emotion out of the list and just stick to the facts. This is a great starting point for sharing with your siblings the reality of the current situation and to share with care providers when setting up care. How is your mom's cognition and insight to her declines? This is also important to document.
Think of your mom's long-term-care insurance policy as potentially hundreds of thousands of dollars that are in an account that disappears when your mom dies. It is use it or lose it money. Use it all up first before touching money in her estate. There is potential for you to someday inherit from her estate, you will not inherit what is left on a long-term-care policy. Even if she needs to tap into her savings to cover what is not provided by the LTC policy financially she will still be much better off.
She didn't just accidentally purchase this policy that had restrictions on paying family. At some point that was a decision she made to prefer paying for outside care so it is in keeping with her previously expressed wishes for you to set this up for her. You can do this without any guilt and get yourself into a healthy productive place. She may complain that the aides are not doing things in the perfect way she prefers but as long as she is safe and clean and having her health monitored you don't need to swoop in to save her from her decisions.