My sister has Durable POA, Medical POA (I'm second). Per her request and recommendation of her doctor, Mom was moved to AL about 30 days ago. Did not want to live with any of her 7 children. She is not adjusting well, making an ungodly number of phone calls, wants to go home but she can't live by herself anymore. Tonight, one brother told her he would come and get her tomorrow and move her into his house. He and his wife both work, there will be no one there and the only thing that will change is her physical location, minus all that the AL facility is doing for her. Can he legally just do this?
Hopefully bro was just saying what mom wanted to hear. Pacifying her for the moment.
What does your sister the DPoA think about moving her? If she is authorizing it, then it stands. If I were in you shoes I'd make it clear that I'm not coming to help with Mom at all. Vote with your actions. They'll find out soon enough that it was a mistake.
I do agree with BarbBrooklyn who suggested that unless you hear this news directly from your sister or brother, it may be imagined by your mom, notes or no notes.
You think that AL was the right move, but trying to upset things now could create a lot of anger. As you don’t have POA, you are better off letting mother call the shots, at least for a while.
feel she needs a arbitrary amount of time to like it, she doesn’t have to like it or stay, she has free will to leave.
assisted livings promote this narrative of seniors require a certain amount of time to like it, yada yada. Of course they do- It isn’t that hard to figure out this is a direct monetary benefit to the al if they can sell people on the belief. I hope the mom tells the sister or the Al to live there if they like it so much!! Good for her for standing up for herself, it’s her life her body her choice
Has he ever cared for her over any length of time--and I don't mean during a family dinner? He's in for a rude shock and I bet his wife isn't any too thrilled.
I'd let this simmer and not bring it up. It will probably blow over, don't stir this pot.
30 days isn't long enough to be acclimated to a new surrounding. Maybe you sibs all need to meet and talk and be on the same page per mom's care. ONE 'wildcard' can wreck the whole plan. In our case, the 'wildcard' moved mom in with him and 23 years later greatly regrets it.
The agency owners hire women from their home towns in Poland, the Phillipines, do the paperwork for work Visas. The workers earn money to send home to their families. Three workers are assigned to cover week days and week-ends. They do round the clock shifts, for 2 or 3 days, living in, sleeping over, cooking meals, bathing, dressing; some do light cleaning on their own initiative. Agency covers liability insurance, hiring, call-offs et al. If only daytime care needed, worker puts mom to bed at 7pm. At 7am, new worker arrives to get patient out of bed, cook breakfast etc.
Standard U.S. Home Health Agencies are costly because of overhead, charge upwards of $26 an hour, worker gets $15 an hr. Often, workers are not dependable because of difficulties holding down any job.
when a parent moves there is always a 3-6 month adjustment period. My dad refused to leave his room for activities at first but finally adjusted and loved going to bingo. Many times to stop the whining, tears and fighting a sibling will just capitulate and think it’s the path of least resistance to move them out. They are thinking with the heart and not the head. Please don’t let him move her. Schedule the meeting route first.
People are using too many abbreviatons in their Q&A. Sometimes it takes me
5 minutes to understand what they mean. Not everyone of your readers is
familiar with this sort of texting.
Solution: Post some sort of chart at the beginningof each Q&A that explains what the most commonly used abbreviations mean.
I know how frustrating it is, I was a newcomer once here too. I now am on a another site and trying to figure out the terminology. It makes you think about leaving the site and not returning, doesn't it?
This is the link to that glossary: (as soon as I find it, I will edit this response)
Link to frequently used terms
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/common-caregiving-abbreviations-and-acronyms-435589.htm
There would be conservatorship if she was deemed incompetent. If the person with poa attempts to coerce or force her to stay there the sibling or the mom can call social services.
As already pointed out adjustment, for everyone, can certainly take more than 30 days. It does alarm me that your mother is now mistrusting you and your sister wether it be because your brother is actively trying to sway her or because she is talking to too many people who aren’t on the same page and coming out with what suits her for the moment. Ultimately she made the original decision that “she did not want to live with any of her 7 children” and elected to go to this AL, I have no doubt this was a process and she needs to be reminded that this was the option she chose for good reasons. The facts haven’t changed, she can’t live alone and she doesn’t want to live with any of you. She was part of crossing the place she is in and if she leaves she will loose it, she may or may not have the option to return to the same facility but not likely the same apartment/room. The cost of moving somewhere else and getting the help she needs needs to be considered as well by everyone.
Your brother may not participate, that’s his choice but maybe a meeting with all 7 siblings, difficult I know but it is the virtual meeting age, to discuss the facts and all of these issues. It should probably be led by your sister POA because she has been and will be the point person but you both need to be open to your siblings questions and views. The point being making sure everyone is on the same page and guiding your mom, giving her the right facts, in the right direction. This may be the only way to help her settle in or find out if it’s the wrong facility but even if one or two siblings aren’t on board with the rest understanding the facts it should be easier to keep her in the right place. She made the choices for her DPOA and back ups for a reason and I’m guessing that wasn’t a recent choice so deep down she trusts you and your sister. It can be hard for a mother to remind one child that she “chose” another so it may not be surprising that she sways depending on who she is talking to.
I can understand mom not wanting to be there as they are all understaffed and not a fun, warm loving place to be.
It sounds to me Ike mom has changed her mind about not wanting to live with any of her 7 children.
Im sure you would too if you've ever spent a night or two in a facility.
Your mom has tried it for a month already and deffiently not happy living there.
Seniors do so much better and are so much happier and live longer being able to stay in their own home or move in with a loved one.
If there are 7 children and one wants to let mom live with him abd she wants to, then I think it's awesome.
You might call a family meeting to discuss the move and what is needed to help your brother help your mom live the rest of her life as happy as she can.
if mom can't afford to hire Caregiver help then the other 6 children she each donate money to the cause.
If your Dad was in the Military. You could check on getting help for mom as they provide spouses up to 30 hrs a week care and a few other things.
I think it's commendable of your brother Andover the compassion he's showing for his mom that has nursed and taken care of 7 children and now it has come the time to reciprocate.
Prayers
Instead of fighting your brother, why don't you HELP them. He can get in home care for your mom when they are working. Check into IRIS which is a great program to help with financial issues if they need help there.
I regret EVER letting them put my sister into one of these places. The lack of care and abuse is off the charts! My sister died during the lock downs because of it.
My mother was NEVER Dxed by a doc and we NEVER went to court to have her deemed incompetent. However it was NOT NOT NOT NOT EVER safe to leave her to her own devices.
POA only has the ability to intervene if the grantor is declared incompetent. This could be by 2 doctors, stated in the POA or it would need to be through the courts. Taking away anyone's autonomy is serious business and you have to read the documents carefully to understand what authority really exists.
If she wants to go and they want to have her, help them insure her safety, maybe hiring companion sitters while they are at work, maybe getting a housekeeper or a in home chef to prepare meals.
There are ways to make this work if all parties, your mom, brother and his spouse in this case, are willing.
From my personal experience some doctors are way to quick to pull the facility trigger.
Sonce you are secondary POA, you are limited to the fact that you can only step in should the primary POA be unable or not wish to.
As far as your mom wanting to leave, this is something that is normal for many especially when we get older. While you mom wants to go home it may not be in her best interest, however, the doctor may or may not be able to have a say in where she should be AL or in a family home setting with 24/7 care such as with her children.
You could see if mom is competent but that would come at a cost financially, emotionally etc.
POA is supposed to act in the best interest of the one who they are caring for.
Eventually, it may come that she takes a horrible tumble and be severely injured or worse, where the doctors will decide what is best by declaring she is unable to care for herself, but honestly I don't think you have much say. :-( you could check with an elder attorney and if the doctor says she can't live alone, you may have small opening to have her stay in AL.
1 month of being in an AL facility isn't enough time to make new friends, become accustomed to their schedules and so on. The one thing is that if you take a person from a familiar setting and move them to something different they become confused and agitated.
I wish you all the best as it is going to be a rough ride.